Fiance bought his ex a house without asking me?!

[Confused19855]

I've been with my fiance for 3 years, he proposed last month and everything has been like a fairy tale. We are both madly in love, never fight, and he is a perfect guy and treats me like a princess. But when it comes to his ex (with whom he has been for 9 years - which bothers me because that's a lot longer than we have been together), he does things without even asking me if it's OK first. First he bought her a car, which I guess wasn't so bad because her car broke down and she had to get to work.

 

But now I find out he bought her a $400,000 house as well (without taking out mortgage - he paid full sum). I know there is nothing going on between them, they do hang out sometimes, but he always answers phone when they are together and comes home early. She also has a boyfriend (with whom she will be living in a house purchased by my fiance - that in itself is bizzare. I do know her boyfriend is not as well off though). Her boyfriend does not like this either and they have fights over this. But can I really expect them to not be friends after practically growing up together?

 

When I confronted him about it, he said that there is nothing for me to worry about, that he just wants to help her because they were together for a long time and he feels like she "wasted her best years on me when I wasn't ready for marriage". I was not comfortable with him buying her a house, but when I push the issue further he gets mad and says to not tell him how to spend his money.

 

We have no other problems at all. Buying this house did not negatively affect his/ours finances, he could afford it. We have a very nice house ourselves that we live in, much nicer than the house he bought her. Am I overreacting here? Is this really not a huge deal to make a fight over?

[Balzac]

Look at it this way - he'll be generous w you. It's premarital money until you marry him. Seems to me you're insecure and causing him grief.

[heartshaped]

Is your fiance very well off? Even so, that is quite a sum of money to be spending on someone who isn't family. Has there been anyone else he has bought such lavish gifts for? Honestly, I think in any context buying things for an ex are unacceptable. A gift of that magnitude would make me highly uncomfortable.

[Balzac]

In my city a house of that value isn't a reality. Maybe exurb.

Add the house and 50K car he's paying her back salary of $50k.

I'm not seeing that as out of range. That's a generous exBF who feels it a fair remuneration for taking her off of the market for 9 yrars.

[Confused19855]

Look at it this way - he'll be generous w you. It's premarital money until you marry him. Seems to me you're insecure and causing him grief.

 

You may be right. Reading some of the other issues people face on here... this does not seem to be even a "problem". Maybe I am just a little jealous because he really does care a lot for his ex. Every time she comes to him with some problem, he drops everything to help her with everything (material or otherwise). One time she and her current boyfriend got into a fight and she was crying.. he almost beat up the guy and I didn't even think he should've even gotten involved. I am 100% sure he is not romantically involved with her though, we have a great relationship and are together almost 24/7.

 

Is your fiance very well off? Even so, that is quite a sum of money to be spending on someone who isn't family. Has there been anyone else he has bought such lavish gifts for? Honestly, I think in any context buying things for an ex are unacceptable. A gift of that magnitude would make me highly uncomfortable.

 

Since his business has become very successful, he has also bought a house for his parents and for us (obviously lol). He also spends quite large sums on philanthropy, he is very generous and giving in general. But I can tell his ex is still very special to him. He does say he loves her, but like family. And their breakup was due to the fact that they didn't have that "spark" anymore and he didn't want to marry someone without that passionate romantic love.

[2sunny]

Is the house in his name or hers?

[oldshirt]

People don't bat an eye in asking for sexual exclusivity when entering a relationship and often don't bat an eye at ending the relationship if the other person either doesn't agree to it or violates it after the agreement.

 

Financial exclusivity can be just as important.

 

Your fiance' is obviously a very successful financially but he if he is investing his money into her, that is money that is not available to you and to your life and your future offspring.

 

You have every much right to want financial fidelity from your partner as much he would want sexual fidelity from you.

 

This is a legitimate deal-breaker regardless of if he sticks his penis in her or not.

[oldshirt]

You may be right. Reading some of the other issues people face on here... this does not seem to be even a "problem". Maybe I am just a little jealous because he really does care a lot for his ex. Every time she comes to him with some problem, he drops everything to help her with everything (material or otherwise). One time she and her current boyfriend got into a fight and she was crying.. he almost beat up the guy and I didn't even think he should've even gotten involved. I am 100% sure he is not romantically involved with her though, we have a great relationship and are together almost 24/7.

