It's not over x

[Helen A]

My posts are real I'm not making anything up.

 

Everybody it's Friday now and this happened Sunday. I'm sitting on the sofa looking on Facebook at photos of him and his wife in the holiday inn with all their family and I feel sick and like sobbing my heart out again for what I've done to my husband. I also feel really sick that had I not text him he wouldn't have even bothered to send me a poxy message afterwards.

 

I feel sick that I've been in this ridicolous fantasy with some idiot who has treated me like **** .....

 

I dunno why I've posted here really I guess to talk to people who may know where I'm coming from.

[AutumnMoon]

I didnt learn my lesson. I can't get over this obsessive crush I've got.

Went to another BBQ and got leglessly drunk and we ended up having sex.

Fast forward to afterwards, he can't even be bothered to get in touch to even say anything about what happened, making me feel like ****. I am **** I know that.

 

None of us want to leave our lives I don't even like the way he is, it's like some sort of obsession.

 

It has to completely stop.

 

I'm up early I can't sleep I'm looking at my hubby and I feel sick.

 

 

 

Has anyone been in this situation?

 

 

It's very similar to drug addiction. And yes. I am living this situation.

[Helen A]

It's very similar to drug addiction. And yes. I am living this situation.

 

Autumn Moon what are you going to do?

[anne1707]

I dunno why I've posted here really I guess to talk to people who may know where I'm coming from.

 

And people who do know where you are coming from (like me because I have been there, done that) have been responding. You just haven't listened to us yet.

 

By the way, looking at his/her FB is not NC.

[Helen A]

Came up on the newsfeed Anne. His wife's .

I've blocked him on mine after the last time.

I am taking the advice - I'm 100% staying away from them ( though I haven't figured out how yet)

 

I'm still upset about Sunday tho and it's all still on my mind x

[anne1707]

You have to block her too. Its NC with both of them.

 

Have you thought about what you are going to do? NC is not enough when you are in as deep as you are.

[Helen A]

I wanted to do this though its my own fault.

Why after the last time?

[anne1707]

Betsy

 

You need to stop thinking and start doing. What are you going to DO?

[Helen A]

Absolutely no contact whatsoever.

 

Also Anne I'd love a break now from thinking about him/ any of this.

Itl be lovely.

[anne1707]

Answer my questions Betsy. What are you going to do?

 

How are you going to explain to your H that you never want see this couple again?

Are you going to do IC? Or MC?

Have you got/will you get that book I recommended?

What are you doing to save your marriage?

 

Just doing NC is not enough.

[AutumnMoon]

Autumn Moon what are you going to do?

 

Horrible or not I don't plan on ending it. Just in focusing on myself and my family as much as I can and enjoy our secret moments when I can. I could over think every single thing he does and more often 'doesn't' say because he goes silent lots too.. I decided I can't over think it.. He has his own life.. THAT is why he doesn't text or contact at appropriate times and why they go cold sometimes.. Seperate it, it's not a real relationship, the rules are not the same. It will hurt like hell if you let it, don't let it.

 

Truth is.. He is looking at what you've done and said not looking at the giant picture in your head you've imagined .. Trust me I've been there. I don't have the will or strength to end it.. So I have to remind myself.. This is what is it is.. It's not a fairy tale and it was never meant to be.

 

I understand your feelings and confusion for sure.

[LimeBlue]

I also feel really sick that had I not text him he wouldn't have even bothered to send me a poxy message afterwards.

 

Add to this mix an STD which he may have given you, and then how will you feel? Please get tested.

[Calcmag]

Absolutely no contact whatsoever.

 

Also Anne I'd love a break now from thinking about him/ any of this.

Itl be lovely.

 

So stop thinking about him!

When I ended it with my AP I just told myself, really loud 'STOP!' whenever I started to get those obsessive thoughts about him. In my mind's eye I'd see a big red stop sign. And I thought about something else instead.

I realised that actually, me sitting around obsessing and thinking about him was all rather self indulgent. So I made myself stop it.

