One and a half days after I confessed that I cheated

[whichwayisup]

You're very strong and brave to come clean. I commend you for that. I think Res's post reply says it all, he puts it perfectly into words, talking from his own pain and experience as well.

 

Here's something you need to really read. This thread by DazednConfused. I hope this link works...If not, page 3 "My wife made stupid Mistake."

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

That thread caught my attention! Reading Dazed life unfold and feeling his pain...It made me see what could have happened...A huge mistake that could have happened further down the road if I had continued down that path of curosity... I know I could never cheat on my husband...But it did help that I had not met this person ever, just a friendship online and unfortunately we crossed the line by admitting some feelings that never should have been talked about. Friendship is friendship, but I know I allowed myself to "FEEL" desired by someone else because I felt neglected at home. Things now are fine, we are so much closer than we have been. I have my wonderful friends and others who have helped me as well.

 

Many judge, many harsh and nasty...Some understand and try to just give honest advice and try not to BLAST you. I found I reached out and got **** on, so I shut up and worked it out with some help from afew friends. Dazed helped me see some issues, shared some insights with me and honestly, because of what HE went through and his pain I knew there was NO way in HELL I was gonna inflict that on my husband.

 

 

Love him, show him you need him, want him, desire him. I needed this in my life and wasn't really getting it. Communication is the key, therapy and daily affirmations. Be a friend, be a lover, be a parent (Dont knw if you have kids?) share every thought, past, present and future...And then some.

 

Good luck!

[Sweetz]

Originally posted by johnnyl321

aww, poor $%#@^%^ you! maybe you shoulda thought about someone else's feelings before you opened your legs up. ya oughta be thankful he didn't take a baseball bat upside your head. if that sounds a little cold and callous, don't you think what you did felt the same way to him? i think most guys do try very hard to please their women, and what do more than half of you do? you run off to be with some other swinging dick because "we just don't communicate like we used to"

boo hoo-- maybe i'm sounding a little old school about this, but i think either party cheating deserves the worst.

if by the grace of god, your husband does forgive you, keep this in mind. he'll never forget it. every time he closes his eyes, he's gonna see you going down on someone else, wrapping your arms around someone else and it's gonna hurt him for a helluva lot longer than you'll ever realize. your marriage is over. say goodbye chump. and for the guy that "manipulated" you, did he say all the same things your husband used to say to you when you first started dating? did he make you feel "special"?

next time you feel like cheating, throw in a porn movie and masturbate.

 

It's all good my friend. I had it coming to me. I make no excuses. You play with fire you get burned. I guess some of us learn the hard way. You make good points and I understand your feelings on this now. I am lucky my husband is willing to work things out with me. I just know I can't screw this up again. Enough damage has already been done. I need to start making things better for us instead of trying to "fix" things on my own only to make them worse than they need to be.

[Sweetz]

reservoirdog1

Thanks for your post. You are right on most points mentioned. Could I have continued to do what I was doing and not be caught? Absolutely. Would he have found out? No. He's not the type to question me or my whereabouts, doesn't get caught up in jealousy or question me much because he says that he trusts that I will make the right decisions and there is no need for him to watch over me like a hawk. So why confess now instead of just telling myself to stop and keep it from him in order to save his feelings? Because that would be the wrong thing to do for myself as well as him. I can't fool myself. As much as I wish I could just stop what I was doing because I made the decision to do so, it's not that easy. Now I have to be accountable for what I do and don't do because I have come clean and made the commitment to myself and my marriage that this is wrong in every sense.

 

I also had to put in his mind that his friend was not who he was pretending to be. So here I had myself lying to him and now his friend who he looked up to was also doing the same thing. It was getting to be too much for me to deal with. It was killing me inside to see this great guy trust all these people in his life only to be constantly lied to. It just wasn't fair to him and if I had kept this secret from him a day longer, I was contributing to that unfairness to him. How could I continue to have a relationship with this OM who not only lied to my husband, but also lied to his own wife, AND was also was lying to me. I was blind to that whole tie-in for so long but now the fog has seemed to clear up a bit and I can start to make sense of it little by little. Logically it seems so clear but caught up in the middle of it, it was clear as mud to me.

 

I am also saddened looking back that my friendship with his wife was severed due to her suspicions. To the OM, it is no big deal but to me, it was a big deal and still is. I regret ever trusting him from the beginning.

 

I also realized that I needed to stop looking externally as to why things weren't working and start looking internally at who I am and what I was doing to contribute to the issues that we were having. It's so easy to point the finger and blame someone else for your situation but we all have to realize that it takes two and that we do play into the situation also. As soon as I started to do that, I slowly started to see him do the same. At times when we think that the environment around us, if changed, would make us happier people, leads us to believe that we are not accountable for who and what we are doing at this time. I think this thinking is what gets a lot of people in trouble. I know it did for me many times over.

[Joyce]

Sweetz,

 

It sounds like you are doing some soul searching. Your way of thinking and going about this has dramatically changed based off your first post. It's good to hear. It has to start with your way of thinking. I am glad you are facing this and choosing to deal with this.

 

You have a lot of work to do it will be hard. You will have good days and bad. In the end it will pay off. Ten years from now you will look back and be glad that you figured out what really matters in life. Affairs never get people anywhere in life... they only bring heartache to everyone involved.

[Sweetz]

Joyce, you are reading my mind. I was just thinking to myself how differently I am feeling today versus five days ago when I first made the post that I did. I feel like an entire different person and this is only the beginning of my long journey. I only hope and pray that I can remain as strong and deligent in this as I have been since this. I will definitely give it my all. I know that things have only started in the healing process, but already it feels so different than it did last week for me. But I am not fooling myself, there are many tough days ahead. I am just preparing myself for them so I may act accordingly. This forum has been so inspirational and eye opening for me. I really am grateful to everyone that reached out to give me a helping hand, however harsh that was, it was all meant in good. Thanks.

[Owl]

Sweetz- Have you notified your OM that there will be no further contact?? And have you ensured that your husband is present/copied/aware of that notification?? HUGE first step, probably the most painful for most people in your position, and the most critical thing you can do to start rebuilding trust with your husband. I don't recall having seen a post from you stating that this had happened. Was hoping that you had already taken this step.

[reservoirdog1]

And, just as importantly, have you confessed to the other affairs? If not, you're just delaying the proper onset of the full recovery effort because a later revelation will just set it back, and damage the precarious trust you will have re-established by then.

[Sweetz]

Originally posted by Owl

Sweetz- Have you notified your OM that there will be no further contact?? And have you ensured that your husband is present/copied/aware of that notification?? HUGE first step, probably the most painful for most people in your position, and the most critical thing you can do to start rebuilding trust with your husband. I don't recall having seen a post from you stating that this had happened. Was hoping that you had already taken this step.

 

Owl

I have not heard from him for over a week. Sometimes I don't hear from him for a month. At this time, I don't feel that emailing/calling him to tell him that is a good idea. It would seem to come off as trying to instigate something when my intention is to cut off all ties with him. When he emails me or calls, I will tell him I can no longer see him and that's it. I will definitely let my husband know as well when this occurs.

 

Thoughts?

[Sweetz]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

And, just as importantly, have you confessed to the other affairs? If not, you're just delaying the proper onset of the full recovery effort because a later revelation will just set it back, and damage the precarious trust you will have re-established by then.

 

Reservoirdog

I don't know how to approach this on my own so upon seeing my counselor I will let him know about this and then ask how to proceed with this situation. But you are right about it all, I just don't know how to go about it by myself at this time.

[Sweetz]

At this time I don't think my H will want to go to counseling. He says he's willing to forget the past and move on forward. I just I can't see how this is the resolution to the problem. I will be going to individual counseling whether or not he choose to join me at this time.

 

One minute I feel like I am making progress, the next I feel like I have just taken two steps backwards.

[reservoirdog1]

Sweetz, you're right about needing counselling. So I understand it, most people who cheat do so because they're disatisfied about something in their relationship. You need to find out what that is. Individual counselling for both of you is important too, but couples counselling is a must.

 

It doesn't sound like you've suggested it to him, however; you've assumed that he will say no because he says he's willing to accept and move on. But this is very new to him, and his attitude and demeanour will undergo some RADICAL shifts over the next few weeks and months. He's still in shock and everything is surreal. Meanwhile, get into individual counselling ASAP for yourself and get the advice about coming clean on the other affairs.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Sweetz

One minute I feel like I am making progress, the next I feel like I have just taken two steps backwards.

 

Sweetz,

 

its part of the emo roller coaster. I am the betrayed husband and I am still on it after 4 months. This process takes time. You are in the very beginning stages.....stay focused and you MUST support your husband thru all this. He will go thru some very drastic changes as ResDog said......be there for him, show him you care....

 

And i agree on the couples sessions......if anyway you can convince your husband.....believe me it WILL help him deal with it, he may not agree, but it will. Alot of questions he has can be answered in a understanding third party way by the counselor.

