Ladies: reasonable communication while your boyfriend is abroad?

[Babolat]

So, I'm wondering what the women in particular think is a reasonable amount of communication to expect from your boyfriend of 1 year while he's abroad.

 

He just got back in touch after going 3 days with no contact, with no real mention of it up front. This is after regular daily contact for months. We also discussed before he went on his trip that he'd stay in touch - because his last girlfriend dumped him when he went abroad and didn't contact her at all during that time. I had to explain to him that, yeah, just dropping off the radar after 3 months of dating gives a woman the impression you don't really care about her that much.

 

He did tell me before dropping off the radar that the next few days were going to be busy, but he didn't say anything about likely not being in touch. I wouldn't have minded at all if he'd explained the situation and let me know he was going to be out of touch.

 

He has very little relationship experience, so I often wonder if he's doing these things because he doesn't care, or he's just clueless. When it comes to being attentive, in some ways he goes above and beyond. In other ways, like this one, he seems clueless.

 

This particular incident isn't a huge deal, but I'm noticing it falls into a pattern of him just not being very considerate about these things. And I'm tired of it.

 

He's also made it clear he wants to marry me, so I'm considering him for that - and stuff like this is what makes me hesitate.

 

So ladies, if your boyfriend of a year were out of the country for 3 weeks - what's the minimum degree of contact you'd find acceptable?

 

Just saw this post, and you mentioned this to me over PM.

 

For me, there are so many ways to communicate nowadays, in 1 minute or less. Text, email, Skype. I don't buy the "I am too busy" from anyone. My ex gf was very good at saying "I am busy right now but will respond to your text soon". I liked that.

 

When I use to travel when married, and she did too, we would pick a mutual time when we could both jump on Skype.

 

He could be different, this is just me.

[Babolat]

Well, he was texting me all evening the day before his flight - way more than usual. And all day from the airport. That whole week before his trip, he kept telling me he was really going to miss me. He called me briefly from the airport, then the second airport where his connecting flight was. Most of the times we've talked, he's hinted he's ready for the trip to be over so he can be back with me, telling me all about it.

 

I'm aware of all this rationally - but it's no replacement for the emotional disappointment of him just falling off the radar without warning or discussion of it up front.

 

He could be one of those types thats gets sooooo focused, on work in this case, and does not understand what you need as far as contact is concerned. You are not needy at all in my opinion, you simply are asking for some respect and communication. "If I am not going to hear from you for x # of days, fine, tell me in advance". I think that's just respectful.

[Babolat]

I agree, but I can't seem to figure out what it is. We obviously care about each other very much and want it to work. The thought of splitting up is just devastating to us both. But if I have to do it (again), I will.

 

I mentioned the possibility of counseling, because I just feel stuck. He said, "No, I'm not crazy. Only messed-up people go to counseling."

 

I shut down too when I am hurt or upset by my partners actions/behavior. Happened last Thursday with the ex gf, even though we are not dating. I quickly saw it, caught it, stopped it and talked to her immediatley, starting with how I felt. I even told her about my shutting down and that I did not want to do that.

 

It backfired as she got upset, felt defensive, accused, attacked and she said the timing was terrible because it triggered another challenge we have always had.

 

However, I still will never shut down again for more than ac ouple of hours. It use to be days in my marriage; not good.

[Ruby Slippers]

Again, this one incident isn't a big deal on its own. But the lack of what I see as simple consideration on his part is a recurring problem.

 

If I had even a good friend that I talked to every day, and I was going to be out of the country and expected that contact would be more like every few days, I would totally tell that person up front, just out of basic consideration. I also can't imagine any good friend of mine not doing the same.

 

And yes, I've been questioning whether we're compatible. He's a catch and would certainly make at least a decent, responsible husband and father. But still, sometimes it feels like something important is missing. It's not hard for me to attract strong, go get 'em provider types. But I can't ignore that I want real love. Too much of the time, his behavior feels uncaring and unloving to me. When he does something that bothers me, I always run it by my friends to get their take. Sometimes they think I'm being a little sensitive, but other times they agree his behavior is bizarre.

 

It's his birthday today, and I put aside the bad feelings long enough to send him a short and sweet birthday message.

 

I haven't made a decision about what to do, and probably won't till we talk once he gets back. I'm working on once more letting go of an attachment to any particular outcome.

 

I really just want us both to be happy, and if we can't be happy together because of our differences, then I feel like we should let each other go. But we agree it feels wrong to do that, no matter how logical it may sound.

 

I don't have to figure it all out today.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes.

 

But I could not stop thinking about him after the breakup, and he said the same thing. When he came back, every cell in my body told me that listening to him and giving him another chance was the right thing to do. So I did.

 

Things are better this time around. We've both observed the progress, and we've gotten closer. He's already buying furniture and things for me at his house, because I've been spending more time there (I needed a desk, because I work from home). He wants me to move in with him, and his best friend talked to me on the phone and invited me to come visit him, his wife, and daughter.

 

Everything's falling into place logistically. But I can't keep rolling with this if I feel unloved and disrespected. No matter how much of a catch he is and how crazy about him I am, that's just not gonna fly.

[myothernic2]

Yes.

 

But I could not stop thinking about him after the breakup, and he said the same thing. When he came back, every cell in my body told me that listening to him and giving him another chance was the right thing to do. So I did.

 

Things are better this time around. We've both observed the progress, and we've gotten closer. He's already buying furniture and things for me at his house, because I've been spending more time there (I needed a desk, because I work from home). He wants me to move in with him, and his best friend talked to me on the phone and invited me to come visit him, his wife, and daughter.

 

Everything's falling into place logistically. But I can't keep rolling with this if I feel unloved and disrespected. No matter how much of a catch he is and how crazy about him I am, that's just not gonna fly.

 

If you are correct about him not being "in love" with you, do you think he's settling by wanting to be with you long term? What would be his motivation for wanting to move forward?

[Babolat]

Yes.

 

But I could not stop thinking about him after the breakup, and he said the same thing. When he came back, every cell in my body told me that listening to him and giving him another chance was the right thing to do. So I did.

 

Things are better this time around. We've both observed the progress, and we've gotten closer. He's already buying furniture and things for me at his house, because I've been spending more time there (I needed a desk, because I work from home). He wants me to move in with him, and his best friend talked to me on the phone and invited me to come visit him, his wife, and daughter.

 

Everything's falling into place logistically. But I can't keep rolling with this if I feel unloved and disrespected. No matter how much of a catch he is and how crazy about him I am, that's just not gonna fly.

 

Ruby and I have PMed a lot (mostly me). We are in very similar situations (though I am not dating my ex) and I am a lot like her guy (Conservative), and she is a lot like my ex gal (Free Spirit). We both see the good, what's really good, in our potential partners. Yet there are some differences. We are trying to appreciate the differences, compromise, accept, not judge, not jump to conclusions, yet these differences bug us. When the difference surface/pop up, it's easy to see them as an incident, an alert, to the bigger, which is are we compatabile.

 

My ex gf did something last week, that on the surface is trivial. And it took me a few days to figure out why it bothered me so much. I handled it well, which I am proud of myself for. After processing and thinking I now know it points be to a deeper difference in us, and it's another sign of that difference. It's not the she did XYZ, it's that XYZ triggered a deeper concern of mine, ABC.

 

Ruby, yeah, the no contact would bother me given the discussions you had before he left. I remember once when I was married, she went to Europe for 2 weeks for work. During her weekend in London I never heard from her. We were talking every day until then. Once we did talk, she said she was simply having too much fun and forgot about the time, then it was too late to call. Well, 1.5 months after she came home we seperated for good. That was not the reason, it was a trigger, an event, for deeper issues/reasons.

 

Your guy is showing signs of caring, missing you, trying to communicate, etc.

 

Though I miss my ex gf, and I enjoy her companionship, the sex, etc, she is an amazing woman, the good is great, better than any other in my life past or present...something at my core is telling me it's not right, something is wrong. She is making a lot of changes in her life, for her, and I am sure some for me. At her core though she is who she is, and I know that.

 

So, though your post is about his no contact, it's obvious this is a trigger for deeper "stuff". I remember the final trigger for me with the ex, the one that caused me to walk out the door; her entering a bachlorette auction. She later said to me, if our relationbship was healthier, stronger, we had better communication, that event would not have been the big deal it was for me. And, she was right. That event was just a trigger to the deeper issues and concerns I had. Just like right now, men buying her and her gfs shots/drinks in a bar, she sees nothing wrong with men doing that and her accepting it, though it does not make me happy, in the end, I trust her, it's not a deal breaker. It's a trigger though to deeper concerns I have about her.

