It's not over x

[Helen A]

Thanks for clarifying about the relationship. When I read your very first post on your first thread it sounded like it was a bit of general chat via text that turned into flirting then escalated into sexting pics etc. I just don't want you to fall into the trap of thinking that labelling it as an emotional affair makes it seem anything more than it really is.

 

Calc mag looking back I think that's exactly what it was despite how much we would talk. It was nothing

[Calcmag]

Thanks for clarifying about the relationship. When I read your very first post on your first thread it sounded like it was a bit of general chat via text that turned into flirting then escalated into sexting pics etc. I just don't want you to fall into the trap of thinking that labelling it as an emotional affair makes it seem anything more than it really is.

 

Calc mag looking back I think that's exactly what it was despite how much we would talk. It was nothing

 

It sounds to me like he's fancied you for a while - I mean purely physical - and he's taken advantage of your existing friendship. It doesn't mean he has deep feelings for you. And even if he did, you're both married anyway. Does he have kids too?

 

Also wanted to add, I said about not telling any of your friends because you need to keep this a secret forever if you're going to stay married.

The other option to avoid having to keep a secret, which was suggested to you many times before, is to come clean and tell your husband. If you were to do that, you definitely want to make sure that none of your friends know, because that's even more humiliating for him.

 

I think it would help you to read all your previous threads.

[Helen A]

No I don't think he has deep feelings for me. I don't think he has any.

 

But I think all along I've been kidding myself he has....

[Calcmag]

No I don't think he has deep feelings for me. I don't think he has any.

 

But I think all along I've been kidding myself he has....

 

I do too. And I think you keep asking why he keeps pulling away then coming back because you think he's trying to fight some imaginary feelings he's got. I really don't think that's the reason he does it.

 

I think you said you love your husband . Do you want to stay married?

[Helen A]

What do you think are the reasons he does it?

 

Yes I 100% want to stay married. Had our ups and downs but I want us to be together.

[ComingInHot]

betsy betsy betsy... ((sigh....))

All of this happened because, as you said, You wanted it.

Well, now you've gotten it. and I think there's going to be more that you're going to get that you aren't even expecting.

Some of it you'll be "over the moon" to get.

Most though, of what you may get will destroy you, your H, your M, MM's Wife and his M.

but it appears, as you wrote, You Wanted it. ENJOY*

 

thought, you asked how someone can have sex with then go silent? stroll through Any high school or college campus and many of the young and immature folks will tell you... "I wanted it"

[Calcmag]

What do you think are the reasons he does it?

 

Yes I 100% want to stay married. Had our ups and downs but I want us to be together.

 

He does it because it works to get you hooked. You think he's pulled away or gone for good, you feel down and annoyed with him. Then he unexpectedly comes back and you feel elated and almost like you've won him back.

It's what gives you the feeling of being on a rollercoaster and it feeds the addictive feelings - the intense highs and lows - that go on in an affair.

 

Or perhaps he isn't that manipulative and he does it simply because he's not that invested, so he pulls away. Then he thinks about having sex with you, and comes back.

 

Who was the first person to suggest sending hot pics to one another? Did he ask you or did you just send them? The moment that happened, he knew sex with you was absolutely on the cards at some point down the line.

[Helen A]

Thinking back it was him who suggested it.

 

I said no at first. I will NEVER do them again god knows what he's done with them

[Calcmag]

Thinking back it was him who suggested it.

 

I said no at first. I will NEVER do them again god knows what he's done with them

 

And after you sent him those pics - he asked about booking a hotel room for the two of you, right? Had you two kissed at this point or had there been no physical contact like that up till then?

I'm asking all these questions in the hope that you'll start to look at this and see it for what it is...

[Helen A]

And after you sent him those pics - he asked about booking a hotel room for the two of you, right? Had you two kissed at this point or had there been no physical contact like that up till then?

I'm asking all these questions in the hope that you'll start to look at this and see it for what it is...

 

Yes he suggested that I said no. He said about that last week in the BBQ too I said no. No PC until one kiss three weeks ago and then last Sunday.

[Helen A]

I can only answer this from my OWN experience, from how it was at the beginning of my PA.

He didn't contact me after the first time we had sex because to him it was just sex. There was nothing to say.

He DID contact me - at work a few days later in person - to arrange the next sex date. That's all it was to him at that point. A bit of fun and nothing more. He had no reason to talk to me about anything else.

