Ladies: reasonable communication while your boyfriend is abroad?

[xxoo]

Ruby, please correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not hearing that this is about romance novel crap.

 

Would anyone here marry someone they felt was not in love with them? Anyone??

 

How do you know he's not in love with you? It sounds like, from the conversations, he's admitted it?

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby, please correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not hearing that this is about romance novel crap.

 

Would anyone here marry someone they felt was not in love with them? Anyone??

 

How do you know he's not in love with you? It sounds like, from the conversations, he's admitted it?

No, he hasn't come out and said that. But I'm going to discuss it in those terms very clearly once we talk - love vs. in love - and give him examples of things he does and does not do that tell me he's not in love with me.

 

The mediocre communication while abroad is one example. I don't think someone in love suddenly goes days without any communication, with no discussion or warning of that up front - and no apology once his girl tells him it was sad and disappointing. And this is just one minor example. There are many more, some that seem much more significant.

[Axee]

Ruby,

 

Girl, you have a smart handsome man who loves you.. and wants to be committed to you..

 

Why are you complicating things? Why are you discussing things with everyone?

 

Before you talk about him.. Are you committed to him?

[Ruby Slippers]

I know you've had questions about this relationship, but when he left, you were feeling basically positive about it, right?

I was on the fence. I knew I'd be OK and would handle things respectfully no matter what. But I was already on the fence.

 

You are talking about how he is not heady and romantic as you are, and you'd like him to be, but some of your analytical statements about him and your relationship with him such as "He's a catch and would certainly make at least a decent, responsible husband and father" don't sound romantic. Nor do some of your posts about "training" him to be the way you'd like him to be.

He's the one who demanded that I train him. He said he wants me to demand what I want, train him to deliver it, and "kick his butt" if he's not cutting the mustard. This was after a while of complaining that I'm too demanding.

 

At first, I had stars in my eyes and was flying high. But he kept dragging me down from the clouds back down to earth. He seemed hell bent on forcing me to look at the situation from a pragmatic point of view, rather than a romantic one. He was making the case that we make good sense together, whatever my dreamy feelings are saying. At the same time, he would remind me now and then that we shouldn't make this decision based purely on the business case, but should only get married if it's for the nebulous "right reasons".

 

He also acknowledged that he appreciates I'm really putting him and us through the wringer to make sure we stand up to intense testing - because if we don't, better to know that now than down the line.

 

Anyway, I think you might want to back off and let things settle for the rest of his trip. Try not to play anymore "testing" games, which I fear he's bound to fail. Just look into your own heart. If you have feelings enough for him to stay in a relationship with him, I hope you'll think about ways you might approach it a little differently rather than only ways he'd need to.

Definitely. He responded happily to my short, sweet birthday message, saying the day was unremarkable and my message was the highlight and the best part. Then he said he hopes to see me in his city this weekend. (We live 6 hours apart and have been spending weekdays in his city and weekends in mine. He's already talking about moving to a better place when his lease is up soon and browsing listings, so I have a better environment to work from home.) Typical - he throws that out 2 days before the weekend. Of course I already have plans and am certainly not going to drop them to accommodate him, given that he waited till the last minute to try to plan anything - and given what a let-down the past few weeks were.

 

I'm open to talking to him, but I have zero motivation or desire to go out on any limbs for him anytime soon.

[BluEyeL]

You live 6h apart and meet multiple times a week? Wow!! That's some effort.

[Ruby Slippers]

You live 6h apart and meet multiple times a week? Wow!! That's some effort.

The pattern lately has been that he drives to my city on Friday, we drive back on Sunday and spend the week in his city (because he has to be at the office most of the time, and I can work from anywhere), then come back to my city on the weekends and for any holidays or time off (we agree my city is way cooler than his, but he's there because it's where the work/money is right now).

 

He wants me to move in with him and brought that up a long time ago, along with marriage, but I'm not moving forward with any of that unless I'm sure it's right. So that's what I'm trying to figure out.

