fanine Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 We all have those long stories, and you're right: this place is great. For me, it beat any therapy that I tried. Good luck to you, fanine, you did what many are too afraid to do and in the end your life will only get better. Thank you. And good luck to you too x Link to post Share on other sites
Red Wolverine Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 I'm definitely not against absorbing the moment. I agree. That is why I posed the questions of whether it was enough. I know women who are in affairs and for them it is enough. I know that for me it never would have been. And I also agree that when we are involved in them we do have to make concessions. Not easy. I can only think of one woman on this board who seems happy with her affair. The rest are in hell because they are accepting lies and empty promises. Concessions are part of the deal but there is a limit. I made them, too but I didn't compromise my self-respect because I got out before that happened. You had a man with a plan that executed it. I had one who had a plan and ran out of road so I ended it. Most of the women here have neither. This is key because of power. If you maintain some form of balance, you can maintain some assemblance of self-respect. If you compromise yourself and accept excuses, endless delays, and lies, you end up in hell. This forum is Dante's Inferno. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 It is EVIDENCE that he keeps you as his secret. I hope you end it and realize you deserve better than that! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Red Wolverine Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 I'm curious who the person is on this forum that is happy in their affair. I know who I have in mind but it might be interesting to see who thinks it's them. Long time posters will know who it is. I won't speak for her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Red Wolverine Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 I have to tell you... I was happy in my A until it was no longer one... but you are correct, it was because it was the means to an end. I know I could not have lived like that forever. It was not easy. I feel bad that our relationship began that way. But, I love him, and I'm glad we are in the right place now. That was my perspective during mine.... It was a means to an end. That was made abundantly clear to him. I would have endured anything, stuck with him through it, etc. He didn't meet his end so I no longer felt responsible once that became apparent. Timelines matter. Sticking to them matter the most. I sincerely wish you luck and happiness. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 They think it's not him, it's the situation. Most OW have an affair compartment of their own.... One set of behaviors acceptable when they are with MM and one set of behaviors (crappy) when they are apart. It's necessary to justify staying in an affair. The MM knows it's all good when the OW starts making excuses for him.... "You were with her, busy, etc." Problem is the OW believes one day this will all be different when they are together all the time. That day seldom comes. MM/MW don't like it when you call them on this, either. I called mine on it this week. Told him "W was not home. SHE was not your excuse this time. You could not use her as excuse. Your inattention and ignoring me was ALL and ONLY you. What's your answer for now and why in the he!! do you expect me to think it'll be any different when she moves like you say it will?" He didn't have one, of course. And yet I still sit here under the table, waiting for him to drop me bread crumbs. No one can say that I don't tell him exactly what I think and feel about it, though! LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 [/b] This is what I meant. But we do see a moderated side of them - the affair moments: they're the fun part. My exAP was always perfectly behaved and so considerate but now we are together properly I see his grumps, the times he needs space to work through a mood and all that less than 'perfect' behaviour. As he does mine, which in turn, I never showed him during the A. Not properly anyway. Dangit. He's supposed to be on his best behavior? LOL We argue and bicker and see each other's bad sides. I just don't believe in hiding who I am. He says he doesn't either. We're both kind of in the "Take me as I am or leave me." kind of mind set. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 I know who I have in mind but it might be interesting to see who thinks it's them. Long time posters will know who it is. I won't speak for her. It's def not me. I was happy in my A......until I wasn't anymore! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Oh my god I laughed at this. We are the same! I had mistress meltdowns. We argued when we needed to. We just play Popeye "I yam what I yam". Well, I mean, really IF we were really progressing towards a future and it's not all future faking on his part, why the heck would I pretend to be something that I'm not? So I can surprise him with the real crazy me once the I do's are said? Naw. I'm in this for reals, whether that's his intention or not. Shoot. I'm not old, but I'm definitely too old for that crap. If you don't like me, you know where the door is! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 So I called him to wish him a happy birthday (we're in different towns so wont be together). He had told me days ago that of course I could call, that he was going to work as usual, and that he would never not talk to me on his bday. I called him, but the way he talked...he wasn't at work. He was with her. Or maybe there were other people around, I don't know. Or maybe I'm imagining things. He talked nicely and all that, but briefly, and said "thanks for remembering". Of course I'd remember. We talk everyday, we're "together". So he obviously said that because she (or someone else...) was around and wanted to make it look like it was a normal conversation. He, the one who says he loves me more than anything (but probably doesn't really know the full meaning of love, and also doesn't understand the impact of little things like these on me...). I had been fearing this would happen. That I would call him on a bad time and he would treat me like some old guy friend. And it hurts. He's loving when she' not around, and when she is he makes me feel the last person on earth. He may not realise it, but....I think I'd realise that if I was him. I know, that's just how things work under these circumstances...but it hurts. The thing is, how did you expect him to treat you if he was with his wife or someone else? He isn't going to gush and tell you he loves you when others are around and can hear him. I understand you're hurting, but due to the cirumstances anyway, it's something you're going to have to learn to deal with and accept it, care less and put less expectations on him...Or, tell him how you feel and why, see if it'll help. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I'm curious who the person is on this forum that is happy in their affair. I hear what you're saying, but you must understand there are people who are not on this forum, because they are happy with their circumstances. They don't need to hash and rehash. There ARE people that only want a part time relationship, or the good part of the relationship, they enter into an affair and are perfectly happy. I'm definitely not talking about most of the people here, I am just saying, it does happen. I could not have been one of those women, that is certain. I'm too demanding and I would not have been able to stand it. But for those who do, if that is what they want, I won't judge them. For the most part I'm happy in my affair. What makes me unhappy is that he is forced to lie to his wife and I feel bad. I have only caught him in one lie and we've been together for almost 8 years. I tend to always verify things he tells me because I assume he lies to his wife all the time that he must be lying to me. I do know he doesn't want to tell me certain things because he doesn't want to upset me, but that's not lying. I guess he doesn't really lie to his wife cause according to him she hasn't asked him If we are still together. She knows we are because of the posts I write but someone somehow has convince her that we have NC for close to 2 years. I truly believe she doesn't want to know the truth. Now he could be lying to me about what she does or doesn't ask him. I just know if we compared notes we would both be in for a shock I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Canuck- why don't you think you are worth more than what you settled for? As a BS as soon as I found out I was in a triangulated relationship I demanded it stop- why do you allow yourself to be in one-why do you allow yourself to be with someone for 8 years you need to verify that he is telling the truth-if in 8 years I need to still check up on my husband than I am out of here-there is no way I would willingly settle for such a thing-don't care how much I love him- we have been together 22 years,have kids, a house, etc... and I would still walk away clean with my head up if I had to knowingly put up with what you do- why do you settle like that-I am honestly interested so please do not blow up at me-I am sad for anyone that feels they need to settle for this type of relationship regardless of the circumstances- Oh no I haven't felt the need to verify the entire time only since dday. I stay because my needs both physically and emotionally are being met. I have no problem with my part time relationship because I love what I get from mm. What makes people think a single guy can give me more then I'm currently getting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Canucj, what do u mean that shes knows you are tohether "b/c of the posts you write"? Do u mean like on dacebook? What do u post, and is she friends with u on there? A lot of your posts give me the imoression you arent happy with the situation of your affair. Are u ultimitaely hoping he leaves BS? Thanks for sharing What I mean is yes she stalks me on FB but she also reads my posts on LS. Ultimately I'm hoping she will realize I'm not making this up and I'm not just trying to bait her into responding but that I just want her to know the truth because I hate that he betrays her. I just want her to be in the loop because I would want to know the truth if I was the bs. I would love to just spend the same amount of time I do now but not to have to hide it. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 How do you know she reads your posts here? Cause mm told me, us I use the same name here as I do on TAM. I think she only lurks on here she doesn't post that I know of. I have no problem telling mm what I post cause its the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Oh, ok... the word of a liar. Yeah, I doubt she reads here. Well that isn't the only reason I know. There is a poster on TAM who is friendly with the bs and he told her I was on here, I know because of posts I've read so no I'm not listening to just one person I'm listening to many others. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Hmm, still coming in part from him, still highly doubtful. What is your proof that she has been on here (in particular) reading your posts? I can't tell you how I know, but I am 100 percent sure of it, if she didn't read here I would gladly tell you but I can't tell you because of how I know. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 That doesn't even make sense. You just said that you are open and hide no truths, and part of you being open is so that she will know for sure so you can "just spend the same amount of time I do now but not to have to hide it". So if this is the case then why not just tell everything you know and blow the lid wide open? Why the sudden need to be coy when you are constantly saying that you have nothing to hide? Very good points, however she has blocked my number and If I send an email I will not know if she opens and reads it. I truly think in her mind that she belives all this is being made up by me. Our 2 year dday is quickly approaching and if he doesn't come clean I will. I know there are times he wishes I would just rip the bandaid off and tell her but I don't think that's the way it should be done. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 She reads here, supposedly, and at the other forum you frequent, and she has access to your FB profile, so it sounds like you have a few mediums to contact her. Which is what I was saying... if you want her to know why play coy when you are here, especially since (as you said) most of your posts are directed in an effort for her to know the truth? There are many, many ways you could inform her, I am sure. At this point, as long as your affair has been, I don't think it matters so much as to how it is done, just as long as it is done. Yes very true I could post on here that I'm still seeing mm which I have and she still hasn't contacted me which leads me to believe she has chosen to accept it to some degree. If she wants to know she can ask me and I'll leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 But surely these moments can happen in any relationship anyway - exactly as you say - we normally get them at their best. With past relationships I cant say that every single time I talked/met/texted an ex/ex husband it was always lovey dovey. People get different moods - even on birthdays etc. I know myself sometimes I answer the phone to say my mum and then realise I am really not in the right mood to talk and probably come across grumpy. I think though that OWs are surprised when they see any behaviour less than perfect, get paranoid, take it personally, and think somehow it means they are going to lose their man. I think you have a good point here. I have thought about this before...but due to the circumstances, I think we get extra sensitive and get fearful because we never feel secure; it's like we're always walking on thin ice. Therefore, even meaningless words or actions that are common to everyone, married men or single, get maximised in our heads. It may be a stupid thing to compare, but I found my dog on the streets after she'd been abandoned and hit by a car. I could tell she was traumatised and that someone had treated her very badly - the sight a belt, the smallest noises, rapid movements or seing us holding big objects would make her run and hide under the bed. She doesn't do that anymore, but it took a while for her to trust us. In the beginning she was scared all the time, even if we didn't intend to do something hurtful. It's the same with us. But we never feel secure. So we're always fearful and analysing everything to the max in the hope that we can protect ourselves maybe - which is ironic, since the only way of protecting yourself in a relationship like this is not getting into one or leaving it, period. Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I think you have a good point here. I have thought about this before...but due to the circumstances, I think we get extra sensitive and get fearful because we never feel secure; it's like we're always walking on thin ice. Therefore, even meaningless words or actions that are common to everyone, married men or single, get maximised in our heads. It may be a stupid thing to compare, but I found my dog on the streets after she'd been abandoned and hit by a car. I could tell she was traumatised and that someone had treated her very badly - the sight a belt, the smallest noises, rapid movements or seing us holding big objects would make her run and hide under the bed. She doesn't do that anymore, but it took a while for her to trust us. In the beginning she was scared all the time, even if we didn't intend to do something hurtful. It's the same with us. But we never feel secure. So we're always fearful and analysing everything to the max in the hope that we can protect ourselves maybe - which is ironic, since the only way of protecting yourself in a relationship like this is not getting into one or leaving it, period. I can understand it having been involved with an MM. For the first 10 or so months I thought he was single and it was all fine. Well so I thought. But then I found out about his wife. I went NC a couple of times but he always came back and both times I gave in. But then the whole dynamics changed and I was far more insecure. If his phone was switched off for example,my imagination would run wild. It was horrible. I had to get out. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Canuck, you can send someone a message on facebook and see when it's read so you'll know she gets it. If that's your intent. (saying that b/c you said you could send her an e-mail, but wouldn't know if she got it.) Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 hey stronger now* On page 2, you wrote that OP has the power to have the kind of relationship she Wants w/MM or any man... I totally respect you and hope you know I sincere in this when I ask what you meant by that? It's kind of coming across to me that OP is Not having the relationship she truly wants to have w/this MM because she is aching inside at the calculated responses he gave her when she called (because he said she could) to wish him happy b-day, due to the fact he is Hiding her from Wife, family and friends. I guess I'm asking, how can she force MM to give her the relationship she wants w/him? There are times I can't even make my own dog "stay" and I AM His master... So Not comparing Anyone here to a dog alright?! Link to post Share on other sites
letmoc Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 My opinion is it hurt so much because you built the call up in your head before it happened. In relationships like these we live for those little moments so much that when they don't play out like we planned them in our heads we overreact. It's the nature of an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 Also re: the bolded. He realizes. He's not an idiot. He just doesn care. His #1 priority is SELF PRESERVATION. (i.e. preserve status quo marriage, preserve affair, prserve relationship with children, preserve image as wonderful dad, preserve ego/member stroking by not 1 but 2 different women god I'm awesome, preserve my financial status, etc etc) My qquestion for OP: Have you talked to him since. Did you tell him how it made you feel? What was his reaction, what did he say? No, I haven't talked to him since. He sent me a brief e-mail last night and today, at this very moment, he's on a plane (work travelling). But I'm not gonna mention it. It's useless. I'm sure I won't put up with this for much longer. Right now I just need to find some peace within myself. No more useless fights, repeating the things I've already said 1000 times. It's not in my power to change him, to make him change his life...I've done all I could and a little bit more. I'm feeling a little depressed right now also because of some of the things I read here. Yep, truth hurts. I mean, not everything is true - some people talk with love, others just seem to be bashing in the "can't you see the obvious" kind of way. Don't get me wrong though, I like reading all opinions....I just need to find peace. And realise that maybe, just maybe, I'll never have all the answers. Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Also re: the bolded. He realizes. He's not an idiot. He just doesn care. His #1 priority is SELF PRESERVATION. (i.e. preserve status quo marriage, preserve affair, prserve relationship with children, preserve image as wonderful dad, preserve ego/member stroking by not 1 but 2 different women god I'm awesome, preserve my financial status, etc etc) My qquestion for OP: Have you talked to him since. Did you tell him how it made you feel? What was his reaction, what did he say? I think scientist should study your brain on affair or toxic relationships. Someone pointed out that you "live for these moments'. I think you become conditioned to live for the texts, the phone calls, the times he/she can get away. The over the top romance MP have to give ,the future faking, The words of reassurance they need after he has spent anniversary,vacation,holiday with spouse, , the uncertainty and the arguments of them still being married keeps you always walking on eggshells. The "competition" with the BS, the fear something may happen to MM/MW and you will not know or be there, the fear there will be no contact any day now. I think all of this messes with your head and makes you extremely dependent,confused,anxious and addicted. It would explain why attractive men and women who are educated,intelligent with little baggage and can have a choice of amazing life partners are pinning after men or women who DO have baggage,who may be much older, not attractive, who have shown how 2-faced they can be, who dangle carrots. But AP thinks this is the best they can do and wait for years for this prize. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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