 

And she too told me in the end I seemed detached emotionally, and I was. I was pulling away. I too was buying her lots and lots of gifts, especially near the end. It made her feel good and it made me feel good.

Edited September 4, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

I'm working on once more letting go of an attachment to any particular outcome.

 

You have said this before, and when you did, I liked it, it made sense to my situation. Though, after a year with this guy, you should be thinking about an outcome, a future, long term. In my opinion. You are not just dating after a year in my opinion. It's a time when you should be thinking about the future, not necessarily making marriage plans, but moving towards that to some degree.

[Babolat]

I agree, but I can't seem to figure out what it is. We obviously care about each other very much and want it to work. The thought of splitting up is just devastating to us both. But if I have to do it (again), I will.

 

I mentioned the possibility of counseling, because I just feel stuck. He said, "No, I'm not crazy. Only messed-up people go to counseling."

Wow, you and him sound soooo much like me and my ex gf. We even talked about counseling after 11 months of dating! And we always talked about how much we care for each other, how we both want it to work and how devastating a break up would be.

 

Her and I are meeting up after work today; she wants to talk since we have not really talked since our Friday morning talk. Not sure what she wants to say, though I am very very close to going NC, and I have told her this over text the past few days.

[Ruby Slippers]

If you are correct about him not being "in love" with you, do you think he's settling by wanting to be with you long term? What would be his motivation for wanting to move forward?

Yes, that's really the root of it. My impression is that he loves me but is not in love with me, and that's the missing piece. He hasn't used those words, but he's essentially suggested that's the case. So even though I'm crazy about him, I keep getting hit with a sadness that it doesn't seem the feelings are reciprocated.

 

We had a big talk about this when we got back together - and I took notes afterward, so I have it all here. He said he has stronger feelings for me than he's had for anybody before (which is good, I guess, but doesn't say that much because he simply doesn't have much experience).

 

He said he's not looking for some fantasy ideal, something based on infatuation, which is shallow and fleeting. He said his feelings for me are much stronger and deeper than any feelings of infatuation he's had before, and he'd much rather someone feel that way about him, as it would be much more meaningful.

 

He said he wants a connection on all levels, mutual support, shared interests and goals, intellectual connection, a family, lifelong commitment.

 

I told him I agree with all that, but the way he talks about it makes it sound like a business deal, with nothing romantic, sweet, or special about it.

 

He said I have a romantic, idealized idea of the perfect man, the perfect relationship, and that is unattainable. He said we complicate things by seeking perfection in everything, rather than enjoying the good things we have and making them work. This resonated for me, because even one of my best and smartest friends had expressed the same thought about me.

 

We discussed that this seems like a personality difference. I'm a romantic dreamer, and he's a pragmatic doer.

 

I went on to say that beyond just feeling like that in love piece is missing, I worry that someday he will meet someone he feels that spark for, and then what? He said he's not looking for anybody else, and if he wanted somebody else, he'd go after that now. He said once he makes a commitment, he will remain committed to his wife and family, and he would never betray that for a passing fancy.

 

I said this sounds like duty to me, not much fun. I think one's heart should be in it fully. I also said that I think that spark for your lover brings a joy to everything you do, fires you up, and that's what I feel for him.

 

Then I said I guess if he does someday meet someone he feels that spark for and wants to leave, I should let him go. He said, "That's the difference between us. If you met someone like that, I wouldn't let you go."

 

I noticed that he kept saying, "That's not the way I think about this. I don't look at it that way."

 

I get the impression that his primary goal in life is to be a strong provider - that means making good money. He wants to start his own business once he saves up enough to strike out on his own, and he's well on his way. I think his larger aspirations are the same as mine - to do well enough that he can give back in some big way. We've talked at length about our aspirations for this, and we agree we could both get much further in life with each other than alone.

 

I feel like he'd be a fool not to go for real love with all its wonderful, crazy whistles and bells. He's gorgeous, smart, successful, commitment-oriented - pretty much everything women want. And he attracts women like crazy - so eventually, he's bound to meet someone he feels that spark for, as well as has strong compatibility with. I think he just doesn't have the experience to know that the whole enchilada is possible for him. And he's conservative and practical, so he thinks it's better to make the best of what you have than keep searching for something which he views as elusive or even unattainable.

 

And even though I know I could have a very good life with him from a practical standpoint, and sometimes think I'd be a fool to let him go, I just have this feeling that I won't be happy without real love. I feel like I'd be far happier with real love and a humble life, than a practical love and every material thing I could want. Without love, that stuff is almost meaningless to me.

