After a NC success story, I really hoped I wouldnt be starting a thread for a while..

[drdre]

Thank you for responding Kathy. I was in the same page as you. I knew she was going to have some hesitation due to my lack of commitment and I was ok with it taking some time to get trust back. I too felt weird about the fact that she slept with someone else - worst yet, she was in a relationship. Not just some casual sex like it was for me. Having said that, I was willing to work through it and do whatever it took to get past it bc I thought she was worth it. She wants to give up. I think it's more about her and the doctor guy than it is about me and the fact I slept w someone else. Of course deep down I wish we could work things out and I do think she cares about me, but as of now, she DOESN'T want to reconcile. We are only talking this week about the relationship bc I begged her to give it some time before making any decisions when she called me last Wednesday to break up.

 

I'm not in any way trying to be hurtful to her. If she had asked me for time or anything else in order to sort her thoughts out I'd been more than happy to work w her but that's not what she wants. I see me sending a preemptive message about not bothering about the talk as a way to save some face and not get rejected again. Not as a way to be hurtful to her.

 

I mean, what would you do?

[KathyM]

Thank you for responding Kathy. I was in the same page as you. I knew she was going to have some hesitation due to my lack of commitment and I was ok with it taking some time to get trust back. I too felt weird about the fact that she slept with someone else - worst yet, she was in a relationship. Not just some casual sex like it was for me. Having said that, I was willing to work through it and do whatever it took to get past it bc I thought she was worth it. She wants to give up. I think it's more about her and the doctor guy than it is about me and the fact I slept w someone else. Of course deep down I wish we could work things out and I do think she cares about me, but as of now, she DOESN'T want to reconcile. We are only talking this week about the relationship bc I begged her to give it some time before making any decisions when she called me last Wednesday to break up.

 

I'm not in any way trying to be hurtful to her. If she had asked me for time or anything else in order to sort her thoughts out I'd been more than happy to work w her but that's not what she wants. I see me sending a preemptive message about not bothering about the talk as a way to save some face and not get rejected again. Not as a way to be hurtful to her.

 

I mean, what would you do?

Oh, so you both have been intimate with others during the separation. And she can't get past that, and thinks that it may have ruined her feelings for you or somehow ruined the relationship. She'll have to decide if that's something she wants to work through. I know some women who could not get past that, and it did, in fact, spoil their attempts at reconciliation. Very hard to reconcile when there has been physical intimacy with others during the separation. Don't send the preemptive message. Just give her some space, and I don't mean with NC, and she will decide if this is something she can get past. I think you should keep the door open for her while she processes this. Right now, she is not sure what to do. Give her time and patience, and she may decide to invest in the relationship again.

[Simon Phoenix]

Think I'm gonna send her this:

 

I've come to find out you've been calling ______ and telling him you think you've made a mistake getting back with me. Since that's the case, let's not bother talking this week. I'll have your things mailed to you. Take care.

 

Thoughts?

 

Bad bad bad bad idea.

[drdre]

Bad bad bad bad idea.

 

Then WHAT is a good idea?

 

A) start NC now and ignore her if/when she tries to talk?

 

B) tell her not to worry about talking and leave the whole thing about the other guy and her saying it was a mistake out?

 

C) talk to her if/when she reaches out and get rejected again since I truly want her back?

 

D) talk to her if/when she reaches out and act as if I don't care/don't want her back?

 

E) none of the above, insert your advice here

[JDPT]

Think I'm gonna send her this:

 

I've come to find out you've been calling ______ and telling him you think you've made a mistake getting back with me. Since that's the case, let's not bother talking this week. I'll have your things mailed to you. Take care.

 

Thoughts?

 

I unlike the rest beg to disagree. If you have thought this message through than I'm proud of you as you are taking charge of you and your future. You are no longer waiting around for someone to make up their mind. She has failed you not once but twice. Once again I commend you for taking this approach it only shows once again that you are taking charge and in control and will no longer allow anyone to mop the floor with you.

[Simon Phoenix]

Then WHAT is a good idea?

 

A) start NC now and ignore her if/when she tries to talk?

 

B) tell her not to worry about talking and leave the whole thing about the other guy and her saying it was a mistake out?

 

C) talk to her if/when she reaches out and get rejected again since I truly want her back?

 

D) talk to her if/when she reaches out and act as if I don't care/don't want her back?

 

E) none of the above, insert your advice here

 

I would go A. If she wants to talk just say "I'm not sure it's a good idea" and then go silent. But don't make some sort of dramatic "I heard you said this". Use it as information that she doesn't want you back and fade out. Your preferred route is very teenage drama.

[drdre]

Just got confirmation from another source that she has in fact been calling him in what appears to be an attempt to "test the waters" and see is he'll see her again. How can I have this info and NOT say something to her? I want to say something so bad. I see your point though. Kinda. Guess its the choice between taking the high road or letting her know that I know what kind of person she is and what she has done. Kinda make her take responsibility and own up to it. She is playing both sides and that is not cool. She essentially has me waiting and giving her space right now while she tries to get a feel for the other guy. If she can't get him back THEN she is gonna give us another shot? That's not right. Plus I point blank asked her if she was considering going back w him and she said no. She is lost and confused right now and driving me nuts in the process.

