failing marriage, right person - internet love

[gmp]

PART 1: Where to start. I wrote here several months ago and Tony and a few others said that they normally would try and encourage a couple to work things out but that in my case I had better move on. To recap, I met my husband at 19, 8 years ago, then got married 4 years ago. I love him as a friend, but never felt sexual connection with him, or even a real spiritual or physical connection. We were comfortable with each other from the beginning and could hang out for ages without a problem, but I never "fell in love" with him. I tried to make myself feel that, but it didn't happen. And even as we were married, I tried to make myself feel it was right, but even then I knew it wasn't right, not in the way it should feel. I was telling myself it will be OK, but I knew in my heart it wasn't. I felt myself forcing to smile, as I do now. I know i married him as it was easier than saying no, and he is seemingly wonderful and better than most, and "a good man" as people have been reminding me lately. I know all that, that's why I did it, if he was any less a kind and honest person, I would have said good bye long ago. I am his whole world, he keeps reminding me that nothing else matters, but I feel he only sees the me that he wants to, not who I really am. We argue alot and in order to achieve anything it is a battle most of the time. That is whether it is going out somewhere to socialise, cleaning up the house, what train to catch, how to make the bed, whatever, it seems we argue about how, when, why it is done. I feel there is a lack of respect, not that he means to be like that, but he treats everyone in this way, in that his opinion is strongest, and will only consider what suits him, not others. It makes me angry and I don't put up with it anymore. He was very busy most of last year, particularly the latter half, and I was more and more dissatisified, unfulfilled emotionally and sexually. He wasn't home most nights until 10pm or so, and when it was it was very difficult to get a conversation, much less some physical interaction. I became more and more resentful to the point where I was willing to walk out. Finally, in about October, a friend aasked me what was wrong, and I spilled everything. I couldn't hold back. I explained that I didn't love him the way I should, that I don't even need him, I am happy when he is away for weeks at a time to have time to myself, and I didn't miss him. And, worse, when we are together, I am completely ignored and not "seen". So, she suggested I have a talk with him and tell him how serious it is, and that the consequences are big. So, I did about November sit down and explain that I was very unhappy, to the point where I am willing to leave. That I need to have his attention, no matter how important work is, or else i will leave. I was calm and quiet, not angry, I just explained this is the reality, and it needs to change, as I am not living like this until I die, I need to live and have fun and laugh. I am certain it hit home as he changed immediately, and his hard work finished a month later, an since then he has been on a break, and making an effort, and clearly more relaxed. He spoilt me at Christmas and generally has been very caring and looking after our garden etc, and thinking of me, spoiling me at Christmas etc. I have been so much happier. But, I still don't feel the love or desire I think I should. I love him dearly as a wonderful friend and partner, but we don't connect, we never have. Something just isn't there, even when we are happy together, I feel like we're on different planets. AS we were in the early years, more carefree, even then I didn't feel like there was an understanding, or a peacefulness where you know it's right. I was always looking for that, trying to make it happen. But I promised myself I would do my best now to make it work and give him a chance, which I am. But even in this happy times there are the little arguments and offhanded dismissiveness of what I have to say, that fills me with sadness, and makes me so angry. And so I don't think he will change. I just don't see how it can work. My friend reminded me that familiarity isn't love. I wonder if you have any ideas about this?

 

Part 2: The next part will put another angle on the above. Basically I began to look on the internet in some of the clubs for fun and met someone (after meeting about more than 30 people or so). I am bisexual - liking both men and women, my husband is not interested this, although not unsupportive. I have always felt this, but not experienced anything until this year, and am glad I finally could, and he was supportive generally, but to a point, and he sees it as a threat, which is understandable. But I have to go outside us to meet people, not with him. I have only met women, and just a special few in real life. However, in the process, I have met a man who came along when I was least expecting it, around last October, by chance. Someone my age, 27, and just took me by surprise. I wasn't planning to get involved with anyone then, only women anyway, but I received an email from him and then another, which caught my attention and decided that i would reply out of curiosity. And it grew from there, so easily. Each time I thought I shouldn't continue this, I couldn't stop as each new revelation about each other was so right and amazingly alike, and it still continues each day now. The feeling of wonder and happiness just kept growing, as there was someone who "understood" me, who listened, who made me laugh, who was romantic, who is articulate, intelligent, honest, open, direct, opinionated, very kind and open-minded and very perceptive. He is Japanese American, I am Australian, but speak Japanese and lived there a long time. This is what brought us to the same club. Then, realising linguistically we were about the same level, we joked and wrote emails in both languages. Then, we talked about our favourite films, and he mentioned Rouge - trois coleur, and I completely surprised him with Bleu from the same trilogy - as my favourite ever. It was amazing that we both loved these films, and two others the same in our top 5. And then books, it was the same thing, again, and also with music and with food - about what we like to cook and eat. And so we spent alot fo time discussing our favourites and in the process more and more came about, including that we both practiced massage, interested in aromatherapy, make our own oil blends. He is also interested in art and draws very skillfully, as do I, from my art/design studies, and spends days at museums to draw, which is a dream of mine, to spend so much time in these places. We swapped pictures of our drawings etc. He also writes and plays music, which is something I have been interested in, especially lyrics. So I critiqued some work for him. This began a whole new area of ideas. He is an engineer however, and travels alot to Japan, which is similar to my position as a researcher travelling alot domestically, but visiting Japan when I can. We began talking on the phone about twice a week to begin with, and now as much as possible, and talk usually for more than an hour, often more actually, about 2 hours when we can, without a problem. The conversation is so free and easy, and full of laughter. We make each other laugh so much, mainly with our alien accents and being stupid in Japanese. He is very thoughtful, sending me things in the mail as well, photos, letters, CDs and other favourite books, as I have for him as well. Overall, I think I have fallen for him, and I can't imagine not having him around anymore, it was hard enough at Christmas for a few days. And coming back to work was actually good as I knew we would be able to chat more easily online. The thing is, I feel so light and happy with him, I can't help but smile. And he says the same, he lights up when he thinks of me, or we chat. We both feel "in love" and so happy. Delirious. I can't tell anyone about it though. I just find it amazing that from everything to sex, art, food, lifestyle, we are thinking on the same wavelength, and often the same thing at the same time. The only negative thing is he is alergic to cats, andI have one.

 

The problem is, I don't know how I should see this in light of my marriage which is not going well, hasn't been for a long time. I feel heavy when I think of my husband. Like I have a big weight on my shoulder, in my stomach and heart. But I also feel so guilty now, just as he is trying to make an effort to please me, I am almost resigned to it not working, at least I was. To him, I am making a big effort, to know I tried my best to make it work, but I can't imagine only being with him until I die. It would be terribly wasteful. I feel like my potential is so held back with him, this was before I met my lover. But since I met him, I feel so much more like I have so much to offer someone who will give it back to me, that I can't imagine not being able to experience that, even at the risk of it not working out. I have always felt held back. I thought it was Ok, that it wouldn't matter, I was "happy", in that it could be worse. It is as though I have the $100,000 prize, which isn't bad in itself, but when you think you could have the $1 million dollar or more, what should you do? Should you give it all up? Risk losing both? Right now, I feel willing to risk one for the big one, knowing full well the big one may not work out anyway. We both feel it is so right. my partner in the USA and I. I never thought I would say it, but I feel our meeting eventually in real life (probably in Australia as he will come here first) will be a formality, since we have been intimate in every way possible otherwise. Should this meeting be a concern? How should I view having met this wonderful person that I thought couldn't possibly exist in the context of my marriage possibly or being at the point of ending, just when my husband begins to try again? I am giving him every opportunity to show me how we will be from now on, but it just isn't working, and it'sterrible when I feel so completely delirious with the person I have met online. I haven't given up on my husband, and I am still trying for appearances sake, but I just don't have the desire. I don't feel anything when we have sex (I never did though) and I don't connect with him, so I wonder if I should keep trying or not. I know it will hutrt him so much and he will beg me not to leave, as this has happened in the past when we broke up, but I think I will have to endure it in future.

 

Please I need some very clear and insightful advice here about a whole range of issues. I know some of you are very good at this and I appreciate it very much. Thank you in advance.

 

xxx

[Bummed out]

Whew!!!!You certainly do have a problem....I to fell for another man before I left my husband...I too felt disconnectd from my husband (now my ex)so I left...we also share three children which made the leaving harder...but I think you have to do what you feel is right for you...no one should go through life feeling emotionally empty just for society's sake...you have one life...that's all...and I feel that you should live it to the fullest...taking chances is a part of living.

