What is the mentality of this girl?

[The Next Big Thing]

There is one girl I like a lot. We have known each other for almost 10 years as class mates. We are now both at universities. throughout all these years she made clear signs she likes me but I was too immature for a relationship. She recently broke up with her boyfriend. She was with him for 3 years. Maybe 3 weeks after that I sent her a message on FB asking, if she doesnt want to go out sometimes to talk a little bit. (she said in the past that we can go for a walk sometimes, that she would be glad to talk with me) .. when I sent that message, she responded after one week saying she came back from holidays right now but that the following week we could go out...so I replied, saying "How was your holidays? .. well you will tell me then. And when do you have time, cause I have time just ... bla bla" I told her when i have time. I waited one week, that was the week she said we can meet. I waited until the end of that week, and she stil didnt respond so I sent her a message saying "So when do you have time? So I know how to arrange the week." she hasnt responded to that neither...

It has been almost a month since then...can you please explain to me, what is her mentality? I completely do not understand her. At first she replies saying YES we can go out following week, then the whole week during which we were supposed to go out she doesnt sent any message, then when i ask her when she has time she doesnt respond. I dont get this.

Its true that the messages I sent her and she hasnt responded to them, they were not seen. So I dont know if she saw them and ignored them or just didnt see them. I dont see her even online, she is always on Fb just via her phone so she never appears online, but I see some activity from her once per week or once per 2 weeks, for example liking a picture of someone or something like that.

 

Please help me , whats going on, what should I do?

[mea_M]

Message her and ask her. Sometimes we need to be direct to get an answer.

 

Mea

[Heart of the Desert]

Perhaps if you were more asstertive. Rather than asking when she is free so you can plan your life around her availability, try something like "Hey I am going to go on a hike this wednesday, wanna join me?" This shows her that you have a life of your own that doesn't revolve around her. She is actualy getting the honor of being invited into your life. It also puts her in a position where if she is at all interested she must respond before the given date either agreeing or setting up another time that works better for her. If she doesn't respond or gives an excuse but doesn't offer a better time, she is probably not very interested (or interested enough to cut a guy with the courage to ask a bit of slack). If she responds with something wishy washy like "Oh this wednesday doesn't work but lets hang soon", just respond with something like "Right on, you know where to find me" (or don't respond at all) then drop the whole thing, go on with your life and don't expect to hear from her (though she may surprise you).

 

While I do like to give people the benifit of the doubt when they are flakey like this the truth is almost everytime it is because they are not interested for one reason or another. I used to always get hooked on girls who were just present enough for me to build some sort of hope on, but elusive enough to drive me crazy. I would pound my head against the wall (figuretively) for hours picking apart the details trying figure out if and when I would get a date with them. Asking "what is the mentality of this girl". I don't have the time or energy for these sorts of interactions anymore. It took being on the other end of things for me to realize my folly.

 

I believe that if someone is truly into you they will make the effort to hang out and keep communications balanced, or at least be reasonably responsive to your efforts. It may seem counter intuitive but I suggest letting her go. If she is into you she will make some effort. You have already made it very clear you are interested in hanging out, she knows where to find you if she wants to. If you see her around and feel the need to briefly engage her and maybe even flirt a little, thats fine. Just don't get invested in the interaction, have no attachment to the outcome, and keep things very brief.

Meanwhile focus on putting your self out there, meeting many different woman. Just learn to talk to all sorts of woman with no attachment to getting a date with them. Just strike up a conversation and see how they respond. Some woman will engage you and others will not. Learn to be sublty flirtatious. Get used to rejection. After being rejected countless times it doesn't get much easier, especialy when you really like the person, but you do learn to live with it in a way that doesn't shake you too much. You will start to be able to read more acurately when some one is into you or not. Since you now have options with many woman you get to pick woman who are willing to make some effort and don't always flake or leave you hanging.

No need to chase someone who is unresponsive. There are plenty of people out there who will actualy make plans in adavance and stick to them.

Edited September 1, 2013 by Heart of the Desert

[WordvAction]

Her mentality is she's probably not interested in you, and she probably didn't like you as "more than a friend" throughout all these years if she had a boyfriend. However, there is the chance that she's just been busy.

[paindusucre]

My hunch: she's not actually ready to date yet; emotionally unavailable and definitely not over her recently ended serious and long-term relationship. She may have thought she was initially but realized that she is not. She may just be trying to still work through the pain of the breakup. It's not cool that she hasn't responded to you to give you some indication what's going on, and it's rude that she made and broke plans with you, but she may just need a supportive friend right now since she's doubtless been hurt and may distrust that you want to take advantage of her emotional vulnerability (not that that was actually your intention obvs.). Or she may just want some time to herself, be busy with family affairs, etc.

Edited September 10, 2013 by paindusucre

[paindusucre]

I also like Heart of the Desert's suggestions about 1. being more assertive and direct and also 2. letting her alone for awhile and develop yourself, see other people, go out and see other friends, etc. If she gave you signals that she thought you were too immature in the past, show her your most gentlemanly/self-confident/mature side as much as possible. And if she doesn't appreciate that, move on to someone else.