My MM's wife finally found out

[Inovermyhead]

PW,

 

I don't know you, but woman, I want to THANK YOU on behalf of all wives, girlfriend's, SO's, that have been cheated on, or are currently dealing with a situation. I am not one to talk, because I am in a rather messed up situation myself.

 

Seriously though, if my ex's OW had left him alone and stepped away from the affair, our child more than likely (from what I know now) would have had his dad in the picture. He is a good father to his other kids, but ours never got a chance.

 

I know it must have been really hard to end things, but, it WILL be better for you!! Having been on the rollercoaster ride myself (stupidly almost boarding again), you will get over the pain. It really took strength to stand up for yourself and think enough of yourself to move on.

 

Could you pass some strength my way?

 

Again, way to go!!

[Patiently waiting]

Inovermyhead,

 

I'm not so strong....just tired of the bull----! If I didn't have kids myself, I would probably have committed suicide by now. I am currently now actively looking for a job elsewhere so I can just start over too. This is very scary for me as I have been at the same place for nearly 15 years.

But THANK YOU for the thank you.....it made me feel good, something I haven't had much of lately.....

 

Ok, Stillhurting, you are right....I am going to get my damn key back...He is playing games now, accusing me of seeing someone else because I did not call him last night before i left work to tell him what I was doing. Weds my kids are with their dad til 7:30 and we (me and MM) used to hang out. But by the time I left work, his car was gone anyway. He is freaking out! What kind of lunatic have I gotten myself involved with, I don't know.

Oh, and yes we went to lunch, in public, purely platonic, I SWEAR!!!!

[whichwayisup]

He sounds like someone who loves to have his cake and eat it too...And now isn't getting his way and is throwing hissy fits because HE is NOT in CONTROL anymore. Get your key back asap...

 

Hang in there. I've just read your thread and my dear, YOU are strong! Don't ever feel you aren't..Even during those lower days when you just don't wanna continue and get out of bed. Glad you have kids. They keep you on your toes!

 

Do find someone to talk to, a therapist or someone professional. There is nothing wrong in some help and if it will get you through this mess and emotional turmoil then go for it!

 

All the best!

 

WWIU

[Patiently waiting]

WARNING: THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!!!

 

Ok, here goes....

Today my daughter was home sick so i called MM to see if he wanted to hang out (as friends as agreed prev.).

If you read my prev. post it leads you into this one. He would not call me or return my e-mails this morning. I had no idea what he was talking about so I was def. curious as to what he conjured up in his head. Well, boils down to he was jealous and wasn't used to me not contacting him and telling him my every move. I told him, hey, you know how to dial a phone, you could have contacted me to find out what i had planned last night (which was actually nothing, but not the issue). Anyway, after he finally responded by e-mail (guess he believed I was telling the truth). He shows up at my house around 2:30 pm. Brings 2 mini bottles of tequila (cheapskate!) I drink them both Ha!!! He settles for the vodka I have in fridge mixed with pink lemonade! We talk a lot...I lecture him about being faithful if he is to stay in his marriage. We talk about lots of other stuff too but mostly about him and his "issues". We also talk about what it means to be a friend.

 

