Getting back together after they have 'been' with others

[herbert]

I love my ex gf very much, and from what she has told me and how upset she was when she left (we spent her last 72 hours in the country together), she loves me just as much. She was crying her eyes out when she went.

 

She took a job on the other side of the world, after a long fruitless search where we live. We were together about a year in all, though there was a period of a few months where we were apart due to another job she had.

 

Anyway, she is convinced LDRs don't work, based on her own past experience. She doesnt know how long she will be away with this job (maybe a year), and the nature of it means contact would be limited to an email a week and a phone call a week. So we officially broke up when she left (her choice). She said she wouldnt have broken up if she wasnt leaving, ie no problems with 'us'.

 

Thing is, she wanted to stay in contact, said she wanted to get back together when she comes back, but doesnt know when that will be. I had a very hard time accepting the fact she could see other people while away, even though I could too, as she pointed out. I tried to explain to her that if she slept with anyone else while she was away, I didnt know if I could handle it or take her back. A gf's past is one thing, not a prblem for me,but I feel that once you have been together, the intimacy you share creates a bond between you. I feel that bond would be broken if either of us were intimate with someone else, even if it wasn't cheating because we were 'single'.

 

She doesnt get this at all,doesnt see the problem. She says we can't have an LDR becuase 1. if it went sour it would destroy us and any chance of a future together, and 2. what if we waited all that time, passed up opportunites and then when she came back it didnt work out for us anyway. She just doesnt seem to think it matters if she or I sleep with other people while we are on this 'break', she doesnt think that would harm our future possible relationship.

 

This has messed my head up to the extent that I told her we couldnt be in contact anymore. What's the point if when she comes back she has been with someone else in the meantime? Thinking about her with another guy's hands all over her makes me feel sick. I wouldn't be angry with her, it wouldn't be cheating, but I don't think I could even bear to look at her.

 

But telling her we can't be in contact any more seems to have broken her heart. She was crying all night about it when I told her, kept saying she didnt want to lose me.

 

I'm really confused. Does anyone understand my point of view? Do guys and girls differ on their take on this? Or does this show that she doesnt reallly love me, to 1. want to see other people while away and 2. not mind if i do? Am I just Mr Safety Net?

[bluechocolate]

Does anyone understand my point of view?

 

To be honest with you - no. I think your g/friend is being quite sensible actually. She's not saying that you should wait for each other, just that when she returns she would like to be able to see you again & possibly that will mean getting back together, but possibly not as well.

 

2. what if we waited all that time, passed up opportunites and then when she came back it didnt work out for us anyway.

 

The same holds true for you.

 

She's been honest with you. If you like each other why not keep in touch? You very well may not get back together but you could become good friends. I travelled widely for years with my job so I think I can relate to where she is coming from with this. If you think it will be too difficult for you to maintain contact & be single at the same time well then I guess you should cut her off entirely but personally I don't think you should close any doors.

[Layzie1207]

i have never been in a long distance relationship, and i know im young, but i do very much understand where your coming from. my ex and i are on no contact right now and if she messed around with anyone else i dont know if i could ever get back together with her even though i love her more than anything in the world. it would be very hard to live with that in the back of my head. sometimes i try to think about knowing how much it sucks to be the person in your situation, but definitely knowing that you have the freedom to do the same can sometimes make it easier on the mind. but i honestly dont know what to tell you, either way it seems like a lose lose situation but you may just have to suck it up and know that if you were to get with anyone else, they most likely would have already been with someone else.

[silenoz]

I completely understand everything you're saying Layzie. My ex-gf left me last May and since then has 'been' with 2 other guys. At the start of the break-up I told her that if she decided to sleep with someone else then it was over, we had no chance of getting back together. And yet she did (twice!) and lately has decided she wants me back. And I don't know if I can do it, I can't stop thinking about what she's done. I'm going to give the relationship another go but I'm not that optimistic about it. On top of everything she's in another country, so that's going to create more problems.

I haven't 'been' with anyone else, I don't think I could be for a long time, I'm still in love with my ex.

Why do people have to create so many problems, it's not that hard to think before you act!

 

Maybe there could be someway to rationalise things, to understand the situation better and as a result not have a problem with it. But I can't think of a resolution. If anyone can think of something then tell me!

[UnicornGirl]

If you really think about it, why are you all so hurt about the potential for there being other people?

