After a NC success story, I really hoped I wouldnt be starting a thread for a while..

[drdre]

Damn it! I really, REALLY thought I was headed off in the sunset with the girl a love three weeks ago. Yet, here I am starting another thread today. Most of you are nicer than that but please dont tell me "I told you so".

 

For those who care, here is my original thread

 

So there we were, back together, sparks flying, legitimate excitement in the air about the endless possibilities for the future. During the first week and a half we couldnt hang out due to conflicting schedules but we talked a lot and made plans to meet my family (my brother was in town from Brasil so that was a once in a long while opportunity). We also made plans to meet her family in september, her mom invited me for thanksgiving and we talked about a trip together. For all I knew, things were going amazingly well and I was as happy as I have ever been and she also voiced how happy she was.

 

Comes the day to meet my family and she texts me asking if I was "sure" and "certain" that I wanted this. She didnt want me to wake up six months from now and realize it was more than I wanted. I reassured her I have NEVER been so sure in my life but that if she was hesitant, that we could TAKE THINGS SLOW (like many of you suggested). Her answer? "I dont want it slow. I want you. ALL of you" (if you didnt read the original thread, we broke up bc I wasnt ready for more). Keep her answer in mind for later in the post.

 

Last week we hung out a lot. We spend Sun, tues, wed, fri, sat and sun together. While I was in heaven to have so much time with her, I did feel something was off. The first night, before we slept together, she asked if I had been with anyone else in the two months we were apart. I had so I told her the truth. She then told me she dated a 43 yr old doctor guy for the whole two months we were apart and that she felt guilty about not properly ending things with him before getting back with me. We talked about how we need to make sure those relationships were over (which I had already taken care of the next day after we got back together) and moved forward. Sex was good but not like before. I chalked it up to the recent conversation but it stayed in my mind. The other days were a mix - some days were great, some felt off. Sex was definitely off including me not being able to perform once (I could not get the picture of the other guy out of my head). We still had a nice overall time and she sent me a text sunday night saying that "even if things are complicated right now, she still think Im amazing".

 

Monday night she had a talk with her ex husband after the kid mentioned my name to him. Not sure what all was said but she was super stressed after it. Tues she had a work meeting which included the other guy (they are in the same professional circle although they dont work together). That meeting and some follow up professional interactions between her, that guy and other work contacts on wed caused even more stress.

 

Today, she texts "we should talk later". I ask her if I should be concerned and she didnt answer for 5 hrs till she said to call her after work. I did and she starts the conversation with "I cant do this".

 

I cant possibly transcribe the entire convo which lasted an hr and a half but in summary, she feels like things were going too fast and she cant handle that right now. She feels she is not ready to bring another man into her kids life other than his dad. She feels like she never properly dealt with the doctor guy before jumping back in with me and that the fact that we have now both been with other people has "tainted what was once pure and innocent" and that she cant get brush that off right now.

 

Anyways, after begging, pleading, bargaining and reasoning with her, I convinced her not to make any decisions about us today after the super stressful last couple of days she had. I stressed that I had no idea it was going too fast and that I was more than happy to pump the breaks. I just didnt want to lose her. I got her to agree that I was going to give her a week of space and that we would revisit next week.

 

When we hung up I had so many emotions. I was angry. I punched my steering wheel till my hands hurt. Wtf! What the hell!? I asked her if she wanted to take it slow and she said no, now all of a sudden its too fast? She broke up with me bc it was too slow so I was trying to show her I was ready for a lot more! I had done everything she ever wanted before but now it's too much? If that was the case, why didnt she communicate that to me BEFORE making the decision to call it off?! I was sad. Defeated. Embarrassed. Lost. How can someone feel this way after all the love I tried to show her in so many ways. I had JUST introduced her to my family and friends, made it "fb official" and was so proud of her. She asked ME so many times if I was sure and she told me she was sure and now this? She said she still loves me and thinks the world of me but that soo many things have happened in our time apart that she thought she could brush it off but hasnt that she now thinks that love may not be enough for us to be together. She thinks timing has been one of our biggest downfalls. Ive read two relationship books since our break up in order to learn how to be a better partner to show her I was not just hoping love would take care of it all, I was actively improving myself for her.