Well...all of a sudden he takes of his clothes, comes over to me and starts to unbutton my jeans. I'm like "what are you doing?? "He says "well, you know" then I say "Uh, are ya leaving your wife???" He says "no". I say "THEN STOP!" which at this point he looks at me in shock, but does stop. God, that was so hard for me. I mean this guy is gorgeous!!! Kind of the Richard Gere look, well the hair at least, beautiful grayish color. So, we talk more, I lecture more. Then later on.....(ok this is the graphic part) he lays down on my bed and starts masturbating and says "I'll just have sex for one then", "watch me". I say NO!! I get up, push his leg aside and leave the room. I come back a few minutes later and ask "are you done yet?" he says "no". I said "get up now and get dressed, I don't want you doing this in my house" "go home and masturbate in front of your wife". He says "no". I say "ok, then i will just go ahead and e-mail all of your family (mom,wife, brothers, etc) and let them know what you are doing right now" he laughs, I sit down at the computer, start pulling up a joke e-mail he has sent me as attachment once that was from his mom which had the whole familys e-mails in the recipient path. he says "stop, you're ruining this for me" (loses erection...) I say"good, cause i am serious" he gets up, puts clothes back on. Then starts saying "I just can't do it, can't be just friends with you, must be also a sexual relationship" I say sorry, nope! You are married, no can do! He says "well, then i can't see you at all" I say "you know, I thought we had a real friendship beyond that" Plus we work in the same building so why can't we still have lunch, aren't we friends? I ask him well what about the other OW you have had (like the one you say is just a friend and you get together once in a blue moon for lunch) OK KIDS NOW HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS........ He says......well, if she were more convenient I would be having sex with her too! OH MY F----ING GOD!!! Did he really just say that????? yes, he did!!! He said he couldn't resist the temptation. I said ya know, I'm not Christian but isn't that you are supposed to resist temptation to be a good person. It's like a 10 commandment too! Then I say....."you know, the ability to resist tempation is what sets humans apart from animals, we have the gift of cognitive thinking" Well, he just stood there, arms crossed saying he felt weird and that I wouldn't understand how he felt after I made him get dressed. I told i did understand.....( I know he felt rejected andhumiliated, hey I'm human) but it had to be said and (done).

 

So, we leave, I had to go get my son at school, he had to run home to the Mrs.'s. I say, I guess that means we aren't going to see BB KING tomorrow night then huh? (he had asked me earlier if i wanted to hang out Fri night). he said "No, we are not going". I say that is just mean, I can't believe you would throw away such a great friendship over this. I mean he is the married one, why should I have to suffer?? Bastard...

I am in my car at this point, he is walking away.....

 

This is for you STILLHURTING.......

 

I say "Give me my key", he brings it to me. I say "call me when your not married and we'll talk".

 

he leaves.

 

Oh, also want to tell you all that he mentioned that he and the wife went to the mediators house, but the mediator had left, "forgot" about the appt. Oh, and the mediator won't be available til after the Holidays (January) so they have to wait! What a crock of s--t!!! I say, get a different mediator, he says no, this is the one we decided on and were sticking with this one......Such, bull---t!!!!!!

 

So, me being the "hate to end it like this" type, I call him and leave a message on his cell.....

"I feel bad we cannot be friends, I do want so much more because I love you...but know that this is not the way it should be. If we are to ever have a real relationship, it must be pure" I hope you call me one day.....goodbye.

 

Amazingly......I wrote this whole thing and did not cry.....think I will now though.......He's an a**h***, but I love him......Damnit!!!!

 

3 days MM sober..........

 

Thank you ALL!

[Barby]

OK KIDS NOW HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS........ He says......well, if she were more convenient I would be having sex with her too! OH MY F----ING GOD!!! Did he really just say that????? yes, he did!!! He said he couldn't resist the temptation.

 

 

And you're suprised by this comment why??? Come on he's cheating on his wife with you, obviously by his own admission you're NOT the only one and probably never would have been even if he left his wife...you knew he had an ex "OW" before you so why are you suprised that he would have kept you both around besides his wife if he could?

 

I'm sorry for your pain but come on how can you be suprised by this? Why continue to contact him when he made his choice? Don't you deserve better?

[Patiently waiting]

She was a 1 night stand, she is also married, they met at a small business start up seminar a few years back. They keep in contact and mostly discuss business issues. Says he has not seen her in over a year, but I have seen e-mails between them, they are slightly flirtatious...more on his part than hers. He is the type of person that just can't let go of anyone.....he's a child. I know this. I was surprised because he had always told me that he really no longer had that type of relationship with her and that she would never entertain having sex with him again nor he with her. But just the other day he told me he blew off lunch with her (the first lunch they would have had in a year (he says) )to be with me. I was home from work that day. I was sorta surprised that he had not mentioned he had lunch plans with her until that moment, but said "hey, I don't own you, thank god I'm not your wife!"

 

I just thought (why I don't know), that since I had no investment with him and that we communicate on a higher plain that he could be honest with me as I thought he had been all along. But I am finding out he has "selective honesty" just as he does with his wife. I think I know more about him than any other person on earth, but I also believe he still has secrets no one knows.......

[Barby]

He makes you feel that you know more about him than even his wife....but he probably makes her feel the same like she knows more about him than anyone ever has.

