Why are people so insensitive toward child abuse victims?

[Maddy]

Many people say things like "get over it" "stop blaming your parents" "they did the best they could" "stop whining". Comments like these force victims to keep their problems to themselves and bottled up inside. Leaving them feeling even worse if they ever do try to talk to someone. Yes it is true we can't blame our parents for everything, but they do play a HUGE role in how we turn out so blaming is not completely childish. It's almost impossible to not be affected by abuse in some form or another. If people were less insensitive there would less incidents of severe mental disorders.

[Eve]

A common feature once someone has been abused is that they can push others away for fear off emotional intimacy. Even when abuse is disclosed and hence the reasons are known, it can still be very difficult for family members or friends to know what to do or how to counter such behaviours.

 

So, I don't think it is common for a person to be intentionally malicious to someone who has been abused. Seeing a person as such on a chat show is very different to having them live in ones home.

 

Also it is good to define abuse. Within a former role, I did notice a trend where there seemed to be a swing towards calling essentially non attentive behaviours abuse. Often the young person was basically putting inordinate amounts off pressure onto the parent/s due to peer pressure or simply being a little **** and the person under strain simply did not have the tools to cope with the challenge. I don't consider this pattern abusive as such, just annoying.

 

All in all I have seen the best results when outside help is sought in situations where there has been abuse (proper). It isn't healthy trying to cope alone.

 

I hope this is the case for you OP if you have been abused. Deal with the abuse first, family second.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[todreaminblue]

I think people who say those sort of things dont actually believe the abuse happened

 

 

that i think is a more painful response ...disbelief...far more damging if it si a child who is copping that disbeleif and isolation associated with being called a liar.....its soul destroying stuff

 

 

 

it is why i have normally only shared my history with people who have had similar abuse or people who i have met who need help and sharing it clarifies something i am saying to help them ill use my history, other wise i have to have trust for the people i share it with...i fully disclose to a partner but not everything graphically it would hurt to.......one i hope they will understand it..that they will see i can draw positives from negatives.......and i have forgiven my abusers..and two that they will believe it.....when i was youngr i made a massive mistake to share my story to a girl i thought was a friend....her mum called em evil and demon spawn or seed something like that...devils child.....because i said such horrible and violent things ...i dont know how she thought i dreamed these things up...thats right devil child...my parents only ever let me watch lassie and g rated shows...................i have never shared my full memory since...it was a mistake to tell...i know that now.......i was one of the only girls in high school to be censored at the library checkout at school...she woudl take books away from me......like a clock work orange admittedly ..i was thirten when i tried to read that..i always f3elt different when she did that...girls behind me would snigger......

 

 

peopel prefer to live in denial sometimes...and thats ok........but...a child shoudl never be denied and always always......trusted when it comes to telling explicit stories....it is a red flag..........that should neve be ignored...or pushed aside or denied....

 

 

.i think denial is huge with people who tell others to get over it...not having experienced what that person has.....its a mistake to say those words...its not somethign to get over...it is what you live with that colors your world in different hues......you cannot be fixed when this has happened you learn to accept it...and use it for positive inspiration is how i live with it....i wonder sometimes when i see a much older man and his wife ....is that them.....it very well could be...i live with that never knowing..deb

Edited August 29, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Eve]

I think people who say those sort of things dont actually believe the abuse happened

 

 

True. Disbelief is a painful thing, which can keep abuse hidden. Acting out usually accompanies abuse, as too promiscuity which can make it seem that the person is out off control more than actually suffering.

 

Sorry you have been through this. Really sorry. I simply do not talk about my own issues and within seeking help the other year was told that it is common that people do not enter therapy until their late 30's to early 40's.

 

The mantra seems to be to get help early on where possible but these things seem to take time to rise to the surface. A lot off pushing to the back off ones mind seems to occur.

 

I don't trust easily because of my own abuse but can reason that this is ok as it is better to be discriminative within relationship choices anyway.

 

I have accepted that part off me will always be damaged in terms of feeling as though I am transparent but to look at me, I am glad no one can tell.

 

I think eventually you can coherently pick up on evil intentions in others, which can seem a burden at first.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[todreaminblue]

True. Disbelief is a painful thing, which can keep abuse hidden. Acting out usually accompanies abuse, as too promiscuity which can make it seem that the person is out off control more than actually suffering.

 

Sorry you have been through this. Really sorry. I simply do not talk about my own issues and within seeking help the other year was told that it is common that people do not enter therapy until their late 30's to early 40's.

 

The mantra seems to be to get help early on where possible but these things seem to take time to rise to the surface. A lot off pushing to the back off ones mind seems to occur.

 

I don't trust easily because of my own abuse but can reason that this is ok as it is better to be discriminative within relationship choices anyway.

