Living with his Ghost

[Moniq]

OK I have a question that has been in my mind for a while. My STBX lives far and I send him pictures of the kids and sometimes videos. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't, you know keep the NC, but then again he wont be able to see the kids if I don't send him those text. Should I send him those text or let him suffer without seeing his kids?

 

I don't bad mouth him to the kids nor would I ever. I too come from divorced parents and my mother never once told me bad things about my father. I will always keep the kids communicating with their dad and tell them that their dad loves them.

 

Arg.

[Misadventure]

Hi Moniq,

 

Catching up here and big hugs to you. Listen, this is just my opinion but try and remain as NC as you can. If he wants to communicate and see things about the kids, he needs to make that move, not just expect it from you.

 

Have you read the 180 on this forum yet? There is a section about 180 with kids and how to be as LC as you can with kids.

 

I know about missing affection, the small things, the noise, the things you were just used to seeing and hearing... Getting out helps, as much as you can. I started using a rubber band on my wrist that when I start to swell and think of him, I snap it. So basically, I am bruised lol.

[Moniq]

Thanks to everyone who has posted and given me great advice.

Im going to slow down on the text pics of the kids and have him ask for them.

 

He facetimed with the kids today and I only spoke to him for like ten seconds..... I have to hold the phone for my daughter, shes one. As I was holding the phone for her I couldn't help but stare at him and not with love but with hate, disgusted and I was wondering how he can so calmly see his children and not be able to hug and kiss them and see them do all their funny things. He was a VERY hands on dad. He did everything for them and always loved them so its very hard to see that bond they had diminish. Im sure he would still be all those things if he were close but hes not. I don't think someone should stay together just because of the kids but at least wait till the right time.....say I don't know.....when your stationed in the same state......ok im done.

 

My stbx's aunt came to visit me today, she is awesome, and she feels that he'll come around. I hate to hear that. I need to let go and not wait for something to happen. But whatever. Everyone in his family is very supportive with both of us. No one has chosen a side, I know that he will always come first but at least they have not turned their back on me. Ive known the family since I was 13 so they see me as family ( I married my best friends brother ) Not the best advice I would give someone.

[Moniq]

I know that we have kids in the middle but I am seriously considering cutting him off as much as I can. No more pics of the kids, and either very brief conversations about the kids or just non at all, ill be taking a shower very time he calls. I am getting to a point where I deserve better. We had a great life, but in reality the last two years have not been the best. He was treating me like a roommate. He chose this and I have to live with it. I NEED to move on! I really need to find a job so that I could keep my mind busy. I have his life in my hands (I mean his kids) so at least I get the better part of him.

 

I am so tired. Tired of being sad, feeling sorry for myself, wanting him, tired of making him the center of my life. I hope to be done very soon with all this emotional crapola.

[Moniq]

Its funny as I am in day two of NC, my son always wants me to talk to his dad to say hello but im trying to keep busy so that my son does not ask me to speak to his father. And although Im doing this whole NC, so is he. But it feels kind of good to know that im really not that interested in speaking with him.

 

I feel different, I don't know what it is. Im confused. Whatever it is im feeling is better than what I was feeling a week ago, a month ago and three months ago. Keep on moving

[WantAMajorChange]

Its funny as I am in day two of NC, my son always wants me to talk to his dad to say hello but im trying to keep busy so that my son does not ask me to speak to his father. And although Im doing this whole NC, so is he. But it feels kind of good to know that im really not that interested in speaking with him.

 

I feel different, I don't know what it is. Im confused. Whatever it is im feeling is better than what I was feeling a week ago, a month ago and three months ago. Keep on moving

 

I may not be the best person to talk to about this but I'm currently in a trial separation with my wife being the one that walked away. I'm a good father that likes to spend time teaching, understanding, and laughing with my son. I love my son with all my heart and it hurts that I can't focus completely on him now with everything else going on. I do miss my house, my dog, her, but I do miss seeing my son.

 

It would completely hurt me if that I wasnt able to see him or talk to him when he wanted to see me. I think in this situation you can have your cake and eat it too. Maybe thru facebook you can just post your pictures there so this way your husband can see him when he's ready to.

 

I could be wrong and this NC could be the way for him to realize that he's losing his wife and children. I'm just saying I want to see my son and it would infuriate me to find out she was blocking that. Then again, your SBTX could want his space and you sending him pics is only pushing him away. You're the best person to make that call.

[Moniq]

He loves his kids and would love to be with them but I just don't want him to think that im sending him all these pictures of the kids so that he can feel bad. He appreciates the kids but he chose to leave, knowing very well that he would be hundred of miles away from his kids. I have to give him space, not by taking the kids away....I would NEVER DO THAT. But by giving him time to realize his doing. The kids are the only ones losing if I take them away from their day. Ive had family that use their kids in hurting the other so I know the problems that could bring.

