Living with his Ghost

[Moniq]

I have been separated from my husband of 7 years for two months now. I am needless to say, devastated. Its hard to move on when everywhere I go I see the places we have been, our favorite restaurants, our song, even my house which he is paying for. I see 'him' everywhere. Oh and he lives 12 hours away from me since he is in the military.

I feel like my life has been ripped out from underneath me. I moved my life a hundred times for him, left my family, supported his career and raised our kids. His career was always first which sorta forced me to be a stay at home mom. Which is why he wants a divorce. He is tired of supporting me. He wants someone at his level and not some frumpy old wife. I was just not good enough for him. Which I blame myself for letting myself not think of me but he too had a hand in all of this.

I miss him so much it hurts. There is not another woman but I fear the day he meets someone. I literally stop breathing for a second when I think of him with someone else.

My kids are 6 and 1, which were very close to their father, and now my kids wont have their father. and wont see a family unit.

Sorry for the ramble and being all over the place but im tired of talking to my friends about this since im sure its getting old for them.

[littlejaz]

I am so sorry for your loss:(. I call it a loss because divorce is really the death of your marriage. We all know the pain and the grief. All I can tell you is stay strong, especially for your children, there is life after divorce. You need to see an attorney as soon as possible if you have not already. Although this is a very emotional subject, it is also a financial subject and you need an attorney to advise of you of what you can expect. Do not assume that your STBXH will take care of you after all he is leaving you and your children. You must learn to take care of yourself and the first step is to see an attorney.

 

As for the pain, you need to let yourself mourn the loss, then slowly you will pick yourself up and move on. It is very hard at first but it does get easier.

 

Good luck and keep posting. There is a lot of support on this site.

[Moniq]

Thanks for the reply. I unfortunately believe he will not leave me high and dry but you are right I should see an attorney. Although im still using my 'military wife' status to help me with school and my health insurance. I just don't want to lose that just yet. I ended up with Trigeminal Neuralgia, and im getting medical help for that. I hope to delay the divorce as much as I can so that I can finish school and land on my two feet.

 

Im just walking thru a dark tunnel and I am not the best mother to my kids at this moment. I love them to death but im sad for them.

 

I guess its easy in a way that my STBX.... I cant believe im actually calling him that, Is far from me and the only contact we have is to talk about the kids.

[littlejaz]

Thanks for the reply. I unfortunately believe he will not leave me high and dry but you are right I should see an attorney. Although im still using my 'military wife' status to help me with school and my health insurance. I just don't want to lose that just yet. I ended up with Trigeminal Neuralgia, and im getting medical help for that. I hope to delay the divorce as much as I can so that I can finish school and land on my two feet.

 

An attorney can help you with this. I have just seen to many women think that "he won't do that to me or his kids" and then he does.

 

Although I don't have any children, I thought my STBXH would be fair about things until his first settlement offer which was he gets all the assets and I get all the debt, and then finding out that he had withdrawn and spent our retirement fund.

 

Make an appointment with an attorney TODAY!! You have to look out for yourself and your children.

[Moniq]

And im not the only one going thru this. My son has been misbehaving in school and im sure it has to do with the changes in his life. We lived I Miami and moved to Alabama because of my husbands job. We were there for a year and now Im living in Miami. Its only been two months but all of our routine is out the window. It makes me so mad to know that all this could have been avoided if my husband didn't feel the way he did and wanted to work on our marriage.

 

Mind you my husband just ended everything without even letting me fix what needed to be fixing. He checked out and made our decision for himself.

 

I love him so much and at the same time hate him for doing this to our family. And coming from a divorced family this is the last think I wanted for my kids.

 

I feel like a failure. I failed and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

 

I really feel that no one is capable of loving someone for a long period of time. Im not a dater. I married at 23 my third boyfriend. I don't know how to date, or how to even flirt. Im afraid ill be alone forever.

[WreckedDan]

Hey Moniq,

This part sucks, and it sucks for a while. You never have to apologize for rambling here, we've all be through stuff and we are here to listen and hopefully help with some feed back when we have it. The pain you are feeling and the emotional upheaval is very normal. You are going to hear; things get better with time etc. adnausem. They do, but focus on now, because now is what you have. Give yourself ample time to grieve when you can and try to focus on making your kids as happy as you can, because believe me, their laughter and kisses will help heal you too. As for laywering up, it is likely a good call to get the ball rolling especially if he is military. The longer you wait the longer it will take you to pass through the stages of greif. Keep posting here, and it helps to read others posts too, many can help you see how people move through the process and your mind will start to follow the path it needs to, to come out the otherside.