 

I don't mean to sound rude or critical but he obviously doesn't have very much charcter and isn't an honest person so I'd be cautious to believe much of what he said. This goes for most married men cheating on their wives with "OW" how honest are they really with themselves and with others when it comes right down to it?

 

Anyway I think you're better off without him, but hey since you were willing to settle for a married man in the first place you had to have known something was bound to happen and that you'd eventually have to give him up.

 

He's a manipulator in a sense, you contacted him again thinking he'd call your bluff since you got your key back from him and turned him down for sex...obviously you don't mean as much to him as he does to you or he'd be more than happy to at least be friends...to have you in his life even if just to talk to every now and then. He's seeking someone to fullfill his sexual pleasures pure and simple, he doesn't sound like he's in it for the emotional things, that's what his wife is for....you were his sex partner...now you've cut that off so he's cutting you off! (at least that's what it sounds like from an outside view)

[Patiently waiting]

no, he doesn't have much of a relationship with his wife, they hardly talk (he says). In fact I think she knows nothing about him (as a person) anymore and probably doesn't want to know! She is seeking a mediator as far I know or so he says (read prev. post). He says she pretty much knows he has been f-ing around but approaches their relationship in a "this is workable" sense. Sort of a don't ask don't tell situation. I guess she is finally fed up though if she is planning on seeing a mediator. They do have 3 little kids so I can see how it is or will be a difficult decison for her. I went through the same thing with my H when I found out he was cheating on me. That's why I decided to only be friends with him. I don't want to feel as if I was a part of their possible final break up. He told me that if he was forced to leave (by her) that would be the only way he would. I don't want to be HER reason to kick him out. If she's gonna do it, I want it to be because she is just plain fed up with ALL of his shenanigans. He says she never even mentions anything about me, that to do so would give me too much credit. Well, good for her for being so level headed. I wish I could have approached my former situation like that.....but then again....I have that "extra emotion" gene and they just have to come out (in full force). I was a raving maniac when I caught my H. (although she isn't positive he is cheating cause she has never had solid proof, like seeing an e-mail professing love or anything). She has only seen us talking on my balcony. She either has lost the emotions due to exhaustion or just focusus them more on the kids from what I can guess, and also what he has said on how she is with her children.

 

About settling for a MM, I was new at this..... I was married for a long time and I NEVER would have even thought of cheating before my H did it. I thought he was unhappy like I was at this point, as he had told me he did not love his wife and they had not had sex in like a year. And in the beginning he never said anything about whether he would leave her or not as it was just not an issue at the time cause we had just started seeing each other. I didn't really take issue of it until I was leaving my marriage. Thought he'd follow suit, I really did! I mean, I thought, how could 2 people be so wonderful together and NOT decide to make it perm.

As i have said before in another post......I wasn't aware we were playing a game, I was in it for REAL!

 

Yep, you are right about the key thing...but I REALLY do want to be friends even though we cannot be more. The reason I know we can never be is because he always says to me "right now I can't be the husband I should be". I know that means that one day he is planning to try to shape up but that he is right now still sewing his wild oats so to speak. I have decided not to be one of his oats anymore, but I still do like him as the intelligent, educated, mind challenging person he is. I can rise above, guess he can't. He thinks more with his "other mind" if you know what "I" mean........

His loss......I just didn't want to give him the satisfaction of saying "You broke it off with me". He loves to be the martyr and not take resp. for anything. This puts the guilt right back on him for denying us a friendship.

[Patiently waiting]

Ha! he e-mailed me, apologized for being such a jerk today, says he wants to be my friend "unconditionally"

I knew he wouldn't be able to stand it very long. He can't stand to be the one to end anything. So now he's feeling all confident again cause I accepted his apology. I should have let him stew for a while, but yeah I'm a sucker for a pretty face......so to speak......

 

The tennis match continues, but where's the ball???

 

But I remain MM sober....on to day 4 !

 

(this no sex thing is killing me though, I'm just not used to it!)

[Barby]

So you've gotten what you wanted... Being around him...lets see how long you can remain un-involved in the whole affair. I hope you meant what you said about not wanting to be the reason that she kicks him out.

