2 years gone in 2 months

[ZodiacET]

I've been reading around the forums, and I liked how helpful the people here were. I want some help - some advice...

 

My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me after our summer break (she went overseas to do an internship at a hospital there). Before she left, she said, "I think I love you." I understand "think" is the key word, but that was the first time that she said anything along those lines. I had told her about 3 months prior - we're slow... this is our first relationship. I've gotten her from not wanting a relationship, to saying she didn't think about marriage (after we got together), to saying the more time she spends with me the more she considers a future with me to.... that above spoken statement. It's been a very forward progressing relationship.

 

For the most part, our time apart wasn't so bad - we talked every day for the first two weeks. Then she got busier - even went on a mission trip (with little to no internet). At that point, I was annoyed that she wasn't making time for me - we hadn't talked much in about 2.5 weeks. I understand that communication options were scarce, but it seemed like she wasn't even making an effort. When she got back from her mission trip (still over seas), I was very insensitive and even happy that it was over. This... broke it. Being a doctor was her dream, and this trip was probably a once in a lifetime thing (I understand that NOW...). After that incident, she didn't really talk to me for the remaining 1 month. When she got back, the first thing she did was break up with me.

 

She was very nice and gentle with it. She said she didn't think we were right for each other - that I deserved someone more invested in a relationship. I was quite speechless... an hour after I called and basically begged - we agreed to meet up after some time. She went on a 2 week road trip immediately after that day, and I promised to not contact her - and I didn't. After she got back, I was able to make some sense and actually talk to her. Basically... I accepted her break up because I felt like I revolved my life around her and that pressured her too much. There were a lot of things, that I realized after some time apart as well. My jealousy (the biggest issue) got in the way a lot; after a certain point, I relied on her to fix it for me.... which I'm ashamed of. I put her a pedestal, as well... Did everything, always her way, very sacrificing.... but I'd always expect more from her. What happened this summer was essentially "the last straw". I figured I needed to be more independent. Above all else, I wanted to respect her wish for some time alone (we're both introverted - that and she said she wanted more time for studies). We hugged, kissed on the cheeks, and left.

 

And now...here I am. Now almost a week from our last talk, I'm... going crazy. I'm back at the university that we both attend. I haven't ran into her (and I doubt I will), but we've been everywhere together... Everywhere I go, she creeps into my mind. I've kept up no contact since our talk, but I'm extremely scared she'll forget about me. I didn't even ask when she got back to the university. More than anything I want to just meet her up at the end of this week to see how her first week of classes was.

 

I do still plan to improve myself... work out, meet people, play some sports, spend time on hobbies - and I have been. I do in fact want a "new me" - for both me...and her. I guess... would it be right for me to meet up with her like I wanted to at the end of this week (3-day weekend)? Her birthday is at the beginning of October as well... At the very least, I want it to be appropriate by then for me to do something nice for on that day.

 

To be clear, I do want to be back with her.... but I want to do it right. I don't want to continue being needy/clingy/jealous. I want her to forget that and see me in better light. She said the thing she always loved most about me was how nice and considerate I was, and I guess I feel like doing no contact is... not along those lines. I don't want to be friend-zoned either... so I don't know what's appropriate and when because as far as I can tell - she's very willing to keep me as a friend (she said she won't initiate contact with me, but will not ignore me...). She also explicitly said she still liked me....

 

I apologize for the ramble, but I would very much appreciate some words of advice - some outside opinions. Thanks in advance.

[MrE_UK]

Hi,

 

As hard as it is to lose someone, and we've all been there!, if she wants out and no more, then there's nothing you can do about it.

 

She isn't willing to be friends as she said she would not initiate contact, but she also said she wouldn't ignore you. Basically this says, "I don't want to talk with you, but I won't ignore you as you worry me." That's just not right.

 

What you need to do is text her and say, "I'm sorry for the way I was, but I realise I have some issues that need resolving. Of course, I will be considerate to your wishes. I also wish you all the very best for the future."

 

Then you need to go No Contact. And stay no contact. Just leave her alone. Believe me. Then get yourself into some therapy for your relationship issues, otherwise what will be different the next time you're with someone?

 

Jealousy kills relationships as it says, "I'm insecure. I don't trust you. I'm unsafe." Whatever you want her to do, she's not going to do as she is an individual, confident, strong woman - and that's good!

 

You were also obsessive about her. Base your life around you, and have many good things in it: a home, education, job, friends, social life, hobbies, girlfriend, family, positive and healthy thinking and behaviours, exercise, eat healthy.

 

When with someone, it's paramount you have your time together, but also time apart, time to do your own individual things, as well as things together. Have your own separate friends and interests. That's healthy.

 

If you recognise you have some issues, go get them fixed.

Edited August 29, 2013 by MrE_UK

[ZodiacET]

Yea... I guess that's a one way to put it - I become obsessive over time.

 

I would like to point out, though, that she was the one who showed interest in me first, but after some dating, she was scared to enter relationship (mainly because she had never been in one and wasn't sure what it entailed). I did not chase and force her into a relationship. I guess I was happy that she liked me and decided that I would try my best to be her "everything"... I really thought that was the way to go - at least to show how much you love a person. I wanted to be reliable... Perhaps I'm too naive? I definitely became blinded and lazy of underlying issues.

 

As for being friends... she said she wouldn't initiate, so that I could have my space. I did mention (during our last meet) that she had become my best friend over these two year. Her response was that she was really happy to hear that - that she would be really happy to have me as a friend. I, however, clarified and told her I meant it in a relationship sense... I do believe that that she'd like to be friends (please just take my word for it), but I don't think I could handle it. And of course, I'm still hoping for a second chance.

 

I have not broken no contact. I have fully set my mind on on fixing myself. I've come a long way (at least from the day she broke up with me), but it's a work in progress (especially now in such a nostalgic place). If you have any help for the jealousy... I would love it, since I agree that it's the worst part of me. It's a strange way of putting it: I trust her... but not other guys. "I'm insecure" best hits it.

 

I guess I'm just wondering when would be a good and appropriate time to actually contact her again. Maybe I shouldn't, but I'm still hanging on to the fact that she said she still cares about me and likes me... If all else does in fact fail, I would be willing to keep her as a friend as well (but only after I try again). Our break up wasn't bad - it was very civil and sad. Perhaps that's why I feel like something can happen again. Am I'm delusional to think we could be together again in a new (and hopefully improved) relationship?

[ZodiacET]

I overlooked a bit of the response, sorry.

 

The apology already happened during out last meeting. I bluntly apologized for my behavior this summer. I apologized for being lazy about my own problems. And I told her that her breaking up with me forced me to realize these issues. I told her that I won't ask her to reconsider our old relationship - that I accepted her break up. I told her I wanted to respect her wish for some time alone, and that I will in fact be making use of it for myself as well. However, I let her know that being with her still made me very happy. It's been a week since then, and I guess being so close yet so far (at the university) is really wearing me down. All the places and mutual friends....