 

I think it's possible that the MOM in your case is minimising it so that YOU don't make it into a big deal. It wasnt a big deal for him and he wants you to realise that.

 

Can you explain a bit more what you mean by 'pretending it didnt' happen' ?

 

 

If you knew he felt that it was just sex and there was nothing to say were you ok with that?

[Calcmag]

If you knew he felt that it was just sex and there was nothing to say were you ok with that?

 

I was ok with it being just sex at that point, because that's all I wanted as well . But I wasn't really ok with him not texting or something the day after. I'd been married nearly 20 years at that point, had been totally faithful - never even kissed anyone else in all that time. So for me it was a huge step to sleep with someone else. I kind of just expected some contact the next day. It didn't happen and I realised thats the way it is when its just a fun thing.

[Calcmag]

Yes he suggested that I said no. He said about that last week in the BBQ too I said no. No PC until one kiss three weeks ago and then last Sunday.

 

 

He asked for sexy pics from you before there had ever been any physical contact between you! Let's put it in context. You, your husband, him and his wife are friends and have been for over a decade.

Him asking you for pics was totally out of order. And when you sent them, to him that was a green light and he knew you were up for sex if he just bided his time for a bit.

What was going through your head when you sent them?

How do you think your husband would feel if he knew about those pics? And OM's wife, your friend. How would she feel?

[Helen A]

He asked for sexy pics from you before there had ever been any physical contact between you! Let's put it in context. You, your husband, him and his wife are friends and have been for over a decade.

Him asking you for pics was totally out of order. And when you sent them, to him that was a green light and he knew you were up for sex if he just bided his time for a bit.

What was going through your head when you sent them?

How do you think your husband would feel if he knew about those pics? And OM's wife, your friend. How would she feel?

 

 

I don't know what the hell was going through my head. I think they'd both be absolutely devastated.

Do you think it was strange asking for them straight off? Looking at it now it is really

[2sunny]

I think it's concerning when any man has pictures that could potentially be uploaded anywhere on the Internet. Or even forwarded and shown to anyone he chooses!

[anne1707]

Betsy

 

You need to stop focussing on what the MOM thinks/feels etc and start focussing on your marriage.

 

Your marriage does have problems no matter how much you protest. You have already said in other threads that you have very little time together as a couple and that he does not give you the type of attention you need. There are also probably things that you are not doing for him that he needs. This is what you need to work on.

 

 

 

 

 

Side notes:

 

Have you blocked her yet?

 

And have you thought any more about what kind of absolutely pathetic and totally non-believable excuse you will give your H for ending the friendship with this couple?

 

Have you read any of the threads on Infidelity and will you start posting there? If your intent is on saving your marriage, you will post there. If you are wanting to go on and on and on about the MOM you will post here.

[Helen A]

Betsy

 

You need to stop focussing on what the MOM thinks/feels etc and start focussing on your marriage.

 

Your marriage does have problems no matter how much you protest. You have already said in other threads that you have very little time together as a couple and that he does not give you the type of attention you need. There are also probably things that you are not doing for him that he needs. This is what you need to work on.

 

 

 

 

 

Side notes:

 

Have you blocked her yet?

 

And have you thought any more about what kind of absolutely pathetic and totally non-believable excuse you will give your H for ending the friendship with this couple?

 

Have you read any of the threads on Infidelity and will you start posting there? If your intent is on saving your marriage, you will post there. If you are wanting to go on and on and on about the MOM you will post here.

 

No I haven't thought about what to say about that yet, but itl be a while before anything else gets arranged so I will have time to work on it.

 

Yes I've read the threads not really sure if I should do anymore posting on here now.

 

Yes I know I need to appreciate what I've got before I lose it completely.

[anne1707]

Actually no you have not got time to work on an excuse. Think about this logically Betsy. If there is going to be a non-affair reason for completely ending all contact with this coulple who you regularly socialise with then it is going have to be a very big reason. If it is a "big" reason and it takes weeks for you to tell your H then he will wonder why on earth did it take you so long to tell him. It will just seem very odd and plain suspicious. It will look like the cover-up that it is. To be honest, now that you and MOM have had sex, I really do not see any way out of this than telling your H.

 

As for where you should post..... if you want to dwell on MOM then continue posting in this forum. But if you want to work on your marriage (which means a hell of a lot more than just appreciating what you have), then post in Infidelity. You will get a real insight into the damage you have caused and what you need to do to stand even a chance of saving your marriage. You do realise that your husband is already feeling the pain from your affair, don't you? He will be trying to figure out what is wrong with Betsy, she is so moody, quiet, irritable, etc at the moment. He will be wondering what he has done to upset and hurt you.