 

I've had that crazy love before - but there were practical problems getting in the way. When it comes to love, I haven't yet had it all.

 

I talked to my counselor today, and he said, "Everybody settles on some things." But this one? This one seems big.

 

Even though it's sad, and hard, I do feel glad that I'm closer to the whole enchilada than I've ever been. That's something.

[FitChick]

I blame romance novels for giving women the idea that drama is "real love". They choose fluff over substance and then complain about the men. Of course, when they find a man of substance,they still complain about him!

[xxoo]

I feel like I'd be far happier with real love and a humble life, than a practical love and every material thing I could want. Without love, that stuff is almost meaningless to me.

 

This I relate to. Strongly. In fact, I've lived it....poor, in love, and exquisitely happy We are far less poor now (solidly middle class! ), and still in love. With someone I loved less, all the money in the world couldn't make me as happy.

 

You won't be happy without it. You aren't looking for perfection. You are looking for strong love, with someone you can live with. That's not too much to ask.

[Weezy1973]

Chances are one person will be head over heels while the other person is not (even though they truly love the person deeply).

 

In the case of your boyfriend, it sounds like the temporary insanity that comes with infatuation is seriously unappetizing. This probably doesn't make sense to a romantic like yourself, but trust me, it is a valid desire.

 

What he loves about you is likely the fact that it is a practical, rational, choice. Even though that might not make sense in your world, to him, you are the perfect choice. And that's a good thing, I think.

[myothernic2]

Yes, that's really the root of it. My impression is that he loves me but is not in love with me, and that's the missing piece. He hasn't used those words, but he's essentially suggested that's the case. So even though I'm crazy about him, I keep getting hit with a sadness that it doesn't seem the feelings are reciprocated.

 

We had a big talk about this when we got back together - and I took notes afterward, so I have it all here. He said he has stronger feelings for me than he's had for anybody before (which is good, I guess, but doesn't say that much because he simply doesn't have much experience).

 

He said he's not looking for some fantasy ideal, something based on infatuation, which is shallow and fleeting. He said his feelings for me are much stronger and deeper than any feelings of infatuation he's had before, and he'd much rather someone feel that way about him, as it would be much more meaningful.

 

He said he wants a connection on all levels, mutual support, shared interests and goals, intellectual connection, a family, lifelong commitment.

 

I told him I agree with all that, but the way he talks about it makes it sound like a business deal, with nothing romantic, sweet, or special about it.

 

He said I have a romantic, idealized idea of the perfect man, the perfect relationship, and that is unattainable. He said we complicate things by seeking perfection in everything, rather than enjoying the good things we have and making them work. This resonated for me, because even one of my best and smartest friends had expressed the same thought about me.

 

We discussed that this seems like a personality difference. I'm a romantic dreamer, and he's a pragmatic doer.

 

I went on to say that beyond just feeling like that in love piece is missing, I worry that someday he will meet someone he feels that spark for, and then what? He said he's not looking for anybody else, and if he wanted somebody else, he'd go after that now. He said once he makes a commitment, he will remain committed to his wife and family, and he would never betray that for a passing fancy.

 

I said this sounds like duty to me, not much fun. I think one's heart should be in it fully. I also said that I think that spark for your lover brings a joy to everything you do, fires you up, and that's what I feel for him.

 

Then I said I guess if he does someday meet someone he feels that spark for and wants to leave, I should let him go. He said, "That's the difference between us. If you met someone like that, I wouldn't let you go."

 

I noticed that he kept saying, "That's not the way I think about this. I don't look at it that way."

 

I get the impression that his primary goal in life is to be a strong provider - that means making good money. He wants to start his own business once he saves up enough to strike out on his own, and he's well on his way. I think his larger aspirations are the same as mine - to do well enough that he can give back in some big way. We've talked at length about our aspirations for this, and we agree we could both get much further in life with each other than alone.

 

I feel like he'd be a fool not to go for real love with all its wonderful, crazy whistles and bells. He's gorgeous, smart, successful, commitment-oriented - pretty much everything women want. And he attracts women like crazy - so eventually, he's bound to meet someone he feels that spark for, as well as has strong compatibility with. I think he just doesn't have the experience to know that the whole enchilada is possible for him. And he's conservative and practical, so he thinks it's better to make the best of what you have than keep searching for something which he views as elusive or even unattainable.