 

You mentioned that you would have never thought of doing this if your H hadn't cheated...well that me pose you this question...........

 

Knowing how bad you felt knowing your H was cheating, why in the world would you participate in causing the same kind of pain to another woman who had nothing to do with the orginal pain you were caused??

[Patiently waiting]

I have asked myself the same question......selfish I guess.

[Barby]

Well at least you can admit it....I'm not trying to "preach at you" or make you "do" anything please don't take it like that...but I find it disturbing that you'd opt to keep him around knowing there is temptation there....sounds like borderline obsession...

 

To see that sounds odd but I mean why do you want him to be your friend so bad? Is it because you want to keep him around just in case him comes to his senses and decides it's you he wants to be with? He told you over and over it wouldn't happen. I mean I know you said he's an intelligent stimulating good looking man but I'm sure there are many single men out there who are all those things and more that could give you what you deserve.

 

But anyway if you chose to live this way then that's on you...I can't see how he can be such a great man if he's telling you he wants to be a good husband but can't right now (you mentioned he has gray hair and 2 young children) how long does he need to "sew his oats" that shoulda happened in his younger days.....I bet no matter what he told you about his relationship with her, there is clearly things he's doing to make her happy and want to hold on...he probably plays the same game he does with you and who knows how many other women...telling each one similar things.

[Patiently waiting]

Ok, you are right about just about everything, you are def. giving me my dose of reality, and preaching? Hell, what do you think I'm here for?? If I didn't want advice or a 3rd party to show me what I cannot (or will not) see, then I would have been gone or never would have shown up. But what I knew and know is that I came here for a reason. I am unsettled.....I need to find some sort of way to have closure with my issue(s).

 

There is more than I have said actually going on at this point. I actually am seeing 2 MM, I will elaborate after this next paragraph. I know this is gonna get me a lot of hate replies, but I am being honest and trying to seek help. Please try not to be too harsh, but if you have to, then so be it. .

 

I HAVE dated other guys since my marriage broke up while i was seeing my MM. I tried the internet thing, met a few guys, dated a couple, didn't really have "it" for them. Most would just chat me up, and insult me with attempting sex chat, I think most of them don't really want to date, too lazy, cheap, I don't really know. (and these were single guys). I really don't get out much cause of the kids, but even when I do, I just don't seem to meet who I am looking for. I guess you could say I'm impatient and pretty much fed up at this point. But I think I am also somewhat confused cause I really am not wanting to meet anyone deep down. I am in love with someone already and that prevents me from seeking someone else with me being of pure heart. And I can't bear to go through the pain of not having the "one" I love, so that I can move on. Because that could take years or never, and I can't be messed up for that long and sustain the other aspects of my life as if I were not messed up over this guy. My whole world crumbles once the earthquake starts.

 

So when you say there many single men out there who can give me what I deserve, first off....where are these men, I have not come across any of them. I mean I'm not just starting out, I come with some accessories and I'm not in my 20's anymore where my choices would be way less limited. I'm not gonna date anyone younger or someone who is still looking to have kids, what's the point? Yeah, I have a lot of requirements but only because I have been there, done that and don't want to go through it all over again. I want someone who is already established, someone more around 40 to 45 and has a good job and isn't financially dependent on ME. Older than 45 starts to make me feel like I'm dating my dad, so based on my needs and what I am (not) willing to settle for, there's not much hope in finding a SINGLE guy. So I feel like why bother anymore, it's just setting myself up for more disappointment anyway. Perhaps this is why some women my age let their spouses cheat on them but turn a blind eye. It seems to be very common I am finding out. I just wasn't able to do that with my soon to be ex (H). It was ripping me apart inside.

 

Ok, so back to the 2 MM. I had met another MM at work, also mgmt. an attorney. I don't get much satisfaction in relationships with lesser educated men. I need the intellectual and well rounded stimulation that these men bring, as well as the physical part. They are both extremely good looking and brilliant! So, we (MM2 and I) started working together more often (we are in the same dept., but I used to hardly see him) and got to know each other during the time I was already in a relationship with MM1. We would hang out occassionally after work, MM1 did not know cause he was with his family at those times. Well, at some point, I introduced them because I was having a hard time telling each one excuses as to why I couldn't go to lunch with them on a daily basis. I figured, MM2 was a friend and he and MM1 would get along real well cause they were so much alike. We all work at the same place, they had some interaction in the past, but never really talked other than rare occasions on business matters.