[Moniq]

It would completely hurt me if that I wasnt able to see him or talk to him when he wanted to see me. I think in this situation you can have your cake and eat it too. Maybe thru facebook you can just post your pictures there so this way your husband can see him when he's ready to.

 

 

My son calls his dad everyday. They talk every night and facetime when possible. I am the one who wants to stay away since he hurt me so bad.

I also send him videos all the time of the kids, I just don't want him to think im sending all of that to make him feel bad.

 

He was a good dad and it hurts to know that because of his job, he cant be near his kids

[Moniq]

Tomorrow will be day three of NC. Its gone pretty good. When my son first spoke to his dad today I was putting the baby to sleep so I couldn't speak. The second time I ran into the shower and washed slowly. My X texted me to know what shoe size my son is and send me pics of shoes so that my son could choose which ones he likes. I kept the text very short.

 

As im writing this post guess who calls to facetime the kids??? X

Man, I guess ill be forced to see and speak to him. ahhhhh

 

I should go shower again. Bye so that I can be nervous.

[Moniq]

Ok, its over and seeing him just upsets me. How, How can he live like he's living without his kids. He must be hurting, he was always a hands on dad so this is just a shock. Looking at him makes me mad. I could only wish I knew what he was thinking and feeling so that I can move on. I hate to say it but we were the couple to envy so to say this is a shock to me is not enough, this has been a shock to EVERYONE. He seems so nice and just happy, he's like, 'hey, whats up?' or ' ill talk to you guys tomorrow, have a good night'. Uhhhh I want to go to bed now. Goodnight Loveshack. Thanks for reading.

[vla1120]

Ok, its over and seeing him just upsets me. How, How can he live like he's living without his kids. He must be hurting, he was always a hands on dad so this is just a shock. Looking at him makes me mad. I could only wish I knew what he was thinking and feeling so that I can move on. I hate to say it but we were the couple to envy so to say this is a shock to me is not enough, this has been a shock to EVERYONE. He seems so nice and just happy, he's like, 'hey, whats up?' or ' ill talk to you guys tomorrow, have a good night'. Uhhhh I want to go to bed now. Goodnight Loveshack. Thanks for reading.

 

The shock that I am leaving him was also surprising to everyone who knows us. They all said "There is no you without him, and vs." Our whole marriage there was a him without me. Just recently, I am learning that there is, in fact, a me without him and it feels liberating.

[Moniq]

If we had a bad relationship then I would understand us breaking up, but I guess it was bad relationship for him.

 

He is tired of supporting me. He does not want me at home, he wants me to work.....But hey, whatever, its not like I didn't want to work. 7 years married, moved 5 times, had two kids, went through flight school, training, deployments and I am supposed to feel stable?

 

I have been trying to find a job now for a month and I cant find anything. I have no college worth bragging about and no one wants to hire someone who moves so much and has no stability. Im screwed.

 

I really think he feels that the grass is greener in the other side. He is saying he is moving on with his life. Ok Have fun.

[Steadfast]

It is not your responsibility to "keep" him in your children's lives. Then again, it is your place, right and responsibility to not allow him to use you and the children to soothe his guilt or make light of the devastation he is causing. Simply tell him his happy, go-lucky attitude pisses you off. Tell him that.

 

You decide which messages the kids receive. If he doesn't like it, he can deliver them personally. Don't white-wash his actions, but don't play them to gain revenge either. That's bad for you. When in doubt, do what's best for the children. Remember: they need you, so take care of you. You must!

 

He's an asshat. Pure and simple. You're free to pass that along. Do not waste your time trying to figure out what he's thinking or feeling. A person's mindset isn't revealed by what they say, but instead by what they do. He's showing you his true colors. Only believe in what you see.

Edited September 8, 2013 by Steadfast

[Moniq]

He says he hasn't met anyone else. I believe him. We lived in a very small town so it would be hard to hide a relationship... I could be totally wrong but I think if he were cheating he could get in trouble with his job, being. Military officer and all, so I don't know.

[Moniq]

BTW, its been three months since the split.

[Moniq]

Im only doing this NC thing so that I can try to move on with my life. But since this is all new and we are still trying to deal with finances and the kids, we still need to communicate. Thank God he is not being a jerk and is speaking and texting me in a nice way, although that also infuriates me since It seems he is moving on nicely while im trying the 'fake it till you make it' thing. We have not argued in weeks, or months really. He wants us to be civil and be able to have a good relationship (not friends but as co parents)

[Moniq]

Hello LS,

 

Its not a great day today. For whatever reason im BLUE.