 

It could be because it's a blow to your ego.

 

If someone really cares about you, interactions, attractions, etc. with others are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Often, being posessive about the potential for other people when you've broken up drives your love interest away, because you're not giving them freedom.

 

People who get into relationships soon after leaving one, unless they were developing a good relationship with the new person and decided to leave the original relationship for that one, are simply confused. Especially if they still love the ex which they almost always do.

 

People often leave a relationship because they feel it's hopeless to assume that their wonderful dream of finding true love could work out. You have to prove them wrong. It proves them RIGHT, actually, to freak out at the prospect of another person. Yes, it bruises the ego, yes, it makes you feel like sh**. But if you stay strong and don't take them back right away but also don't berate them for it, they'll feel much guiltier than they ever would if you had yelled at them or been posessive. I think you have to have that freedom that there could be someone else and if there is, you should be on your ex's side -- get them to open up to you about the new guy.

 

I'm just speaking from the experience of one of my close friends. She and her boyfriend broke up because she has to be in another country for the better part of four years. A few months in the ex called and told her he'd had a fling, and said, "I'm sorry ... I'm really sorry, you can hang up on me if you want. I feel really bad and I'm so sorry to hurt you. If you need to cry you can call me back later." Well, my uber-smart friend says, "Oh! So you met someone. That's great! Tell me about her" and proceeds to have a conversation about this new girl. Well, the guy is so confused after about ten minutes that he's practically crying. He keeps asking her if she's upset and she says "Of course not" in a genuine, honest voice. Now the ex is pursuing her like mad and for weeks after the "fling" announcement was constantly bugging her to see if she'd met any guys she liked.

 

Luckily, he caught on to the game and when she tells him she goes out on dates he listens and asks interested questions. She opens up to him about new guys she meets and he listens. Because of this she has a series of recurring dates, but never anything serious or physical, because she is so in love with her ex now.

 

Just my 2 cents, but I think playing it cool about other people can work wonders. I'm not saying to be submissive and let your ex give you STDs and listen to detailed accounts of how hot the new guy is. I'm just saying be a good friend and be interested, and if you date, give her the opportunity to do that for you.

 

I think NC is crap if you want to get back together. But it is really good that she thinks she could lose you. Very good. I wish my ex would think he'd lose me --- or maybe he doesn't care if he does? Oh well, we'll see.

[lost_in_chgo]

silenoz,

 

every situation is diffferent.

If you and your ex were broken up, then she wasn't cheating on you.

If you date someone in the meantime, you'll find that your perspective on this is a little different.

 

If she had dated the same other guys before meeting you, would you care?

If you end up with her in the end, then she's making a choice or at least realizing that you are better for her than they are and that she wants to be with you.

 

That's really a stronger tie than having her always wonder.

 

Jealousy and possessiveness are good things, in moderation. Beyond that, they become destructive.

[PhotoGuy]

Lost, that is an excellent point, and so true.

[pancakepalace]

At the start of the break-up I told her that if she decided to sleep with someone else then it was over, we had no chance of getting back together. And yet she did (twice!) and lately has decided she wants me back. And I don't know if I can do it, I can't stop thinking about what she's done. I'm going to give the relationship another go but I'm not that optimistic about it...Why do people have to create so many problems, it's not that hard to think before you act!

 

I have to comment on this silenoz. She is not creating problems, you are. If a girl dumps you, you are not together anymore and all is fair game for both. Being jealous about the past is simply childish and immature. Sure it can hurt, but it is your problem not hers. You are the one who has not made his mind up. You said if she slept with someone she could never be back with you, yet you change your mind when she decides she wants you. You are not following your own rules. If you are hurt it is your fault not hers.

 

We are adults here. Adults date and have sex when they are single. If this bothers anyone I guess they should find virgins.

 

Lets not be obsessive and torment ouselfs guys. If it causes problems that she slept around then you have the choice not to go back with her. You should be happy for her she had a good time if you truly love her.

 

I know this is easier said then done. But, isn't that what being an adult is all about?

[pancakepalace]

Unicorn,

 

I agree we should not worry if our ex dates someone else. We have to respect their decision if we truly love them. But, I disagree we should be there to talk to them about it unless we want to become friends and not lovers again. An ex-boyfriend is not a girlfriend you tell your love problems too.