 

My 2©,

Dan

[Moniq]

Thanks Dan,

 

Actually you are the reason I joined this group. I read your post from beginning to end. I felt the pain you were going thru and I read everything you posted and all the responses. I saw you go from a mess to feeling better everyday. That was the first time where I felt that I too will overcome this mess and be able to breathe again.

 

You know, I cant even go to the store without having the urge to cry or have a panic attack. I hate that power he has over me.

[Misadventure]

. It makes me so mad to know that all this could have been avoided if my husband didn't feel the way he did and wanted to work on our marriage.

 

Mind you my husband just ended everything without even letting me fix what needed to be fixing. He checked out and made our decision for himself.

 

I love him so much and at the same time hate him for doing this to our family. And coming from a divorced family this is the last think I wanted for my kids.

 

I feel like a failure. I failed and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

 

I really feel that no one is capable of loving someone for a long period of time. Im not a dater. I married at 23 my third boyfriend. I don't know how to date, or how to even flirt. Im afraid ill be alone forever.

 

 

This is how I feel as well.. some days are better, but many times I feel like this. I am sorry you are going through this also.

[vla1120]

First, you are not a failure. Being prior military, then getting out myself while my husband stayed in, I understand how hard it is to keep things organized and hopping on the home front. Take advantage of EVERY military resource available to you. I do know one thing, the military frowns upon a service member leaving his/her spouse high and dry (at least they did 25 yrs ago).

 

I know this is a hard time for you. Because you are the sole parent, you have to do twice the job. Be strong and positive in front of them. There are parent support groups out there, especially in the military. Like I said, take advantage of everything at your disposal, being a military wife. By moving back to Miami, do you have a support system in place? If so, take advantage. Talk to a therapist, talk to a doctor, get whatever help you need on the military's dime while you can.

 

Vent here any time you want or need to. You are in Miami. Go outside, put your face up to the sky and soak in the sun every chance you get. It releases endorphins and regulates melatonin.

[Moniq]

MisA, Im so sorry for you too. I read your post and it broke my heart. I really hope we get out of this on the other side and with our hearts healed. Its really hard for me now because I cant separate myself from my in laws, which I don't want to since I married my best friends brother who ive known since I was 13, im 31 now. They were over my house today to see the kids and its hard to see them since I love them all so much and they, well, raised me sorta speak. Again, his Ghost. I see him everywhere.

 

Ps, im speaking to my sister in law now.

[Moniq]

VLA,

Thanks for posting. Luckily he has not left me high and dry. But It sure is not enough to make it on my own. My mother moved in with me and she is paying the home bills. I feel like a child living with my mother again. But thankful since I have a huge support system since my whole family lives in Miami. I am using my resources from the military... school, medical and most important right now dental.

 

I cant wait for the day that I don't cry or feel sorry for myself. Ive never noticed so many married people or engaged people since ive become 'single'. I hope they last because this pain is not one that I would wish on anyone.. not even my enemy.

[Steadfast]

Married people can't "fix" what the other half doesn't want fixed. Even if he asked you, you couldn't. You can't change into someone else.

 

We are what we are.

 

Understand that "someone else" isn't the worst of this. You're facing it now. His leaving -for whatever reason- will end up being the most difficult part of the marriage ending. His reasons are meaningless and probably not true. A real man does not walk out on his family. I don't care if he's a five-star general or a clerk at the local convenience store. They just don't.

 

You don't see it now. Shock and grief are causing your longing. Not him.

 

Get real with your kids. Shake yourself out of the doldrums by focusing on them and telling them exactly what you are going through. Fact: Bad things happen to good people. The successful learn to deal, the losers complain. Your husband cannot make you happy. That's your job.

 

Thirty-one? You're 15-to-20 years away from your prime. Again, you don't see it but you will. Success is not measured by our relationships, but what what we are. How we are, what we do and what we show. Be strong!

 

Keep posting. Help and encouragement is here for you.

[Moniq]

Thank you Steadfast....

You are right. I don't see the light at the end of this misery and I hate that its because of a MAN. I never saw myself depending on a man as much as I have. But I hate to say its ALL my fault. Being a military wife we are alone a lot and the only person we can look forward to being with is our spouse. Financially I depended on him and emotionally. I have lost my very best friend. And thru everything I have always been so proud of him. I admired him and respected him. His work ethic is impeccable and I guess I loved the 'status' of being with such a great man.

 

Now I am alone and I cant even talk to him like we did. Only talk about the kids. I lost myself in that relationship because I let him. He was always number one and I put myself last. I took care of the kids and he went to work, and as much as some people would love to be stay at home moms, I would have given anything to have finished college and have a professional job that I love. Per him, im no good. I am now going to start school and im trying to find a job so that I could afford some sort of a life. My mom is paying all the bills so at least I have her help.

