trying to figure it all out

[miamarie]

i've been seriously dating a man that i have know for over 5 years, but involved with romantically and sexually for 1.

 

i love him like i have no other in my life. im 42, divorced. he's 49 and divorced. no kids from either marriage.

 

he is the most caring and affectionate person i have ever known. we share the same interest, hobbies, humor and our sexually compatibility is over the top hot. we often have sex 3 times a day, and rarely skip a day without doing it once.

 

we both agree its the best sex of our lives and we've done many, many 'firsts' with each other.

 

he has been very open about his past. during his sexless marriage to a woman who was cold and uncaring, he admitted to several sex on the side occurrences while traveling. he also went to strip clubs with a friend who also worked and traveled with him.

 

i told him about my concerns of strip clubs. i had a long term relationship with someone who went to strip clubs often. i trusted him. he said nothing goes on. then i got an STD. he was having sex at the strip club. i left him. i was devastated.

 

so, knowing about my BFs past, i have always been a tad cautious about his travels. he has not done anything to me to make me not trust him, so i trust him. he tells me he has changed and that i am the love of his life and he would never do anything to mess that up.

 

when he is away we are in constant text or chat contact. he wants to say good night everything, text and chat all the time.

 

so, this past trip we were texting. he was out for dinner with his friend. then, all of sudden the texts stopped for several hours. this was odd. i went to bed, woke up in the early AM and saw no texts from him. i sent a few texts, but heard nothing.

 

that morning when i got up, i looked at my phone, and the read message

(iphones have that ability) said he read my messages at 2:37 AM.

 

my heart sank. because of my own insecurities, my mind went straight to, he was at a strip club. the long gap in texts - because you will get thrown out in a nano second for having your phone out in that type of club ) then checking messages so late. so sudden change in the way we communicate. something was off to me.

 

that morning we got on chat. he was extra lovey dovey to me. i admit i was a bit cold. he asked what was wrong and i said i didn't sleep well...which was true. he then said he was in bed by 10PM.

 

i knew something was off. but i am give the benefit of the doubt kind of person. i was hoping that he would say, i woke up late last night and saw your texts but didn't want to respond and wake you. but he didn't.

 

i was trying to keep it together. trying to not think the worst or make assumptions. i also did not want to get into something so sensitive over chat or text. i wanted to think about it more and wait for my emotions to settle before doing anything stupid like accuse him of something he didn't do.

 

i cried a lot that day. to me, there is nothing innocent about a strip club. paying another woman to sexually arouse you when you are in a committed relationship is disrespectful and hurtful to the other person, and more so, if your engaging in behavior that you have to hide, or lie about, the person doing the hiding knows its hurtful and not cool.

 

long story short, it eventually came out while he was still away that i saw he read my messages that night at 2:37 AM. he said he was in bed by 10PM and that you can't really see when messages are read. he then added that he woke up in the night and sent me a message, to try an explain why he saw them so late. but the thing is, he didn't send me a message.

 

so, its clear to me he is not being truthful. whether or not he went to a strip club of course, i don't know, but he was out very late doing something and strayed from our normal ways of communication in a hard way.

 

at this point, he knew something was wrong and began to tell me how much he loves me and how much hes changed since being with me and that he would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. he said he would not lie to me.

 

again, i could have just thrown out the evidence that he did not message me that night....but i just hate to do this over text and chat. i feel like i need to see his facial expressions. and i also want to give him the benefit of the doubt. i want to trust him. but my past experiences and his past behavior made it very difficult for me.

 

oh, and after i mentioned the read receipts, we were texting and he changed his to off. sent a few messages back and forth and i was about to say something, when he turned them back on. he was obviously testing it out.

 

im not sure what to do. do i bring it up again when he gets home? right now, i feel very hurt. to the point that im not sure i can be intimate with him. it would be a huge betrayal for me if he went to a strip club. i've given so much to him sexually. i am not a prude by any means. im rather a dirty girl. and i love nothing more than to please him. he says i am his ultimate mate and cant imagine his life without me....then why a strip club. why does he need the attention of other women? im obviously not doing something right and i just dont know what it is.

 

my now ex husband said all the time, i am so glad you're not like the wives of my other friends and co-workers. he would hear them complain all the time about their wives, and he was happy that he did not have those troubles with me. im very open and understanding. i love, love sex. i just don't understand whats wrong with me that my BF still feels the need to go pay for sexual arousal from strangers.

 

i just don't know what to do when he comes home next week.

 

sorry for the long rant, but sometimes just typing it out helps.

[miamarie]

crap! i forgot to add this:

 

the morning after the night out, he mentioned out of no where that he no longer wants to go to strip clubs. it was as if he was figuring something out because he was saying things like, i know that i have found everything i need in you, and you're the best thing that has ever happened to me...he said that his friend said he is 'whipped' because he doesn't even want to go to a titty bar.

 

part of me wanting to give the benefit of the doubt comes from this. because i thought, is it possible he was shamed into going by his friend because of the 'whipped' comment, then got there and started feeling guilty, and came to the conclusion that he really did not want or need this type of life style anymore?

[PegNosePete]

We don't have enough information to know whether he's cheating or not. The only "evidence" you have is that he stopped texting you when he went out with his buddy, and apparently read your message at 2:37am. Does that mean he is guilty as charged? I don't know. It certainly wouldn't be enough to convict in a court of law.

 

There are however, a few things we can see:

 

- You have no trust in him whatsoever. You're so paranoid from your past experiences and his old habits that you can't believe him and look for the slightest thing to jump to the conclusion that he is going to strip joints.

 

- I doubt this is the first time something similar has happened. Maybe he went out for a drink with his buddy, had a few too many, but did nothing wrong. Given your paranoia and automatic assumption of guilt without proper evidence, is it a surprise that he would try to hide that from you, even if nothing untoward happened?

 

- If his buddy is trying to get him to go to titty bars (calling him "whipped" when he declines) then it's time for him to find a new buddy.

[miamarie]

i can see that my rambling was not clear.

 

i did not say i think he cheated on me. i do not think he had sex with anyone else.

 

this was the first time i had a suspicion of what he may have or not been doing.

 

i've never ever once accused him of anything, flew off the handle ( so not me, i hate confrontation ).

 

i did not say he is guilty as charged. as a matter of fact, i have given him the benefit of the doubt and have not accused him of anything.

 

that said, i do appreciate your thoughts and will consider them.

[salparadise]

You are projecting the hurt of your past experience on him. All you know is that he didn't text after whatever time that one night when he was out to dinner, and that he read your text at 2:37.

 

Then you start going on and on about strip clubs. There is no reason to believe he was at a strip club, and even if there was that doesn't mean he was having sex with whores. You're going to mess up a good thing by trying to keep him on a short leash. I'll be honest, if I was in a relationship with someone who felt they had the right to tell me what I can and cannot do, and jumped to the conclusion that I was cheating or up to no good simply because I didn't text for a few hours, I'd be outta there. It's just not reasonable. I think you need to let it go.