 

I see how this could somehow bring the two people closer, but I don't think it is very fair for the people they are both dating. The new relationships could never really flower.

 

We can be nice to our ex's but if become their consultants on everylife issue and always their for them where is the challenge for them. They know they'll never lose you so they can take all their time in the world to be without you.

 

my 2 cents,

pel

[silenoz]

Originally posted by pancakepalace

I have to comment on this silenoz. She is not creating problems, you are. If a girl dumps you, you are not together anymore and all is fair game for both. Being jealous about the past is simply childish and immature. Sure it can hurt, but it is your problem not hers.

 

Listen... I'm not creating problems, I'm being very understanding by considering a second chance. People make mistakes, I know I've made many and probably will in the future. What I said to her about not getting back together if she decided to sleep around was said in panic, because the thought of it caused me a lot of pain. I don't know if you've been in a similar situation pancake.. but it does hurt (a lot). I have to try again because I'm still in love with her and I don't think I can give up just yet. We both have so much work to do and it's going to be hard but when you really care about someone and want them in your life you have to go for it.... At least try! And if I lose again then I'm going to be 20 times worse but I'd like to think she's worth the risk... I don't know, maybe I'm too young and inexperienced in love. Oh well.... life isn't easy I guess!

[pancakepalace]

Hi silenoz,

 

Sorry to be so tough on you. Yes, I have been in a very similar situation. What I am saying is that if you really love her than you will be able to forgive and forget before your second chance. There will be no second chance if you have hangups about her dating people because this will stress you out and you won't have a disposed mind to really take advantage of your second chance. Anyhow, this isn't even a question of forgiving since she is allowed to date who she wants.

 

If you love her, let her free and worry not about who she sees. When the second chance comes let the passed be the passed. Remember, sex and love are two different things.

 

Good luck!

[tokyo]

Remember, sex and love are two different things.

 

So, you wouldn´t mind having your girlfriend sleep around? I mean, as long as she loves you she should have the possibility to find sexual fulfillment also with other people, sometimes the same guy just can´t give a woman what she wants and she needs to see other people, too.

 

I see the exes as egoists who want to eat the cake and keep it. They know you will stay there for them, they know they will hurt you, but they would still like to try it with other people. They risk losing you, yet they do it.

[Leikela]

My take on it is that if she truly felt you were compatible and truly felt you two had a serious future together, she wouldn't have accepted a job across the world many miles from you.

 

She was smart to break up with you because long distance relationships are hard and often don't work. Her priority at this time in her life was not you. Think about it. You want to be with a person that would move mountains to want to be with you. I could never fathom leaving my boyfriend behind and going half way across the world without him. I would rather die.

 

What's done is done. Accept the fact that she's moved on and move on yourself. You'll find someone more suitable for you. I am sorry you are going through this right now. These things are never easy.

[pancakepalace]

So, you wouldn´t mind having your girlfriend sleep around?

 

I personnally don't date girls who sleep around. If my girlfriend would cheat on me I would leave her, or if I really care, try to figure out why and fix it. If I decide to stay I would have to forgive her...

 

But, in this case she isn't cheating. The girl left him, he told her 'If you sleep with someone else I won't take you back', she sees someone else when she is SINGLE, she comes back and he takes her. Sorry, my dear lads but this is life. You can take her or leave her you have the choice. She didn't SLEEP AROUND I reapeat....SHE WAS SINGLE.

 

If you are going to lay down some rules, then not follow them and cry about how she should have been faithful while single then only one word for you. CHUMP.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by pancakepalace

I personnally don't date girls who sleep around. If my girlfriend would cheat on me I would leave her, or if I really care, try to figure out why and fix it. If I decide to stay I would have to forgive her...

 

I don´t say she has to sleep around, maybe just spend the night occasionally with someone she finds hots. If sex and love are completely different, you should understand it. It´s not about forgiving or anything, your claim was, sex and love are different. Explain to me why people expect other people to be faithful in a relationship. Why do they have to preserve their bodies exclusively for one person if they could have some nice experience with other people, too? You might even learn something new.

 

 

But, in this case she isn't cheating. The girl left him, he told her 'If you sleep with someone else I won't take you back', she sees someone else when she is SINGLE, she comes back and he takes her. Sorry, my dear lads but this is life. You can take her or leave her you have the choice. She didn't SLEEP AROUND I reapeat....SHE WAS SINGLE.

 

If you are going to lay down some rules, then not follow them and cry about how she should have been faithful while single then only one word for you. CHUMP.

 

I didn´t say she was cheating, what I say is, I bet she was aware that it would hurt him, I also think she was aware that he loved her a lot, enough to take her back. She wanted to have fun at *his* costs. People like her don´t tell you, I don´t love you anymore and I would like you to move on and find someone new. I would like you to be happy. They keep you at the backburner.

 

I know someone whom I suspect is doing the same. Maybe I´m stupid and my ego is too big, but I can already hear him say that he had made mistakes and would like to give it another try. I hate him for what he is doing now. I should not take him back, but I´m weak. I don´t know what I should do.

[lost_in_chgo]

Sex and love are different in a few ways, but I think that the original point was more along the line that your ex could just be having sex with someone, and not be in love with them. Most people don't wait for love before having sex.

 

So you have a leg up on the competition if she loves you. Everyone she meets is being evaluated and compared to you.

 

If she doesn't, well then, you're just another stop on the journey.

[pancakepalace]

Hi kooky,

 

I don´t say she has to sleep around, maybe just spend the night occasionally with someone she finds hots. If sex and love are completely different, you should understand it. It´s not about forgiving or anything, your claim was, sex and love are different. Explain to me why people expect other people to be faithful in a relationship. Why do they have to preserve their bodies exclusively for one person if they could have some nice experience with other people, too? You might even learn something new.

 

Well, let's see. What I meant that sex and love are different is that you can have sex without love and vice versa. I had a few 'sexual friends' in my life and can tell you I didn't love them at all. As for the relationship this is something for the two individuals to decide. If things are honest and both parties agree, then I don't see any reason why you couldn't be in a couple where each member dates other people. I have some friends who do this. It is possible and exists. And yes, you probably would learn something new. Personnaly, I have never tried and would not want to. My goal is to be in a honest and growing relationship with one person. I don't want to deal with my girl dating other people even if I know it is not love. It just seems complicated for nothing. I'd rather find creative ways to sexually gratify one another. This is a personal decision.

 

As for silenoz, it is for him to decide what is good for him. If he decides to be with her, he should set the limits he is willing to accept and live with them. No need to bring up the past.

 

I didn´t say she was cheating, what I say is, I bet she was aware that it would hurt him, I also think she was aware that he loved her a lot, enough to take her back. She wanted to have fun at *his* costs. People like her don´t tell you, I don´t love you anymore and I would like you to move on and find someone new. I would like you to be happy. They keep you at the backburner.

 

I agree with you here. But, again, this is for silenoz to decide if he wants to be with a person like this. I certainly would not want to. Why be with someone who hurts us intentionally. Is this love?

 

The whole problem with silenoz's way of doing things stems from the fact that he knows what is going on, doesn't like it, but, for some reason, decides to accept her back without accepting that her behaviour is innadequate for him. This is illogical. Why want someone back when their behavious makes you unhappy. He doesn't realy love her because he can't accept everything about her including her mistakes and bad decisions. She doesn't love him because she is treating him like ****.

 

If you date a girl, she dumps you, dates other people, and you get mad at her and feel all wrong inside isn't this a sign that you are not taking care of yourself and that you, for some reason, are not able to move on? This isn't about her anymore, it is about Silenoz.

She has moved on but he can't.

[tokyo]

He should not let her in so readily. He should have made sure that she has changed and how deep her feelings for him really went.

 

He is too much in love and too weak in this relationship and I wouldn´t be surprised if she did it again. People will step on you if you are too nice and don´t love yourself enough except when they appreciate how great your love is, but that is doubtful in her case. People like her have to suffer till they realize anything, unless this happen they follow their own selfish desires. I´m not sure if this then could be considered true love or not, I wouldn´t want to have to change and teach my partner how to love me and respect me.

 

But pancakepalace is right, he either forgives her or he leaves her. I´d take a break from any relationship and think about it again. You will also see how fast she will love for replacement if you ask her for a break. If she looks for someone else again, be sure that your relationship wouldn´t have worked out anyway, because she hasn´t changed. You have any right to be wary of her faithfulness and honesty.

[herbert]

wow, no-one replied to my post for a bit and suddenly it's all got a bit heated!

 

I have to agree with kooky on this one, and this is where I think silenoz is coming from too...