[Calcmag]

Actually no you have not got time to work on an excuse. Think about this logically Betsy. If there is going to be a non-affair reason for completely ending all contact with this coulple who you regularly socialise with then it is going have to be a very big reason. If it is a "big" reason and it takes weeks for you to tell your H then he will wonder why on earth did it take you so long to tell him. It will just seem very odd and plain suspicious. It will look like the cover-up that it is. To be honest, now that you and MOM have had sex, I really do not see any way out of this than telling your H.

 

As for where you should post..... if you want to dwell on MOM then continue posting in this forum. But if you want to work on your marriage (which means a hell of a lot more than just appreciating what you have), then post in Infidelity. You will get a real insight into the damage you have caused and what you need to do to stand even a chance of saving your marriage. You do realise that your husband is already feeling the pain from your affair, don't you? He will be trying to figure out what is wrong with Betsy, she is so moody, quiet, irritable, etc at the moment. He will be wondering what he has done to upset and hurt you.

 

 

Great post Anne.

 

Betsy, please, please listen to Anne. She's had an affair and worked on her marriage. I had an affair but both me and exMOM ended up getting divorced, so I don't have actual hands on experience of rebuilding a marriage after.

 

Don't stop posting at LS, you do need help and you need to hear from people who've been there. Move over to the Infidelity board and get the help you need for your marriage.

[Calcmag]

I think it's concerning when any man has pictures that could potentially be uploaded anywhere on the Internet. Or even forwarded and shown to anyone he chooses!

 

 

Especially when that man has pictures of a woman who is married to another man who is his friend!

[Helen A]

Especially when that man has pictures of a woman who is married to another man who is his friend!

 

 

I'm sure he has deleted them. He wouldn't risk keeping them on his phone.

He wouldn't want to be caught

[anne1707]

This is the problem you now face Betsy. Just as your H could find out about your affair, the MOM's wife could also find out. There is a real chance of this happening. Your H finding out like this will be far more damaging than if you actually told him the truth for once.

[Calcmag]

I'm sure he has deleted them. He wouldn't risk keeping them on his phone.

He wouldn't want to be caught

 

IMO, that's very naive thinking, and I find a lot of what you say here to be naive, which convinces me that you're going to get caught at some point. As you've firmly said there's no way you'll tell your husband and your friend, I'm assuming you don't want to get caught.

 

There are ways and means of hiding things when you're having an affair. If I was having an affair now I certainly wouldn't keep pics/texts/mail or anything on my iPhone, for example. iPhones are the easiest phones to lead to getting caught. But just because I didn't keep them on my actual phone, I'd have plenty of options of where I could keep them instead.

I conducted an affair that went for several years while I was married, neither me nor MOM got caught. It wasn't his first time cheating, and his BW had never been suspicious. Nor was my exH.

 

Maybe this guy did delete them, but you can never assume that he's deleted them unless you actually saw him do it.

[anne1707]

To be honest, I would not be at all surprised if Betsy's husband or the MOM's wife don't already suspect. The way Betsy has described all these BBQs, I find it hard to believe that there would have been no extended eye contact, standing too close together, etc stuff going on. So when Betsy tells her husband no more BBQs, that could be the final piece of the puzzle for a suspicious spouse.

[Calcmag]

To be honest, I would not be at all surprised if Betsy's husband or the MOM's wife don't already suspect. The way Betsy has described all these BBQs, I find it hard to believe that there would have been no extended eye contact, standing too close together, etc stuff going on. So when Betsy tells her husband no more BBQs, that could be the final piece of the puzzle for a suspicious spouse.

 

It wouldn't surprise me either. Betsy's H will have noticed a change in her behaviour - even my H who didn't really know I existed, noticed that I was 'different' during my A but didn't realise why.

MOM's wife is more likely, IME, to pick up on body language signals that they're both unwittingly giving off when they're together.

 

It's relatively easy to conduct an affair undiscovered for quite some time if there's anonymity and distance between the APs and the spouses, if both AP's can compartmentalise well, if both are equally careful about limiting contact etc. But in this scenario I really cannot imagine that the affair will go undiscovered for very long. And the storm and fallout from it are going to be horrendous for all of them.