 

Oh by the way...I took the chance...we are no longer seeing each other but I wouldn't have had it any other way...I am a much more fullfilled and stronger person for having done so...good luck..

PART 1: Where to start. I wrote here several months ago and Tony and a few others said that they normally would try and encourage a couple to work things out but that in my case I had better move on. To recap, I met my husband at 19, 8 years ago, then got married 4 years ago. I love him as a friend, but never felt sexual connection with him, or even a real spiritual or physical connection. We were comfortable with each other from the beginning and could hang out for ages without a problem, but I never "fell in love" with him. I tried to make myself feel that, but it didn't happen. And even as we were married, I tried to make myself feel it was right, but even then I knew it wasn't right, not in the way it should feel. I was telling myself it will be OK, but I knew in my heart it wasn't. I felt myself forcing to smile, as I do now. I know i married him as it was easier than saying no, and he is seemingly wonderful and better than most, and "a good man" as people have been reminding me lately. I know all that, that's why I did it, if he was any less a kind and honest person, I would have said good bye long ago. I am his whole world, he keeps reminding me that nothing else matters, but I feel he only sees the me that he wants to, not who I really am. We argue alot and in order to achieve anything it is a battle most of the time. That is whether it is going out somewhere to socialise, cleaning up the house, what train to catch, how to make the bed, whatever, it seems we argue about how, when, why it is done. I feel there is a lack of respect, not that he means to be like that, but he treats everyone in this way, in that his opinion is strongest, and will only consider what suits him, not others. It makes me angry and I don't put up with it anymore. He was very busy most of last year, particularly the latter half, and I was more and more dissatisified, unfulfilled emotionally and sexually. He wasn't home most nights until 10pm or so, and when it was it was very difficult to get a conversation, much less some physical interaction. I became more and more resentful to the point where I was willing to walk out. Finally, in about October, a friend aasked me what was wrong, and I spilled everything. I couldn't hold back. I explained that I didn't love him the way I should, that I don't even need him, I am happy when he is away for weeks at a time to have time to myself, and I didn't miss him. And, worse, when we are together, I am completely ignored and not "seen". So, she suggested I have a talk with him and tell him how serious it is, and that the consequences are big. So, I did about November sit down and explain that I was very unhappy, to the point where I am willing to leave. That I need to have his attention, no matter how important work is, or else i will leave. I was calm and quiet, not angry, I just explained this is the reality, and it needs to change, as I am not living like this until I die, I need to live and have fun and laugh. I am certain it hit home as he changed immediately, and his hard work finished a month later, an since then he has been on a break, and making an effort, and clearly more relaxed. He spoilt me at Christmas and generally has been very caring and looking after our garden etc, and thinking of me, spoiling me at Christmas etc. I have been so much happier. But, I still don't feel the love or desire I think I should. I love him dearly as a wonderful friend and partner, but we don't connect, we never have. Something just isn't there, even when we are happy together, I feel like we're on different planets. AS we were in the early years, more carefree, even then I didn't feel like there was an understanding, or a peacefulness where you know it's right. I was always looking for that, trying to make it happen. But I promised myself I would do my best now to make it work and give him a chance, which I am. But even in this happy times there are the little arguments and offhanded dismissiveness of what I have to say, that fills me with sadness, and makes me so angry. And so I don't think he will change. I just don't see how it can work. My friend reminded me that familiarity isn't love. I wonder if you have any ideas about this? Part 2: The next part will put another angle on the above. Basically I began to look on the internet in some of the clubs for fun and met someone (after meeting about more than 30 people or so). I am bisexual - liking both men and women, my husband is not interested this, although not unsupportive. I have always felt this, but not experienced anything until this year, and am glad I finally could, and he was supportive generally, but to a point, and he sees it as a threat, which is understandable. But I have to go outside us to meet people, not with him. I have only met women, and just a special few in real life. However, in the process, I have met a man who came along when I was least expecting it, around last October, by chance. Someone my age, 27, and just took me by surprise. I wasn't planning to get involved with anyone then, only women anyway, but I received an email from him and then another, which caught my attention and decided that i would reply out of curiosity. And it grew from there, so easily. Each time I thought I shouldn't continue