 

So, it turns out, we become great friends. I do tell MM2 that I am involved with MM1 at some point (cause it was getting kinda obvious and was pointless to hide from him since we had all become friends) Well, that didn't seem to be an issue for him cause we found ourselves starting to become a 3some. At first I was reluctant, MM1 actually was initiating it, but I could see that it did make him kinda uneasy. So, a while later, I started actually seeing MM2 more often by myself when MM1 was not available. It helped me not to be so consumed with MM1, I really missed him when he wasn't with me. Well, things started getting friendlier and well, now I was hiding my relationship with MM2 from MM1 because I felt guilty. If I told MM1 about it, I knew he wouldn't understand that even though I was with MM2 on occassion, that we were on a strictly casual level, no emotions involved other than a "friendship with benefits" situation. God, I am a needy bitch......

 

Anyway, kept seeing both of them, loved MM1, but when he was not available I felt jilted so continued casual "no strings attached" relationship with MM2. Eventually, it became obvious to us that we were not your ordinary group of 3 friends. We had a bond on a higher level, we connected as if we had been friends all our lives. Well, one day we expanded our relationship........and continue to do so. I wanted to put a stop to it when I broke it off with my MM1 recently, which I actually did do for a moment.....

MM1 still does not know that I had been with MM1 prior to our "party for 3". I don't have the heart to tell him, he'd be devastated that I (we), kept it from him all this time. And up until the other day when I ended the madness, I continued to see both of them together as well as separately.

 

Except for today.......I had a relapse big time. I'm not gonna say it wasn't awesome, cause it was, the 3 of us are well...amazing together vertically (mentally, intellectually) as well as horizontally (well, you know.....). MM1 came over, things progressed, he called MM2 to come over etc.......

 

So MM2 had to go back to work a few hours later, MM1 stayed and we continued..... but then he had to go home at 5 (he is off on Fridays, I was off today). I fell asleep for a while, then MM2 shows up at my house about 6:30, we "got together", then he left to drive home. MM1 comes back over at 8 pm, we had plans to go out tonight (it was supposed to be just as friends since it was planned the other day). But things didn't work out too well in that aspect. So, before we go out we "get together". We get home from a great dinner and start to talk.....ooh, this never winds up good.......

 

Basically he explains that I am seeing our relationship (me and MM1) as legitimate when it is not. I talk of how we have been dating for so long, he says "we are not dating, we are sneaking around". I guess cause I am single and I never see him actually with his family that I just view it as he's just doing something else, like working, and that he lives in his own place and sleeps there. Denial, yeah......but i didn't realize it.

 

So after a long conversation about the reasons he stays with his wife (commitment due to many years of obstacles they have overcome, such as childbearing etc.), I ask, but "the way you are with me".....how could you allow yourself to be like that and be married to someone else. I mean, I just can't split myself like that.....

 

He says he doesn't know.

 

But, ultimately if she does give him an ultimatum, which is doubtful (I think the mediator was just a scare tactic like she "just might" kick him out, and they still haven't even gone anyway.) because either she is too scared to be alone (he is the only man she has ever had sex with), or (and) she has no self esteem (and actually does still love him too) , or like him feels committed to the relationship for "time and effort" reasons. They don't have sex according to him, they only talk about the mundane, but sustain a "workable" situation. Oh, except that he cheats on her........not so workable I guess.......

 

So, I ask him "what if she did say get rid of the girl (me) or hit the highway?" (ok, assuming she kinda knows....I'm still not sure what she thinks our relationship is).

He says he's not sure, cause that would mean she was a different person at that point. Not as passive I am assuming is what he means. I think he wants to be with her, but not with who she is. Does this make sense? I think I understand, but what that still makes me is the OW.

 

I think he would TRY to drop me altogether if she told him to, but she just won't do it as far as I can see, (again for the reasons above (I am guessing). He says he probably couldn't drop me like that but doesn't know what would happen assuming he couldn't. I think she would just probably tolerate it as long as he kept it hidden. "don't ask, don't tell"......... Which brings me right back to the beginning........

