Mrbungle Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Hi all I've been a long time lurker on here searching for answers...well here goes.. My wife is going through a full blown MLC...I can't believe Ive let this sneak up on me....I don't consider myself a bad husband but I've had my moments..mainly shouting etc...no abuse etc...I've worked hard to provide for my wife and 3 brilliant kids...but I noticed over the last 18months plus my wife has withdrawn from me emotionally and physically...I've pushed for intermacy since the birth of my youngest(6) to the point I now feel I'm a perv for asking...I'm down to twice this year!...and then it's a get on with it we are not teenagers and that makes me sad...this loving passionate women I adore just doesn't want me in that way...I've tried to help out round the home to the point I do most of the housework and maintenance while working between 36-80hrs a week and I also let her have as much chill out time in the house as I can give her in the hope she would be too tired/headache etc..my wife has stayed at home since the birth of our second child and has dipped in and out of work...now the biggy is shes always on the computer...Facebook etc...and has a new circle of friends from gig forums men and women which at first didn't concern me but she's planning assorts with her new friends...did I mention she now blocked me on FB ffs!...she's also started dressing up more and losing weight...she looks fantastic BTW...I've also seen her web searches...anything from leaving my H,not wanting sex with my H, I'm in a unhappy M....all of this is killing me as she won't talk to me and says everything's fine....I'm now at the point of just setting her free but I know that would be a disaster for her and my kids...I won't see them penniless but I'm not going to fund her single life...any advice please!...Ive tried 180 but she's happy sat there telling me to snap out of it...also I don't want this to upset the kids....dunno what to do .... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I don't consider myself a bad husband but I've had my moments..mainly shouting etc...no abuse etc... I wonder what this part looks like from her end? If she was posting here, how would she describe your conduct and treatment of her ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 OP, you need to understand that "raising your voice" to a woman is considered abuse by many. Just FYI. I don't agree with this, especially if the man's raised voice is warranted, but most people see otherwise especially in modern America and on these forums. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrbungle Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 Ok I take that onboard...so I suppose I'm occasionally abusive but only when I don't get any feedback...I just get a your not my dad or a whatever which really bugs me....but I read something recently that stopped me..someone posted would you let someone speak to your wife like that, so why do you.i know I'm not perfect and I've done a lot of soul searching and also apologising for not being a good husband at times and not be there for her.i just feel she gone now and we are more like room mates Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Seems like she's wearing the pants in the family. Look. When she's no longer interested in sex (2 times in a year) and changing her whole lifestyle under your nose and telling you that everything is fine, she knows you have no intention of doing anything about it. Now you have two choices. Either let her have her way and it's already ripping the fabric of your marriage and let her continue and completely destroy it, or you man up and let her know that her behavior stinks to high heaven and either she starts acting like a wife or she can go bunk out with her new friends with all he possessions and don't come back. I promise you that if you did what she's doing, you would be sleeping in the back seat of your car. She wouldn't put up with it so why are you? Take control of your house and straighten he ass out now! Time is running out on your marriage clock. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery2Me Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Hello there! So sorry that you are suffering and confused. It seems to me she is depressed trying to determine if she is happy, and is self-medicating in a mix of both healthy(working out, enjoying personal interests) and unhealthy (secreative and going out). She seems left to her own devices and therefore may not be objective. Often when people are like this, she is transferring all fault to you. So even if you have the right answer and doing the right things (help w/house and kids), you are viewed as the problem causer. Ultimately you need another voice and quickly. I would insist on a couple's retreat (maybe chruch, therapy, with other couples to re-connect love type of enviornment), MC and IC to do the heavy lifting of identify the un-told issues. For you gotta do the 180 (hard I know), for both of your sakes. Prepares you and lets the Mrs. know that you are standing for your principles (marriage, love, family, and healthy self-identity)....but you will take NO MESS!!!! Otherwise, she will only continue to make it up in her head...and things will likely go down hill. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrbungle Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 Thanks for the advice...I have tried 180 but she quite happy not talking!!!....also I don't want my children to feel the bad vibes...we both go to church but she's now lost interest in that...I want her to reach out to her church family but I feel she won't talk to them as they also know me.. I have also sent her emails stating my love for her and I want to be there for her forever but she didn't reply...I sat her down to discuss and she said she wasn't ready to talk...that was about two months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Sex twice a year but she is still dressing sexy? I would caution you that there is likely some kind of affair going on here. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Thanks for the advice...I have tried 180 but she quite happy not talking!!!....also I don't want my children to feel the bad vibes...we both go to church but she's now lost interest in that...I want her to reach out to her church family but I feel she won't talk to them as they also know me.. I have also sent her emails stating my love for her and I want to be there for her forever but she didn't reply...I sat her down to discuss and she said she wasn't ready to talk...that was about two months ago. The 180 is alot more comprehensive that "not talking". I'm reprinting below, with some bolding of what I feel to be the more important points: Don't pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.No frequent phone calls.Don't point out "good points" in marriage.Don't follow her/him around the house.Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.Don't ask for reassurances.Don't buy or give gifts.Don't schedule dates together.Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!Don't be overly enthusiastic.Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Obviously, you can't force someone to stay in a relationship when/if they have already completely checked out and are planning their exit. As painful as it would be, I would file and present her with divorce papers. The shock itself could have her reeling into wanting to save her marriage and then you can get her to start fixing things, or you will know it is truly over if she accepts them and wants to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Obviously, you can't force someone to stay in a relationship when/if they have already completely checked out and are planning their exit. As painful as it would be, I would file and present her with divorce papers. The shock itself could have her reeling into wanting to save her marriage and then you can get her to start fixing things, or you will know it is truly over if she accepts them and wants to move on. I was guessing that you probably weren't ready to hear this, but I think Carrie is absolutely right. Her reaction will tell you volumes. BUT, of course you're not filing merely to get her attention, you're filing because you haven't had a marriage in a long time and you deserve better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jstub Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Why do you assume it is MLC? Are you trying to find excuses for her behavior? Are you in denial about things? The things you mention, describe a woman that has checked out of the marriage for a longgg time and is in the process of planning an exit? I cannot say I am 100% certain, but there can be an EA or PA going on behind the scenes. You mentioned she is on FB a lot... EA is very likely. Just don't be in denial, face the music. I agree with the previous poster. You need to shock her to wake her up and you need to wake up yourself if you want this. Serve her divorce papers. Don't threaten, words don't mean sh*t - you will know where you stand... good luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
hayewils Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 You need to read my thread My wife left And its killing me.. Your story on her behavior sounds pretty close to my ex before she left 6 months ago. Same here about yellng, im guilty as charged. Although it was always between me and my 18 yr old son.. Sounds to me she is up to something. I suspect my ex was into some kind of affair, emotional atleast. Keep your eyes open. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 If you do nothing else, you must talk to an attorney. You need to protect yourself if she is planning her exit. And learning how the process works may help you make a decision. Best to be informed when you aren't sure of the outcome. She may file and blindside you and then you find out she has been planning this for a while and you are screwed. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Thanks for the advice...I have tried 180 but she quite happy not talking!!!....also I don't want my children to feel the bad vibes...we both go to church but she's now lost interest in that...I want her to reach out to her church family but I feel she won't talk to them as they also know me.. I have also sent her emails stating my love for her and I want to be there for her forever but she didn't reply...I sat her down to discuss and she said she wasn't ready to talk...that was about two months ago. When you delete her access to any money and credit cards and tell her to move and file for divorce - she may actually realize you mean business. She's stayed home - when she enters the workforce in order to buy groceries and pay rent - she may appreciate your prior effort more. She acts like ---> she's cheating. So treat her as such. Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 I think for the 180 to work she needs to know you know first. So it's not that you don't want to be married/aren't in love, it's that you know she's detached and this is your response. Otherwise you are both 180ing each other and there's no chance of breaking it. If you read...ugh..I forget what book....but the last stage of conflict is often where you've both given up and gone icy...divorce happens soon after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrbungle Posted August 29, 2013 Author Share Posted August 29, 2013 Thanks all....I will go with the 180 stuff you highlighted gorilla in a way I'm already doing some of it...doing my on thing/fitness/focusing on my kids....I've stopped saying I love you as in the past I had to force her to reply I was going to have a clear the air talk this weekend but I reckon going on the 180 I need to put that on hold...I'm out this week with my best buddy...W has found out an I have said she can come if she wants, I know she will as she won't want me talking to my buddy about us! Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 You can't make her love you and you can't nice her into staying with you, you just need to be her best option. The 180 will help you detach from her so you don't look so clingy and needy, two very undesirable traits to her. It is not a way of controlling her, the 180 will help you look stronger which is desirable. It is obvious by your writing that she has checked out and is actively looking to date, she's looking for your replacement. Talk to a lawyer, you need to know your rights and what your worst case scenario looks like. Your the toy she doesn't play with anymore, but just wait until another little girl picks it up, she will push that little girl down and take her toy from her like it's her only toy. You need to be her best option and sometimes you need to be prepared to let her go to make that happen. She expects you to act in fear, don't act the way she expects you to, be confident and strong, control your voice and smile when you see her no matter how much it hurts on the inside. You will need to make it clear to her that as an adult she is free to do as she wishes, she can keep secrets from you and she can date other men if she wants, she just can't do it as your wife. You need to install a keylogger onto your computer, it will tell you where she is posting and what she is really up to. Do not finance her affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrbungle Posted August 29, 2013 Author Share Posted August 29, 2013 Thanks oscarsmom The problem I've got is WS has distanced herself from her church family Jstub..sorry never answered you...I've seen stuff shes posted saying she having a MLC..also she looks young and she said she may as well act like it...funny though I've been 180ing and she's now ringing me and asking how my days been...and wanting cuddles...dunno what the hells going on...I suspect she doesn't even know what she wants!!!...I'm just not prepared to carry on with a sexless marraige...I've had a think and it's been nearly 7 years since she wanted me...I've had to beg etc for a mercy s..g...and then It's not emotionally fulfilling for me and I suspect her too...the kids are away this weekend and I've already planned stuff without her..dunno if that's a wise move Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 the kids are away this weekend and I've already planned stuff without her..dunno if that's a wise move I think it absolutely is. It'll give her a taste of life without you. No need of course to be a jerk about it; calm, cool and collected all the way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrbungle Posted August 29, 2013 Author Share Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) Ooohhhh....just seen that she wants to go to a concert with one of her male friends....all very innocent in the posts but sorry ...NO you are not going out for a night with him....standby!....he is the one I suspect a possible EA could happen with. I'm expecting a real big pork pie for this one...should be amusing Edited August 29, 2013 by Mrbungle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 It's no MLC - it's her affair - treat it as such. Why haven't you kicked her out? IF she CHOOSES to go to that event with her other guy- pack her bag - put it on the curb - and have the locks changed. Make a call to a locksmith so you can call them after hours in case you need this done while she's out at her concert. Either way - the M is over- she's not invested IN the M - she's invested in RUINING IT. Treat her as such. I'd move money now - and close credit cards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrbungle Posted August 29, 2013 Author Share Posted August 29, 2013 Thanks sunny...it doesn't feel like an affair TBH...maybe thats me in denial..this is all on FB chat so its direct contact..but I'm gonna give her some more rope...I'm gonna end up the bas4ard in all of this...I feel I've now got nothing to lose...OM has a very good sob story it's a real one but it seems the ladies buy into it...I wouldn't mind he's older and not open casket meterial...he obviously says what my W wants to hear...what a lemon she being....I don't feel guilty now doing things for ME....I've invested everything in her and my kids....not anymore for her...got two kids birthdays coming up... The Christmas...then I'm going to drop the bomb....all should have been revealed by then...nevermind...Mrs Bungle the 2nd is out there somewhere lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrbungle Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 Hi all...I've had an absolute horrible day..Im on with the 180..it's really p1ssing W off...the kids were away today and she could t wait to get her excuse in as to why she had to go out...I went for a long run..cleared my mind and I had chance to talk to god...I then went to see a friend and also dropped by a family member... Told her whats going on as she kind of knows...I feel I'm going mad, I feel I'm being a **** doing this to the women I love so dearly...but then I think I've always given but never got a return on my investment ...we have slept apart for the last to evenings...TBH I was relived...I just look at her and think your beautiful on the outside but horrible on the inside...I can't even look at her now... So so confused but deep down and with a heavy heart I know she has left me inside and is just staying for the safety of the kids....I hate it so so sad Link to post Share on other sites
WreckedDan Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 She has already left my friend. She is doing exactly what my wife started doing. She knows it's over and she is just with you at this point until her new life is in place so she can transition easily. And yeah, she's on the market for another man. Sucks, I know but you can at least tell her it's over on your terms, or you can choose to hope this is a phase, which after this long, it's not. You have months of pain coming now. You can make the call to instigate or wait, the choice is yours My 2© Dan Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts