Ladies: reasonable communication while your boyfriend is abroad?

[Ruby Slippers]

So, I'm wondering what the women in particular think is a reasonable amount of communication to expect from your boyfriend of 1 year while he's abroad.

 

He just got back in touch after going 3 days with no contact, with no real mention of it up front. This is after regular daily contact for months. We also discussed before he went on his trip that he'd stay in touch - because his last girlfriend dumped him when he went abroad and didn't contact her at all during that time. I had to explain to him that, yeah, just dropping off the radar after 3 months of dating gives a woman the impression you don't really care about her that much.

 

He did tell me before dropping off the radar that the next few days were going to be busy, but he didn't say anything about likely not being in touch. I wouldn't have minded at all if he'd explained the situation and let me know he was going to be out of touch.

 

He has very little relationship experience, so I often wonder if he's doing these things because he doesn't care, or he's just clueless. When it comes to being attentive, in some ways he goes above and beyond. In other ways, like this one, he seems clueless.

 

This particular incident isn't a huge deal, but I'm noticing it falls into a pattern of him just not being very considerate about these things. And I'm tired of it.

 

He's also made it clear he wants to marry me, so I'm considering him for that - and stuff like this is what makes me hesitate.

 

So ladies, if your boyfriend of a year were out of the country for 3 weeks - what's the minimum degree of contact you'd find acceptable?

[Treasa]

So, he's done this before to another girl, you guys had a discussion about this before he did it, so he knew it was important to you, and he still did it. And clearly he does things like this often enough for you to be tired of it.

 

Make yourself scarce for a few days to think about things before you make a decision about what to do. Don't call or text or see him, and don't reply to his attempts. Or reply really briefly and in a neutral way.

 

See what he does.

[anna121]

Tough to respond in the abstract.

 

I'm pretty independent. If the rel-ship was good and I was secure, I could easily go 1-2 days. By day 3 I'd be wondering what he was up to, but if the rel-ship was secure I would likely just send a "miss you" text.

 

So...if we were in contact every other day with an occasional 3 day spread, I wouldn't be too concerned.

 

I also would feel equal responsibility to keep contact going.

[Star Gazer]

When Skiman went abroad for business or pleasure, he called me every day and sometimes also emailed.

 

When I went in vacation, I did the same.

 

Travel and vacations aren't vacations from your R, IMO.

[clia]

So ladies, if your boyfriend of a year were out of the country for 3 weeks - what's the minimum degree of contact you'd find acceptable?

 

This depends on so many factors. Where is he? How easy is it for him to contact me? Can he simply shoot me a text from his phone, or is it more complicated than that? Is he there on business or with friends? How busy is he and what is he doing?

 

Overall, I would probably expect to touch base with him every other day, or every second day. A few days without contact really wouldn't alarm me that much.

[Ruby Slippers]

So, he's done this before to another girl, you guys had a discussion about this before he did it, so he knew it was important to you, and he still did it. And clearly he does things like this often enough for you to be tired of it.

 

Make yourself scarce for a few days to think about things before you make a decision about what to do. Don't call or text or see him, and don't reply to his attempts. Or reply really briefly and in a neutral way.

This is exactly what I'm doing.

 

After the 3 days without contact, he sent me a long e-mail yesterday morning. He did apologize for not being in touch and talked about how much he misses me. All I could think was that if he really missed me and cared, he would have been in touch, or warned me beforehand.

 

I didn't write back, and I let his call last night go to voicemail. It was late, and I just wanted some time to think before responding. I only answered his call this morning because it was an "unknown" international call and could have been a client.

 

I kept it brief, and calmly told him how I felt. He was apologetic, but it just sounded like kinda lame excuses to me. I said let's keep our communication to e-mail only till he gets back, and said I was going to get back to work.

 

I was feeling very on the fence about whether to continue with him. It feels like this incident is pushing me to one side.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm pretty independent. If the rel-ship was good and I was secure, I could easily go 1-2 days. By day 3 I'd be wondering what he was up to, but if the rel-ship was secure I would likely just send a "miss you" text.

Yeah, I wouldn't have minded the 3 days at all - if he'd discussed it with me up front, rather than giving me the impression he'd be in touch regularly.

[Ruby Slippers]

When Skiman went abroad for business or pleasure, he called me every day and sometimes also emailed.