 

 

 

Since his business has become very successful, he has also bought a house for his parents and for us (obviously lol). He also spends quite large sums on philanthropy, he is very generous and giving in general. But I can tell his ex is still very special to him. He does say he loves her, but like family. And their breakup was due to the fact that they didn't have that "spark" anymore and he didn't want to marry someone without that passionate romantic love.

 

It IS a problem. You are just going along with it at the moment because you are "in love" and he has enough money that you are getting your needs met even though he is giving it out to his ex too.

 

Here's the catch though, it will be just a very short period of time before you want ALL of it and are going to be resentful and bitter that he is investing any money and/or emotional energy into her AT ALL.

 

If he made 50K a year and was driving a Toyota Corolla would you be this accepting of his emotional and financial involvement and investment into her?

 

Again, you have to decide how much you are wiling to put up with his subdivision of financial and emotional resources. For most people the answer is 'none.' The only thing that makes this case any different than any other guy that is still invested in his ex is the number of digits behind the dollar sign.

 

you are looking at this from strictly a sexual exclusivity standpoint, as long as his d!(k doesn't go into her you are ok with it. How long do you think you are really going to feel that way??

[CarrieT]

Get a pre-nup.

 

Seriously. Once you two are married and he is earning money, half of what he earns will technically be yours (and vice-versa!). How will you feel if he is still buying this for his Ex out of the marital estate?

 

This is not an issue now, but it could be down the road... Personally, I think a $400k "gift" is a little excessive and would raise red flags for me for a long-term relationship.

[Eve]

I cannot imagine falling out with H enough to not want him to be secure, even if our marriage was to somehow go to ****.

 

H'mmm, I would look at whether he thinks he can really talk to you about his heart intentions but I say this without much experience of cheating partners though - so I may be being my usual idealistic self, lol.That is the primary hazard I can spot.

 

The only thing I can think off in real life terms is that I did help an ex out with a washing machine and didn't speak to H about it. I did it on the spot because it was the right thing to do.

 

Even though it was 400000, monetary amounts mean little to me in terms of getting the job done and getting it done well.

 

Talk.

 

Take care.

Eve x

[MidwestUSA]

What stands out to me is that it bothers you that he was with her for nine years, longer than he has been with you. When does that feeling end? When you have nine years in with him? Not sure if this falls into the category of retroactive jealousy; maybe someone else here can chime in. Good luck, sounds like you have a very generous guy who doesn't place a lot of sentimental value on material goods, as he can hand them out as he pleases.

[smoky eyes]

I also think this is more about the jealousy than the money. It's normal and natural to feel somewhat jealous and possessive when you're really in love with someone, but I personally think it's a positive thing that he's looking out for his ex, although I'm not sure it's a positive thing for HER new relationship.

 

And what do you think her opinion is on all of this?

[Mr_Bravo]

I would not be happy with this. I am of the narrow minded opinion, that you cant "Just be Friends" with someone you have had sex with.

 

Sorry but if you are engaged then there is no way he should be buying his ex a house in my opinion.

 

"Get stuck in the past and you will go no where fast!"

 

I would not be able to conceive these actions. I could understand if they had a child, if it was a loan, but just buying a house for an ex like that is not right.

 

I would be very concerned about marrying this person, and I would just let it play out a bit.

 

Let me ask did his ex break it off or did he? Because I think one of 2 things.

1. He still loves her

2. He is Penis measuring with her new boyfriend.

 

If she broke it off and 2 is true...Get out now while you can.

 

 

Do not let the Philanthropy thing blind side you. She is not a case for it. She has a boy friend, she no doubt has a family etc. At best you could call it charity at worst love!

