Dumper, would like to find out how she is.

[NoMoreJerks]

Wanting to contact her is selfish. Look into yourself and see your desire to contact her for what it is: a selfish act to relieve your guilt and convince yourself that you really aren't the bad person that she probably thinks you are, for having led her on for so many years, only to discover "all of a sudden" that she is not "the one." I have no sympathy for you, to be quite honest. You made your bed, now go lie in it. But no , you don't want to face even the slightest discomfort that the breakup has caused you. You remind me of my ex, who, to this day, keeps contacting me, trying to justify various behaviors of his during our time together, etc. He claims he cares about me and didn't mean to hurt me, but he keeps messaging me and being passive aggressive and justifying his crappy behavior, because he feels guilty about it and knows what I think of him. Or is looking for attention and drama because he's bored/lonely. Leave her alone, if you really care about her. I suspect you care infinitely more about yourself than you care about her, so you will keep on contacting her until it gives you enough satisfaction that you're a good person.

[spiderowl]

Yes, I think you should contact her and ask her how she is. At the least, it will give her a chance to say something if she wishes. Do not put it across as 'perhaps we could get back together', just let her know you do care about her, even if you are both not right for each other.

 

I was dumped by a guy who had said lots of caring things to me. After we split, he went no contact completely. Even though I was terribly angry and hurt that he had dumped me, hurt more than I could have imagined, it felt worse that he went out of contact like that, as if I was suddenly blotted off the landscape. I felt that it was all lies and that he'd never meant anything he said (he obviously didn't care about me or he wouldn't have been able to just switch off like that). I felt he was doing it to punish me.

 

If he had got in contact, I might have said I wasn't interested in talking with him. I might have been angry with him for what he'd done, but either way I would have had a chance to say something and seen that he did care even though he wasn't in love with me. That would have made a difference I think.

[DresdenKing]

Wanting to contact her is selfish. Look into yourself and see your desire to contact her for what it is: a selfish act to relieve your guilt and convince yourself that you really aren't the bad person that she probably thinks you are, for having led her on for so many years, only to discover "all of a sudden" that she is not "the one." I have no sympathy for you, to be quite honest. You made your bed, now go lie in it. But no , you don't want to face even the slightest discomfort that the breakup has caused you. You remind me of my ex, who, to this day, keeps contacting me, trying to justify various behaviors of his during our time together, etc. He claims he cares about me and didn't mean to hurt me, but he keeps messaging me and being passive aggressive and justifying his crappy behavior, because he feels guilty about it and knows what I think of him. Or is looking for attention and drama because he's bored/lonely. Leave her alone, if you really care about her. I suspect you care infinitely more about yourself than you care about her, so you will keep on contacting her until it gives you enough satisfaction that you're a good person.

 

^ This.

 

Please go ease your guilt and concerns some other way, do NOT keep contacting her. You may perceive your intentions as pure because you might genuinely want to help her and make sure she's alright, but there are so many underlying complexities you obviously just don't even understand which will make it worse on her. You chose to leave and go NC, now STAY NC. You don't deserve to feel better about yourself, live with your decision.

 

If you said it's over and started walking away, keep walking and don't come back. It's too late, the damage is done and the bridge has been burnt. Let her heal now, don't keep yelling across from your side of the bridge.

 

I've been both dumper and dumpee in my life, and I can safely say dumpers are truly clueless and selfish... my recent ex dumped me saying she needed space, then SHE was the one who wouldn't stop trying to talk and get breadcrumbs. Just own up to the consequences of your actions and stop making it so difficult/confusing on the dumpee!! Yeesh.

[crazy1234]

2nd thread in this community.

Well, I ended an almost 5 year relationship last week. Its now 8 days since I've spoken to her, and she to me through any communication.

 

Main reason for me ending the relationship was it just didn't feel like she was 'the one' anymore (it did feel that way, but something changed and I'm not sure what). I had been thinking of it for a few months, wondering what I'm going to do about it when during a call, she asked me why I was so distant recently.

 

That was the firestarter, she'd noticed! I couldn't hide the fact that my feelings had changed anymore, we had a lengthy phone converstation right then and there about us. I obviously didn't want to potentially end the relationship over the phone, so agreed I would see her the next day. The idea was to talk about this problem, get it in the open.

 

I respect this girl 100%, I seriously didn't go there with the intention of ending it that night, but that is what happened. Once we got talking, I knew I had to end the relationship, I couldn't take another year or more of her life down a path I considered wrong at that point. I had already continued it for perhaps up to 6 months longer than it should. We hardly argued when we were together and this breakup was no exception, she did have a little bit of anger during it which is entirely understandable (I expected more).