 

I think it's time I see a psychiatrist, I'm beyond needing just a therapist, I know pretty much what my issues are, regular therapy is probably not gonna help me. I'm really messed up. My life used to be so wonderful .....the american dream....WTF happened to my perfect life?? I miss it.........

 

Preach, yell, rant......do what you must......I know I deserve it........

[Patiently waiting]

BTW, MM1 gave me $100 this morning (he used to give me money all the time before I broke up with him a few days ago).

 

You know what? I think I'm a prostitute.......

 

But I love him so I don't think of it that way on my part.....

[gypsycat]

My two cents

 

1. You're really in an emotional mess at the moment...I think you need to find someone to take you out of the situation somehow and see if you can get some perspective. I know you've got kids and a job and that's tough to do but see if you can. I've been known to just pack up and disappear in my life, it's a very refreshing experience. Mind you I'm a wanderer and I can do it, most can't so I'm not saying that's easy.

 

2. I think you think you love MM1. I thought the same, now so many months down the path I didn't love him, I just was trapped in some emotional cocoon. He was a self absorbed manipulator and I got manipulated. I think you'll find if you find a way to get some space that you don't love him like you think you do. Frankly, he sounds like a real jerk. Sorry but my perspective but I totally understand how you see it from yours.

 

3. I don't have a problem with you having the 2 guys, married or otherwise and let me clarify that. I know that women out there blame OW for their husband's indiscretions. Well that's just bull****. The husband has control over his life and knows exactly what he is doing and makes his own decisions and should wear the consequences on his life of doing so. It's a copout to blame the OW. That said, OW shouldn't get involved with MM cause it's just a recipe for disaster. Ok I digress, I don't have a problem with the 2 guys so long as everyone knows what's going on, but make sure you know what's going on as well and why you're doing it. I totally relate to getting invovled with guy #2 to distract yoursel from #1. Been there done that, not at the same time though.

 

3. Maybe you should just try and look for relationships with men for a while but not necessarily be looking for a future. Treat them as friends, some stay around for a long time, some pass. Kind of cold I know but I've found it a great coping mechanism. I tell myself I'm not looking for anything, I don't lead them on that I'm looking for anything, I can't get hurt, if they're jerks it doesn't bother me so much as I'm less emotionally involved. Some I'm closer to, some I'm not . Point is no-one has unrealistic expectations, no-one gets hurt.

 

4. You're not a prostitute.

 

5. Take care of yourself, you're a mess and in a mess. I have this new mantra and it's cold and heartless but it helped me get out of this situation "there is absolutely nobody in your life who is looking out for you other than you, therefore take decisions that take care of you first and stuff all the others". I got in this ridiculous situation of I wouldn't leave the guy cause he'd be upset.

 

Look after yourself

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Patiently waiting ....

 

I think it's time I see a psychiatrist, I'm beyond needing just a therapist, I know pretty much what my issues are, regular therapy is probably not gonna help me. I'm really messed up. My life used to be so wonderful .....the american dream....WTF happened to my perfect life?? I miss it.........

 

Preach, yell, rant......do what you must......I know I deserve it........

 

YES! No preaching or ranting, but you are correct. It IS time to see a psychiatrist. These men are turning you into a sex toy!

 

What is going on in your mind (and in your self-esteem) that is willing to allow that? (That's why you need to see someone, sweetie. )

 

Your other option is to live your life as a 'Betty Blow-Up Doll'. Don't you deserve better than that?

[fanou22]

What I don't understand is why do you need to have a new relationship to end an older one?

 

I know it is addictive to be with a MM but you should take the time to find your inner self before you jump into any relationship be it with a single man or a married one.

 

Before you go to a psych., maybe you can start reading some of the self help books. Believe me they help.

[Patiently waiting]

Thanks for the good advice (and not yelling at me....). Any idea which self help books may fit my situation???? I will buy them all!!!!

[fanou22]

You can search on Amazon for books about "The other woman"

 

I read the review of "Single woman - Married man syndrome". It seems like a good book

[Ladyjane14]

PW, I won't get drawn into the semantics of the OW discussion. I have one set of beliefs, the OW's that post on this board have another. They won't change my opinion, I won't change theirs. So it's a pointless exercise to try.