Edited August 28, 2013 by Mr_Bravo

[Babolat]

I've been with my fiance for 3 years, he proposed last month and everything has been like a fairy tale. We are both madly in love, never fight, and he is a perfect guy and treats me like a princess. But when it comes to his ex (with whom he has been for 9 years - which bothers me because that's a lot longer than we have been together), he does things without even asking me if it's OK first. First he bought her a car, which I guess wasn't so bad because her car broke down and she had to get to work.

 

But now I find out he bought her a $400,000 house as well (without taking out mortgage - he paid full sum). I know there is nothing going on between them, they do hang out sometimes, but he always answers phone when they are together and comes home early. She also has a boyfriend (with whom she will be living in a house purchased by my fiance - that in itself is bizzare. I do know her boyfriend is not as well off though). Her boyfriend does not like this either and they have fights over this. But can I really expect them to not be friends after practically growing up together?

 

When I confronted him about it, he said that there is nothing for me to worry about, that he just wants to help her because they were together for a long time and he feels like she "wasted her best years on me when I wasn't ready for marriage". I was not comfortable with him buying her a house, but when I push the issue further he gets mad and says to not tell him how to spend his money.

 

We have no other problems at all. Buying this house did not negatively affect his/ours finances, he could afford it. We have a very nice house ourselves that we live in, much nicer than the house he bought her. Am I overreacting here? Is this really not a huge deal to make a fight over?

 

I intially thought "what the heck?!". Then I read some of the replies, and I am trying to listen to them and see the good in him...yet something just feels strange about this. The relationship is OVER; he does not need to make amends to her in my opinion.

[serial muse]

I intially thought "what the heck?!". Then I read some of the replies, and I am trying to listen to them and see the good in him...yet something just feels strange about this. The relationship is OVER; he does not need to make amends to her in my opinion.

 

Yeah, I too was struck by the part where the OP said "he just wants to help her because they were together for a long time and he feels like she 'wasted her best years on me when I wasn't ready for marriage' ".

 

It sounds like he's giving her these things out of guilt, and my question would be at what point that need to make reparations comes to an end, if ever.

 

Also, it's nice that he wants to help her out, but it seems like it's sowing seeds of dissent in two relationships. He sounds like a decent guy, but I think there's a boundary issue here that's worth addressing. Good intentions aren't always the smartest path. And if he's getting into dust-ups with his ex's BF, this sure isn't going to help things. Boundaries need to be drawn there, for the good of all...

[Keenly]

While I find it odd, his behavior. I do have to say that the man does not need to " ask" you for permission on what to do with HIS money. That comment really made my head spin.

[CarrieT]

And why -- after NINE YEARS together -- did they never marry?

 

What is it about you that is different that he wants to marry now? Is he going to buy you a house?

 

Whose name is the house in? He bought it, but was it gifted to her wholly and entirely in her name?

[Babolat]

While I find it odd, his behavior. I do have to say that the man does not need to " ask" you for permission on what to do with HIS money. That comment really made my head spin.

 

No, he does not need to ask for permission, though I think it would be respectful to talk to his current woman prior to doing this. There is something that just feels off about this to me.

 

I remember when I was married, one of my exes found me on the internet and sent me an email. Kind of a "Hey, is that you?". She was married, kids, I could tell happy, not looking to start anything agin. Prior to replying I talked to my wife at the time, to see if she was OK with it. She said yes, just let me know if you start re-developing feelings for her. I thought that was the respectful thing to do.

 

To me, it's about respect and communication.

[darkmoon]

OP wrote...."But can I really expect them to not be friends after practically growing up together?"....

 

you can expect to know that you come first, to know by his behaviour that is, do not argue he might yet be on his way with a gift-wrapped palace for you, but not if you argue it is just too unappealing

 

he feels guilt, okay, you just need to establish if she has been fully paid off, then the problem is over, make a deal, end of story

Edited August 28, 2013 by darkmoon

[Confused19855]

That's a generous exBF who feels it a fair remuneration for taking her off of the market for 9 yrars.

 

That is what he pretty much says. I also think he has the issue with guilt for not marrying her and having kids.

 

And why -- after NINE YEARS together -- did they never marry?

 

What is it about you that is different that he wants to marry now? Is he going to buy you a house?

