I dont know what I am in.......

[ThatguyinNYC]

I dont know where to begin but my mind is everywhere right now and this might seem a bit long....

 

So I got involved with a co-worker and I figured whats the worst that can happen since I am on the field 98% of the time so if things went sour we would just go on about our day. First I ask her if she wanted to hang out since we had our little small talks in the office I figured it was worth a shot. She tells me she cant since shes moving to her new place and she has no time. Me being the nice guy I am I asked if she needed help and she accepted. I end up sleeping over that night since the area was kinda sketchy and it was late since I had to take a bus to go visit her.

 

We end kissing and cuddling all night. Now fast forward a couple days she tells me shes not looking for anything serious, she wants to keep on dating guys yadadadada and I said that's ok I don't mind (I am glad she told me this so at least I can prevent myself from getting attached). Next thing you know not to long after we starting hanging out a little more and eventually started to get physical.

 

By this time shes completely opening up telling me about her past relationships, how they went sour, how the guys she was dating made her realize how much I appreciate her and the attention shes giving me made it seemed like there was something real going on. She went as far as telling me about her family and her home town (Real personal stuff). When we spoke about having a title it freaked her out and I told her if something happens between us to let it be we don't have to put a title on it. This goes on for about 3 months.

 

I told myself this girl was a risk from the beginning but with the PDA's she showing, the affection, her going out her way to make me dinner quite a few times and telling me almost all of the situations shes in and how shes dealing with being homesick its like I was one of closest friends here. I felt like I was on top of the world with her and I am pretty sure she knew I was really happy with her so I decide I take her to my cousins wedding. Everything was going great she wasn't freaking out about my family which was quite a shocker and we was dancing and having so much until my cousin threw her bouquet. Once she threw it my date paced herself out the door in front of everyone meanwhile I am pace walking like nothing was wrong.

 

We get outside and shes freaking out saying how since she came to the wedding we are together and that everything is going to fast. Eventually she calms down but I am in massive shock. Not to long after I go to hang out at her place we do the deed and she tells me that this was just suppose to be a fling that's when I felt the world was crushed. She introduced me to her best friends as the guy shes dating that I seen multiple times, her mother back home knows about me I just don't get it.

 

I knew she was a red flag not long after we first started hanging out because shes talking about these guys that wanted her that she was talking too but after awhile she stops mentioning it a lot and a lot of her time was with me. I know I messed up by getting too attached but I called her drunk a week after that incident ( I haven't really spoken to her since for like a week) and ask her for closure since. She tells me how much she loves hanging out with me, how I was like a drug addiction because shes depressed and that she doesn't have her life together ( I knew a lot of these was going on but I didn't know it for a fact).

 

We stop talking for a few days and this complete stranger comes up to me in front of my job asking for this girl which I saw them kissing. I told him shes not here and he walks away. At this point I am beyond pissed but still get my composure and told her this guy was looking for you and behold a shocking look in her face. She says hes a crazy guy and tells me she hates me but still tries to be playful with me. I wasn't having it and I knew she was getting nervous because I caught her.

 

Now the best part she texts me out of nowhere saying she wants to bake something special but I would have to go with her to by the materials. Like a dumbass I agreed but I just don't get it I told her I want nothing to do with her and she is still trying to get my attention. I don't trust her anymore I am just looking to get some answers or closure without making it seem like I am desperate........

[Heart of the Desert]

How long had you been dating? a month, three? it makes a lot of difference. If you have been dating for three or four months it is reasonable for you to ask where you too stand. If you have been dating that long and she still wants to see other people, especialy if you tell her how you feel about her, then it is probably time to move on. Because who knows if she will ever change her mind about you. If this is the case just go NC.

 

It sounds like she has been honest with you from the get go about not looking for something serious, yet you allowed yourself to get attached regardless. You cannot blame her, she told you what was up.

 

Now, she may actualy very much enjoy your company that is why she is hanging out with you more than the other guys, and still contacting you to hang out. She has been opening up to you about her life and making you diner and talking about you with her friends and family. She went to meet your family, man! (granted she freaked out) but thats a good thing. These are all good things, yet you cite them as "Red flags". She is clearly not ready for a relationship, she has said this. But that doesn't mean she is not considering one. Maybe she is into you and she just felt like it was too fast like she said. She met your family and was in a "commitment environment" and it proabably spooked her off a bit. If you havn't been dating very long preasuring her, and acting upset when another guy is with her even though she told you she was seeing other guys, will scare her off. Yet she is still interested in hanging out and baking something together and you see this as a bad thing? Could it possibly be that she misses your company and wants to hang out? after all, you are the one who broke up with her, right? Or maybe she is just offering you the closure you have asked for, that is kind of her. You broke up with her? Why? You are acting like she has wronged you. Why don't you trust her? she has been honest with you.