this, I couldn't stop as each new revelation about each other was so right and amazingly alike, and it still continues each day now. The feeling of wonder and happiness just kept growing, as there was someone who "understood" me, who listened, who made me laugh, who was romantic, who is articulate, intelligent, honest, open, direct, opinionated, very kind and open-minded and very perceptive. He is Japanese American, I am Australian, but speak Japanese and lived there a long time. This is what brought us to the same club. Then, realising linguistically we were about the same level, we joked and wrote emails in both languages. Then, we talked about our favourite films, and he mentioned Rouge - trois coleur, and I completely surprised him with Bleu from the same trilogy - as my favourite ever. It was amazing that we both loved these films, and two others the same in our top 5. And then books, it was the same thing, again, and also with music and with food - about what we like to cook and eat. And so we spent alot fo time discussing our favourites and in the process more and more came about, including that we both practiced massage, interested in aromatherapy, make our own oil blends. He is also interested in art and draws very skillfully, as do I, from my art/design studies, and spends days at museums to draw, which is a dream of mine, to spend so much time in these places. We swapped pictures of our drawings etc. He also writes and plays music, which is something I have been interested in, especially lyrics. So I critiqued some work for him. This began a whole new area of ideas. He is an engineer however, and travels alot to Japan, which is similar to my position as a researcher travelling alot domestically, but visiting Japan when I can. We began talking on the phone about twice a week to begin with, and now as much as possible, and talk usually for more than an hour, often more actually, about 2 hours when we can, without a problem. The conversation is so free and easy, and full of laughter. We make each other laugh so much, mainly with our alien accents and being stupid in Japanese. He is very thoughtful, sending me things in the mail as well, photos, letters, CDs and other favourite books, as I have for him as well. Overall, I think I have fallen for him, and I can't imagine not having him around anymore, it was hard enough at Christmas for a few days. And coming back to work was actually good as I knew we would be able to chat more easily online. The thing is, I feel so light and happy with him, I can't help but smile. And he says the same, he lights up when he thinks of me, or we chat. We both feel "in love" and so happy. Delirious. I can't tell anyone about it though. I just find it amazing that from everything to sex, art, food, lifestyle, we are thinking on the same wavelength, and often the same thing at the same time. The only negative thing is he is alergic to cats, andI have one. The problem is, I don't know how I should see this in light of my marriage which is not going well, hasn't been for a long time. I feel heavy when I think of my husband. Like I have a big weight on my shoulder, in my stomach and heart. But I also feel so guilty now, just as he is trying to make an effort to please me, I am almost resigned to it not working, at least I was. To him, I am making a big effort, to know I tried my best to make it work, but I can't imagine only being with him until I die. It would be terribly wasteful. I feel like my potential is so held back with him, this was before I met my lover. But since I met him, I feel so much more like I have so much to offer someone who will give it back to me, that I can't imagine not being able to experience that, even at the risk of it not working out. I have always felt held back. I thought it was Ok, that it wouldn't matter, I was "happy", in that it could be worse. It is as though I have the $100,000 prize, which isn't bad in itself, but when you think you could have the $1 million dollar or more, what should you do? Should you give it all up? Risk losing both? Right now, I feel willing to risk one for the big one, knowing full well the big one may not work out anyway. We both feel it is so right. my partner in the USA and I. I never thought I would say it, but I feel our meeting eventually in real life (probably in Australia as he will come here first) will be a formality, since we have been intimate in every way possible otherwise. Should this meeting be a concern? How should I view having met this wonderful person that I thought couldn't possibly exist in the context of my marriage possibly or being at the point of ending, just when my husband begins to try again? I am giving him every opportunity to show me how we will be from now on, but it just isn't working, and it'sterrible when I feel so completely delirious with the person I have met online. I haven't given up on my husband, and I am still trying for appearances sake, but I just don't have the desire. I don't feel anything when we have sex (I never did though) and I don't connect with him, so I wonder if I should keep trying or not. I know it will hutrt him so much and he will beg me not to leave, as this has happened in the past when we broke up, but I think I will have to endure it in future. Please I need some very clear and insightful advice here about a whole range of issues. I know some of you are very good at this and I appreciate it very much. Thank you in advance. xxx