 

Eff relationships...

Edited September 3, 2013 by drdre

[Simon Phoenix]

Just got confirmation from another source that she has in fact been calling him in what appears to be an attempt to "test the waters" and see is he'll see her again. How can I have this info and NOT say something to her? I want to say something so bad. I see your point though. Kinda. Guess its the choice between taking the high road or letting her know that I know what kind of person she is and what she has done. Kinda make her take responsibility and own up to it. She is playing both sides and that is not cool. She essentially has me waiting and giving her space right now while she tries to get a feel for the other guy. If she can't get him back THEN she is gonna give us another shot? That's not right. Plus I point blank asked her if she was considering going back w him and she said no. She is lost and confused right now and driving me nuts in the process.

 

Eff relationships...

 

She won't take any responsibility. She's not going to confess. She's going to talk around it. And you don't have to wait around -- I'm not sure why you are considering doing it. That'd be really foolish on your part. The "waiting around" solution is easy -- don't do it.

 

Just don't talk to her at all. If she presses the issue, then mention it. Otherwise, take this as the nail in the coffin and move forward.

[drdre]

I'm considering that too. The main reason I want to send the message was to "get in front of it" before she send me a message in a couple of days saying "look, I'm not gonna change my mind. It's over". This way, in some twisted way, it feels a little like it was on MY terms as opposed to another rejection from her. Feels like it might feel empowering to tell HER I'm outta here instead of her telling me. Again. In the grand scheme of things it won't matter, it's over either way. But maybe this will help me heal?

 

Maybe its stupid but Does that Make ANY sense?

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm considering that too. The main reason I want to send the message was to "get in front of it" before she send me a message in a couple of days saying "look, I'm not gonna change my mind. It's over". This way, in some twisted way, it feels a little like it was on MY terms as opposed to another rejection from her. Feels like it might feel empowering to tell HER I'm outta here instead of her telling me. Again. In the grand scheme of things it won't matter, it's over either way. But maybe this will help me heal?

 

Maybe its stupid but Does that Make ANY sense?

 

Not really. If you really want to have power, just go "OK, cool. See ya" if she comes at you like that. That'll screw her up more than you trying to get in front of the message. Otherwise, contacting her is pointless. You don't get points for being the first to break up. This isn't high school.

[todreaminblue]

i feel she has run tendencies extending through to commitment, sounds like her ex is also giving her a hard time...which forced her into rethinking.....and wanting to go slow that's my opinion.......i think you havent done anything wrong at all...she does have issues and i would think the ex may be a big part......if the ex isnt supportive of you with her and is fighting her on it, you are in for a battle be ready fro that, maybe she knows that and wants to sort that out and take it slow with you while makign sure th eex doesnt overstep his mark .....i am sorry this happened to you.....and i hope things work out for you and for her....deb

[JDPT]

You already know the type of person she turned out to be. Who says she will even contact you? No need to move forward with the silliness or take the energy to formulate a response. You went from being THE guy to being the OTHER guy. Let bygones be bygones.

[flitzanu]

i'm with the others here, man. she isn't going to fess up or admit to any wrong doing. best bet now is to drop any drama or guilt trips and just be like "kbye".

 

i tried that on my ex too when i knew she was seeing someone else while trying to "work us out". i even ran into her at a large event after our breakup and she was with that guy, and screamed at me that he isn't her boyfriend.

 

it was painfully obvious he was, and was said to many other people that he is her bf, but she lied to me when he was 10 feet away saying she wasn't dating him.

 

your ex isn't going to take responsibility and she'll just blameshift and turn it on you for something.

[drdre]

Guess who decided to text me just "hey" at 7:30am this morning...

 

I ended up taking the advice of NOT sending anything to her but I don't think I'm gonna answer to this either. If she cares enough to "talk" (something I don't even care to do anymore really since I've realized nothing is gonna change), she'll need to try harder than that.

[JDPT]

She doesn't need to try any harder or any less. I'm not certain how much "proof" you require to understand the type of person she is. She clearly likes to be in control by keeping you around while she attempts to work things out with the other guy when in reality she should be attempting her hardest to work things out with your but that's now in the past. She has walked all over you long enough, I can only suggest to not allow it any further but of course you will make the call whether you are willing to submit to more emotional abuse.

Edited September 5, 2013 by JDPT

[drdre]

I agree and I've decided I'm done with the abuse. I dont need anymore proof. Having said that, we have a lot of friends in common. Including my best friend and his fiancé so at some point her and i should probably have a mature conversation and put all of this behind us. I truly don't care anymore to have a conversation about "us" with her. I'm done and I'm actually feeling a LOT better. Thinking less and less about her each day and really feeling like I'm moving on. I just meant that IF, this was her trying to talk to explain herself or say her peace or whatever the reason is that she is reaching out for, that she would have to do better than "hey". I'm not following for that weak ass $hit anymore.

 

Ps - JDPT, fitz, sparkle, aloneinaz, Simon and everyone else, thanks for hanging in this thread with me for so long. It really made a difference.