 

But this morning my son was talking to his father and asking him when he is going to visit Alabama so that he could feed his fish. That breaks my heart because he is never going to Alabama because I am not sending my 6 and 1 year old away, especially that far. And my husband understands that. Besides he has to work and is always on call so even if they go see him, they might end up with a babysitter. Any how, hearing him talk to his father kills me. My son knows what's going on but doesn't fully understand.

 

Thanks for Reading.

[Steadfast]

You are right. I don't see the light at the end of this misery and I hate that its because of a MAN. I never saw myself depending on a man as much as I have. But I hate to say its ALL my fault...I have lost my very best friend...and I guess I loved the 'status' of being with such a great man.

 

A person isn't measured by who they are, but by what they are. And while the above statement doesn't always seem true, reality always catches up.

 

You are better off without him.

 

My marriage was critical to my identity as well. When it ended, I felt as though I was ending too. In a way, I was. Now I see it was for the better. We should (in my opinion) never be happy about a failed marriage, but there is reason to feel redeemed by the truth of our ex-partner's feelings. In other words, I didn't like what my ex did, but in time I realized it was good to know where I really stood. That's something to build from.

 

You may not yet embrace the plan you have, but the good news is; you have one. Love is a gift. Your ex is wasting his. So be it. Embrace those that love you unconditionally. Let go of those who don't. Keep posting.

[Moniq]

Go for someone who is not only proud to have you, but will also take every risk to keep you.

 

I read that quote and cried. I was so proud of that (insert word) and I got nothing in return.

 

He stopped all sorts of affection towards me two years ago, yeah, before our daughter. I would notice he would have to force himself to say that I looked pretty when we were getting ready to go out. He wouldn't hold my hand, hug me, he would walk past me like we were strangers. I would ask him why and he said he didn't notice. He would say that between the kids and whatever activity we were doing he just never noticed him being distant..... Well I stopped asking because I didn't want to make something out of nothing. But I was right, he was checking out a long time ago. I don't want to be in a relationship right now, but I miss and crave attention. Affection, caring and being wanted. Its a huge stab in the heart.

 

I hope that once im done with school and take care of myself, someone would be proud to be with me.

[Steadfast]

Affection withdraw is a very real thing. Again (and I apologize about making parallels) in my situation my ex grew noticeably distant a good long time before shooting the tires out. There were other factors but -like you- I loved her and wanted to be supportive. I didn't like needy then, and still don't.

 

The loss of affection comes after the finality of their actions. It's real.

 

Hear me; you did the right thing and acted the right way. Again, you can't fix another broken person. Back to me, I clearly got fed up a few times and reminded her where the door was. I didn't want distant. I didn't want cold.

 

My ex punished me. She admitted it. When I asked her why, she told me that she hated me. When I asked her why she hated me, she said she didn't know. But (a year after the divorce) she didn't hate me anymore.

 

Your ex is punishing you. It probably isn't for anything you did, but instead what you didn't do. Crazy thought? Maybe he expected you to call him on being an a-hole. When you didn't, he resented you for not taking the bait.

 

What you need to know will become very clear. The rest isn't worth worrying about. That includes hoping someone loves you someday. Someone already does; your kids. Time to put on the big-boy pants and roll your sleeves up. Cry out the pity then turn your back on it. One day at a time, one problem at a time. Take care of today, tomorrow will come.

[Moniq]

Feel very sad today! Went shopping with my mom my aunt and the kids. But I didn't enjoy it. I'm not a shopper so it's not something I typically enjoy anyways but non the less I hate being out in public. I'm surrounded but family and strangers and yet I feel alone.

[Moniq]

NC, its hard when I have to talk to the ex about the kids and then he wants to facetime with them. I saw him and MAN it hurt. Im glad he lives so far away but I miss him so much. He did the NC with me very hard in the beginning but now he seems to be calming down. Im glad im talking to him but sometimes I wish we were not talking at all. He sometimes throws some sexual content my way but then stops himself. Its so frustrating to know that I want him but its a line im afraid to cross. I know he does not want me back but I deep down wish he would change his mind.

[JJLA]

Moniq, you can't completely sever ties with him because he is the father of your kids.

 

You can, however, put some time into reconnecting with who you are. Right now it sounds as if you are wrapped up in him and have based your identity on being Ms. [husband]. You need to rediscover who Moniq is. Take some time and dedicate it to something that is just yours, whether it is learning a new skill or hobby, or following up on a passion you have had that is solely yours. It takes time, and it is difficult, but in 6 months or so you be stronger.

[Moniq]

My morning started off normal until my son asked to speak to his father. I always let him but today he asked me if his dad can sleep at our house when he comes. His father heard him and responded that he will be staying with grandma and grandpa. It hurt so bad to know my son is somehow being affected.