[Deejette]

You should leave your husband and not even try to work it out any more. Your posting has a lot of contradictory emotions in it: You are happy he is trying but you don't really connect and don't really want it to work out.

 

Your heart is elsewhere and it is not fair to you or to your husband to have a relationship behind his back. Setting him free will also allow him to hook up with someone who really is more suited to him.

 

I have left some wonderful men who were devastated at the time but eventually went on to meet women who really were much more suited to them than I was and who adore them! Everyone deserves the the chance to be with someone who really, really loves them and is not just lukewarm. So sticking with your husband because you don't want to hurt him is actually more hurtful to him. Being in a false relationship is not kind to anyone.

PART 1: Where to start. I wrote here several months ago and Tony and a few others said that they normally would try and encourage a couple to work things out but that in my case I had better move on. To recap, I met my husband at 19, 8 years ago, then got married 4 years ago. I love him as a friend, but never felt sexual connection with him, or even a real spiritual or physical connection. We were comfortable with each other from the beginning and could hang out for ages without a problem, but I never "fell in love" with him. I tried to make myself feel that, but it didn't happen. And even as we were married, I tried to make myself feel it was right, but even then I knew it wasn't right, not in the way it should feel. I was telling myself it will be OK, but I knew in my heart it wasn't. I felt myself forcing to smile, as I do now. I know i married him as it was easier than saying no, and he is seemingly wonderful and better than most, and "a good man" as people have been reminding me lately. I know all that, that's why I did it, if he was any less a kind and honest person, I would have said good bye long ago. I am his whole world, he keeps reminding me that nothing else matters, but I feel he only sees the me that he wants to, not who I really am. We argue alot and in order to achieve anything it is a battle most of the time. That is whether it is going out somewhere to socialise, cleaning up the house, what train to catch, how to make the bed, whatever, it seems we argue about how, when, why it is done. I feel there is a lack of respect, not that he means to be like that, but he treats everyone in this way, in that his opinion is strongest, and will only consider what suits him, not others. It makes me angry and I don't put up with it anymore. He was very busy most of last year, particularly the latter half, and I was more and more dissatisified, unfulfilled emotionally and sexually. He wasn't home most nights until 10pm or so, and when it was it was very difficult to get a conversation, much less some physical interaction. I became more and more resentful to the point where I was willing to walk out. Finally, in about October, a friend aasked me what was wrong, and I spilled everything. I couldn't hold back. I explained that I didn't love him the way I should, that I don't even need him, I am happy when he is away for weeks at a time to have time to myself, and I didn't miss him. And, worse, when we are together, I am completely ignored and not "seen". So, she suggested I have a talk with him and tell him how serious it is, and that the consequences are big. So, I did about November sit down and explain that I was very unhappy, to the point where I am willing to leave. That I need to have his attention, no matter how important work is, or else i will leave. I was calm and quiet, not angry, I just explained this is the reality, and it needs to change, as I am not living like this until I die, I need to live and have fun and laugh. I am certain it hit home as he changed immediately, and his hard work finished a month later, an since then he has been on a break, and making an effort, and clearly more relaxed. He spoilt me at Christmas and generally has been very caring and looking after our garden etc, and thinking of me, spoiling me at Christmas etc. I have been so much happier. But, I still don't feel the love or desire I think I should. I love him dearly as a wonderful friend and partner, but we don't connect, we never have. Something just isn't there, even when we are happy together, I feel like we're on different planets. AS we were in the early years, more carefree, even then I didn't feel like there was an understanding, or a peacefulness where you know it's right. I was always looking for that, trying to make it happen. But I promised myself I would do my best now to make it work and give him a chance, which I am. But even in this happy times there are the little arguments and offhanded dismissiveness of what I have to say, that fills me with sadness, and makes me so angry. And so I don't think he will change. I just don't see how it can work. My friend reminded me that familiarity isn't love. I wonder if you have any ideas about this? Part 2: The next part will put another angle on the above. Basically I began to look on the internet in some of the clubs for fun and met someone (after meeting about more than 30 people or so). I am bisexual - liking both men and women, my husband is not interested this, although not unsupportive. I have always felt this, but not experienced anything until this year, and am glad I finally could, and he was supportive generally, but to a point, and he sees it as a threat, which is understandable. But I have to go outside us to meet people, not with him. I have only met women, and just a special few in real life. However, in the process, I have met a man who came along when I was least expecting it, around last