Got advice from woman who leaves for OM

[stormywind]

A woman I know was married for about 15 years. Recently I found out she is getting a divorce. She has a new boyfriend already. It turns out, he was interested in her while she was married but they didn't have an affair.

 

I asked her advice recently on a guy that I like who is in the same boat. He is unhappily married and he and I are just casual friends--but if he were single, it would probably be more.

 

I was surprised at her telling me that she didn't think the guy I like will ever leave his wife. That made no sense because she was in the same boat and is now leaving her husband. I don't really know her all that well to ask her further what she meant so I thought I'd post it here.

 

I told her how sometimes he backs off from our friendship and I guess I thought I would get some insight with her as to why, since she was in the same situation--but all I got from her was that he would never leave his wife (she doesn't know him at all, btw).

 

Btw, I have a male friend who was in a situation in his marriage like this guy is, and he did leave his wife (and there was no other woman in the picture).

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think if someone is completely miserable with their spouse (and not just slightly discontent)…then they are more apt to leave that marriage before engaging in an affair rather than as the result of it.

 

My own father once explained that while the physical and emotional intimacy began to fade between he and my mother during the most difficult times in their marriage - that there was still something reassuring and comforting just knowing she was always there waiting for him when he got home. Dispite their differences, she was a good mother and a good wife.

 

Being an entertainer, he was always in the spotlight and had a plethora of female groupies and temptation gave way to multiple affairs. But while the young beautiful women "admired" him and stroked his ego…my mother "loved" him…for all his good and bad parts. The other women never got to experience the more unpleasant sides of his nature, nor would they have desired him as much if they had. But my mother stayed by his side and loved him through all of it. In spite of it. And she remained his staunchest ally even after his restless youth, popularity and good looks began to fade. They're both in their sixties now.

 

You see, the sexual affairs (at least in my father's case) merely provided a sexual outlet, and not a substitution for his wife or the comforts of "family" that he already had at home. Sure, he complained about my mother to his other women all the time. It got him attention and a lot of sympathy sex. But lust just can't compete with unconditional 'love'…at least, not for long. I suppose that's why even those who do leave their marriages for their affair partners, eventually try to go home again. Or the affair relationship loses it's appeal and fizzles out even faster than the matrimonial inertia.

 

Do yourself a favor, Stormy, and don't place your heart at the feet of a married man. Not unless you want it trampled on. It would be much easier for you to avoid the temptation now than to pull yourself out of the wreckage once you've become too emotionally addicted.

 

Please don't do that to yourself. It's not the kind of pain you or anyone deserves.

[Patiently waiting]

EnigmaXOXO,

 

You have got to be the most insightful person I have ever known. Why do I continue to accept this torment? I know "what I am" , but for some reason, in this situation cannot walk away. I am not like this in any other aspect of my life.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Not really, PW.

 

I've just got about 20 more years on you. You'll be standing here looking back over life one day with a whole new perspective, too.

 

Called the "school of hard knocks." We ALL eventually earn our stripes!

 

That's why I should have listened to my mother!!

[Patiently waiting]

Hmmmm.....sadly you probably don't have that many years on me......I wish I could use that as an excuse, I'm nearly 38 ! I guess although I may be old, I'm also new.....

[Patiently waiting]

BTW, you're not one of the Avalon kids are you??? I know some of them.....

[stormywind]

I think if someone is completely miserable with their spouse (and not just slightly discontent)…then they are more apt to leave that marriage before engaging in an affair rather than as the result of it.

 

(

 

Thing is, this woman I know wasn't completely miserable in her marriage. In fact, a close friend of hers had no idea divorce was even in the picture. Her explanation is that they just sorta grew apart. I'm sure it's also the fact that she had this guy at work giving her all this attention.

 

What makes me wonder is that she just filed for divorce a month or two ago and just moved out of the house 2 weeks ago and her and this new guy seem to be very much a couple already. I have a hard time believing that they had nothing going on beforehand.

 

What confused me is why she would think that the guy I know would never leave when she was in the same situation and left hers.

 

As I've said before, he and I are just casual friends and I am not waiting around for him to get divorced. I continue to meet and date other people. However, I don't find any that I feel that chemistry with that I feel with him.

[Sweetz]

Beautifully posted EnigmaXOXO.

[stormywind]

Being an entertainer, he was always in the spotlight and had a plethora of female groupies and temptation gave way to multiple affairs. But while the young beautiful women "admired" him and stroked his ego…my mother "loved" him…for all his good and bad parts. The other women never got to experience the more unpleasant sides of his nature, nor would they have desired him as much if they had. But my mother stayed by his side and loved him through all of it. In spite of it. And she remained his staunchest ally even after his restless youth, popularity and good looks began to fade. They're both in their sixties now.

 

You see, the sexual affairs (at least in my father's case) merely provided a sexual outlet, and not a substitution for his wife or the comforts of "family" that he already had at home. Sure, he complained about my mother to his other women all the time. It got him attention and a lot of sympathy sex. But lust just can't compete with unconditional 'love'…at least, not for long. I suppose that's why even those who do leave their marriages for their affair partners, eventually try to go home again. Or the affair relationship loses it's appeal and fizzles out even faster than the matrimonial inertia.

 

 

My comments in regards to your parents here are independent of the topic of my original post:

 

Your dad cheated on your mom multiple times. Meanwhile, she was always there for him. So once he started to lose his looks, he stayed with the woman that was always there for him.

You call that a good marriage??? I can guarantee you that there is no trust in their marriage. No--that trust does NOT come back. I can also bet that your mother has a lot of repressed anger.

 

Just because two people stay together---does not mean they have a good marriage.

 

Added to that---just because a couple "looks" happy, doesn't mean they really are. I've seen more "happy couples" file for divorce the next day than you would want to believe.

[EnigmaXOXO]

You call that a good marriage???

 

No Stormy. I wouldn't. At least not by my definition. But it is what it is. While I would not choose a relationship like that for myself, I'm a different woman than those from my mother's generation or my grandmother's before. While I have often felt empathy for my mother, I don't regard her as angry, resentful or weak. I prefer to imagine her as quietly "stoic." G-d knows, she has more patience than me!

 

My love for both of my parents is unconditional. Can't help that. And because of that love, I would never, ever deny my parent's whatever security, comfort and comradary they derive from being together…in spite of what it took for them to get there.

 

Resentments? - Sure. What couple who's been together for over forty years hasn't acquired a few? But it hasn't broke them. They were married at nineteen, and they're still together and going strong after all these years. And by the looks of it, they're probably going to be together for the rest of their lives.

 

So, maybe that says something without me having to?

[Mr Spock]

I don't find your parent's story sweet, uplifting or comforting. I find it depressing. And another arguement against marriage.

[EnigmaXOXO]

My intentions weren't really to "uplift" or "comfort." Merely to answer the poster's original request for some personal insight. I simply offered my own.

 

You girls can process it however you want. If I've accidentally opened some personal wounds, then I apologize. It isn't my intention (this time ) to insight any anger or resentment. Although I do enjoy it when people are inspired to talk, share ideas and experiences…however the methods.

 

You, of all people Spock, should appreciate that!

 

However, looks like I've worn out my usefulness on this thread so I'll leave you ladies to discuss. Whatever the outcome, I sincerely wish you all the very best.

 

Live well and learn!

[guest]

Originally posted by stormywind

 

 

I was surprised at her telling me that she didn't think the guy I like will ever leave his wife. That made no sense because she was in the same boat and is now leaving her husband. I don't really know her all that well to ask her further what she meant so I thought I'd post it here.

 

 

 

Btw, I have a male friend who was in a situation in his marriage like this guy is, and he did leave his wife (and there was no other woman in the picture).

 

I don't know any of the statistics but I would guess women are more likely to leave a marriage than men are in some cases. Each individual case is obviously different. If she said this maybe it's because of what you described to her about your situation. There are probably many more male "cake eaters" than female.

 

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I don't find your parent's story sweet, uplifting or comforting. I find it depressing. And another arguement against marriage.

 

I agree with Spock and Stormy Wind, the description of your parent's marriage is depressing, it doesn't sound very happy. The fact that people stay in a marriage doesn't mean they are happy in it or even that they love each other.

Although it could be that they worked through his continual cheating and resolved their feelings over it also, we can never know for sure what goes on on the inside of a marriage.