 

You need to determain what you are looking for, and what you are comfortable with.

 

You could keep dating her while you BOTH date other people. Don't get too attached to her and go about your life. She might even take you more seriously when she senses a bit of competition. If you are less availiable she might realize how much she values her time with you. If you have the amazing connection you claim you have, then the two of you will continue to get to know one another. Then maybe one day you and one of the woman you are dating decide you would like to get more exclusive (could be her, could be someone else). Don't draw it out too long though, once you have dated her and other people for a few months, if you still have feelings for her it is reasonable to ask to get exclusive. If she still says no there is a good chance she will never change her mind and it might be time for you to move on. Don't go along with multiple dating just to get her, it has to be something you really feel like doing. Give the other people you see an honest effort. Don't get so fixed on her that you are not actualy exploring other options. These are people not just pawns in a game to capture the queen. And always be honest and upfront with all of the partners you have, letting know that you are not ready to settle just yet and you want to date multiple people (like she said to you). Also this option might be too late because you did break up with her (unless she is open to dating again)

 

You could not dat other people and keep dating her but don't expect much and be less availiable, focus on other aspects of your life. Let her come to you a bit more. Give it a little more time and if she still isn't ready, move on. This route could potential lead to you getting more invested and then let down, this is the risk. Also might be too late.

 

Or if you decide you are not into dating multiple people, that you want to date one person at a time. Just straight up tell her how you feel about her and ask her if she wants to be exclusive. If she says no, then the two of you are looking for something different in your lives right now and it is time to go seperate ways. Go NC and meet another woman who you are more on the same page with. There are many woman who are not indcisive and looking to date multiple people at once.

 

What ever you decide, I reccomend cooling those jets my man. Relax a bit. Don't force things, let them progress naturaly. Also stop blaming her for nothing, she has been totaly honest with you the whole time. Are you sure you are even actualy ready for a relationship yourself? Maybe you could work on your communication skills and your possessiveness before you jump into something with anyone.

Edited September 3, 2013 by Heart of the Desert

[BeholdtheMan]

I don't trust her anymore I am just looking to get some answers or closure without making it seem like I am desperate........

The fu**'s wrong with you...you see all these red flags and you still proceed. You dug your own grave.

 

Then you catch her playing you and she dangles some lameass carrot and you go for it like a desperate man with no options.

 

You know the right thing to do when a woman disrespects you like that. You cut off contact. She can then come crawling back to you and try to make it up to you, or she'll disappear and you move on.

 

Grow a pair and cut off contact. You've been played. Don't act desperate, you're better than that.

[Heart of the Desert]

The fu**'s wrong with you...you see all these red flags and you still proceed. You dug your own grave.

 

Then you catch her playing you and she dangles some lameass carrot and you go for it like a desperate man with no options.

 

You know the right thing to do when a woman disrespects you like that. You cut off contact. She can then come crawling back to you and try to make it up to you, or she'll disappear and you move on.

 

Grow a pair and cut off contact. You've been played. Don't act desperate, you're better than that.

 

Totally agree that there is no need to act desperate. I also agree that no contact is a good option. But I am not sure how much homie got played here. She told him she was seeing other people. She told him she was not looking for something serious. It sounds like they never had a conversation about making things exclusive. OP should have been dating other people as well. If someone tells me they are dating other people I either decline because I want to only see one person at a time; or I see other people myself. He became attached to some one who very honestly told him where she was at with seeing other people. He still put all of his attention into her. He assumed they were exclusive because things were going well and they were getting closer and spend a lot of time together. Yet they never actualy spoke about it so it was just his assumption. He played himself here, not her. He got mad, and broke up with her for seeing other people, even though she told him she was.

At least that's how it seems to me from what he wrote.

 

to OP: What are some time lines? How long before key events? Also, did you ever actualy have a conversation about being exclusive?

Edited September 4, 2013 by Heart of the Desert