 

So I got home and... Im embarrassed to say this but, I cried. I have never cried over a woman. Ever. I know many of you have been there but this is a first for me. Both love and heartbreak. After crying for a few mins I called my 5yr daughter and hearing her say she loves me and misses me (she is with mom tonight) made me feel better. I also talked to a close friend we have in common and she reassured me I had done everything right - had I gone too slow she would have complained that I hadnt changed. She reassured me that it was out of my control. She thinks my ex wanted "more" while I wasnt available bc it was easy but as soon as I decided to "play ball" that she got scared of how real things became. That made me feel better too. Once I got my sh*t together enough, I decided to post here and vent. This makes me feel better too.

 

Anyways, I love her guys. She is the first person I've felt this way about. This next week is going to suck HARD but Im going to give her space. I hope this is a just a moment of panic for her and that she will get past it and WE can get past it by taking it slow. I still think she is worth it but I definitely cannot afford to be tugged back and forth like this. So the question is, is there hope? Even if we get past next week, am I just setting myself up to being here again in another month? When we talk next week, assuming she wants to work through this together, is there something I can look for in what she says that can tell me it is "for real" this time? I know I may be grasping at straws here and this could be a "How long is a piece of string" type of question but I'm desperate and this forum is "the best friend I've got" on this. After perturbing everyone for weeks about my relationship problems when we were apart and finally "getting the girl of my dreams" back, I do not have the face to even call anyone to talk.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Andre

Edited August 29, 2013 by drdre

[Sparkle304]

I feel for you Andre. You've experience a lot of emotional highs and lows recently It's heart-wrenching and painful.

 

My honest opinion is that you need to move on. She is actively searching for reasons to break up with you: You're moving too slow; no wait for me; now you're moving too fast.

 

I think she was truly hoping that it would work out with you....that's why she met your family and friends. But for whatever reasons, she doesn't want to be with you. Very hard to hear that, I know. I think she is involved with this doctor and likes the excitement of a new relationship. However, she probably messed that up by getting back together with you.

 

Even if you resumed your relationship, I think it would eventually fail and you'll both be right back in this same situation.

[Sparkle304]

Andre,

 

Please LISTEN TO WHAT SHE IS TELLING YOU: "I CAN'T DO THIS". Any comments following that statement are merely filler and fluff. She's made her decision - twice now.

 

You're too good a person to beg and plead with her to stay. And besides, that only delays the inevitable.....that you need to move on.

[Simon Phoenix]

This sucks and I was afraid this would happen. I feel for ya Andre. This time though, it's time to go NC and not for a month. It's time for you to truly work on recovering for yourself. But whatever you do, do not repeat history and cave and send her an email. Both you and her need several months to decompress and reset before even thinking about doing something with the other one. You tried too fast and it didn't take. Now is time to remove yourself and stay removed. Best of luck.

[aloneinaz]

I also agree with moving on. How many times do you need to get rejected by her? Trust me, I got dumped multiple times by the same woman. I kept getting back with her and the honeymoon phase would end quickly and we'd be right back where we were and another break up would take place.

 

You need to worry about you. Clearly she's not the perfect girl for you. If she was, she wouldn't be breaking up with you multiple times like my ex did.

[swandive83]

Andre, I'm so sorry you're going through this... I know it must be extremely painful and frustrating. I have to admit, that I did something similar to what your ex did. My boyfriend (at the time) broke up with me and disappeared, and I ended up dating an older man. When things got shaky with this older man (seems that he was seeing multiple people...) I ran back to the safety of my ex and it felt amazing.... to him. I was a little hesitant, but he didn't pick up on it. After a few weeks, the older man had begun texting me again, and I unfortunately got back into the weird cycle with him, and had to tell my ex that I was taking a step back. This devastated him. <<< yes, I felt absolutely horrible, but I was caught up in some manipulation with this older dude... Anyway, I only tell you this for insight. I felt really badly for my ex, and I feel horrible for you too, for what you're going through.

 

If it's any consolation, the older dude dumped me via text the day after I threw him a bday party, and then sent my stuff via mail and moved on pretty quickly. And my ex and I did eventually get back together.

[anythingbut]

man, so sorry to hear this.

 

I've got to echo the sentiments of the other replies, for me mate it's time for you to move on from this situation. I certainly think you need to go NC for longer than the week that she has 'negotiated' with you.

 

It's clear she doesn't know what she wants; and I can't quite tell from what you have written whether or not she still has feelings for this doctor guy - did she give you an honest story of hat happened there? I kind of get a feeling from what you have written that she may still be into this guy, but that's just me. Whatever the case, though, she hasn't been very respectful towards you bro and you're a top guy who deserves much better than this.

 

I think you can see clearly that the omens are not good; even if you did meet up with her in a week's time, and she changed her mind, you're just going to be paranoid that this whole thing will happen again?? Not a great way to live.

 

It's going to hurt buddy, but for me you've got to go NC now for a while. Post up on here for support when you need it, but you absolutely have to show her that she can't take the piss out of you like this.

[JDPT]

I think you would agree that you will no longer subscribe to this emotional roller coaster she is forcing you to endure. You need to be very selfish with this one and start thinking about protecting one person and one person only, and that person is you. I objectively believe you took all the right steps. She wanted "full force" so you went with it and showed her that you mean business this time around. It's unfortunate that she became spooked out or concern with the future but that's quiet honestly something she should have diligently considered prior to contacting you and essentially wasting your time and emotions. Don't feel bad about what you did, you were a stand up guy and granted her wishes. Now it's time to implement NC as harsh as it may sound. It's time to move forward with your life, no need to keep running in place.

[drdre]

I did mean business and that is why it hurt so much more this time around. I spent the day talking to family and friends about it and I feel a little better today. Bottom line is, I deserve to be with someone that WANTS to be with me, no matter what the difficulty in logistics or timing or whatever may be. Someone who is into me in the same level that I'm into them. When one person is 110% in but the other is only 50% and on the fence about it, things don't work and the one who is fully invested only gets the short end of the stick.

 

I'm going to ride this week out. When/if she contacts me, I'm going to hear what she has to say, tell her my piece and move on. I may even tell her my piece first as to not give her the chance to reject me again. Either way, for me, it's important that I tell her what I think about what she did. Like you guys said, she should have really considered whether or not she wanted this 100% before contacting me and putting me in this "no win" situation where I lose whether I move fast or slow.

 

I think she is a great girl but I don't need this pain and agony in my life. I've grown a lot in this relationship and I've bettered myself so it was worth it. Now I'll be better prepared when another "good one" comes around.

 

Sincerely trying to move on,

 

Andre

[drdre]

man, so sorry to hear this.

 

I've got to echo the sentiments of the other replies, for me mate it's time for you to move on from this situation. I certainly think you need to go NC for longer than the week that she has 'negotiated' with you.

 

It's clear she doesn't know what she wants; and I can't quite tell from what you have written whether or not she still has feelings for this doctor guy - did she give you an honest story of hat happened there? I kind of get a feeling from what you have written that she may still be into this guy, but that's just me. Whatever the case, though, she hasn't been very respectful towards you bro and you're a top guy who deserves much better than this.

 

I think you can see clearly that the omens are not good; even if you did meet up with her in a week's time, and she changed her mind, you're just going to be paranoid that this whole thing will happen again?? Not a great way to live.

 

It's going to hurt buddy, but for me you've got to go NC now for a while. Post up on here for support when you need it, but you absolutely have to show her that she can't take the piss out of you like this.

 

We have a good friend in common that talked to her on the monday before she called me to end things. Our friend said that while we were apart, that my ex had talked to her about the doctor guy and that she said she didnt really like him and that he was kind of annoying. When we talked on wednesday, I point blank asked if this was about that guy and whether she was considering getting back with him and she said no, but then again, would she really tell me if it was? Probably not. Our friend said that when they talked monday, that my ex said she felt that I was suffocating her and our friend defended me by saying "I dont think he did anything wrong, he did what you wanted this whole time." and also advised her to talk to me about it if she was feeling that way. Instead, she just called to call things off. THAT bothers me. The fact that she never gave me a chance to address the issue.

 

Anyways, today was a much better day than the previous two. I still thought about her quite a bit but a lot of the pain, pit feeling in the stomach and anxiety was gone. Not all of it but most - a few flashes here and there. I also didnt feel like crying or anything today (although I did while talking to my brothers in Brasil yesterday). I would still like to be with her - I think she is freaked out by how real it got so quickly and if that is really what happened, I can manage and get past it. Before I jump back in though (if that time ever comes), Im going to have a serious talk with her about committing to the relationship and not bailing at the first sign of trouble. You wouldnt do that in a marriage and therefore, if we consider each other potential life long partners, we need to learn how to get past things. Right now, I have much more of the attitude of "If she is meant to be, it will be" than I have before.

 

In other news, she texted me this morning saying "My iPhone has a glitch". If you have not read my previous post, Im a Software Developer and during our breakup/NC phase, she usually used computer/iphone questions as a way to start conversations. I didnt respond. I felt rude not responding but I thought that since she asked for space, I should give her space. Her mom and grandma are coming in town today to spend the holiday weekend with her and Im sure she'll have some time to talk her thoughts out with them. Come next week, I think she'll be in a better position to know what she wants and if she doesnt, Im going to make the decision for her. I'll be gone.

