the other woman

[smile]

I myself am not in a long distance relationship but I am still kind of involved. Ok let me explain. My bf of 3 years broke up with me a few months ago. When he did so he was so erratic.. one day he loved me and wanted me the next day he wasnt sure .. he would get close and then pull away.

 

He found someone else and thats when I said adios. On the day that wouldve been our official 3 yr anniversary he came over. After being here for 3 hrs we talked on the computer a bit when he got home. He started mentioning how skinny I was but how I was still cute.

 

After that he started IMing me a lot.. it turned into cybersex I guess. It was weird because I assumed since he was home on friday and sat nights that he had no gf. When he started calling me and we had phone sex I started to think it was soemthing more. Everytime after we "finished" we would stay on the phone for hours talking about our relationship.. things that went wrong..things we were afraid to tell eachother.. and why.

 

Just the other day he mentioned that he was still seeing that girl. She moved away and they have been trying a LDR. I got mad and didnt want to talk to him. He called and cried and said he was confused and didnt mean to disrespect me. He never meant for any of this to happen.. right down to meeting her. He said he wasnt sure about their relationship and he isnt sure why he wants me.

 

I told him he needs to concentrate on her and its not fair that I get his sexual desires and his deepest darkest secrets while she gets the commitment. I dont want to be that exgf ya know? I want him back sure, but I am not willing to disrespect his relationship (knowingly). He says it isnt an open relationship and she doesnt know about this.. I said it had to stop.

 

He called the next day.. during his break and then his lunch. He came over for dinner and stayed for a long time. He lingered around all flirty and cute like he used to when we were first dating..not wanting to leave.

 

Here is why I am here. If he isnt actually having sex with me is it still cheating? I think so but I am asking those in LD relationships. I mean it seems to me that her and I are having the same kinda relationship. Seeing as how I only saw him a few nights ago for the first time in two months. The way everything else escalated was in a phone internet thing... the pilars of LDRs right?

 

I just want to be clear that I didnt know they were still together. I feel so bad being in the middle. I want him back but I want him to want me. I feel so bad... is this cheating? Is he playing her or me? Or both? He isnt really a bad guy and I think he is confused. But this isnt fair right?

[Cupcake]

Yes I think it is cheating. And he is playing you both, especially you!

 

I used to be in an LDR with a man who had an exgf he kept on the side without my knowledge. He would call her late at night, visit her, and God knows what else. I never knew about her until one day I discovered a card she'd written to him. In it, she espressed her love for him and how she longed for the times when things were easier between them. Clearly, she knew about me.

 

Everything went down hill from there. My ex was confused, not wanting to lose either of us. I demanded he chose between us. And she became upset that I was trying to get ALL of his attention, while she was at least willing to share him. It became an ugly battle, and I lost. I decided that I would never share, especially since he had lied to me about the whole thing. I realized that I never really knew him. Of course he shared his hopes and dreams with his exgf, while he was supposed to be commited to me.

 

But there is no commitment in these type situations. He was only commited to his own selfish gratification. After I broke up with him, he got another girlfriend to replace me. But I guess his exgf who was hoping he'd finally commit to her became upset when he didn't. She probably realized that he was just going to keep her on the sidelines for as long as she was willing to remain there. She dumped him too. And guess what??

 

He came crawling back to me. This time, he assured me that he had a girlfriend. But he wanted me to be the side chic. At first, I missed him so much. We had phone sex a lot. He even made promises to visit me since we are still long distance. But he constantly canceled those plans due to extreme situations with his girlfriend. He wouldn't even allow me to be upset since I knew this time what I was getting into. That was really it for me. I changed my phone number, email addresses, I even moved to a different location, just to make sure that I never have any contact with this man again.

 

What I'm trying to say is, although you think he's not really a bad guy, he actually is. How could you even respect a man who has a girlfriend and supposedly commited, when you know that he isn't really faithful to her? Trust me, he will do the same thing to you if he ever has the chance. I don't know why you two broke up. But he probably did the same stuff with some other female, as he is doing with you right now, while he was dating you.

[smile]

actually he didnt do the same things. we talked about that and other things. The girls he talked to I knew about and it was never more than friends. I was jealous and insecure.. but he was always so faithful. Until now which is why we are both confused.

 

I am sorry about what happened with you and your ex. And to tell you the truth that is what I am afraid of.

I dont want that to happen. Since I have known about her it has been only friend stuff... no flirting and no sex talk.

 

We broke up because I was going through a depression and I couldnt bring myself to seek help. So he left and I did. I needed it so bad at that point. Now I see things as I did before my family life spun out of control. We are talking about so much and it feels so good to have my best friend back. Sorta.

 

He also kinda had a nervous breakdown of his own. Sort of a "where is my life headed am I defined by my gf" sorta thing. He is slowly making it through and is ashamed of so much that he did when he was wacked out..

 

I dunno. I think you are right and I feel so bad. I am trying to salvage a relationship and I am the one who decided to end the sexual thing. Do I become the bad guy to her if I still want to be his friend?