 

When I went in vacation, I did the same.

 

Travel and vacations aren't vacations from your R, IMO.

I agree. I've never been with a guy before who went 3 days without contacting me, for any reason. In fact, I've never been with someone who even skipped a day.

[Ruby Slippers]

This depends on so many factors. Where is he? How easy is it for him to contact me? Can he simply shoot me a text from his phone, or is it more complicated than that? Is he there on business or with friends? How busy is he and what is he doing?

 

Overall, I would probably expect to touch base with him every other day, or every second day. A few days without contact really wouldn't alarm me that much.

It's not hard for him to contact me. Some of the past few days, he was in a more remote region that had sketchy reception. But he didn't tell me that until after the fact. He could have let me know. I certainly would have shown him that basic courtesy.

 

A few days wouldn't be a big deal to me, either. But like I said, this falls into a pattern that is starting to feel wrong.

[Treasa]

If he were otherwise an excellent boyfriend, I'd tell you to let this slide, and just have expectations set up front. But it sounds like this is just the final tipping point, and not the first thing that's bothered you.

 

I asked Keith how long he'd wait to get in contact with me if he went abroad. Ironically, it's been a few minutes and he hasn't answered yet. If he did it, I'd call his parents just to make sure he was alive, but I wouldn't care. But then, he's AMAZING, so that kind of thing wouldn't be a big deal.

[Treasa]

Conversation I just had:

 

Me: Sweetie?

 

Keith: Yes hon?

 

Me: If you went abroad or something, would you go three days without contacting me?

 

Keith: No, definitely not

 

Me: Or rather, what amount of time would you think was ok before you'd feel you should contact me?

 

Keith: I'd contact you before I get on the plane, after I get off the plane, etc...

 

Me: No, I mean if you were already there.

How long would you go before contacting me if you were in the middle of a trip, assuming I already knew you were there. As in, how often would you contact me?

 

Keith: I'd call you every day, several times a day.

 

Me: If you were ABROAD?? Do you know how expensive that would be??

 

Keith: Well at least once a day! I don't know, this is a hypothetical. I certainly wouldn't go 3 days though

 

Keith (while I was entering this here): I would call you. Then you would say "Call me tomorrow" or "Don't call me until Thursday" or...whatever. There would be communication, and it would be easy to figure out. I'm not sure what you're getting at here.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

If he were otherwise an excellent boyfriend, I'd tell you to let this slide, and just have expectations set up front. But it sounds like this is just the final tipping point, and not the first thing that's bothered you.

He's amazing in some ways - beyond amazing! Given all his good and bad points, he's closer to what I'm looking for than anyone I've been with before. Which is why I'm still with him - and why I took him back in March after dumping him in January over this same kind of ****.

 

He's been much better this time around, but he's still letting me down at times.

 

I feel torn. On one hand, I try to be patient and understanding, focus on the positives. On the other hand, I think - I can't marry a guy who doesn't even get the basics like this one.

[Treasa]

He's amazing in some ways - beyond amazing! Given all his good and bad points, he's closer to what I'm looking for than anyone I've been with before. Which is why I'm still with him - and why I took him back in March after dumping him in January over this same kind of ****.

 

He's been much better this time around, but he's still letting me down at times.

 

I feel torn. On one hand, I try to be patient and understanding, focus on the positives. On the other hand, I think - I can't marry a guy who doesn't even get the basics like this one.

 

I say continue taking your space for a couple of days. Don't ignore him outright, but just keep it brief. And carefully consider it.

 

If this won't matter to you six months from now, let it go.

[Ruby Slippers]

Keith: I'd contact you before I get on the plane, after I get off the plane, etc...

Well, he was texting me all evening the day before his flight - way more than usual. And all day from the airport. That whole week before his trip, he kept telling me he was really going to miss me. He called me briefly from the airport, then the second airport where his connecting flight was. Most of the times we've talked, he's hinted he's ready for the trip to be over so he can be back with me, telling me all about it.

 

I'm aware of all this rationally - but it's no replacement for the emotional disappointment of him just falling off the radar without warning or discussion of it up front.

[crederer]

So, he's done this before to another girl, you guys had a discussion about this before he did it, so he knew it was important to you, and he still did it. And clearly he does things like this often enough for you to be tired of it.