 

Whose name is the house in? He bought it, but was it gifted to her wholly and entirely in her name?

 

They started dating when they were 16 (each other's firsts) and according to him, did not marry because he wasn't ready for it and did not want to have kids until at least 30 (and she did). After that he dated another girl, and now me. He does not speak with that other girl he dated.

 

House is pain in full and is in her name, he has nothing to do with the house ownership at all. He gave it to her on her birthday, I don't think she even asked him (as far as I know). I think this created some drama with her current boyfriend though, whom my fiance really hates. He thinks the guy is a loser and his ex is too good for him. He actually tried setting her up with one of his business acquaintances before she met the current guy (which I also find a little strange), but that didn't work out. He wanted to set her up with someone else even now that she's not single, but she didn't want to.

 

As far as our relationship - he bought us a house and we are planning to start a family. Our relationship is great, nobody has treated me so well in my life or was so attentive and caring. His personality is very generous and giving and always trying to help everyone, it's almost too much sometimes lol

Edited August 28, 2013 by Confused19855

[CarrieT]

he bought us a house and we are planning to start a family.

Is your name on that house or are you just living in it with him?

 

Have you two discussed a pre-nup at all?

[Confused19855]

Is your name on that house or are you just living in it with him?

 

Have you two discussed a pre-nup at all?

 

I am not marrying him for money and I know he will take care of me and that's a non-issue at all. His business is worth close to $50M and he the most caring guy I've ever met, he could've married pretty much anyone he wanted to lol. I'm not very good with finances (I'm an artist by profession), I know he will take care of me so that's a non-issue at all. Not gonna make an issue where I know there isn't one.

[Balzac]

So your main concern that brought you to LS is your feelings of insecurity?

I'm not getting it I guess.

[2sunny]

I am not marrying him for money and I know he will take care of me and that's a non-issue at all. His business is worth close to $50M and he the most caring guy I've ever met, he could've married pretty much anyone he wanted to lol. I'm not very good with finances (I'm an artist by profession), I know he will take care of me so that's a non-issue at all. Not gonna make an issue where I know there isn't one.

 

You didn't answer the question. Is your name on the house?

 

And - the house he bought for her - who's name is on THAT house?

[CarrieT]

Like 2sunny said, you did not answer the question.

 

I am not marrying him for money and I know he will take care of me and that's a non-issue at all.

It should be. He will take care of you NOW. You have no guarantee of the future. None.

 

Not gonna make an issue where I know there isn't one.

You should make it an issue.

 

I will use me as an example. I am also an artist. A professional one at that (my work is in galleries on three continents). I'm also a published writer. But I don't make a ton of money at my creative endeavors.

 

I am currently engaged to an eye surgeon (i.e., he makes decent money). He was engaged to a woman who got pregnant. When he brought up a pre-nup, she said it would never hold up in court because the pregnancy would make it seem like coercion. His mistake that he didn't verify what she said. They got married and had two other children.

 

Their divorce cost him MILLIONS because he did not protect himself with a pre-nup. When he proposed to me, *I* am the one who suggested a pre-nup, to assure him that I was not a gold-digger who would go after him the way his ex did. My pre-nup has been written to take take of me in the case of divorce. I didn't ask for that and I was very surprised when my fiance wrote that in as a clause. He didn't have to.

 

I saw a pre-nup attorney last week and I will offer her analogy. "Of course right now, you two are in the throws of the romance where the concept of divorce is inconceivable. But you have to look at this document as you would earthquake insurance: You hope and pray that the catastrophe never befalls you, but if it does, you want to be taken care of." Now living in California, I can assure you than many people don't bother with earthquake insurance, but having lived through several (seriously - I was made homeless by the Northridge earthquake and didn't have insurance), that sound advice made sense to me.

 

My pre-nup is an offering to my fiance that I will not sue him for the millions that his Ex did (and got). But it also protects me.

 

That your fiance, with his $50M billion (ostensibly, that would make him a savvy businessman) to NOT ask you for a pre-nup is pretty stupid on his part as well.

 

A marriage is not just a union of two people. It is a business relationship and should be treated as such.

Edited August 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator