August 2012, a year earlier.

[youngnlove89]

Dear ____,

 

I'm leaving you.

 

I want you to know the truth, but in the privacy of your own space. I should have left you a long time ago before birthdays, or holidays, or before the time I no longer felt important to you. Always over my head, I could never understand you. I just pretended I was okay with the way things were. It was rough R, and I never wanted to lie to you. This letter serves to tell you I cant lie anymore. I can't pretend.

 

By now you are probably confused as to why I am writing you with such vague intention, but the world is a hole that has inflated me to this state. Sometimes, I feel like I could just...explode. We never agreed on the same things. Commitment. Marriage. Putting the cap back on the toothpaste. I believe that's what become between us in the end. You always said no string attached, but there are always strings attached. Are you beginning to understand now? I can't be with you. I'm drifting R. You have sucked the air from me. I'm...descending.

 

Goodbyes are never easy, but this one is impossible. It's just exhausting and pointless and sad and despite it all...I'll miss you.

[JDPT]

Straight to the point the heart will heal. Objectively I view this and it all makes sense now, not vague at all, a wealth of neglected cries. It will be ok at the end.

[JoelT]

I read this and burst into tears.

 

I don't know your story, and I am sorry that it had to come to this, obviously much pain was involved.

 

I was all idealism and bravado, I bashed marriage and committment constantly, trying to put up a wall between myself and expectations, so that I would be prepared should it fail. But like you said, there are strings attached, whether we say so or not, and I was expecting it to fail even though I didn't say so and was not even aware enough to realise. And so it did. It was not her fault. She gave me as much as she could, I hurt her. I was a fool and it is the biggest regret of my life.

 

Please take care of yourself and continue to grow. I just wanted to share with you my side of the story, which might be relevant to what you're going through, or might not. Nothing is as it seems.

Edited August 28, 2013 by JoelT

[youngnlove89]

I read this and burst into tears.

 

I don't know your story, and I am sorry that it had to come to this, obviously much pain was involved.

 

I was all idealism and bravado, I bashed marriage and committment constantly, trying to put up a wall between myself and expectations, so that I would be prepared should it fail. But like you said, there are strings attached, whether we say so or not, and I was expecting it to fail even though I didn't say so and was not even aware enough to realise. And so it did. It was not her fault. She gave me as much as she could, I hurt her. I was a fool and it is the biggest regret of my life.

 

Please take care of yourself and continue to grow. I just wanted to share with you my side of the story, which might be relevant to what you're going through, or might not. Nothing is as it seems.

 

I'm sorry :-(

 

My ex was a commitment phobe, well, still is. He loved me, but not enough to make a commitment. It's a burn that never heals. How could he walk away from me if he loved me so much? I have so many questions I'll never know the answers too.

 

I just can't forget him even though I'm trying so hard. Your muscles have a certain memory about them, that's why we can tie our shoes or play the piano without looking, but then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorize each other. The warmth of his chest, the pace of his heartbeat, the way his fingers would curl in sequence when I used to play with his palm...

 

Moving on to another person is like moving to another country when you don't know the language, it's a scary thing.

[youngnlove89]

My heart hurts.

[Jangles524]

I just can't forget him even though I'm trying so hard. Your muscles have a certain memory about them, that's why we can tie our shoes or play the piano without looking, but then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorize each other. The warmth of his chest, the pace of his heartbeat, the way his fingers would curl in sequence when I used to play with his palm...

 

 

Reading this, it made me cry. its the first time I have cried in almost a month. I don't know why. My mind flooded with memories of the small things I've lost.

 

I know I'll never have her again, but sometimes I just wish I could know she regrets hurting me, leaving me. I just want to know a part of her is still the girl I fell in love with.

[youngnlove89]

I won't contact him. I have no need too. I just am left picking up the pieces and trying to understand why he didn't love me back.

[youngnlove89]

Reading this, it made me cry. its the first time I have cried in almost a month. I don't know why. My mind flooded with memories of the small things I've lost.

 

I know I'll never have her again, but sometimes I just wish I could know she regrets hurting me, leaving me. I just want to know a part of her is still the girl I fell in love with.

 

It's so hard. I understand that feeling.

[Simon Phoenix]

I won't contact him. I have no need too. I just am left picking up the pieces and trying to understand why he didn't love me back.

 

Sometimes things don't work the way we think they should. But the quicker you can stop dwelling on this, the quicker you'll be in position to find someone who will love you in the way you deserve. You've spent too much time trying to make this guy feel the way you want. While it's good that you have no interest in rebanging your head against that wall, you are never going to get a satisfactory answer to what you are trying to figure out. And even if you did, it won't help you in the least.

[Chris715]

Being rejected by a person because they don't love you enough or care about you enough to be with you is one of the worst feelings in the world. My ex girlfriend broke up with me 10 months ago and told me that she thinks "she never really loved me". Those words from her crushed me, killed my self esteem, and here I am still haunted and hurt by it 10 months later, unable to move on.

 

I understand some of the pain you're going through, and I wish I had an answer for both of us

[youngnlove89]

Thanks. It's just nothing seems to help. I've done everything. Everything I was told to do, I did. Now what?

 

My chest just hurts...it's so tight. And when I hold my breath, my heart just pumps faster.

 

I just want to scream and sob at the same time. But I can't frickin cry. I would give anything to cry...to release this pain...but it won't come out!

 

I'm frustrated.

[Salvatore85]

Please don't waste your time wondering why he didn't love you when there are so many great guys out there. This forum is an awesome example that there are now several good people back on the market. It definitely hurts but I'm willing to bet you're a bright and beautiful girl with a lot to offer. Someone is going to snatch you up and will appreciate everything you bring to the table.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks. It's just nothing seems to help. I've done everything. Everything I was told to do, I did. Now what?

 

My chest just hurts...it's so tight. And when I hold my breath, my heart just pumps faster.

 

I just want to scream and sob at the same time. But I can't frickin cry. I would give anything to cry...to release this pain...but it won't come out!

 

I'm frustrated.

 

Well, it takes time for all of this to pass through. Think of it like an illness -- no matter how much medicine you take, it still takes time for the virus to pass through the system. So you just keep taking medicine until the virus passes out.

 

There's no quick fix to this, especially with the amount of time you've put off treating this. It's not what you want to hear, but you have to suck it up and withstand this. If you actually see it through, once you get on the other side it will be glorious. But you actually have to stick it out.

[cavalier99]

Meh. Its just a little heart break! Nobody has died yet. Woo hoo. All is cool! Rock on! Cav

[youngnlove89]

Cav, I appreciate the positivity, but it doesn't help. It devalues my sadness and makes me feel like I have no right to be in the position I am in. I'm not expecting to die from it, if anything I'm expecting to heal from it. I just don't know how to get to that point.

 

And whenever I even mention my feelings (not pin pointing) people tell me that I'm wallowing in self pity, that I should be moved on by now. And it just weakens me even more. Makes me feel pushed to move on because I should be over it by now and then it makes me wonder why I'm not and what I can do to change it. And then I focus on it so much and get frustrated and feel like I have failed.

 

I have an addiction. It's hard to snap out of it. I'm guilty for loving someone who didn't love me back, who didn't treat me the way I wanted. I own up to my mistakes. I've learned and won't let it happen again.

 

I have kept busy, got another job, met new friends, have plans, I don't stay at home and cry, I've done what I'm supposed to do. But now all I can do is wait. The pain is still there.

Edited August 29, 2013 by youngnlove89

[Jangles524]

Cav, I appreciate the positivity, but it doesn't help. It devalues my sadness and makes me feel like I have no right to be in the position I am in. I'm not expecting to die from it, if anything I'm expecting to heal from it. I just don't know how to get to that point.