I cant wait till I start working. I cant be at home all day. I need to socialize and be around people. The only thing im looking forward to is the Depeche Mode concert this weekend. They are the best band ever!!!! I do hope that their music don't bring back memories of the past.

 

My chest feels like its being compressed. Why??? I was feeling a little better.

[vla1120]

My chest feels like its being compressed. Why??? I was feeling a little better.

 

Sometimes, it feels like one step forward, two steps backward. Keep faith in yourself and your strength. That is where the power to move on resides - in you - not in him, not in the old songs you'll hear that may send you into a tailspin - but in you. When that tailspin does knock you off your feet, jump up faster each time and brush yourself off. Hug your children and draw from their resilience.

[Moniq]

So the husband called and asked for a divorce! He wants us to go thru a mediator. He says he's been trying to cope with this and he feels that through filing he can move on.......

 

Thoughts?????

[Moniq]

The light at the end of the tunnel just seems like an illusion. I'm back to square one. DAMN IT!!! I did tell him to never speak to me again. Email me if he needs something. I'm done

[Moniq]

Thanks BeenKilled,

 

Am proud of myself though. But it still sucks. He thinks that in order for him to move on he needs to file. He wants to go to mediation to try to settle this without lawyers. Is that a good thing?

 

I finally have a job interview tomorrow and im excited about it. I cant wait to be social and make money.....although half of it will go to daycare but oh well.

[Moniq]

I was only married for 7 years, so im not entitled for much. I cant get pension, or medical. I think all I get is child support. I don't think Ill even get alimony.

 

Its ok. I am not going to go after his money. I just want my kids to be taken care of.

 

I actually don't feel as bad as I thought I would be feeling after getting the I want to file for divorce call. Its only been three months of separation but I cant force someone to love me. If he does not want to be with me I have to move on.

 

I will make it. He will see what he lost. And then he'll be sorry, and when that day comes, ill just laugh.

[amaysngrace]

I was only married for 7 years, so im not entitled for much. I cant get pension, or medical. I think all I get is child support. I don't think Ill even get alimony.

 

Its ok. I am not going to go after his money. I just want my kids to be taken care of.

 

I actually don't feel as bad as I thought I would be feeling after getting the I want to file for divorce call. Its only been three months of separation but I cant force someone to love me. If he does not want to be with me I have to move on.

 

I will make it. He will see what he lost. And then he'll be sorry, and when that day comes, ill just laugh.

 

Hi Moniq. It is great to hear you sounding so strong! I've just finished reading this from start to finish and you've come such a long way in just three months! You're truly a survivor.

 

I don't know what you are or aren't entitled to but that is why you should hire an attorney. There are things that you may be entitled to that you are unaware of and you can also see that your lawyer fees are paid by him since he is the one asking for a divorce. Just a thought.

 

One thing that I'd definitely ask for is sole custody. You've been the primary caregiver and the constant in your children's lives so do try to get that. It will alleviate power struggles that you may encounter down the road. That's one of the perks of being a SAHM. May as well use it to your advantage.

 

Anyway good for you for moving forward. You should be very proud of yourself!

[Moniq]

Thanks amaysngrace,

 

I still have my blue days but I have to move on. And my blue days have more to do with my kids than me. I was with my husband 10 years, 7 married but I met him when I was 13 (best friends brother) and I thought I was going to lose it when we broke up. But I got the better part of him, His kids. I will ask for sole custody, only because he is so far and military so I cant just ship my kids like a fed ex box and then expect someone else to take care of them while hes at work. He can be called out somewhere and not come home for days, so I have the right, I think, to have custody of them. Now when he comes to stay with his parents I will give him the kids. I never want to take them away from their father.

 

Ive read somewhere that 'You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.'

 

I have had to be strong a lot in my life, an alcoholic stepdad, not having a father around, now I do, and moving a whole bunch of times with the military and having no family and friends. I know I can do a lot. And my STBX has no idea what im capable of. Im not the smartest person but I know what I can do. Im trying to be as positive as I can so that I can get positive back into my life.

[Moniq]

I got the job!!! I hope I like it and that it goes well for me. I also started school today. Its an online workshop that shows you how to navigate the online learning system, then my first class starts next week.

 

I was speaking to a friend that I have in Al, where I was stationed, and she said that people are saying that my X looks weird. He eats alone, he does not socialize with anyone and that hes just out of it.....That made me feel good. I honestly hope he is miserable. He sure knows how to hide it with me and the kids, he always looks chipper. I however am not speaking to him, although I did see him and im sure he saw me while doing facetime with the kids..... I cant always hide, but I said I was doing homework so I couldn't talk, so that my son don't feel bad.

 

Good night world. I hope to better myself everyday.