 

Love you guys (bunch of empathetic, wise and understanding internet strangers)!

[Sparkle304]

I am very impressed by the way you are handling this situation. Please be strong when you communicate with her in the next few weeks. As long as you remain no contact, you hold some power (and that can lead to less heartbreak). I completely understand why you want to speak with her again. But just be prepared that the conversation may be a difficult one - for both of you. Please do not dismiss the hurt she has caused you.

[drdre]

So ex texted me at 2am yesterday... "Are you up?". I didnt respond. Then 10am this morning she texted me again "Ok well when you feel like talking I have something pretty important going on with my body". Upon seeing that I decide to respond with "You wanted space so Im trying to give you space. Im getting ready, Ill call you when Im in the car". Turns out that she says she is having women issues and wants to know 100% the truth about whether I was careful when I was with someone else (we had already talked about it and I told her I was). Her and I never wore condoms and she has an IUD but the doctor cant seem to find her IUD. She thinks that may be the issue since she is having bleeding for longer than usual. She also said she is going to the doctor next week. Since I was careful, I responded "I was with one person three times and wore a condom every time". I feel "weak" for giving her so much info and showing that my hook up was so short and casual compared to the 2 month relationship she had.

 

In one way, this feels like just one more thing to deal with and prevent a reconciliation. It highlights even more the fact that we were with other people which has been a biggie trying to get over. But yet, after this conversation some of my feelings of "I miss her" came back. Her texts also had a bit of a "bitchy vibe" which made me have even less hopes of reconciliation. I dont know what is going on with me, one minute I feel like telling her "Dont even worry about talking next week, Ill just mail you your stuff" but a minute later I cant stop thinking about how she is just scared and that talking to her mom and grandma this weekend will make her see that we are great and that we should give this a shot. I dont know guys... this sucks. Before this girl I was doing fine with the "no strings attached"/"Im recently divorced and Im not gonna date anyone seriously for a long time" attitude I had but now that she has put these relationship thoughts in my head, that is all I want. Something meaningful with someone and I cant help but want that someone to be her.

 

Dating sucks sometimes...

[Sparkle304]

Hmmm, personally I think she's making up the whole 'woman' issues thing. Why? Because she's playing games with you to see if you still care. So she tells you she's having health issues (to tug at your protective and caring side) and guess what? Because they're 'woman' issues, there's no way you can question it. Just my opinion........

[Simon Phoenix]

She tugged, you came running.

[JDPT]

This is so interesting. My ex also had something important to tell me the first time she dumped me and in between this separation I hooked up with another woman. She was also having "woman issues" and was subtlety making me feel guilty about something I was highly careful with and she had no way to prove. She also had a tone in her voice. I noticed that her objective was just to make me feel guilty about something I didn't do.

[flitzanu]

i dunno dude, i think this really stems back to the original breakup. i'm a pretty firm believer in once someone has made that mental decision, it's hard to come back from it.

 

she had those thoughts already, and that's ALWAYS going to be present in her head, and i'm no prognosticator but i don't think her heart is in this anymore based on her attitude and tone you've described.

 

you can 'want' this all you can, but if she doesn't...it's just going to stay broken.

[Simon Phoenix]

i dunno dude, i think this really stems back to the original breakup. i'm a pretty firm believer in once someone has made that mental decision, it's hard to come back from it.

 

she had those thoughts already, and that's ALWAYS going to be present in her head, and i'm no prognosticator but i don't think her heart is in this anymore based on her attitude and tone you've described.

 

you can 'want' this all you can, but if she doesn't...it's just going to stay broken.

 

This is definitely an extension of the original breakup. They weren't broken long enough for her to seriously reconsider anything. They broken, he begged, she took him back, but then it went right back to where it was right before it broke. And I think that's exactly what happened, she took a step back, realized she felt the same as before and boom, there goes the dynamite again. Pretty textbook.

[drdre]

I think you guys may be right... At that lunch, we got back together after I put my heart out there. There was no begging necessarily but there was also not any "regret" on her part per say, as in, "I made a mistake lets get back together" type of thing you guys said needed to be there from her part in order for it to "stick".

 

I think she genuinely wanted to give us another shot and I think she does care about me. I think she really thought that once we got back together that she would feel like she once did and the fact that we both had been with other people wouldnt matter but in reality, she never felt it and it mattered a ton.