 

And whenever I even mention my feelings (not pin pointing) people tell me that I'm wallowing in self pity, that I should be moved on by now. And it just weakens me even more. Makes me feel pushed to move on because I should be over it by now and then it makes me wonder why I'm not and what I can do to change it. And then I focus on it so much and get frustrated and feel like I have failed.

 

I have an addiction. It's hard to snap out of it. I'm guilty for loving someone who didn't love me back, who didn't treat me the way I wanted. I own up to my mistakes. I've learned and won't let it happen again.

 

I have kept busy, got another job, met new friends, have plans, I don't stay at home and cry, I've done what I'm supposed to do. But now all I can do is wait. The pain is still there.

 

Being in (what I am scared is) earlier stages of what you are in now, I have very little to offer in terms of advice. Anything I can say, you've probably already experienced.

 

I mean, if I could give you a bear hug IRL I totally would. Not that it would do anything useful. You'd probably scream and the police would get involved because we've never met.

 

But still, I am happy for you. I am happy because your love never died in all this time. You have done everything in your power to move on from him and you can't.

 

I'm happy for this, because when the time comes that you finally do move on, the love you have to offer someone else is incredible. After a year apart, you hold a love for him I only wish I could have received from my ex girlfriend when we were still together. I can't even imagine what you had to give when you were in a relationship with him.

 

A year is not crazy. You have not failed. You have proven the reality of heartbreak, and you have done nothing more than show me there are women out there who can care as much as I did.

 

You'll be OK. And one day, all you have to give will be given back.

[mtnbiker3000]

Don't worry about what others think or tell you. They're not you. You have to do this yourself, and if it takes weeks or months, so be it. You have to do this. There is no other choice. It's hard, I know. We're all in the dumpee boat. We're all going through similar hardships. I am fine one day, and a wreck the next. Seems Sunday/Monday is the worst for me. Earlier this week, I was so depressed. But yesterday and today I feel much better. Up and down. It's a roller coaster. Find the strength to make it through the bad days, and you will be rewarded with the good ones. Take it day by day. Hour by hour if need be. Keep pushing forward and it will all fall into place.

[NoLeafClover]

Cav, I appreciate the positivity, but it doesn't help. It devalues my sadness and makes me feel like I have no right to be in the position I am in. I'm not expecting to die from it, if anything I'm expecting to heal from it. I just don't know how to get to that point.

 

And whenever I even mention my feelings (not pin pointing) people tell me that I'm wallowing in self pity, that I should be moved on by now. And it just weakens me even more. Makes me feel pushed to move on because I should be over it by now and then it makes me wonder why I'm not and what I can do to change it. And then I focus on it so much and get frustrated and feel like I have failed.

 

I have an addiction. It's hard to snap out of it. I'm guilty for loving someone who didn't love me back, who didn't treat me the way I wanted. I own up to my mistakes. I've learned and won't let it happen again.

 

I have kept busy, got another job, met new friends, have plans, I don't stay at home and cry, I've done what I'm supposed to do. But now all I can do is wait. The pain is still there.

What's so great about this guy that you're having such a hard time about?

[youngnlove89]

Being in (what I am scared is) earlier stages of what you are in now, I have very little to offer in terms of advice. Anything I can say, you've probably already experienced.

 

I mean, if I could give you a bear hug IRL I totally would. Not that it would do anything useful. You'd probably scream and the police would get involved because we've never met.

 

But still, I am happy for you. I am happy because your love never died in all this time. You have done everything in your power to move on from him and you can't.

 

I'm happy for this, because when the time comes that you finally do move on, the love you have to offer someone else is incredible. After a year apart, you hold a love for him I only wish I could have received from my ex girlfriend when we were still together. I can't even imagine what you had to give when you were in a relationship with him.

 

A year is not crazy. You have not failed. You have proven the reality of heartbreak, and you have done nothing more than show me there are women out there who can care as much as I did.

 

You'll be OK. And one day, all you have to give will be given back.

 

 

Thanks that is sweet of you. We haven't been apart for a year. The last time I talked to him was a week ago. We have been off and on for a year and half. He has commitment issues. he can't commit to me, but he can't commit to leaving me either.

[cavalier99]

Thanks that is sweet of you. We haven't been apart for a year. The last time I talked to him was a week ago. We have been off and on for a year and half. He has commitment issues. he can't commit to me, but he can't commit to leaving me either.

 

Hmmm last time you talked to him was a week ago? You are definitly your own worst enemy in this BU. Im not devaluing your sadness. Just that you havent maintained NC which is the number one reccomended thing on this site to get over it.

 

Also the attitude of "Meh its just a little heart break" is something that you need to generate on your own all the time.

 

I alway told myself this even when i felt like i was dying. You just need to dig really deep. We can foster this positivity and fake it until it becomes reality. Fake it to you make it gal! And again..NEVER break NC. Cav

[mtnbiker3000]

He has commitment issues. he can't commit to me, but he can't commit to leaving me either.

 

OK, I am going to be a little rough here, as I think you are holding on to this idea for some reason. There is no commitment issues. None. He just doesn't want to commit to you. He may turn around and commit 100% to the next girl, or the one after that, etc...

 

We are all in the same boat. Our ex's have cheated, lied, betrayed, deceived us. It is not because they have commitment issues. It is because they are done with us, except for the possible, occasional booty call. They don't want to commit. Period.

 

Committing to someone is a choice. Not something that can or can't be done by some people. That's rubbish!!!

 

Understand, I am not trying to bash you, but I thing you believe he has no control over his 'commitment' issue. He does. What he is doing, is using you for his wants and needs. That's all.

[youngnlove89]

I hate him.

 

And nobody understands. I have tried to explain, but no one gets it.

[mtnbiker3000]

I alway told myself this even when i felt like i was dying. You just need to dig really deep. We can foster this positivity and fake it until it becomes reality.

 

My therapist says: "Neurons that fire together, wire together" This is the idea of correcting negative thoughts. When you begin to have a negative or critical though about yourself, immediately counter it with a realistic, positive thought specifically designed to totally crush the bad one. What happens is after a while it becomes automatic and you will have much fewer and less intense negative thoughts and be able to manage them more effectively...

[mtnbiker3000]

I hate him.

 

And nobody understands. I have tried to explain, but no one gets it.

 

Actually, we do get it

[Simon Phoenix]

OK, I am going to be a little rough here, as I think you are holding on to this idea for some reason. There is no commitment issues. None. He just doesn't want to commit to you. He may turn around and commit 100% to the next girl, or the one after that, etc...

 

We are all in the same boat. Our ex's have cheated, lied, betrayed, deceived us. It is not because they have commitment issues. It is because they are done with us, except for the possible, occasional booty call. They don't want to commit. Period.

 

Committing to someone is a choice. Not something that can or can't be done by some people. That's rubbish!!!

 

Understand, I am not trying to bash you, but I thing you believe he has no control over his 'commitment' issue. He does. What he is doing, is using you for his wants and needs. That's all.

 

Exactly. Like I posted months ago, the way men see you when they first have sex with you is the way they'll always see you. He never wanted to be committed to her for whatever reason and will never be committed to her. The next woman he meets he might feel differently.

 

And it's not his job to "set you free" youngnlove89. That's your job. He's not going to do it for you. And don't worry about how long it takes. I'm not worried about you taking too much time to "recover". I'm worried about you not seeing the process through and cutting corners like you have in the past and relapsing. Recovery isn't easy, it isn't linear and it sucks. But if you put in the work and do it, the rewards are worth it. And every time you "wuss out" and relapse, it makes the next recovery attempt that much harder.

 

You'll be fine. Do the work.