Ladies: reasonable communication while your boyfriend is abroad?

[AverageCat]

EDIT: And honestly if you wanna break up with him for "JUST THIS", then you should definitely not be together. Stop being your little insecure self and grow up. Although I, myself would probably never go no contact for 3 days, I don't know how this could be so important as to make or break a relationship. People are not gonna tailor to your every need every time. Seems like you want the classical doormat bf.

[Star Gazer]

EDIT: And honestly if you wanna break up with him for "JUST THIS", then you should definitely not be together. Stop being your little insecure self and grow up. Although I, myself would probably never go no contact for 3 days, I don't know how this could be so important as to make or break a relationship. People are not gonna tailor to your every need every time. Seems like you want the classical doormat bf.

 

I'm assuming that this particular issue is a symptom of a larger problem.

[Treasa]

She did tell him it bothered her. And taking space to think isn't a game. It's literally taking space to think. I think it's perfectly reasonable. And besides, it's telling what his reaction is. Sometimes you don't realize why something you do bothers someone else until it's done to you.

[xxoo]

I'd expect some idea of when I would hear from him next each time we talked. How do the phone calls end? Is there a "talk to you tomorrow"?

[Ruby Slippers]

And taking space to think isn't a game.

Yeah, I didn't shut down the phone communication to punish him. I shut it down because I'm seriously considering breaking up with him, and that's nothing to talk about on the phone while he's in another country.

 

And yeah, this one incident isn't a big deal on its own - but it's another clear example forming a pattern, which is the root of most of our conflict in the relationship.

[BluEyeL]

I think you are definitely overreacting a bit. It seems the guy is not good with communication, in certain situations, and he's not likely to change. I would tell him I'd like him to be in contact more, but wouldnt break up over this. I admit I'd get annoyed and anxious as hell, but knowing that's how he is, I'd probably ctfd eventually.

[xxoo]

Ruby, do you think the problem is that he doesn't care about your needs, or that he doesn't understand and anticipate them?

 

Would it make a difference to give him some scaffolding, such as, "will you have a chance to call tomorrow?" Or similar with other issues?

[Ruby Slippers]

I'd expect some idea of when I would hear from him next each time we talked. How do the phone calls end? Is there a "talk to you tomorrow"?

There was at first, but the communication has been difficult all along - reception/connection problems, mainly. Sometimes I couldn't even hear him for half of the phone call, because the connection kept wigging out.

 

So I said I totally understood if phone calls were tough, given reception and time zones - but I'd appreciate a text or e-mail now and then. He said he'd do that, but shortly after that fell off the radar.

[lop98]

My boyfriend is moving overseas and I won't see him in at least three months... I expect one or two conversations weekly, definitely not talking to him daily, if he wants to send cute short messages, wonderful, but I've done that LDR daily communication thing before and had an experience that was a nightmare at best, for multiple reasons but mostly this... expecting constant contact and getting to a moment where one of us was too busy or, like in my case, both were busy for days, which tends to trigger doubts and results in loss of trust. When it comes to LDR t's all about quality versus quantity, I'd rather skype for hours once a week and talk about everything and try all kinds of things, with maybe some sporadic teasing every other day than subjecting the relationship to standard practices of a common relationship when the circumstances are everything but common.

[Treasa]

My boyfriend is moving overseas and I won't see him in at least three months... I expect one or two conversations weekly, definitely not talking to him daily, if he wants to send cute short messages, wonderful, but I've done that LDR daily communication thing before and had an experience that was a nightmare at best, for multiple reasons but mostly this... expecting constant contact and getting to a moment where one of us was too busy or, like in my case, both were busy for days, which tends to trigger doubts and results in loss of trust. When it comes to LDR t's all about quality versus quantity, I'd rather skype for hours once a week and talk about everything and try all kinds of things, with maybe some sporadic teasing every other day than subjecting the relationship to standard practices of a common relationship when the circumstances are everything but common.

 

Yes, but yours is a LDR and you determined what you would do ahead of time. He's on vacation and didn't give her any impression that he wouldn't be in contact, and it doesn't sound like this is the first thing about him that's bothering her.

 

I did a five-year LDR with my boyfriend before he moved up here eight years ago. We didn't talk every day, but there was no expectation that we would. And if one of us went somewhere and said, "I'll talk to you in a couple of days," that would be fine, too. Or if it was a freak reception thing but otherwise the relationship was excellent. But it doesn't seem like that is the case here.

[Treasa]

Wait... you're comparing NC when there's nothing wrong with NC when there's obviously trouble stirring?

 

I don't mind lighting matches within a proximity of more than 1 meter but less than 3 of someone else in the open air.

 

I do mind when people light a match near me in a room chockfull of organic solvents.

 

I guess that makes me a hypocrite that only realizes why something you do bothers someone else until it's done to me.

 

If you read what I said, you'll see I said to do it to be able to think, not to play games. However, if it happens to demonstrate to him what it feels like, and maybe he'll realize how she feels (or maybe he won't because to him it's not a big deal, in which case she'll see that he didn't mean to upset her), then that's just bonus.