[xxoo]

Then he said he hopes to see me in his city this weekend. (We live 6 hours apart and have been spending weekdays in his city and weekends in mine. He's already talking about moving to a better place when his lease is up soon and browsing listings, so I have a better environment to work from home.) Typical - he throws that out 2 days before the weekend. Of course I already have plans and am certainly not going to drop them to accommodate him, given that he waited till the last minute to try to plan anything - and given what a let-down the past few weeks were.

 

I'm open to talking to him, but I have zero motivation or desire to go out on any limbs for him anytime soon.

 

Did you not know when he was coming back?

 

I don't understand. Where's the "we"? You are talking about moving in, but it sounds like you are still playing dating games, rather than planning a life together.

[heartshaped]

I don't think any of this has to do with loving someone vs. being in love. At the core, I think the issue here is that your needs aren't being met. He isn't as attentive and romantic as you would like him to be and the two of you have completely different world views. These aren't deal breakers within themselves, but I feel as if when I read through your posts if you stayed with him you would be "settling". You just don't seem content or happy with the status quo of your relationship and I'm not sure if it's possible for things to change enough to completely fulfill your needs or if it's possible for you to be happy with things the way they are.

 

When making relationship decisions I always ask myself could I be happy down the road if nothing changed. You cannot stay hoping for things to be different. The question is whether you can be completely happy with things the way they are.

[clia]

I'm finding the turn this thread has taken very interesting, because my boyfriend and I are the opposite of you two. I'm the pragmatic, rational, logical one, and my boyfriend is the romantic, dreamy guy. It makes me wonder if he gets frustrated with me the way you get frustrated with your guy. If he does, he's never brought it up.

 

So, I think your boyfriend sounds great!

 

I also find it really strange that you made other plans this weekend when you haven't seen him for three weeks just because he hadn't brought up seeing you yet. Did you think he didn't want to see you? That's very telling to me about how you feel about him, and I find it strange behavior when you are a year into the relationship. It feels like you are trying to punish him. I seriously couldn't imagine telling my boyfriend I had made other plans for the first weekend he got back after three weeks away. Talk about awkward.

[FitChick]

I also find it really strange that you made other plans this weekend when you haven't seen him for three weeks just because he hadn't brought up seeing you yet. Did you think he didn't want to see you? That's very telling to me about how you feel about him, and I find it strange behavior when you are a year into the relationship. It feels like you are trying to punish him. I seriously couldn't imagine telling my boyfriend I had made other plans for the first weekend he got back after three weeks away. Talk about awkward.

 

I found that odd as well. That's the sort of behavior you see when someone isn't exclusive and wants to play hard to get. She is supposed to be available for him since he is her BOYFRIEND and not just some random guy she is dating.

[CarrieT]

I also find it really strange that you made other plans this weekend when you haven't seen him for three weeks just because he hadn't brought up seeing you yet. Did you think he didn't want to see you? That's very telling to me about how you feel about him, and I find it strange behavior when you are a year into the relationship. It feels like you are trying to punish him. I seriously couldn't imagine telling my boyfriend I had made other plans for the first weekend he got back after three weeks away. Talk about awkward.

I came to say the same thing. It comes across as very passive/aggressive and game-playing...

[Ruby Slippers]

He said nothing about seeing each other when he gets back until 2 days before his return. And even then, there was no discussion or planning - just the statement that he hopes to see me in his city.

 

I find the idea of waiting around till he decides what he wants to do at the last minute, then jumping to give him whatever he wants - especially after the lackluster communication and poor response - well, absurd. And I can't imagine behaving that way and expecting a positive response from anybody. I would have planned all this beforehand - or at least brought it up sooner than 2 days in advance.

 

Given that he failed to make any plans, and failed to stay in touch very well while away, I genuinely have zero desire to extend myself by traveling to him this weekend. I also have no desire to see him in my city. That's a direct result of his failure to plan and communicate.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My expectation for a relationship that long would be to wait for him at the airport.

[Emilia]

Given that he failed to make any plans, and failed to stay in touch very well while away, I genuinely have zero desire to extend myself by traveling to him this weekend. I also have no desire to see him in my city. That's a direct result of his failure to plan and communicate.