 

She proposed we go on a break, I declined. I didn't feel it was fair to her to have false hope that we would get back together after the 'break'. How do we decide how long that would be? 1 week, 2 weeks, a month? what then? I'd feel presurised to have an answer and she'd be expecting things to resume. I believe breaks are not fair to either party. She did beg for a short while, but she knows me too well, she even said "I know I can't change your mind". She was right, she couldn't. I believe I was doing what was right and fair and most of all moral. To stop stringing somebody along!

 

This leads me to now, 8 days forward. I broke up the relationship with her and I'm still crying my eyes out. I haven't called or text her since as its not fair to her. This is where I stand, I love her still (I think she still loves me, at least she's shown me the most love from any partner I've ever had, how she feels after I hurt her the worst way a partner could, rejection, I do not know). My mind has not changed, at least not yet, in regards to the relationship, I still believe what I did had to be done.

 

However, I am full of regret. Still ponder where things went wrong. Still play stupid 'I'm sorry' 'mistake' songs purposely to make me upset. We didn't talk about how we would react in the coming weeks/months however it would take for us both to get over the situation.

 

I want to reach out to her, I don't want to appear as a cold calculating person to her, who ends a 5 year relationship then just drops off the radar without saying another word to her. That appears that I don't even love or care for her anymore, but I do. I'm emotional just writing this.

 

Do I text her to let her know that I haven't called her on purpose, so she can recover? or what? I dont know, I'm lost.

 

I'd love to be friends for a while again, but I also know that doesn't work. Please see that I just want to do whats right by her! I don't want her to hate me.

 

Forgive me

Dont call her or text her until and unless you for sure why you are doing so.It is loneliness thats getting to you?Is it your guilt?or is it that you miss her cause she became your habit?If u wanna call her for the above reasons than please don't hurt her any further cause your feelings changed.Take some time off to figure out what exactly it is that you want to do and than if you think you wont be hurting her with whatever you come up with,only than call her.

[Dolphono]

in short it was social media, not that that was the only reason mind, but because she was so engrossed in it, we didn't talk as much as I would like. I became disconnected from her, I hope you know what I mean by that.

 

I marvel how much women are engrossed in that crap. I have so much respect for you. I hope the regret of your moving on does not burden you for too much longer. Do her a great kindness and disappear, if she reaches out, by all means respond, but let her be.

 

Amazing, how the very thing that suppose to keep people "connected" is actually disconnecting them. Lmfao

 

Sadly, people just don't comprehend this "Technology" is a tool to monitor the user like a lab-rat. Even LS is an psychological intelligence gathering tool.

 

Cheers to a "SMARTER" world.

[MontyCarlo]

Wanting to contact her is selfish. Look into yourself and see your desire to contact her for what it is: a selfish act to relieve your guilt and convince yourself that you really aren't the bad person that she probably thinks you are, for having led her on for so many years, only to discover "all of a sudden" that she is not "the one." I have no sympathy for you, to be quite honest. You made your bed, now go lie in it. But no , you don't want to face even the slightest discomfort that the breakup has caused you. You remind me of my ex, who, to this day, keeps contacting me, trying to justify various behaviors of his during our time together, etc. He claims he cares about me and didn't mean to hurt me, but he keeps messaging me and being passive aggressive and justifying his crappy behavior, because he feels guilty about it and knows what I think of him. Or is looking for attention and drama because he's bored/lonely. Leave her alone, if you really care about her. I suspect you care infinitely more about yourself than you care about her, so you will keep on contacting her until it gives you enough satisfaction that you're a good person.

 

You do not know me, I have not once initiated contact with her. She initiates contact with me. This board is full of people that are against the dumper, which is partly understandable since you were the one that was hurt the most at the point of breakup.

 

Would you prefer the dumper to lie and carry on in something that they don't like? I had a problem with the relationship, I could have easily carried on with it had I so wished, but I care more for my partner than to do that. I wasn't physically cheating, I wasn't emotionally cheating. I have not moved on from her, I still cry most days/nights.

 

I'm prepared that I will be the evil one, I want to do whatever it takes so that she can recover from this before me as she is a lovely, kind, caring girl. Sadly though, she was not the girl for me, so I faced the music.

[hotpotato]

You were tired and wanted out. If you really cared you would have tried counseling or whatever you had to do to save the relationship.

 

Please, just leave her alone.

 

Did you feel like your relationship was passionless?