 

And even though I know I could have a very good life with him from a practical standpoint, and sometimes think I'd be a fool to let him go, I just have this feeling that I won't be happy without real love. I feel like I'd be far happier with real love and a humble life, than a practical love and every material thing I could want. Without love, that stuff is almost meaningless to me.

 

I've had that crazy love before - but there were practical problems getting in the way. When it comes to love, I haven't yet had it all.

 

I talked to my counselor today, and he said, "Everybody settles on some things." But this one? This one seems big.

 

Even though it's sad, and hard, I do feel glad that I'm closer to the whole enchilada than I've ever been. That's something.

 

You definitely have some tough decisions to make. On one hand, maybe he does feel the spark but his behavior is as far as his actions can show it for his make up. It seems as if he didn't feel something other than you're good on paper, he would have walked away when you gave him an out. But on the other hand, it's kind of hard to ignore the feelings of "something is missing", especially with someone that's as logical and down to earth as you are. Might have to go with what your instincts are telling you because you seemed to have thought this out extensively.

[Dusk1983]

So every time you meet a new person that fires your brain up you're gonna drop your current one like a brick and chase after the new one until you notice that being in love is not enough for a relationship and chase for the next?

 

I firmly believe this is why most relationships fail.

 

Women usually tell their girlfriends "he changed" or "he stopped making an effort" but in most cases her brain just came down off the drugs. No chemical high? We're not in love anymore. It's just not working.

 

Women are junkies ruled by the next fix. It's as simple as that.

Edited September 5, 2013 by Dusk1983

[fanine]

I firmly believe this is why most relationships fail.

 

Women usually tell their girlfriends "he changed" or "he stopped making an effort" but in most cases her brain just came down off the drugs. No chemical high? We're not in love anymore. It's just not working.

 

Women are junkies ruled by the next fix. It's as simple as that.

 

And no men do the same thing in your view?

[Babolat]

I blame romance novels for giving women the idea that drama is "real love". They choose fluff over substance and then complain about the men. Of course, when they find a man of substance,they still complain about him!

 

I just read RRs last reply, and then yours, and I kind of agree. My ex gf reads a lot of romance novels, one every 2-3 days. She talks about the fanatasy relationship, the white horrse, happy endings. Sometimes I think she was stuck on this and when things were not 100% it bothered her. She came from a broken family too, which I am sure played into her ideal of the perfect relationship.

 

RR, you are the romantic type, like my ex gf. There is nothing wrong with that. By being with her I became more of that type, more affectionate, said saying loving things more often, figured out what she needed to feel confidents and loved in the relationship, and worked hard to give her that. I became more affection, more of a toucher, a hugger. And, along the way I changed a bit and I am more that way now, and I like it. I still tell her how beautiful she is to this day; she needs to hear it and that's OK with me. Your guy may not get that.

 

I am not sure where his level of love is, hard to tell without knowing him. In my case, I changed a littel for me, not for her, and it's become a part of who I am now. My next relationship, with her or somebody else, I will be more loving, more affection and I want the same from my gal. 2 years ago I would have never said that.

Edited September 5, 2013 by Babolat

[Ruby Slippers]

I blame romance novels for giving women the idea that drama is "real love". They choose fluff over substance and then complain about the men. Of course, when they find a man of substance,they still complain about him!

The only time I've ever read romance novels was when I was in junior high school and snuck them from my mom's bookshelf because I was curious about what was behind those caricature covers with the overblown "untamed vixen" fonts. I read a handful of them, found all the bodice ripping and muscle rippling boring and trite, and flipped ahead so I could just read the sex scenes. I got the message within 3 or 4 books and never touched another one.

 

So every time you meet a new person that fires your brain up you're gonna drop your current one like a brick and chase after the new one until you notice that being in love is not enough for a relationship and chase for the next?

I don't expect that divine high to last forever. That's the ideal, of course, but rarely achieved. But I'd like at least the initial wave of it. There are easy ways to arouse those feelings again throughout your lives, if you make the effort. But if it's never there in the first place, you're lacking the foundation to build on.

 

I am not sure where his level of love is, hard to tell without knowing him.

In his own way, it seems pretty strong, and definitely stable. He told me recently when I was feeling sad about something related to all this: "I think about you and miss you all the time, all day long." He told me he had left the office an hour early the day before, because he missed me and wanted more time with me that evening. But he didn't tell me in the moment he had done that - and he didn't even seem all that happy to see me, from my point of view. He was his usual stoic, reserved self, with that poker face.