Agreed and that's exactly what I would tell him too. I would make no effort whatsoever.

[Ruby Slippers]

My expectation for a relationship that long would be to wait for him at the airport.

My expectation was for him to communicate up front about the plan for when he gets back. I would have been open to just about any plan, provided he had bothered to make one.

[fanine]

Has he always been like this? The lack of planning, not great at communicating? My boyfriend is quite similar in these regards. But he was like that at the start and is like that with absolutely everyone. Is your guy like this with everyone else as well?

 

I did find this difficult as I am very much a planner and control freak type of person.

 

There were certain things I would not tolerate that I let him know early on. I.e. if we arranged to do something and he could not make it to tell me asap, there were certain things I had to plan (theatre tickets for example) and I would tell him the exact date and time and remind him the week before and he would make sure he could make it.

 

Communicating wise as well I would pull him up from the start if he ignored a message or call from me which needed an answer. I know when he is down he will 'disappear' in a sense, but he knows now too to just tell me when he feels **** and I leave him be without any questions, rather than him going completely silent on me.

 

When he goes abroad I will often not hear from him for a 2-3 days, but also I leave him to have some space. Then when we do catch up there is lots to talk or email about. Whenever he is away we never plan what we are going to do when he is back, if I am not working I will usually meet him at the airport and then we just take it from there.

 

His character is very spontaneous, that is the way he is and I accept that is the way he is now. It took time to adjust to, but as long as I feel I am respected, I am happy with it.

 

Thing is though from the start I made sure I made clear what I would not put up with.

[Babolat]

He said nothing about seeing each other when he gets back until 2 days before his return. And even then, there was no discussion or planning - just the statement that he hopes to see me in his city.

 

I find the idea of waiting around till he decides what he wants to do at the last minute, then jumping to give him whatever he wants - especially after the lackluster communication and poor response - well, absurd. And I can't imagine behaving that way and expecting a positive response from anybody. I would have planned all this beforehand - or at least brought it up sooner than 2 days in advance.

 

Given that he failed to make any plans, and failed to stay in touch very well while away, I genuinely have zero desire to extend myself by traveling to him this weekend. I also have no desire to see him in my city. That's a direct result of his failure to plan and communicate.

 

I get this as my ex was a horrible planner and would do this to me. I waited around for her, and, after a while got tired of it and would make my own plans, and then usually cancel those plans when she would just show up or announce she was on her way over.

 

It would be Wednesday, Thursday and I would have no idea if we were seeing each other that weekend sometimes. And when I assumed we were, she had plans sometimes, and never told me. She had a daughter, so I know that made it more of a challenge for her, which is why I kept quiet most of them time, but still.....

[Ruby Slippers]

Has he always been like this? The lack of planning, not great at communicating?

Some things he plans out in endless detail, way in advance. Some other things he doesn't plan at all till the day before. I can't see any rhyme or reason to his approach to planning. He sometimes takes great care with things that seem minor to me, and no care with the major things. Same for communication.

 

When he still hadn't said a word about seeing each other when he got back a few days beforehand, I assumed he didn't want to see me, so I made plans of my own. Since we live 6 hours apart, seeing each other is something we always have to plan, and always do.

 

I've never been OK with last-minute planning of visits that require travel. I have a cat and have to make arrangements for her when I'm out of town, in advance. He knows this.

[fanine]

I get this as my ex was a horrible planner and would do this to me. I waited around for her, and, after a while got tired of it and would make my own plans, and then usually cancel those plans when she would just show up or announce she was on her way over.

 

It would be Wednesday, Thursday and I would have no idea if we were seeing each other that weekend sometimes. And when I assumed we were, she had plans sometimes, and never told me. She had a daughter, so I know that made it more of a challenge for her, which is why I kept quiet most of them time, but still.....

 

I had this a bit too, but what I did was I never cancelled any plans I had already made just because he was free.

 

He soon learnt that if he did actually want to meet up, then he would have to communicate better. and he does...