 

I'm very concerned about how out of control you seem to be.

Please answer the questions that Anne is asking you.

 

Also, please be fully aware that MOM knows very well that you will come running next time he snaps his fingers. And he WILL continue to treat you like this because you're reinforcing his behaviour. You're showing him that what he's done so far works fine to get sex with you.

[Helen A]

Answer my questions Betsy. What are you going to do?

 

How are you going to explain to your H that you never want see this couple again?

Are you going to do IC? Or MC?

Have you got/will you get that book I recommended?

What are you doing to save your marriage?

 

Just doing NC is not enough.

 

Hi. I have no idea how I'm going to explain not going out with them to my husband any ideas? I will actually get the book and in going into town by myself on Tuesday il have a look about. I'd like IC.

My marriage is actually ok I'm not sure how to answer that one ?

[Helen A]

So stop thinking about him!

When I ended it with my AP I just told myself, really loud 'STOP!' whenever I started to get those obsessive thoughts about him. In my mind's eye I'd see a big red stop sign. And I thought about something else instead.

I realised that actually, me sitting around obsessing and thinking about him was all rather self indulgent. So I made myself stop it.

 

I'm very concerned about how out of control you seem to be.

Please answer the questions that Anne is asking you.

 

Also, please be fully aware that MOM knows very well that you will come running next time he snaps his fingers. And he WILL continue to treat you like this because you're reinforcing his behaviour. You're showing him that what he's done so far works fine to get sex with you.

 

 

That sounds awful doesn't it? But that's exactly what I have done.

I won't be running anywhere next time I won't be texting him again.

I'm not sure how he's going to play this again but I'm just not replying. And I can't believe what he's done this time.

[Helen A]

Horrible or not I don't plan on ending it. Just in focusing on myself and my family as much as I can and enjoy our secret moments when I can. I could over think every single thing he does and more often 'doesn't' say because he goes silent lots too.. I decided I can't over think it.. He has his own life.. THAT is why he doesn't text or contact at appropriate times and why they go cold sometimes.. Seperate it, it's not a real relationship, the rules are not the same. It will hurt like hell if you let it, don't let it.

 

Truth is.. He is looking at what you've done and said not looking at the giant picture in your head you've imagined .. Trust me I've been there. I don't have the will or strength to end it.. So I have to remind myself.. This is what is it is.. It's not a fairy tale and it was never meant to be.

 

I understand your feelings and confusion for sure.

 

 

Autumn, sorry to say this but no that's not why they go quiet, they do so because they're playing you and they can do as they want as long as you let them. A nice person wouldn't go quiet/ ignore you whatever.

If it's not meant to be, let it go. I've done a load of thinking again this week and oh my god what am idiot I am. I HAVE my nice man and my life I do not need to put up with this disgusting behaviour and SCrAPS when it suits - he's not even a nice person. I'm disgusted with myself that at my age I've fallen for this bull****.

Goodbye and I'm not even looking behind as I run away this time.

[Calcmag]

 

I won't be running anywhere next time I won't be texting him again.

 

 

 

You actually said the same thing on your last thread....and look how things have escalated since then.

 

So what's changed now, this time, that will make you stay NC?

[Helen A]

Calcmag, because I can see through him. He's a user and this doesn't affect him at all, and I believe it doesn't he can sit there and not be bothered by it.

Whereas I can't it's really affected me and I've cried more than enough times now I'm done with it. Why do I want to bother with someone who doesn't care who they hurt? Because I don't want to end up caught and ruining my life.

Because I don't want to be in an EA or a PA anymore.

Because Im worth more than this.

[whichwayisup]

Absolutely no contact whatsoever.

 

Also Anne I'd love a break now from thinking about him/ any of this.

Itl be lovely.

 

Then make yourself stop thinking and obsessing about it. Put it out of your head, even if it is hard to do. distraction is the best and keeping busy. Eventually you'll get out of the habit of thinking of it all the time, it'll happen naturally. Be tough on yourself and make yourself accountable to your thought process.