[StrongLass]

I agree and I've decided I'm done with the abuse. I dont need anymore proof. Having said that, we have a lot of friends in common. Including my best friend and his fiancé so at some point her and i should probably have a mature conversation and put all of this behind us. I truly don't care anymore to have a conversation about "us" with her. I'm done and I'm actually feeling a LOT better. Thinking less and less about her each day and really feeling like I'm moving on. I just meant that IF, this was her trying to talk to explain herself or say her peace or whatever the reason is that she is reaching out for, that she would have to do better than "hey". I'm not following for that weak ass $hit anymore.

 

Ps - JDPT, fitz, sparkle, aloneinaz, Simon and everyone else, thanks for hanging in this thread with me for so long. It really made a difference.

 

I'm glad to hear you're getting off the roller coaster for good. Apparently I dated the male version of your ex once so I know how difficult it can be to end the lingering bull$hit.

 

Judging by all the effort you were willing to put into making things work you can DEFINITELY do better than that chick

[flitzanu]

I agree and I've decided I'm done with the abuse. I dont need anymore proof. Having said that, we have a lot of friends in common. Including my best friend and his fiancé so at some point her and i should probably have a mature conversation and put all of this behind us. I truly don't care anymore to have a conversation about "us" with her. I'm done and I'm actually feeling a LOT better. Thinking less and less about her each day and really feeling like I'm moving on. I just meant that IF, this was her trying to talk to explain herself or say her peace or whatever the reason is that she is reaching out for, that she would have to do better than "hey". I'm not following for that weak ass $hit anymore.

 

Ps - JDPT, fitz, sparkle, aloneinaz, Simon and everyone else, thanks for hanging in this thread with me for so long. It really made a difference.

 

i'm always here to slap sense into you.

[drdre]

Today while cleaning the house, I decided to box up her things that were left here so I can give them to a mutual friend. I have to say, while doing so, some of my "Im done with her" resolve wavered a bit. When boxing clothes and underwear, I couldnt help but picture her in it. When it came to items that I had bought a matching set for her and I, the thoughts were... Do I give her both of them? Do I give her just hers? Giving her both felt like giving her a part of me. Keeping mine felt like a bad idea since I know it will remind me of her later. I know. Stupid.

 

I've been doing really good and really feeling like Im starting to move on. The other day when she texted "Hey", she also called later that day and texted afterwards to let me know she tried calling me (I didnt answer). I didnt feel like replying at all. The following day, I actually work up really happy - Im talking, putting some music on while getting ready, pumped up to take on the day, I even bought the person behind me in the drive thru their starbucks I was so happy! So no need to panic, I'm not about to do anything stupid. Just got a little sad.

 

Anyways, thought I'd post here to get some of my resolve back. You guys have a way of doing so.

 

Keeping on keeping on.

 

Dre

 

PS - I did write her a note and put it at the bottom of the box. It says: "I love you, best wishes and I hope you find what you are looking for". I thought it was a good way to end this chapter. Thats not bad is it?

[flitzanu]

the note indicates you're still hanging by a string.

[JDPT]

You are doing good man. Never mind the note, you are doing well. I thin you are ready to move forward full force with your life. Fawk me once haha...fawk me twice no no! You have a good head on your shoulders and see that you have systematically understood the past and brought yourself to the future to internalize reality. Keep moving forward there is no turning back from this.

[drdre]

After two missed calls (I actually didn't have my phone on me), I got this:

 

I'm hoping your just busy getting Gabi to bed & not intentionally avoiding my call. This will be the second time I've tried calling you. I'm sure you are beyond upset with me so I'm just going to drop it. I guess if there comes a time you want to talk about it I'm always ok with that.

 

Not sure if the time will wver come. Staying strong guys, staying strong.

[JDPT]

So now she wants you to chase her again huh?

[drdre]

Who knows man... B#*%$ be cray...

 

PS - I in no way think all women are crazy. Certainly this one though.

[Simon Phoenix]

Today while cleaning the house, I decided to box up her things that were left here so I can give them to a mutual friend. I have to say, while doing so, some of my "Im done with her" resolve wavered a bit. When boxing clothes and underwear, I couldnt help but picture her in it. When it came to items that I had bought a matching set for her and I, the thoughts were... Do I give her both of them? Do I give her just hers? Giving her both felt like giving her a part of me. Keeping mine felt like a bad idea since I know it will remind me of her later. I know. Stupid.

 

I've been doing really good and really feeling like Im starting to move on. The other day when she texted "Hey", she also called later that day and texted afterwards to let me know she tried calling me (I didnt answer). I didnt feel like replying at all. The following day, I actually work up really happy - Im talking, putting some music on while getting ready, pumped up to take on the day, I even bought the person behind me in the drive thru their starbucks I was so happy! So no need to panic, I'm not about to do anything stupid. Just got a little sad.

 

Anyways, thought I'd post here to get some of my resolve back. You guys have a way of doing so.

 

Keeping on keeping on.

 

Dre

 

PS - I did write her a note and put it at the bottom of the box. It says: "I love you, best wishes and I hope you find what you are looking for". I thought it was a good way to end this chapter. Thats not bad is it?

 

Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's over though.