[xxoo]

There was at first, but the communication has been difficult all along - reception/connection problems, mainly. Sometimes I couldn't even hear him for half of the phone call, because the connection kept wigging out.

 

So I said I totally understood if phone calls were tough, given reception and time zones - but I'd appreciate a text or e-mail now and then. He said he'd do that, but shortly after that fell off the radar.

 

Did he ignore emails and texts from you?

[Treasa]

The OP already has done it to him by basicly never initiating contact(by the sounds of it).

 

I think it depends on who's on vacation. I wouldn't really contact someone who's traveling unless I hadn't heard from them, expected to, and just wanted to make sure they were ok.

[Treasa]

If the OP had come and posted, "My BF is mad at me because I've been traveling and haven't contacted him in three days," I would have told her that she should contact him if she can. Small, considerate things are nice.

 

Maybe I'm just ridiculously spoiled because my boyfriend is amazing and thoughtful and the greatest guy ever.

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby, do you think the problem is that he doesn't care about your needs, or that he doesn't understand and anticipate them?

All three. He cares about some of my "needs"/wants more than I do myself - but on others, he's clueless and not very responsive.

 

I read this blog entry the other day, referred from another thread. And the summary of it was:

 

1) Let him do what he wants.

2) If you like it, stay. If you don’t like it, go.

 

There’s nothing else to think about.

 

Now, this contrasts with all that "positive man training" advice - sweetly ask for what you would like, give him a chance to give it to you, and yay, everybody wins. This is how we generally handle it when something's not working for me. Sometimes it works.

 

But then there are times when he doesn't really respond until it gets to the problem stage - once I'm sad, disappointed, let down, then cold.

 

Would it make a difference to give him some scaffolding, such as, "will you have a chance to call tomorrow?" Or similar with other issues?

I feel like I've been giving him plenty of "scaffolding" all along - but if he doesn't follow through even with that, I just feel stupid for even bothering.

[Treasa]

Oh, I read the crap you put out. But did you read what I post that her not contacting him is in no way equivalent to him not contacting her?

 

Ok.

 

(ten characters)

[Ruby Slippers]

He e-mailed me this morning, and it was a sweet and sincere e-mail. Telling me he misses me, he's thinking about me all the time, and he loves me. He asked me to write back as soon as I can.

 

It's nice - but I still feel like I just need to reflect on the situation.

 

Rationally, I understand that going a few days without contact isn't a big deal. I also think it's healthy to take a little time away now and then, and give yourselves a chance to miss each other.

 

But I think the way he handled it was inconsiderate, disrespectful.

 

I've told most of my friends what I'm thinking, and they're all chiming in with their strong opinions about what I should do. Some say dump him, some say they hope we can work it out because we seem so good together.

 

Whatever I decide to do, I have to arrive at that decision myself. I believe you carry forward way less emotional baggage when you make a strong, resolute, unwavering decision. So I can't be 99% sure. I have to be 100% sure.

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you, Mme. Chaucer! I love the seasoned married girl advice

 

It's frustrating and sometimes even angering, but I choose to accept it.

OK, I hear you. The problem is, when he lets me down, sometimes I have this strong emotional reaction. I can't help it! It's just the way I am! My next step is always to run away and retreat into my shell. I guess that's where I feel safest. Then he becomes reassuring, sweet, sincere, and methodical with his attention.

 

My point is that you really need to gain some acceptance about who this guy really is and what he's able to offer in that particular way, when he's doing his best. It might not be what you want in a relationship. On the other hand, it might be worth compromising a LOT about if all the other stuff is very valuable to you.

Yes, this is what I'm considering. The good parts are just SO good. When I think about breaking up with him, I tend to get stuck on those good parts, that seem so tailor-made, that I think would be very hard to live without or get over.

 

The not calling for 3 days is, IMO, a separate deal. When somebody goes away from their partner, it really is on them to keep up the contact and reassurance, I really believe. I think you need to just tell him bluntly that 3 days is WAY too long and you felt quite bad about it, and let him do with that as he will.

We recently had our 1-year anniversary, and it was almost the same storyline. He didn't GET what a big deal it was until I shut down. Hints did nothing, sweet suggestion did nothing, outright requests did nothing. It wasn't till I went cold and silent that he stepped up.

 

Now, when he does finally step up - HE STEPS UP. But it kinda feels like dragging a boulder up a mountain to get him to that point. It's tiring. So then I say screw this, let go of the boulder, and sit down. The lazy rock transforms into a strong charger and scales the mountain to the peak. I'm impressed, but resent the charger for being lazy and making me work so hard.

 

I guess I just have to figure out if it's worth it, or not.

[Ruby Slippers]

There has to be a different way.

I agree, but I can't seem to figure out what it is. We obviously care about each other very much and want it to work. The thought of splitting up is just devastating to us both. But if I have to do it (again), I will.

