Fiance bought his ex a house without asking me?!

[2sunny]

I suggest you always have an independent way of EARNING your own living - enough to be capable of supporting YOURSELF.

 

It will help YOUR self respect level.

 

Earn money - and while/IF you don't need it - find a million ways to give it to others.

 

IF he is smart - the house he bought is in HIS name... And she merely lives there rent free...but we don't know yet because you haven't yet answered the simple questions.

 

 

IF he is a generous and kind as you seem to think he is - then expect him to go through life looking to do good things for OTHERS. Some grateful folks do this like they breathe - and trying to take away that kind of happiness that he's created for HIMSELF isn't right.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I think the issue is the close personal relationship the fiancé has with his x.

 

 

I assume the house is equivalent to a nice sweater for the rest of us.

 

Ok...I get it.

 

OP you guys have not been together long I am assuming?

 

So fiancé brakes up with XGF because she wants marriage and kids and he's not ready. He dates OP and is now ready for marriage and children. I am assuming there is a good amount of guilt there.

 

I also get that he cares about her...but just as in several recent threads....the relationship with the x crosses into possessiveness and intimacy.

 

They were together 9 years so there had to be attraction and love for some of that time...so the best thing to do is tell fiancé about your concerns about how close they are and how much they depend on each other and fear that it will impede on your relationship. Especially over time.

 

How you you get along with the XGF?

 

IIWII

[2sunny]

Maybe he loves to rescue? She provides drama - he fixes her problems.

 

As long as she gets what she needs from him - she isn't going away.

 

Invite her and her BF over for dinner. Become her friend. See what she's capable of - either she's a friend of your (soon to be) marriage or she's not.

[ChooseTruth]

I dunno, I've been watching a lot of cheesy dating videos and one of the things people warn about is dating someone who is best friends with their ex. This relationship with the Ex sounds a bit dangerous from my perspective.

 

Bought the entire house outright? Sheeesh. I wish I could do that for myself...

[Tiger Lily]

When I confronted him about it, he said that there is nothing for me to worry about, that he just wants to help her because they were together for a long time and he feels like she "wasted her best years on me when I wasn't ready for marriage". I was not comfortable with him buying her a house, but when I push the issue further he gets mad and says to not tell him how to spend his money.

 

Am I overreacting here? Is this really not a huge deal to make a fight over?

 

OP ~ you are free to disregard this issue. I personally couldn't tolerate such an arrangement. Because not only is your fiancé doing something inappropriate, imo, but he's making you out to be the nagging meddler for even wanting to discuss it.

 

I think his defensiveness and shoddy excuses ("wasted her best years"... 16-25!?! She had plenty of childbearing years left!) are a cover for lingering feelings. He might love you, but that doesn't mean he wants to cut ties with his past.

[Confused19855]

The house is in her name, I answered this twice already, so not sure why people keep asking the same question over and over. He gave her a check for $400k for the house and he has nothing to do with that house other than buying it, he has never even been inside there.

 

The house we live in is in his name. He bought it with his money and we are not married yet. And I have no problem supporting myself either and have done so all my life (not sure what this even has to do with the discussion). Also, if he has feelings for her, why does he always try to set her up with his business acquaintances? I think he just really cares about her, wants her to be happy and not have a financial worry of a mortgage payment every month. He said this will be the last thing he helps her with unless its a real emergency, so I think its best for me to leave this issue in the past and move on with our lives..

[Betterthanthis13]

To put the money part in perspective-

 

If he makes $50million a year, and spent $400k on the ex's house, that is equivalent to a guy who makes $100k a year going out and spending $800 on something for his ex girlfriend. So call it making a rent payment instead.

 

I don't see why a fiancee wouldn't take issue with a 100k guy paying his ex's rent, no matter how caring or generous he is. I dont see why he should get a free pass to do things like that simply because he has a lot of money...

[Betterthanthis13]

If he is just so altruistic and generous, why not just silently give the ex 400k so she could go but a house herself? Why make a big showy deal out of buying her a surprise house? His actions and words don't match

[Nyla]

LOL!!! Surely you jest???

 

Who the hell buys an almost half million dollar HOME for an ex? I don't know a woman OR man on this planet that would be fine with their fiancee making a huge purchase for someone whose supposedly an EX.

 

Hell, go read the other threads all over LS. People get up in arms about their mates buying a damned DRINK for an ex or sending them a text! And the OP is "insecure" because this guy bought a freakin house?

 

My brain is going to explode.

 

I feel the same way. An engaged man shouldn't be buying a house for his ex. That is all kinds of wrong and shows a clear lack of respect for the OP.

 

It appears that there are still some residual feelings left over from the breakup, which is why the OP and the ex-gf's boyfriend are angry.

 

OP, please get something in writing about your ex taking care of you if the relationship were to end. People can say anything when they are in love, yet turn into complete misers once the relationship ends.

 

To be honest, I would end the engagement if I was in the OP's shoes. Let her fiancé go back to his ex if he wants to finance her life. I think his ex is using guilt to manipulate him.

[2sure]

My first husband was a great guy. I loved him , he was my best friend.

I always made more than he did and my career began to grow when we were together. But we weren't a good fit. We should have just stayed friends. We divorced. We had no children or property together.

 

We stayed in touch , he continued to struggle financially while I prospered. Two years after the divorce, when I was starting a relationship I knew would become serious and also knew would Create distance in our friendship....I gave him a bunch of money.

 

Guilt? Maybe a little. I left him. Goodwill ? Yes. I wished him well. I appreciated the supportive role he played in my life, what I learned from him, and I gave him back something for it because I could. He was a good guy, just not for me.

[2sunny]

If you have jealousy issues - I'd suggest talking with him now about that.

 

Since he's the giving type - he finds joy in that - and if you might be jealous of his generous nature - it might squish his spirit of giving...

 

To roadblock anything good he may choose to do would be tragic.

 

Do you ever ask if you can participate with him in his giving adventures?

[acrosstheuniverse]

This utterly blows my mind. I know it's 100% his money to do what he wishes with, but if you're engaged to be married, and will assumedly sharing some of your joint income, surely that's the kind of purchase you'd at least discuss with your fiancee first...?

 

I just think there are feelings left over there. It's one thing to cover someone's rent for them when they're in a really bad situation while they get back on their feet. Even that would make some people uncomfortable. But to buy them a half a million dollar house? That's SO overblown!

 

I guess like someone else said, you have to look at it in terms of his overall income and expenditure. How much, on average, does he give to charity?