 

I just DO NOT believe that your situation is the same as the other OW's who post here. While I think that there is a certain amount of sexual objectification in the dynamic of the extramarital affair, based on your last post ---I think it's TOTAL objectification in your case.

 

These guys are using you. This is NOT love. It's not even friendship.

 

I don't think any amount of self-help books are going to fix this for you. You need to find out specifically WHY you are a willing participant in your own sexual objectification. Please, go ahead and call that psychiatrist. If I'm wrong, you have nothing to lose. But if I'm right....you can take control of your own life again.

 

Good Luck, dear.

[Patiently waiting]

Good insight Ladyjane....

 

Actually I do know why I use sexual objectification. First, it makes me feel loved when a guy wants me as I want him, I crave the closeness and the feeling that for that moment, he is mine. 2nd, If my MM wants (or needs) to go home and I want him to stay, all I have to do is entice him with the sex. Men say that they find me mesmerizing, and I know it's true from my experiences. I really just want to be loved......that's what my MM says.... I think I know my "issues", I just don't know how to resolve them......I think that's why a therapist is not experienced enough and i need a psych.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Patiently waiting

Actually I do know why I use sexual objectification. First, it makes me feel loved when a guy wants me as I want him, I crave the closeness and the feeling that for that moment, he is mine. 2nd, If my MM wants (or needs) to go home and I want him to stay, all I have to do is entice him with the sex. Men say that they find me mesmerizing, and I know it's true from my experiences. I really just want to be loved......that's what my MM says.... I think I know my "issues", I just don't know how to resolve them......I think that's why a therapist is not experienced enough and i need a psych.

 

So, what you're saying is that you "use" it too? You must realize that you are comforting yourself with sexual empowerment.

 

The question then becomes 'why do you need to do that?' Particularly when you are at such great risk emotionally. Of the trio, it's YOU who is wearing her heart on her sleeve ---not MM1 or MM2.

 

If you're unfamiliar with how to get mental health services, do call the member services number on the back of your medical insurance card. They can give you a list of preferred providers in your area and outline what your benefits are.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Patiently waiting]

Comforting myself with sexual empowerment, yep, big time! Thank god I have a great medical plan. I'm calling for an auth. provider first thing Monday. You know....it just came to me.....but I think that because my step dad treated me more like his wife (ages 9-13) for the last few years he and my mom were married (you know what I mean about the "wife" part)......I have learned to behave this way. That to get and keep a man and make him love me, I must use sexual enticement. It was like my mom and I were in competition during that time of my life. She had just had my brother and I guess my step dad felt ignored. (very common, as my soon to be ex H felt ignored after my kids were born, too bad i didn't know, maybe he would have never gone outside OUR marriage for comfort) We no longer talk for other reasons now, (mom and I) but I know that is the "underlying" reason why we don't get along. I stole her husband! Holy s--t! We have not spoken in over 10 years. She called me a slut when she found out what was going on. (I actually told my cousin first, she told her mom, who told my mom). Now, I know I was a child and I didn't know what I know now so I don't think I was really resp. for their divorce. He was messed up, I know it was ALL him to make the choice to be a child molestor. (lots of therapy after their divorce helped me realize this). But I did get past it, and don't blame him, he was sick in the head. But what I did NOT realize is the effect it would and is having on me as an adult!!!! I'm more messed up than I thought I was! I think what I am looking for is to be the "special" one. The one that a guy would "give it all up for" married or not. Sexual enticement is the tool I use cause I am good at it. How much do I owe you Ladyjane?, your check will be in the mail today!

[Barby]

Yelling at you? Okay if you think so....anyway I feel really sorry for you and hope in my heart of hearts that you find help for yourself...Good luck!

[Patiently waiting]

I'm a tough cookie, don't feel sorry for me.......I'll be ok. I'm actually doing better already! Just getting it all out has been very therapeutic. I'm on the road to a happier and healthier me! And as for the 2 married guys, they can hang out together on their own if they want to. One of them just got a job elsewhere anyway and is leaving in less than 2 weeks.

 

Think I'll go to the Company gym at lunch from now on.......summer's just around the corner!

 

Thanks everyone