October, by chance. Someone my age, 27, and just took me by surprise. I wasn't planning to get involved with anyone then, only women anyway, but I received an email from him and then another, which caught my attention and decided that i would reply out of curiosity. And it grew from there, so easily. Each time I thought I shouldn't continue this, I couldn't stop as each new revelation about each other was so right and amazingly alike, and it still continues each day now. The feeling of wonder and happiness just kept growing, as there was someone who "understood" me, who listened, who made me laugh, who was romantic, who is articulate, intelligent, honest, open, direct, opinionated, very kind and open-minded and very perceptive. He is Japanese American, I am Australian, but speak Japanese and lived there a long time. This is what brought us to the same club. Then, realising linguistically we were about the same level, we joked and wrote emails in both languages. Then, we talked about our favourite films, and he mentioned Rouge - trois coleur, and I completely surprised him with Bleu from the same trilogy - as my favourite ever. It was amazing that we both loved these films, and two others the same in our top 5. And then books, it was the same thing, again, and also with music and with food - about what we like to cook and eat. And so we spent alot fo time discussing our favourites and in the process more and more came about, including that we both practiced massage, interested in aromatherapy, make our own oil blends. He is also interested in art and draws very skillfully, as do I, from my art/design studies, and spends days at museums to draw, which is a dream of mine, to spend so much time in these places. We swapped pictures of our drawings etc. He also writes and plays music, which is something I have been interested in, especially lyrics. So I critiqued some work for him. This began a whole new area of ideas. He is an engineer however, and travels alot to Japan, which is similar to my position as a researcher travelling alot domestically, but visiting Japan when I can. We began talking on the phone about twice a week to begin with, and now as much as possible, and talk usually for more than an hour, often more actually, about 2 hours when we can, without a problem. The conversation is so free and easy, and full of laughter. We make each other laugh so much, mainly with our alien accents and being stupid in Japanese. He is very thoughtful, sending me things in the mail as well, photos, letters, CDs and other favourite books, as I have for him as well. Overall, I think I have fallen for him, and I can't imagine not having him around anymore, it was hard enough at Christmas for a few days. And coming back to work was actually good as I knew we would be able to chat more easily online. The thing is, I feel so light and happy with him, I can't help but smile. And he says the same, he lights up when he thinks of me, or we chat. We both feel "in love" and so happy. Delirious. I can't tell anyone about it though. I just find it amazing that from everything to sex, art, food, lifestyle, we are thinking on the same wavelength, and often the same thing at the same time. The only negative thing is he is alergic to cats, andI have one. The problem is, I don't know how I should see this in light of my marriage which is not going well, hasn't been for a long time. I feel heavy when I think of my husband. Like I have a big weight on my shoulder, in my stomach and heart. But I also feel so guilty now, just as he is trying to make an effort to please me, I am almost resigned to it not working, at least I was. To him, I am making a big effort, to know I tried my best to make it work, but I can't imagine only being with him until I die. It would be terribly wasteful. I feel like my potential is so held back with him, this was before I met my lover. But since I met him, I feel so much more like I have so much to offer someone who will give it back to me, that I can't imagine not being able to experience that, even at the risk of it not working out. I have always felt held back. I thought it was Ok, that it wouldn't matter, I was "happy", in that it could be worse. It is as though I have the $100,000 prize, which isn't bad in itself, but when you think you could have the $1 million dollar or more, what should you do? Should you give it all up? Risk losing both? Right now, I feel willing to risk one for the big one, knowing full well the big one may not work out anyway. We both feel it is so right. my partner in the USA and I. I never thought I would say it, but I feel our meeting eventually in real life (probably in Australia as he will come here first) will be a formality, since we have been intimate in every way possible otherwise. Should this meeting be a concern? How should I view having met this wonderful person that I thought couldn't possibly exist in the context of my marriage possibly or being at the point of ending, just when my husband begins to try again? I am giving him every opportunity to show me how we will be from now on, but it just isn't working, and it'sterrible when I feel so completely delirious with the person I have met online. I haven't given up on my husband, and I am still trying for appearances sake, but I just don't have the desire. I don't feel anything when we have sex (I never did though) and I don't connect with him, so I wonder if I should keep trying or not. I know it will hutrt him so much and he will beg me not to leave, as this has happened in the past when we broke up, but I think I will have to endure it in future. Please I need some very clear and insightful advice here about a whole range of issues. I know some of you are very good at this and I appreciate it very much. Thank you in advance. xxx