 

Calcmag, because I can see through him. He's a user and this doesn't affect him at all, and I believe it doesn't he can sit there and not be bothered by it.

Whereas I can't it's really affected me and I've cried more than enough times now I'm done with it. Why do I want to bother with someone who doesn't care who they hurt? Because I don't want to end up caught and ruining my life.

Because I don't want to be in an EA or a PA anymore.

Because Im worth more than this.

 

Yes you ARE worth more than this.

 

Just think about HOW much time you've wasted thinking and wondering/anaylizing about him!! No more! He Is NOT worth it!! He doesn't spend half as much time, if any, thinking of you and wondering, so STOP wondering about him. Just do it! As the Nike ad says!

[Helen A]

Can I just ask how can you have sex with someone and them not want to say anything to them about it/ pretend it didnt happen?

[Calcmag]

Can I just ask how can you have sex with someone and them not want to say anything to them about it/ pretend it didnt happen?

 

I can only answer this from my OWN experience, from how it was at the beginning of my PA.

He didn't contact me after the first time we had sex because to him it was just sex. There was nothing to say.

He DID contact me - at work a few days later in person - to arrange the next sex date. That's all it was to him at that point. A bit of fun and nothing more. He had no reason to talk to me about anything else.

 

I think it's possible that the MOM in your case is minimising it so that YOU don't make it into a big deal. It wasnt a big deal for him and he wants you to realise that.

 

Can you explain a bit more what you mean by 'pretending it didnt' happen' ?

[Helen A]

We've only kissed once and then this last week but before that it was an EA.

 

After anything he always comes up with the lets be good and it can't happen agen when on the two occasions it was his idea.

 

He then goes quiet and gets back in touch agen at some point.

 

I don't want to hear from him again.

[Calcmag]

We've only kissed once and then this last week but before that it was an EA.

 

After anything he always comes up with the lets be good and it can't happen agen when on the two occasions it was his idea.

 

He then goes quiet and gets back in touch agen at some point.

 

I don't want to hear from him again.

 

You're labelling it as an EA - why are you giving it that label? How close were you two before? Talking daily about deep and meaningful things? That's not the impression I've got so far from your posts but perhaps I've misunderstood. It seems to me more like you've been texting and talking on twitter, fairly trivial stuff. more like a bit of banter?

 

He goes quiet and gets back in touch for two reasons 1) it's called push/pull and it's highly manipulative behaviour and 2) because you allow him to.

 

I'm really not hearing anything different from you on this thread than all the others.

[Helen A]

Oh at first we'd talk all day we were quite close in the beginning.

 

Oh I know I seem to be saying the same things just nice to hear what people say. I'm definitely ending it now though. I'm just talking on here as I've spoken to nobody about it maybe ill talk to one of my close friends may be better.

[Calcmag]

Oh at first we'd talk all day we were quite close in the beginning.

 

Oh I know I seem to be saying the same things just nice to hear what people say. I'm definitely ending it now though. I'm just talking on here as I've spoken to nobody about it maybe ill talk to one of my close friends may be better.

 

Thanks for clarifying about the relationship. When I read your very first post on your first thread it sounded like it was a bit of general chat via text that turned into flirting then escalated into sexting pics etc. I just don't want you to fall into the trap of thinking that labelling it as an emotional affair makes it seem anything more than it really is.

 

When I say you're sayign the same things, I mean I'm not hearing any concrete stuff from you with regard to going total NC, or about getting some counselling for yourself, or how you're working on getting rid of the feelings you have for him etc.

 

I wouldn't recommend you to talk to anyone in RL about it. That's usually a big mistake. I've BTDT. It puts your friend in a horrible position and even though you may fully trust your friend NOW not to EVER say anything to out you, life can and does change. This is a secret you are going to have to keep forever, if you want to stay married, and it's hard to put that on a friend who also knows your husband.

 

I think most of us here are struggling to know what to say to you. We've shared about our own affair experiences, we've made suggestions and tried to give advice. It's hard to know what to say to you.