[MontyCarlo]

I think we had zero communication. Can you imagine being alone, just the two of you and not saying anything at all? I'd try, I love to talk, perhaps too much, she would be on Facebook finding out what other people were up to.

[almond]

I think the attacks toward the OP are out of order. In my opinion, he has done what he felt he needed to, and does not deserve any criticism.

 

You seem like you're doing the right thing OP. Just take care of yourself, and know that in time, she will be okay. This process will only be delayed by any further contact on your behalf. If she needs to contact you, she will. She knows you care, and she knows that you love her.

 

You seem like a mature and respectful guy. Use your head, and things will be fine.

[silly in love]

Let me be honest!!

I think you are just feeling guilty and want to comfort yourself,NOT HER!!My ex contacted me 100times to say he is sorry and feeling guilty ,yet not only it didnt comfort me I found him more selfish than I have already thought.He didnt put effort to fix any problem in the relationship and simply gave up on a long relationship.Only bcz he was bored,any other explanation is just full of crap!!!Certainly the last person who can comfort me is the one who left me.I dnt have any sympathy for you to be honest.And dnt contact her,she will only feel you are pitying her and that is the last thing a dumpee want.

[MontyCarlo]

And yet again, I have to say this and I'll say it all in caps so people who are blind can see it.

 

I AM NOT YOUR EX

I HAVE NOT CONTACTED HER ONCE

 

Do you already see the difference, stop projecting your experiences into this problem. It's different to the problem you have, I'm sorry he's constantly giving you breadcrumbs, I'm trying to make sure I dont leave any!

[Salvatore85]

And yet again, I have to say this and I'll say it all in caps so people who are blind can see it.

 

I AM NOT YOUR EX

I HAVE NOT CONTACTED HER ONCE

 

Do you already see the difference, stop projecting your experiences into this problem. It's different to the problem you have, I'm sorry he's constantly giving you breadcrumbs, I'm trying to make sure I dont leave any!

 

And yet no one accused you of contacting her. You asked whether you should and I simply stated you should leave her alone. And honestly why would you ask for advice if you're just going to get pissed when you don't get what you want to hear?

[Simon Phoenix]

And yet again, I have to say this and I'll say it all in caps so people who are blind can see it.

 

I AM NOT YOUR EX

I HAVE NOT CONTACTED HER ONCE

 

Do you already see the difference, stop projecting your experiences into this problem. It's different to the problem you have, I'm sorry he's constantly giving you breadcrumbs, I'm trying to make sure I dont leave any!

 

Keep it up then. Contacting her might seem nice to you, but it will likely just confuse the hell out of her and cause her stress and anxiety. Unless you want to get back with her, you are better off saying nothing.

[MontyCarlo]

If people just read the opening post then I suppose you will get the incorrect assumption.

 

I did think of contacting her but was not sure so came on here asking for advice. Advice was not to, which I heeded.

 

Situation now is she is making any excuse to see me during work, now if I'm quite honest, this does not really bother me. But I know it's going to bother her.

 

I asked that if the next time she does this do I try and make it so she doesn't want to speak to me? I am not going to initiate contact, I'm getting annoyed as a lot of people here are just reading the opening post and assuming that I want to contact her.

 

I would like in the future to keep contact, but for now I wish there was a break so she can recover. I am even trying to get another job, perhaps moving thousands of miles away to force the break.

 

So please don't keep replying 'don't contact her' this I already know.

[Simon Phoenix]

If people just read the opening post then I suppose you will get the incorrect assumption.

 

I did think of contacting her but was not sure so came on here asking for advice. Advice was not to, which I heeded.

 

Situation now is she is making any excuse to see me during work, now if I'm quite honest, this does not really bother me. But I know it's going to bother her.

 

I asked that if the next time she does this do I try and make it so she doesn't want to speak to me? I am not going to initiate contact, I'm getting annoyed as a lot of people here are just reading the opening post and assuming that I want to contact her.

 

I would like in the future to keep contact, but for now I wish there was a break so she can recover. I am even trying to get another job, perhaps moving thousands of miles away to force the break.

 

So please don't keep replying 'don't contact her' this I already know.

 

Stop whining. I've already told you to keep your interactions business related and that's it. So before you start pissing and moaning about people not reading your stuff, make sure you are actually reading what others are writing as well. And drop the sh*tty attitude.

[MontyCarlo]

Go f#&k yourself! This board is dedicated to people that are the dumpee. Blame the dumper is the recurring theme on this board. They must have cheated. They must be feeling guilty.

 

I haven't contacted her, have no intention of doing so now. I try to keep work strictly work, when the other person doesn't I can't help that can I.

 

Perhaps I should have made a new thread as the title on this one is now misleading.

 

Anyway, came here to seek help not to be insulted by some people who are obviously bitter towards the dumper. I'll leave it there, close the thread and lock it please mods, I'm done!

[BC1980]

Since we've established that it's best to request NC, I would send her a brief email saying that it's best for both of you to go NC and move on. I wouldn't even recommend saying she will always be special to you, ect. I got some similar thoughts in an email from my ex, and they just sounded so patronizing. It made me sick. I don't care if I will always be special to him. It's of no consolation, and it made me feel like he was degrading the relationship we had. I know that he didn't mean it that way, so I don't hold it against him.

 

So I would tell her, straight up, that if she does contact you, you aren't going to respond because that it what is best for both of you. She is an adult, and she will find a way to deal with this. It's f*cking awful, but she will make it through with her family and friends.

[BC1980]

I haven't contacted her, have no intention of doing so now. I try to keep work strictly work, when the other person doesn't I can't help that can I.

 

I think you are trying to do the right thing by trying to get a new job for both of your sakes, hers especially. Even though I am the dumpee, I know this is hard on the dumper too. It seems that you have tried your best to act honorably and do what it right by her.

[Simon Phoenix]

Go f#&k yourself! This board is dedicated to people that are the dumpee. Blame the dumper is the recurring theme on this board. They must have cheated. They must be feeling guilty.

 

I haven't contacted her, have no intention of doing so now. I try to keep work strictly work, when the other person doesn't I can't help that can I.

 

Perhaps I should have made a new thread as the title on this one is now misleading.

 

Anyway, came here to seek help not to be insulted by some people who are obviously bitter towards the dumper. I'll leave it there, close the thread and lock it please mods, I'm done!

 

Where did I blame you? You need to settle down.

[DresdenKing]

However, I am full of regret. Still ponder where things went wrong. Still play stupid 'I'm sorry' 'mistake' songs purposely to make me upset. We didn't talk about how we would react in the coming weeks/months however it would take for us both to get over the situation.

 

Forgive me

 

Go f#&k yourself! This board is dedicated to people that are the dumpee. Blame the dumper is the recurring theme on this board. They must have cheated. They must be feeling guilty.

 

No.. YOU, guilty? Of course not, how DARE anyone suggest that...

 

Stop being so defensive, what you perceive as personal attacks are NOT personal, nobody here knows who you are. You're not always going to get the answer you're subconsciously hoping to hear to make you feel better, sometimes the truth hurts. You taught your ex that lesson, now learn from it yourself.

 

You don't realize it yet, but you're not angry at a community of people offering their honest advice. You're angry at yourself.

[silly in love]

And yet again, I have to say this and I'll say it all in caps so people who are blind can see it.

 

I AM NOT YOUR EX

I HAVE NOT CONTACTED HER ONCE

 

Do you already see the difference, stop projecting your experiences into this problem. It's different to the problem you have, I'm sorry he's constantly giving you breadcrumbs, I'm trying to make sure I dont leave any!

 

Didnt insult you.Cool down!Just putting ourselves on ur ex situation and give u some insight.Cuz I can feel her pain thats all and understood that u wont contact her.OK!

[melell]

To be honest. My ex did me a big favor by leaving. I was not at all happy being with someone who doubted me. I am now glad that the attachment aspects have been broken and I can actually foresee being happy in a relationship.

 

The OP was with someone for five years. I am sure it is more than guilt. People always refer to the dumpers as just feeling guilty. I believe there will be much more going on there than guilt. They will feel sad, miss their ex, and there will be five years worth of reminders that will be very hard to stomach. Guilt is just another emotion.

 

It is logical for him to miss her and want to text her, just as it is logical for him to feel guilty and want to apologize.

 

The fact that they have even posted must show how hard it is for them.

 

Also he hasn't contacted the ex. And is thinking about what is best for them. This is a breakup up forum. We need a dumpers topic. After a long time it is hard for both parties

[Mz_sassy_77]

Don't contact her. It sounds like you still care for her and don't want to hurt her anymore so don't contact her. Everytime you contact her you are giving her hope, hope that you will change your mind, hope that you might regret your decision. You are prolonging her pain because rather then letting her get her head around the fact that its over and feeling what she needs to she will still be holding onto you and the relationship.

 

It sounds like you've already explained the best you could. Time to go NC.