John_1875 Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 Hi, I'm new here, stuck with a massive dilemma! Any help greatly appreciated! I've been with my now fiancé, over 2 years, things are great, we have our ups and downs, but all in all we're a pretty perfect couple! The fiance has to go overseas with work for 4 months, I'm ok with this, we talk on the phone, everything seems good! Now, we're 1 month in... She has met a new 'friend' out there, a guy. Originally, he is just a friend who she can hang out with, someone who has the same interests, which I'm ok with. After a few days, it comes out that she finds this guy attractive, and after some more chat, she eventually tells me she 'fancies' this guy, she likes this guy, and has been having sexual thoughts/fantasies about him, she also tells me that she has started to feel distant from me while she's been gone. Obviously I wasn't happy about this, so I subtly talk to her about it. Now she's replied that she is going to keep seeing this guy, because he's a nice guy, and she wants to stay good friends with him, even when they return back to this country, and when I ask, she tells me I have nothing to worry about. When I questioned her about it, she says she wish she hadn't told me, because now she feels bad about what she's doing, though she is continuing to see this guy! I don't want to be the guy who stops his girl having friends, but I feel like I should put a stop to this and/or end our relationship if she has been unfaithful! Am I over reacting here? It sounds a little fishy to me, what are people's thoughts? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 She may or may not be cheating (though I'd probably lean towards the "may" part), but a couple of things seem pretty clear: 1) She's not ready to get married. 2) She doesn't have alot of respect for you and your feelings. What you do with that information is up to you, but I'd be inclined to end the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AMusing Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 I'm sorry, but she's already feeling distant from you and having sexual thoughts about another guy, and she's only been away for a month?!? She may not be cheating yet, but it's certainly seems to be heading in that direction. If she values your relationship, she needs to terminate this new "friendship." She is seriously jeopardizing your relationship, even if she hasn't cheated yet. This is coming from a woman with male friends, by the way. Are you planning to visit her before she comes back? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) She has met a new 'friend' out there, a guy. Originally, he is just a friend who she can hang out with, someone who has the same interests, which I'm ok with. After a few days, it comes out that she finds this guy attractive, and after some more chat, she eventually tells me she 'fancies' this guy, she likes this guy, and has been having sexual thoughts/fantasies about him, she also tells me that she has started to feel distant from me while she's been gone. and when I ask, she tells me I have nothing to worry about. Yeah, that's a frickin oxymoron from hell. Dude, she's cheating on you. She's having an inappropriate relationship with someone that isn't her boyfriend. That's cheating. And she also stated that she is going to "remain friends" with this douche rocket regardless if you like it or not. So, that basically tells me that she values this "friendship" more than your feelings. If you went out there and paid her a surprise visit, most girlfriends would be over the moon. I can speculate that she would be VERY PISSED at you. Why? Because, you would be throwing a monkey wrench into her plans to further her relationship with this asshat. This dude is going to see you and now he can put a face to the person she's with. She would go BALLISTIC if you showed up. You need to tell her him or me. To be honest, she gonna chose him because he's there. Then, you go NC on her. Respond to nothing. Because, the thing is, she knows she's doing you wrong and you don't deserve this, she's going to reach out to you to make sure you don't hate her. IGNORE HER COMPLETELY!!! Edited August 27, 2013 by Chi townD 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 Hi, I'm new here, stuck with a massive dilemma! Any help greatly appreciated! I've been with my now fiancé, over 2 years, things are great, we have our ups and downs, but all in all we're a pretty perfect couple! The fiance has to go overseas with work for 4 months, I'm ok with this, we talk on the phone, everything seems good! Now, we're 1 month in... She has met a new 'friend' out there, a guy. Originally, he is just a friend who she can hang out with, someone who has the same interests, which I'm ok with. After a few days, it comes out that she finds this guy attractive, and after some more chat, she eventually tells me she 'fancies' this guy, she likes this guy, and has been having sexual thoughts/fantasies about him, she also tells me that she has started to feel distant from me while she's been gone. Obviously I wasn't happy about this, so I subtly talk to her about it. Now she's replied that she is going to keep seeing this guy, because he's a nice guy, and she wants to stay good friends with him, even when they return back to this country, and when I ask, she tells me I have nothing to worry about. When I questioned her about it, she says she wish she hadn't told me, because now she feels bad about what she's doing, though she is continuing to see this guy! I don't want to be the guy who stops his girl having friends, but I feel like I should put a stop to this and/or end our relationship if she has been unfaithful! Am I over reacting here? It sounds a little fishy to me, what are people's thoughts? Thanks No you are not over-reacting and yes she is cheating on you. That whole act she spewed is from the Cheaters Handbook, Chapter 4, section 12.....I think the Subheading is called "When to tell the person that you are cheating on that we are just friends and you have nothing to worry about". lol I think Stevie Wonder would be able to see she is cheating on you... The Curb...find the nearest one and kick her to it.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 You called her your fiancé, have you set a date? Telling you that she has a male friend that she is attracted to is like prepping you for the bad news she will tell you when she returns. She has only been gone a month, friend, something is very wrong. You need to be honest with her, tell her how you feel and if she can't make you feel safe than give her the choice, the job or you. She needs to give you the truth, no marriage until she comes clean on everything. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) I wonder how accepting she would be if the situation were reversed? If you went away for 4 months, and met a female friend with whom you shared a lot of interests and found attractive? If you told your GF that you were having sexual thoughts about this girl and were going to keep seeing her even after you return? If you then told your GF that you were feeling distant from her, and when she expressed concerns you said that you wish you'd hidden it from her....... Do you think she would be on this forum asking us whether you were cheating or not? No, she would dump you so hard you'd have concussion. It's amazing how much clarity it can bring, simply replacing "him" and "her" in a story. Edited August 28, 2013 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Oi, buddy she's prepping you for a break up. She's cheating, whether it's emotional or physical isn't relevant. It's as plain as it can be. She literally told you she "fancies" this guy. In three months expert her to tell you she's staying longer. Or she'll come back and tell you she's leaving you. Just be glad this happened before the wedding so she doesn't take half your sh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageCat Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Emotional cheating. Honestly I couldn't be with a person like this but it's up to you. And do NOT buy the "oh I just started fancying him out of the blue". People should be very conscious and aware of their feelings. Feelings don't "just appear". They come for a reason. She might have been just physically attracted to this guy at first, but she let that door open for him to become more then "just a random hot guy", and more of a "the hot guy I'm now close with". Also IMO a certain amount of possessiveness is needed in all relationships (if you want to be exclusive). What I would do at this point is just tell her you're OK with that. Completely distance from her and start opening up your options. There's plenty of fish in the sea and if she can have a hot guy friend..... well you bet it so can you. (ndr girl) Link to post Share on other sites
youngnlove89 Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 The thing you need to ask yourself is "are you going to tolerate this kind of behavior?!" Is this something you could do to her if roles were reversed? I hope not. This is not okay. Get out while you can. Love yourself and find someone who respects you. Link to post Share on other sites
ChristopherRobin Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 It's pretty clear that she is cheating. Long distance relationships are hard, and without work your bond can start to wane. Additionally, spending time with another man that she finds attractive while she is gone for 4 months is simply asking for trouble. Finally, the rest of your post is practically her giving you all of the pieces of the puzzle: "It's over. I am enjoying myself with someone else over here and am becoming romantically and/or sexually involved." Link to post Share on other sites
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