How to take this friendship further?

[peter_87]

Hey everyone,

 

I recently became friends with a girl, and I'm starting to realize that I like her and want to try to take things further. The problem is that I'm a complete dating noob who has never had a relationship in his life and whose past dating attempts have failed miserably: I have no idea what to do. Do you have any advice?

 

The girl in question is also socially awkward and has not had a lot of experience when it comes to dating. Not to mention that she recently lost a year-long best friend after he tried to force her into a relationship. Obviously I do NOT want to be that guy.

[sunrise24]

Social awkwardness can be overcome with time; take it gradually, and you can sustain the learning process without feeling overwhelmed.

 

I have a few questions in mind to get things moving:

 

1. How long have you known this girl; how often do you two see each other/contact each other?
   
2. What do you currently know about her interests, dreams, dislikes, and personal boundaries?
   
3. Do you two have any mutual friends or know anyone in each others' families?
   
4. What stage in life are you two at (age? school? work? etc...)?
   
5. For questions 2-4, what common ground can you identify?
   

Keeping questions like these in mind can help you begin to form a strategy for effectively relating to her; we look forward to hearing more from you.

 

 

P.S. I have never been in a romantic relationship either; such is not a prerequisite for learning how to relate to others.

 

Think of this as crafting a cake: when you've excelled at the fundamentals, you top it off with icing and candles to end up with something savory (if you don't like cake, I can come up with a different metaphor).

[peter_87]

Thanks for replying, sunrise24,

 

It's a rather strange situation.

 

1). I now know her for about a month and a half. We have met each other twice now, the second was combined over the course of three days at an anime convention. Apart from that we often talk a bit on facebook.

2). I know a few of her interests (anime, swimming, animals), but haven't really asked about them in detail (yet).

3). We have mutual aquaintances. We both know some people, just not very close.

4). I'm 26, working and she's 18, still a student. We met in this community where the average age of the females is lower than that of the males. Yeah.

5). Common grounds are similar interests, the same community we're in, and we're both socially awkward and so I can relate a lot to her.

[WordvAction]

Have you tried asking her out on a date? That's usually a solid start

[sunrise24]

1). I now know her for about a month and a half. We have met each other twice now, the second was combined over the course of three days at an anime convention. Apart from that we often talk a bit on facebook.

It sounds like you two don't yet know each other well. Since you have already implied intimate feelings for her anyway, you may want to explore the possibility of having more communication over the phone or in person; from my experiences, Facebook is not an effective way to deeply connect with others. My follow up questions here:

1. Did you two ever get each others' phone numbers?
   
2. How far away do you two live from each other?
   
3. What are your schedules like? How much availability is there in common?
   
4. How did it go at the anime convention? How did she feel in your company?
   

If she's comfotable doing so, you'll want to pick up the pace with getting to know each other, to get a quick idea of compatibility so that your feelings don't bottle up for too long (which could result in you becoming controlled by your emotions)

2). I know a few of her interests (anime, swimming, animals), but haven't really asked about them in detail (yet).

I take it you also like anime, swimming and animals? Try to get more details about her interests next time you two communicate.

3). We have mutual aquaintances. We both know some people, just not very close.

Hmm, it sounds like you don't have a lot of solid social support to fall back on; what about your family? Do you have any close friends of your own whom you could trust with this kind of situation?

 

 

4). I'm 26, working and she's 18, still a student. We met in this community where the average age of the females is lower than that of the males. Yeah.

Can you elaborate on this community? Also, while I personally don't find such an age difference to be strange (and you seem to be okay with it), it's worth considering: how does she feel about such an age difference? You two seem to be at different life stages after all. My follow-up questions here:

1. What do you do for work?
   
2. What is she studying in school?
   
3. Does she work at all? If not, does she intend to do so anytime soon?
   

This way, you can begin to gauge compatibility over the long term as well.

P.S. You and I are the same age.

 

***

 

Another important question for consideration:

she recently lost a year-long best friend after he tried to force her into a relationship. Obviously I do NOT want to be that guy.

What exactly happened here?