 

I mentioned the possibility of counseling, because I just feel stuck. He said, "No, I'm not crazy. Only messed-up people go to counseling."

[clia]

Regarding the issue about how you discussed things and he seems to either not care or be clueless … well, in my married life, I have come to accept a certain measure of this. My husband sometimes drives me nuts with the way he either "forgets" or conveniently lets fall through the cracks in his brain things that I have told him are important to me.

 

I laughed out loud because my boyfriend is like this, too. I get amazed because he seems to forget entire conversations we had. At first I got really annoyed with it, but now I just accept it about him because he has eight million and one other great qualities that I love. I also take the opportunity to tease him about getting older when he "forgets" things. (He's eight years older than me.) I just say "Well, if you aren't going to listen to me, that's what you get!"

 

Ruby, I don't believe that anyone out there will ever have 100% of the qualities that you want, or will never do things that drive you crazy or annoy you. Your boyfriend has shown you how he is about this particular thing. I think at this point you have to decide how important this is in the grand scheme of all of his qualities. Is it really a dealbreaker or can you learn to live with it?

[darkmoon]

once a week, one time from him to me, when I worked abroad later in life for two years, I called once or twice, to tell him what I would do to his tackle everything fell back into place when I got home

[xxoo]

I agree, but I can't seem to figure out what it is. We obviously care about each other very much and want it to work. The thought of splitting up is just devastating to us both. But if I have to do it (again), I will.

 

I mentioned the possibility of counseling, because I just feel stuck. He said, "No, I'm not crazy. Only messed-up people go to counseling."

 

Something that has helped us--

 

When I'm approaching my partner with my unmet needs, I make sure to ask him his concerns about meeting that need. Why is it difficult for him? Not in a sarcastic "What is your problem?" tone, but with genuine interest. What does he think about my need?

 

Often, his concern can reveal a misunderstanding. For example, you say that when your guy steps up, he really steps up. Maybe he doesn't understand that you don't expect that level of attention on a regular basis. Maybe he doesn't understand that what you're looking for is steady, lower level attention, and what that looks like.

 

Have you asked him how he feels about sending an email daily? What are his concerns about that?

 

Also, what were you hoping for regarding the anniversary? What kind of requests?

[FitChick]

Ruby, you need to sit down and think about the days when you were dating and how you had to deal with a lot of frogs, wondering if that Prince would ever show up. Do you really want to go back to that time?

 

If he were cheating, stealing money from you, screwing your sister, drinking, gambling -- those are problems worth breaking up over. This is merely a small obstacle to leap over. One of many that will crop up over time because you are both human.

[Bigcitydreamer]

He's amazing in some ways - beyond amazing! Given all his good and bad points, he's closer to what I'm looking for than anyone I've been with before. Which is why I'm still with him - and why I took him back in March after dumping him in January over this same kind of ****.

 

He's been much better this time around, but he's still letting me down at times.

 

I feel torn. On one hand, I try to be patient and understanding, focus on the positives. On the other hand, I think - I can't marry a guy who doesn't even get the basics like this one.

 

Wow do I feel for you!! I was in an identical situation with my current bf. we have been together over 2.5 years and he has worked 3 weeks on and 3 weeks off since I've known him besides the odd stint in school. He's is a remote area and works 12 hour shifts for 3 weeks and then comes home for 3 weeks.

 

I feel like its hard to answer this question if you haven't experienced it because you end up putting up with stuff you didn't think you would when it comes to long distance. My bf generally contacts me 2 times a day. Some times once but more so twice. He has gone a day without contacting me. The first time I flipped out and he just said he was too tired to call. I felt like it showed a pattern of behaviour I wouldn't accept. He didn't call me on "schedule" a few more times in our relationship. I used to get mad but with time I've come to understand that when you are away working sometimes you just get moody and tired and don't want to bother talking to anyone. Do I think this is right? Obviously not. It sucks but I don't know one girl who's bf works away on a constant basis that doesn't go through this.

 

My ex also worked contract work but in a different way. He wasn't in the pattern of being gone away. He would sporadically go for a month and then be stationed in town for 6 months. He always contacted never skipped a beat but he was also a douchebag player type so he had his flaws.

 

If your bf has been working away for a long time I'd try and cut him slack. It's helped me get over that issue. 3 days is a long time but fr what I hear of girls who's bfs work away is that I have it good so it is common for guys who work away to be like this unfortunately.

[fanine]

I think it depends on the dynamics of the relationship. I know personally i would not want my boyfriend to call me 'on schedule' as if it was some obligation. I would rather hear from him when he really wanted to contact me. Same the other way around too. I find it far more exciting that way and makes me feel more special as he is not doing it because he is obligated in some way.

My boyfriend goes away at times for work and sometimes it can be 3 or 4 days of no contact. It works for us though. I know he is getting on with his thing, as I am with him being away. Then when I get an unexpected call or email or text it is fun and something that will brighten up my day that little bit more.