 

Make yourself scarce for a few days to think about things before you make a decision about what to do. Don't call or text or see him, and don't reply to his attempts. Or reply really briefly and in a neutral way.

 

See what he does.

 

I dunno about this. I can see your intentions and the thinking behind it but I've never been high on head games, or tests.

 

Just send him a message basically saying how you feel about it. Ask him if he's still alive because you thought you made it pretty clear you wish for him to keep in contact, which he is failing at miserably.

 

One time I was gone for a week and basically just got busy and wasn't think of my girl. She sent me a text saying "where has my boyfriend gone? He seems to have disappeared". It was basically a reminder I had to keep in better touch, and it worked.

[myothernic2]

Yeah, I wouldn't have minded the 3 days at all - if he'd discussed it with me up front, rather than giving me the impression he'd be in touch regularly.

 

A lot of guys don't seem to get a quick discussion about things of this nature would avoid the unneeded tension. Then something small becomes a big deal and starts a train reaction of doubts.

[Ruby Slippers]

Just send him a message basically saying how you feel about it. Ask him if he's still alive because you thought you made it pretty clear you wish for him to keep in contact, which he is failing at miserably.

I told him the first two times he called from abroad that I was sad and disappointed I hadn't heard from him much. He said he knew he should be in better touch, thinks about me all the time, and would do a better job - then didn't.

 

I told him exactly how I feel about it when he called this morning, and told him I want e-mail contact only until he gets back - because I'm feeling like I should break up with him, I'm not going to do that while he's out of the country, and I can't sit there on the phone and pretend everything's fine when it isn't.

[tbf]

How long will he be abroad and why has he gone?

[Ruby Slippers]

3 weeks, work. He also has some friends in the area, so a bit of vacation mixed in.

[tbf]

What did he say this morning when you told him?

 

Sorry, don't mean this to be a grilling but in order to tailor a response to your situation, your responses really help me get a better picture of the situation.

[Star Gazer]

Keith (while I was entering this here): I would call you. Then you would say "Call me tomorrow" or "Don't call me until Thursday" or...whatever. There would be communication, and it would be easy to figure out. I'm not sure what you're getting at here.

 

 

Actually yeah, this happened too. I remember directly telling him he didn't need to call me until X day, to enjoy whatever he was doing.

 

But he still always made contact, usually with a lot of, "I wish you could have come with me this time..."

 

Our communication is one of the standards I carry with me, actually.

[Ruby Slippers]

What did he say this morning when you told him?

 

Sorry, don't mean this to be a grilling but in order to tailor a response to your situation, your responses really help me get a better picture of the situation.

I can't remember exactly.

 

How it came across to me is the way it usually does - low on anything sweet, like apologizing or reassuring, high on rational explanation of the situation.

 

He said he's really missing me and thinking about me all the time, again hinted he's ready for this trip to be over so he can get back to me.

 

Then the rational explanation part: I told you I was going to be busy this weekend. (True - this is all he said up front - but nothing about communication, reception, etc.) He went on to say that he didn't even take his phone on the weekend because he knew the reception was going to be a problem and he shouldn't even bother. (Again, no mention of any of this up front.)

 

I said I needed to get back to work, and let's keep the communication to e-mail only until he gets back. He said, "I can call you, too." And I repeated - let's just stick to e-mail for now.

[tbf]

People say a lot of things but when words and actions don`t align, be wary. Also be wary of dissembling language and behaviours.

 

It`s odd that he would risk this relationship over his bad behaviour from the last relationship. Maybe it's a subconscious or conscious test, to see if you'll leave him over same. If so, that type of baggage is difficult to deal with.

 

This doesn't mean that you should split with him. The balance of the trip will be telling. Be observant and if you wish, post his behaviour.

[AverageCat]

Who initiates the contacts?

 

If it is always him then I don't blame him for going no contact and seeing if you'd put in any effort.

 

Otherwise if you were trying to reach out to him for 3 days and he didn't answer at all it'd be pretty bad... "We need a talk" kind of bad.

[Star Gazer]

And... pray tell how exactly you're going to know what you're doing three days in advance, where you're going, whether you've got reception, juice, and time to stay in touch?

 

Most people have a general answer to these questions when traveling, and if they have an SO they care about maintaining contact with, they make sure they know the answer and prepare accordingly.

 

The others could give two sh*ts.