 

Has anyone gone thru this with their kids? They say things that just break your heart? Its hard to have a good day when im constantly being reminded of my failed marriage.

[JJLA]

Your marriage isn't "failed", it's just over. "Failed" heaps on loads of blame that you shouldn't assume.

 

Divorce is hard on kids, and seeing them having pain causes you pain. The best things you can do is (1) get someone professional to help them sort out their feelings, and (2) make sure that they know they are loved.

[WreckedDan]

Moniq,

You are going to hear more bombs from, the kiddo. They don't filter stuff because they are confused. Keep your head up and just be aware that the coments and questions are innocent. Try not to say negative things about your stbx, let me tell you that is the hardest part farther down the road. I've found asking questions in return seems to work for me, for instance; "Hey daddy, how come mommy wanted to move so far away?" *irk* "Well kiddo, why do you think she wanted to do that?" -Insert random child responce- "Hmm, sounds like an interesting perspective... what do you want for dinner tonight?"

 

I find if there is no positive spin to put on something to just help them think through it and the distract them with a smile, like it's no big deal.

 

The pain fades, and the rest of the world come back,

Dan

[vla1120]

My morning started off normal until my son asked to speak to his father. I always let him but today he asked me if his dad can sleep at our house when he comes. His father heard him and responded that he will be staying with grandma and grandpa. It hurt so bad to know my son is somehow being affected.

 

Has anyone gone thru this with their kids? They say things that just break your heart? Its hard to have a good day when im constantly being reminded of my failed marriage.

 

My situation is different. My youngest is 17. She's very angry with me, and yet, very clingy with me. She refuses to talk to a professional. She said I've taken her to enough professionals (for anxiety and depression - probably related to living in a chaotic, unhappy household her whole life). She does talk very openly with me, though. She's angry that her dad is seeing someone and blames me. She said "If you just stayed with him like you have all these years, everything would be fine. Why did you pick now to leave?" She also told me I am "sentenced to a miserable, lonely life and not allowed to date." I know 17 is much older than your children. I guess my point is that, even though it is hell right now for you, eventually it will get better. You WILL be happy again, and a happy mom makes for a happier child.

 

Also, one thing I learned from my own childhood - I never bad mouth their father, ever. When my mother complained about my dad, it cut me to the core. It was as if she was complaining about and hating me. I was made of half his DNA, after all.

 

Hang in there. Talk to a professional and get some ideas on how to handle what questions may arise from your children.

[vla1120]

Moniq,

You are going to hear more bombs from, the kiddo. They don't filter stuff because they are confused. Keep your head up and just be aware that the coments and questions are innocent. Try not to say negative things about your stbx, let me tell you that is the hardest part farther down the road. I've found asking questions in return seems to work for me, for instance; "Hey daddy, how come mommy wanted to move so far away?" *irk* "Well kiddo, why do you think she wanted to do that?" -Insert random child responce- "Hmm, sounds like an interesting perspective... what do you want for dinner tonight?"

 

I find if there is no positive spin to put on something to just help them think through it and the distract them with a smile, like it's no big deal.

 

The pain fades, and the rest of the world come back,

Dan

 

I just read this. Not sure how I missed it! By far the best advice!!

[Grumpybutfun]

moniq:

I am retired military so I saw your post and wanted to remind you to take advantage of any and all the military has to offer including family counseling, financial counseling, and career counseling. Many military wives do not have careers due to the nomadic life of the military member, but what you do have is a community around you that will help you if you just ask. Contact your Ombudsman or Family Mediator for advice on how to proceed with getting you and your children what you need.

I know the emotional upheaval is heavy in your heart, and the disappointment is acute. Yet, the military unfortunately has more than its share of divorces and separations so they do have the resources to help you. Use those resources for as long as you need. I normally would tell someone to file for divorce asap, but in this instance, get your schooling, your medical and dental care taken care of, and put back some money so you can have something to transition on when the divorce finally starts rolling.

I know what it is to be a military wife, as my wife was with me for 25 years, and I thank you for your service. Unfortunately the stress of the job and the ongoing separations due to deployment and training makes it very hard for some couples to stay connected. This is NOT your fault and you have not failed at anything.

Being a stay at home mother and supporting your husband was a noble effort on your part. It is only an excuse when you are in school and have two small children to lay the reasoning for his leaving on you not contributing financially. We both know that childcare costs for two small children would eat through any funds you may have made with a part time job while going through college. It is an excuse that makes him feel better about his decision to leave. Again, do not feel guilty for those decisions about staying with your kids and bettering your life by seeking an education.

I wish you and your children the best. Please take care of yourself and find out what you need to do to protect yourself financially.

Good Luck,

Grumps