 

I have accepted that part off me will always be damaged in terms of feeling as though I am transparent but to look at me, I am glad no one can tell.

 

I think eventually you can coherently pick up on evil intentions in others, which can seem a burden at first.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

hey eve......i like to be discerning in relationships.......I have to admit that abuse did delay my interest in boys....that and the boy who sat in front of me in primary school, who pulled the wings off flies then tied a hair around them like a leash thought it was cute to walk them around the desk all the while giggling like a maniac...and i was considered the disturbed one and he was normal..........i actually think he was a psychopath...that turned me off for a couple of years from finding boys attractive.... fly torturers......;0)......i though back then about becoming a nun......seriously now.....

 

that kid had evil intentions i am sure of it......start with flies and pulling their wings off walking them around on a hair then its straight to perming stray cats and shaving poodles....

 

 

ok i will be serious now........

 

 

abuse is something that happens......to millions of people....but then....so does love..

 

 

if i write out a time line and i have already, in a journal i keep ....that documents abuse love happiness....what i can remember..i have had more love in my life and given more love than i have been abused ...years and years and years of......love...i have helped many more peopel than have abused me........and i feel blessed because of that...i dont think i would behere if it were not that way....theres only so much a human heart can handle...and the truth is.....i have much more room for more love and along the way.....possible heartbreak because for love ...you have to eb willing to accept heartbreak could happen......but that's love.......i do believe true love is worth it.........smilin...hugs to ya eve....from me to you...debxo

[Onward_Upward]

I think the key here is how one defines "abuse"...

 

Some people think that a parent legitimately "smacking" a young child on their rear (after it has done something deemed unacceptable) is abusive behavior... Others these days, even go so far as to declare that a parent who yells too much is being "abusive". Or that a parent who works a lot of overtime - thus not seeing their child often - is ALSO being "abusive". And on and on...

 

As for me, when I read the title of this thread I automatically assumed that what was being referred to was either MAJOR physical and psychological torment, and/or rape and sexual play with a child.

 

So, if you are referring to incidents that fall within the first paragraph, then many people have wide disagreement on whether such things constitute "abuse"... Which would explain why you may not get the support you feel you deserve. I'm not saying it justifies it... just that it is understandable why some people would not consider what you went through as actual out and out "abuse". Because most people raised in the 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's lived through such experiences... Most of those people also considered it "normal" behavior (Then and now).

 

But, if your personal experience falls within what I explained in my second paragraph, and you STILL do not get any support from those around you, then I sympathize completely... with certain reservations.

 

By way of explanation, if the people you are accusing of "abuse" were never actually prosecuted in a court of law, and if the behavior you accuse them of was not seen by anyone else... then that would go a long way in explaining people's reluctance to accept you side of the story.

 

I'm not saying it's right, necessarily... It's just that if "Grandpa Joe" has always been known to be a "loving" husband, and an upright, law-abiding citizen who regularly helped out those around him; and then all of a sudden ONE person accuses him of some kind of "abuse" long, long ago, it is natural to be suspicious of the accuser. As all righteous minded people believe that people should be considered "innocent" until PROVEN guilty. And mere accusations should never be enough to condemn them to "Hell", so to speak...

 

I do not expect you to answer the following questions (as it can be very painful, I know), but the ones which come to this inquisitive mind are:

 

What kind of "abuse" did you experience?

Was it reported to any authority? ... If so, did these authorities act on it?

Did the perpetrator do any "time" for it, or were they let off?

Did this person abuse more than one individual, or was it a "one off"?

At what point did you start seeking support, and/or telling others of your story? ... For example, 10 years later? ... 20 years later? ... More?

 

I'm just thinking aloud here, so please don't take this personally, but the main reason I can think of, for people dismissing you outright, is that they simply don't believe your story. Either that, or they're being "enablers", which I highly doubt.

 

Child abuse is one of the most vile and hated crimes on earth... And when a perpetrator is uncovered, they also become one of the most hated creatures on earth, with thousands of people willing to kill them, if given the chance.

 

So when people act in the way you describe above (i.e. fobbing you off), it does raise more than a few questions... It also makes me think that perhaps there is more to the story, than you are letting on here.

[Tayla]

OP ,it sounds based on your post ,that empathy is lacking by those comments made via the receiver.

Plain and simple here- Some folks simply are not geared to walk down that path of caring...

 

There is a need to connect as a victim and portray a sense of ( Hey, you think I'm okay though right attitude...). Its almost like the victim aka: survivor, wants to be validated that they were in and of themselves "NOT" the problem. I can say without a doubt, any abuse- emotional, physical , thru isolation and demeaning ways is not easy to "get over". Its a life challenge to rise above.