 

I wish you luck, stay strong. Wake up and pray for the strength every day.....I do and it helps.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Sweetz

 

 

Owl

I have not heard from him for over a week. Sometimes I don't hear from him for a month. At this time, I don't feel that emailing/calling him to tell him that is a good idea. It would seem to come off as trying to instigate something when my intention is to cut off all ties with him. When he emails me or calls, I will tell him I can no longer see him and that's it. I will definitely let my husband know as well when this occurs.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

Well, since you asked for my "thoughts"...

 

Demonstrate to your husband just how serious you are about ending the relationship with the OM, and in rebuilding with him. Do something irrevocable to sever ties with your OM, and do it with your husband's knowledge or presence. Perhaps call him, put him on speaker phone, let him know that your husband is there in the room, and let him know in no uncertain terms that it's over?? Or, if that is too risky, do it via an email chain, with your husband obviously copied on the email. That way the OM knows that your husband is PART of this decision, and that you ARE ending it, and not just trying to add a bit of drama to spice up the affair.

 

Then, make a point of deleting/destroying anything you've got from the OM, and do it with your husband. Delete any emails, destroy any gifts, remove his number from your cell phone, etc...

 

Last thing. Take a look at the post "we're seperating" that is currently going on the Other Woman/Man forum here on LS. Viv was a great lady, and provided a ton of awesome advice to a bunch of people, including me. She failed to keep her NC going with the OM, and her husband found out. He booted her out, and she's just flat out feeling completely horrible. Keep that in mind. She posted that the contact she had with her OM was completely innocuous...realize that for the betrayed husband (your husband, me, etc...) that there will NEVER be any such thing as harmless contact with ANY of the OMs again...ever!!! I love my wife like you couldn't possibly understand...I've been through more pain and suffering from what she did than you know. I have done every possible thing to get past what happened, and to show her daily how much I love her and have forgiven her...BUT. BUT, if she ever does this again, or ever resumes contact with her OM, I'm gone. I will never trust again. So, when you start to wonder if your husband really loves you, and you start to feel lonely, or frisky, or whatever it was you got out of your relationship with the OM(s), GET IT FROM YOUR HUSBAND. DO NOT do this again...ever.

 

Not judging...we're all human, and we're all tempted. You've given in a lot, and that forms a pattern of behaviour that you either have to change, or you have to change your life to suit it. That second change would mean leaving this man who loves you even with what he's learned about you recently. Think about that. Good luck, and I do really hope things work out!

[Sweetz]

Owl

I think you are great and I really appreciate all the posts you have taken the time to write me. I have read every word of every posts and I find them all so helpful so thanks again to everyone.

 

 

 

The element that makes this all much more complicated than it already is is the fact that this OM and my husband were good friends, at least in my husband’s eye they were. He at one point use to always brag about what a great guy this OM was as a friend to him. Looking back at all that transpired, I am deeply saddened by the fact that I contributed to that happening.

 

I have no emails or anything that the OM has sent me. I am clean as a slate.

 

I realize what a great man I have as a husband now. I can now sit back and look at all the flaws of the OM because I have distanced myself far away enough. Before that, I would not be able to see any of that, as I was blinded by other feelings.

 

I now know that what I was after was not the OM or any OM for that matter. I was after the feelings that I associate with being in situations like that. I need to and will find a way to get that same stimulation within my marriage. That is why people call it an addiction or drug. You are not so much addicted to the person that you cheat with, but more so the feelings and emotions that go along with that whole situation. Realizing that now, I can better make things out of what is sensible and what isn’t. Long road ahead still but onward and upward I go.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Sweetz

I now know that what I was after was not the OM or any OM for that matter. I was after the feelings that I associate with being in situations like that. I need to and will find a way to get that same stimulation within my marriage. That is why people call it an addiction or drug. You are not so much addicted to the person that you cheat with, but more so the feelings and emotions that go along with that whole situation. Realizing that now, I can better make things out of what is sensible and what isn’t. Long road ahead still but onward and upward I go.

 

 

GREAT...your on the right track......now you need to focus the energy you used for these feelings, into feelings that will help your marriage relationship.....

 

What I have learned in counseling, is that SOOOO many people waste energy on things that DONT benefit them or thier marriage in a positive way. Its amazing how much you can feel life when you are actually aware of your feelings and energy.....and that you CAN control it and focus it into things that are beneficial.....its something I work hard on everyday...and for me it is very hard.....but I make progress, and it also gets the best of me somedays....but I keep moving forward.

[lorenita1984]

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