[gmp]

Yes thank you both so much for your words of advice. It makes sense and is pretty much unanimous. This is the same as what was said to me before as well. I just wish there was a way of doing it so not to hurt him and lose him as a friend. That's what holds me back more than anything else. How do you go about doing this "nicely"? Also, I have started giving signals about not wanting to commit to what's happening in the next year, but should I be dropping hints more strongly everyday? Should I stop telling him I love him, even though I still do as a friend, but not in the way that he wants? We do get along very well as friends and I can't imagine never being able to talk to him again, it makes me very sad. We would be much better friends than lovers I think. I can imagine that some time in the future we may be able to talk, but he always says he couldn't be friends with someone after he broke up with them. I do love him, and i think it will hurt me as much as him. We don't have kids, only pets. And I know that he would easily find another woman, being handsome and kind and smart with a good job, and I can even see how that will help him grow and be good for him. I just don't want to lose his friendship, but I think it is inevitable. Any words on this will be appreciated. Thank you again. Trying to stay

You should leave your husband and not even try to work it out any more. Your posting has a lot of contradictory emotions in it: You are happy he is trying but you don't really connect and don't really want it to work out. Your heart is elsewhere and it is not fair to you or to your husband to have a relationship behind his back. Setting him free will also allow him to hook up with someone who really is more suited to him. I have left some wonderful men who were devastated at the time but eventually went on to meet women who really were much more suited to them than I was and who adore them! Everyone deserves the the chance to be with someone who really, really loves them and is not just lukewarm. So sticking with your husband because you don't want to hurt him is actually more hurtful to him. Being in a false relationship is not kind to anyone.

[Deejette]

The song, "Breaking up Is Hard to Do," is right. It is going to hurt, no matter what. Even if you do it as "nicely" as you can possibly try, by telling him how much you love him, want to be his friend, etc.

 

It is breaking, like breaking a leg. It hurts and it takes time to heal. You can try to deny it, sugar-coat it, and try to assuage your own sense of guilt. But the pain for both of you will be there and only time and processing it will heal it.

 

It hurts to be dumped and it hurts to be the dumper (if you have a heart and sensitivity and are not just a player). People try to mask the pain with drugs, alcohol, and other escapes. But staying in a so-so relationship is pain of a different sort and time does not heal that.

 

It would be nice if I could tell you that there are pleasant ways of dealing with this situation, but I haven't discovered it yet. Clean breaks are the best because they allow for faster healing (like a cleanly broken leg instead of a splintered one).

 

But the up-side is that you are clearing the way for a more authentic life for yourself and your husband and you are experiencing love that meets your needs.

Yes thank you both so much for your words of advice. It makes sense and is pretty much unanimous. This is the same as what was said to me before as well. I just wish there was a way of doing it so not to hurt him and lose him as a friend. That's what holds me back more than anything else. How do you go about doing this "nicely"? Also, I have started giving signals about not wanting to commit to what's happening in the next year, but should I be dropping hints more strongly everyday? Should I stop telling him I love him, even though I still do as a friend, but not in the way that he wants? We do get along very well as friends and I can't imagine never being able to talk to him again, it makes me very sad. We would be much better friends than lovers I think. I can imagine that some time in the future we may be able to talk, but he always says he couldn't be friends with someone after he broke up with them. I do love him, and i think it will hurt me as much as him. We don't have kids, only pets. And I know that he would easily find another woman, being handsome and kind and smart with a good job, and I can even see how that will help him grow and be good for him. I just don't want to lose his friendship, but I think it is inevitable. Any words on this will be appreciated. Thank you again. Trying to stay

[gmp]

Thank you so much for this helpful information. Now all I habve to do is stop procrastinating. I really appreciate it. Thabks again!

The song, "Breaking up Is Hard to Do," is right. It is going to hurt, no matter what. Even if you do it as "nicely" as you can possibly try, by telling him how much you love him, want to be his friend, etc. It is breaking, like breaking a leg. It hurts and it takes time to heal. You can try to deny it, sugar-coat it, and try to assuage your own sense of guilt. But the pain for both of you will be there and only time and processing it will heal it. It hurts to be dumped and it hurts to be the dumper (if you have a heart and sensitivity and are not just a player). People try to mask the pain with drugs, alcohol, and other escapes. But staying in a so-so relationship is pain of a different sort and time does not heal that.

 

It would be nice if I could tell you that there are pleasant ways of dealing with this situation, but I haven't discovered it yet. Clean breaks are the best because they allow for faster healing (like a cleanly broken leg instead of a splintered one). But the up-side is that you are clearing the way for a more authentic life for yourself and your husband and you are experiencing love that meets your needs.