 

I know love and sex don't always go together, but am I alone in thinking if you are in love with one person you don;t have sex with someone else? Not if you knew it would ruin your chances with the one you loved? Something along the lines of (I wasn't quite this harsh):

 

"fine, you want to break up, I don't want to but OK, that's fine, if you need your space or whatever. BUt if you go and sleep with some other guy I have to question your motives if you then come back to me. I don;t see how you can claim to have been in love with me the whole time. What, will you be thinking of me as you are jumping into bed with this other guy? I don't think so. "

 

I'm a 29 year old guy, and I'm pretty red blooded. If I can control myself (and I have, for a good few months now) why can't she? Of course she doesnt have to. But to me, it says a lot if she doesn't. It says she's prepared to throw away any chance of getting back together so she can enjoy the moment.

 

It would be OK if she said she didnt want to be with me any more, didnt like me any more or something. Why does she have to say things like 'I dont want to lose you' and 'maybe one day we'll get married'.

 

Of course I want her back, but I just hope I don't end up in a situation like silenoz where she changes her mind, too late. That's really why I don't want to be in contact any more. She just doesnt seem to get it.

[pancakepalace]

Sorry for getting of track and talking about silenoz Herbert! You are right this thread is for you!

 

I think your problem is that the communication you had with your girlfriend isn't clear. You have to know which of the following two possibilities is true.

 

1. She wants a break from the relationship and will come back to you for sure afterwards.

2. She wants a breakup.

 

As soon as a girl would tell me she wants a break and be able to date other people, I would treat this as a breakup. Why? Because, first I don't really believe in breaks and second if she wants to date other people it is obvioulsy because she wants to look for someone better and not work out the problems she has with you.

 

I think your idea of doing NC is perfect. You need to set your limits.

 

Tell her 'If you want to take a break and work out problems you have with me, that's fine. If you want to take a break to date other people, than I will consider this a breakup. I don't want to breakup with you, so this will be hard for me. Since it will be hard, I think we should stop communication until I feel over this and then we will see where we stand.'

 

phrase it better. This is the only thing you can do.

[herbert]

Thanks Pancake Palace

 

It's OK, everyone was pretty much on-topic anyway

 

You're right, it's because she keeps wavering between 1 and 2 that it's so hard. The last email she sent, it was half about her saying an LDR isn't a proper relationship, we can only be in touch rarely. She said it would probably be a long time until we are together again. She said she didn't know when she would be back, and LDRs can't work over an indefinite time period. So she was saying we should break up, 'all or nothing'.

 

The other half of the email she was apologising for being unclear about her fellings and saying she is confused, that she has been looking at our photos and remembering all the good times, that she is stressed out and thinking about me all of the time.

 

The other thing that confused the hell out of me was how after breaking up on her day of departure she called me nearly every day (she could b/cos not started job yet). In the end I told her to stop calling b/cos it was just confusing me, on the phone she acted like we were still together. She cried for about 24 hours non stop and since then the rest of it has all been on email.

 

I have pretty much set out my position with her. I said I'm not some kind of time share apartment. She can see whoever she wants but if she does then she can't come back to me. I also explained why NC, and said I didn't feel bad about doing NC any more cos she could choose to come back, or choose to stay faithful if she wanted to be in contact with me. She didn't reply to this last email at all, though I said I'd really like her to call so we could say our goodbyes.

 

It's left me thinking, has she not called b/cos she doesn't care, or because she is upset (she can never talk on the phone when she's upset)? I at least wanted an amicable parting on the phone instead of on email, but I have no way of calling her.

 

It's academic I guess. I suppose what I'm really looking for is advice on what to do if/when we see each other again if she has slept with others in the meantime. I'm almost certain I could get her back if she was here. And she will be saying, 'I was lonely' or 'I was drunk' or 'you could have seen other people too'.

 

I know I should be moving on and not thinking about her anymore, but I also know one day she is going to get back in touch.

[silenoz]

I'm setting myself up for a fall... I know that if things don't work out for me I'm going to be in an even worse situation. I think getting out now and calling off the whole idea of getting back together would be the sensible thing to do....... But people are stupid, my ex feels stupid for what she's done, and now I'm going to feel stupid for what I'm about to do.

 

Love is amazing isn't it?

[tokyo]

silenoz, tell yourself she´s a human being that has her weaknesses and that despite this you still love her or maybe even for this even more.....