 

Im slowly accepting that is is over. I changed my facebook profile picture today (it used to be us) and I have almost zero expectations for our talk next week. Truth is, she broke up with me on Wed and I begged her to wait and give it a week. There is really no logical reason as to why anything would change in such a short amount of time in which we are not even speaking so she can have space. As I type this, Im realizing how stupid that idea was on my part. I just begged her to wait to break up with me next week so I can have her as my gf a week longer? Lol. Idiot. I should have salvaged the last bit of self respect then and walked away with my head high (ish). Oh well, live and learn.

[Simon Phoenix]

I really don't get the point of having a talk next week. I wouldn't follow up on it and see if she confirms that she still wants to do it. If she doesn't, there's your answer and you don't have to have an awkwardly pointless conversation.

[drdre]

That is my plan. I'm not gonna contact her at all. If I don't hear from her, that's just that. NC. If she does reach out and want to talk, I'll hear what she has to say, tell her how I think it's messed up that she asked me so many times to make sure I "was sure" about this before giving this another shot when she herself was not ready but in the end, I know nothing is gonna change. It's over.

Edited September 1, 2013 by drdre

[drdre]

It's funny what a small world we live in sometimes. This past weekend I took my daughter to Lego land with a friend of mine and her daughter. This friend and I dated a year ago but even though things didn't work out, we remained friends and we do things w the kids sometimes. While hanging out, the topic of dating and relationships. Long story short, as it turns out, she went on a date last week WITH THE SAME DOCTOR GUY MY EX DATED! How crazy is that?

 

Anyways, my friend called me last night. She said her and the doctor have been talking and he told her my ex called him last week and told him that "she thinks she made a mistake getting back with him and that thing weren't working out". Ouch, that kind of hurt. At the same time I think it's probably best I heard that do can stop having hope. I want to say something to my ex about this but I know I probably shouldn't since it won't change anything.

 

Damn...

[drdre]

Think I'm gonna send her this:

 

I've come to find out you've been calling ______ and telling him you think you've made a mistake getting back with me. Since that's the case, let's not bother talking this week. I'll have your things mailed to you. Take care.

 

Thoughts?

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Hey pal...

 

So...you're going to go on rumor and gossip BEFORE you speak to this woman?

 

Your "friend" has an interest in this doctor so who knows if she is being 100% honest with you? Even if she is, who made her YOUR higher power in deciding to tell you this information? Guess she never heard of "mind my own business".

 

What you ex says to anyone is NOT your business. And going on gossip from a woman with a clear interest in this man, judging your gf based on said info is likely to explode in your face.

[drdre]

I trust my friend. There is zero chance she is making this up. I kinda want my ex to know that I know she was talking to the doc about our relationship while I thought we were trying to fix it. I don't think that was right. Don't you? Of course it stings that she thinks giving us another shot was a mistake but it stings even more that she went to him on this.

 

At this point I wanted to get in front of it and send her that message before she either a) reaches out to tell me she doesn't want to talk or b) we do talk and she tells me it's over AGAIN. I feel like this way I take back some self respect before I get rejected again.

 

No?

[KathyM]

I'm sorry you are hurting, but I'm going to have to go against the tide here and say that your girlfriend left you initially for pretty legitimate reasons. It sounds like she wanted commitment/marriage, and you weren't ready to take that step, so when she realized that, she left. You have now tried to convince her that you are ready for that step, but the problem is she can't get it out of her head that you were intimate with somebody else during your short separation from each other, and that is making it difficult for her to fully reconcile. It may not be fair to hold that against you, since you were separated, but for some women, they have a hard time getting past their guy sleeping with someone else during separation, and they do think it taints the relationship. It sounds like she wants to start off fresh with someone else now. It's very hard to truly reconcile after separation and if one partner has been sexual with someone else during the separation. I know a couple who have been married for several years, who separated for a period of months and both intended to go their separate ways, but ended up getting back together and are now happy together, but I know she (the wife) wanted assurances from him that he had not slept with someone else during the separation before she was willing to reconcile. Unfortunately, it is very hard to reconcile if there has been intimacy with others during the separation. I'm sorry, but your girlfriend is not in the wrong here IMO. She has been dealing with very valid emotions, first with her losing faith in your ability to commit when you stalled for so long the first time around, and now she is trying to deal with her feelings of hurt that you had been intimate with someone else during your separation. If she decides she can ultimately get past that, I think you should give her the chance to do that. And don't be hurtful to her about her wishy-washy attitude right now. She has legitimate reasons for feeling the way she does. I hope it works out for you. I would give her the chance to try to reconcile if I were you.