 

Also I work odd shifts. I would tell him okay, I am not working tomorrow, or such and such a day etc. So if you are free we can do something. But tell me if you are not and then I will go ahead and do something with someone else. I was just always direct about it and he knew in the end we had to work these things out together and I would not be at his beck and call...

[fanine]

Some things he plans out in endless detail, way in advance. Some other things he doesn't plan at all till the day before. I can't see any rhyme or reason to his approach to planning. He sometimes takes great care with things that seem minor to me, and no care with the major things. Same for communication.

 

When he still hadn't said a word about seeing each other when he got back a few days beforehand, I assumed he didn't want to see me, so I made plans of my own. Since we live 6 hours apart, seeing each other is something we always have to plan, and always do.

 

I've never been OK with last-minute planning of visits that require travel. I have a cat and have to make arrangements for her when I'm out of town, in advance. He knows this.

 

I can understand your frustration then as mine is like this with everyone, something I only realised after a while. If yours involves that kind of travel then yes, some planning is required.

 

You say he didn't bring it up but what do you think would have happened though if you had said to him, okay what's happening when you get back?

[Ruby Slippers]

It would be Wednesday, Thursday and I would have no idea if we were seeing each other that weekend sometimes.

I established from the first month of dating that I require a little planning, and I've never bent on that. I told him straight out that if he wants to see me on the weekend, he needs to ask me a few days in advance.

 

We long ago established the pattern of planning our travel to see each other for the 3-4 weeks ahead. Every few weeks, we pull out our calendars and have another conversation about the next few weeks of travel.

 

It definitely stood out to me that he didn't make a plan for this weekend - but it was his trip, and I figured it was up to him to initiate the next visit. I'm sure he'll be jet-lagged and tired when he gets back. His actions told me clearly it wasn't a priority to him to get together this weekend, so I made my own plans.

[xxoo]

You can get swamped in the details, but if you back up and look at the big picture, you have a couple a year into the relationship, planning to move in together, talking marriage.

 

But he doesn't keep you updated on his trip schedule, and you don't assume that you will spend you will be spending the weekend together when he is finally back in town.

 

It's weird.

 

Add to that, you don't want to spend time with him, because you are annoyed by his actions. That's a huge problem. I mean, I get annoyed, but I want to get in the same room and hash it out! Get through it, and get back to the good stuff. It's a big problem if relationship issues (of which you have plenty) make you indifferent about spending time with him.

[Ruby Slippers]

You can get swamped in the details, but if you back up and look at the big picture, you have a couple a year into the relationship, planning to move in together, talking marriage.

 

But he doesn't keep you updated on his trip schedule, and you don't assume that you will spend you will be spending the weekend together when he is finally back in town.

 

It's weird.

Tell me about it. Honestly, given that something so simple has gone so wrong (once again), it feels like a lost cause. At this point, realistically I'm not expecting it to work out anymore.

 

Add to that, you don't want to spend time with him, because you are annoyed by his actions. That's a huge problem. I mean, I get annoyed, but I want to get in the same room and hash it out! Get through it, and get back to the good stuff. It's a big problem if relationship issues (of which you have plenty) make you indifferent about spending time with him.

Yeah, I know. I don't want to see him right now at all. Because I know he'll just try to minimize the problems, as usual, gloss them over, and they'll pop up again in another form later. So it's starting to feel futile.

[xxoo]

It seems that you both put yourselves before the relationship. I'm not sure if that is because of your personalities, or because of the relationship. But it certainly is a recipe for relationship failure.

[RedRobin]

Depending on how far away one is going, the number of transfers and so forth, it could easily be a day or two before you have much time to chat.

 

Is he the type to do a quick hello and be ok with that? are you ok with that? or is there an expectation that you be able to talk for awhile?

 

Edited: ok, I just skimmed the posts just above. Don't know what to tell you. There is no perfect relationship. Not sure why you need to wait for him to make a plan.

 

If you want a guy who does all the planning without your input or initiative, then you need to be ok with how he goes about it. You can't have it both ways.

Edited September 6, 2013 by RedRobin