 

I believe the OP's is in her 30's? The harsh reality is if she wants kids then the clock is ticking. Sometime women have to make sacrifices and determine what they are willing to accept and not to accept.

Yes, that's the situation. I'm asking myself, my friends, and all of you if I should make the business decision and stick with the good catch. It seems the sensible thing to do. But I don't want to set myself or him up for a lot of pain and disappointment down the line.

 

He always tells me to stick with him, he'll do his best with me and things will just keep getting better, and eventually I'll calm down and realize I made the right choice.

 

It seems he offers quite a lot, but the OP feels she has a 7-8 out of 10, but she truly believes she wants and deserves a 10.

I don't really believe in the concept of anybody "deserving" anything. Because if we deserve what we get, that means the homeless guy on the street deserves that - and I don't think that's true. My sadness comes from feeling like he views me as a 7-8, and not a 10. Ideally I'd be with someone I view as a 10, who views me as a 10. Isn't that what everybody wants?

 

I am criticial of the OP because of her indecisiveness. Instead of training to turn him into this perfect guy, she needed to either Leave and follow her gut instinct or accept him for him without overly hassling him. She has done neither and is now caught between a rock and a hard place with precious time being wasted.

I am critical of myself for the same reason. But I'm not going to feel too bad about "wasted time". I'm doing my best, and that'll have to be good enough. If I've moved too slowly and not been focused enough about love, I'll have to live with that.

 

You need to make a decision and have the courage to stick to it. "Sometimes we can't always get we want, we just get what we need"...You have a path in front of you that is branching in two directions. Its a huge decision, but it is a decision that should have been made 6 months ago. To me the OP is stopping herself from being happy by simply setting on the fence and 'hoping'. She needs to take control of the situation and back her judgement and/or beliefs.

I agree. I definitely see the big fork in the road, and I know I have to pick a path. I'm putting out all my feelers for clarity and direction, and paying attention.

[xxoo]

He always tells me to stick with him, he'll do his best with me and things will just keep getting better, and eventually I'll calm down and realize I made the right choice.

 

This reads as condescending to me. Is he condescending?

[Ruby Slippers]

This reads as condescending to me. Is he condescending?

Sometimes he is, but not when he says that. One friend of mine has commented that he and I are both take-charge types who want to be in control, and he sees us butting heads in that way. He and I both can be know-it-alls sometimes, I must admit - though I've come a long way in figuring out that I really know nothing.

 

I think it's easy for both of us to get people to follow our lead and do what we want - whether that's employees or lovers. That doesn't happen as easily with each other, because we both think we know best. I think this is something new and interesting for both of us.

 

But when he's telling me to stick with him and give him a chance to get better in time, he always comes across as determined, humble, and sweet. It's hard to say no to that.

[FitChick]

Charlize Theron and Sandra Bullock both adopted kids and seem happy so there really is no time limit.

[Woggle]

Do you think that deep you are a commitment phobe? It seems that this guy genuinely does love you. Men have a practical view towards relationships that many women just don't understand so I think that is where things are clashing.

[Ruby Slippers]

Do you think that deep you are a commitment phobe? It seems that this guy genuinely does love you. Men have a practical view towards relationships that many women just don't understand so I think that is where things are clashing.

Maybe I am. I don't know.

 

But I've seen you post dozens of times about how no man wants to be a woman's safe, practical choice - how that's just begging for pain down the line. Right? So I think you get it.

[Woggle]

Maybe I am. I don't know.

 

But I've seen you post dozens of times about how no man wants to be a woman's safe, practical choice - how that's just begging for pain down the line. Right? So I think you get it.

I know this sounds sexist but for the most part men don't feel like they settled if things are not some 24/7 romance novel the way women do.

[Ruby Slippers]

Charlize Theron and Sandra Bullock both adopted kids and seem happy so there really is no time limit.

I would prefer to have kids of my own. And on my own, I seriously doubt I could afford to adopt anytime soon.

 

But I agree with you that time is just a concept. I've always felt that if I don't find a suitable husband and father in time to have kids, then I just won't have them. I could have dozens of kids already if that was my top goal in life - but obviously it's not.

 

The practical side of me says that even if, worst case scenario, we get married, have kids, and it all falls apart in 5 years, at least I'll have some great kids and an ex who I'm pretty sure would be civil and supportive. But the dreamer side says I can do better than that.