Living with his Ghost

[littlejaz]

Congrats on the job!! You are on the right track, but you really need to speak with an attorney. Information is power and you are going to need all of it you can get. Don't assume anything, find out exactly what you are entitled to and go for it. He wants out - fine, but he has obligations and responsibilities and you should not guilt yourself out of what you are entitled to.

 

Stay strong.

[Moniq]

Thanks!!!! I can finally get happy about something and I don't feel the punch in the gut anymore. Yippy

 

BeenKilled......My X has only one friend and that friend is single and has no kids. He is the only one who talks to the X. Everyone else has totally turned their backs on him. And since he is stationed far away he has no family either. Ive read that when people divorce sometimes people choose a side and the other person is left with no one. Well that happened to him. All our military friends want nothing to do with him.... I feel bad because imagine him sitting alone eating but then I snap out of it and become happy about it. Jerk.

 

My daughter woke up this morning with a little croup so I took her to the doctor and got her meds. I texted the X to give him the 411. He said, 'ok, thank you'. Very limited contact, GOOD

[vla1120]

Congrats on the job, on school, on being strong, on moving forward!! Keep it going! You should be very proud of yourself.

[Moniq]

Today I was feeling a little down but it changed pretty fast. I got great news from my sons teacher!!! Then I met a guy, no flirty no numbers exchanged we just talked. He is married so there was nothing but clean conversations. It felt good meeting someone and having an adult conversation. That talk gave me a little confidence when it comes to the possibility of meeting a guy. Not that I'm even close to dating anyone but I think that when the time is right, I might be ok. That man has no idea of the impact that talk had on me. It's weird, I can't explain it. And again... Not in a romantical way but in a self esteem kind of way.

[amaysngrace]

Today I was feeling a little down but it changed pretty fast. I got great news from my sons teacher!!! Then I met a guy, no flirty no numbers exchanged we just talked. He is married so there was nothing but clean conversations. It felt good meeting someone and having an adult conversation. That talk gave me a little confidence when it comes to the possibility of meeting a guy. Not that I'm even close to dating anyone but I think that when the time is right, I might be ok. That man has no idea of the impact that talk had on me. It's weird, I can't explain it. And again... Not in a romantical way but in a self esteem kind of way.

 

Yeah it makes perfect sense to me. Sometimes we think "who will want us? we're divorced women with kids, nobody will sign up for that" but believe me, there are plenty of men who are in search of a good woman.

 

Not necessarily right away but in the future, when you're ready, you will hopefully find the lover you deserve.

[Moniq]

Three days and I have not spoken to the EX, I only texted him because our daughter was sick and I took her to the doc. I am so happy that he is far away. I hate it because of the kids and deep deep deep down inside if he were here he could take them some weekends and I have a little break. And not to go out and party or anything, just have me alone time. I feel guilty feeling like that but I do.

 

He'll be here in a few days!!!!!!!! Im so nervous. But guess what? Im getting my hair done tomorrow and im finally wearing makeup again. I am going to look hot when he sees me. Just because.

[Moniq]

Does this happen to people?? I am having a good day when all of a sudden im looking through my facebook page to ONLY see family pictures of my friend. I see couples everywhere and people either getting married or engaged. Im so jealous. Jealous that they might have found the one and I was the fool who picked the broken man.

 

Im sad today even though I have a great day planned for tomorrow. I have a lot to do today but I don't feel like doing any of it. Im tired even tho im wired on Cuban coffee... I love Cuban coffee, cant live without it.

 

I need to get out of this funk today

[vla1120]

Does this happen to people?? I am having a good day when all of a sudden im looking through my facebook page to ONLY see family pictures of my friend. I see couples everywhere and people either getting married or engaged. Im so jealous. Jealous that they might have found the one and I was the fool who picked the broken man.

 

Im sad today even though I have a great day planned for tomorrow. I have a lot to do today but I don't feel like doing any of it. Im tired even tho im wired on Cuban coffee... I love Cuban coffee, cant live without it.

 

I need to get out of this funk today

 

It definitely happens. I've been in the process of leaving my cheating husband for a few years, now. I always found a reason to delay. Since I asked him for the divorce and told him I was moving out, and had been contemplating this for years, you'd think I was used to the idea. Yet things keep popping up that throw me off track. He's still very good at manipulating and hurting me, even though I'm working very hard to keep my eyes wide open and worry more about ME than I do about him. Most recently, it was the discussion about the holidays. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it's all about family and counting your blessings. I have a feeling I'll be alone this Thanksgiving because he'll be taking the girls to his family's. Oh well. It was my choice, and one I can live with.

[Firstdivorce]

I was attracted to your title "Living with his Ghost." My wife just asked me for a separation which turned into a discussion of divorce. I thought of her as a ghost. I cannot imagine talking to her or seeing her after our divorce. This is so fresh, because I cried today realizing this is really happening to me. She refused marriage counseling twice. I'm praying to God to save our marriage, because I feel like I would be dead without her. The ghost image already haunts me and she has not served me divorce papers yet. She asked for a separation, but I told her I wanted to work on the marriage, because of all the good I remember from the 21 years we've been married. I read your post and can relate to your imagery which is why I want to move out-of-state if and when she serves me divorce papers.

[Moniq]

It definitely happens. I've been in the process of leaving my cheating husband for a few years, now. I always found a reason to delay. Since I asked him for the divorce and told him I was moving out, and had been contemplating this for years, you'd think I was used to the idea. Yet things keep popping up that throw me off track. He's still very good at manipulating and hurting me, even though I'm working very hard to keep my eyes wide open and worry more about ME than I do about him. Most recently, it was the discussion about the holidays. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it's all about family and counting your blessings. I have a feeling I'll be alone this Thanksgiving because he'll be taking the girls to his family's. Oh well. It was my choice, and one I can live with.

 

 

Holidays scare me. I told my mother that if the kids are with their dad during any holiday to just count me out of any parties. I can see myself having thanksgiving dinner or Christmas dinner with out them.

[Moniq]

I was attracted to your title "Living with his Ghost." My wife just asked me for a separation which turned into a discussion of divorce. I thought of her as a ghost. I cannot imagine talking to her or seeing her after our divorce. This is so fresh, because I cried today realizing this is really happening to me. She refused marriage counseling twice. I'm praying to God to save our marriage, because I feel like I would be dead without her. The ghost image already haunts me and she has not served me divorce papers yet. She asked for a separation, but I told her I wanted to work on the marriage, because of all the good I remember from the 21 years we've been married. I read your post and can relate to your imagery which is why I want to move out-of-state if and when she serves me divorce papers.

 

I hope you feel better soon. I know its hard and I have tons of bad moments but I do find it easier on some days. My husband was the love of my life. He was a great person, friend, father and son. So you can imagine how hard its been on me. But if he does not want to be with me, there is nothing I can do. He chose this, I begged, cried, screamed, everything but now I have to give myself some respect and think of me. You will be fine. Post here or on your own thread. I have found that being here has helped me tons. Keep on Moving Forward. (my new motto)

[vla1120]

I was attracted to your title "Living with his Ghost." My wife just asked me for a separation which turned into a discussion of divorce. I thought of her as a ghost. I cannot imagine talking to her or seeing her after our divorce. This is so fresh, because I cried today realizing this is really happening to me. She refused marriage counseling twice. I'm praying to God to save our marriage, because I feel like I would be dead without her. The ghost image already haunts me and she has not served me divorce papers yet. She asked for a separation, but I told her I wanted to work on the marriage, because of all the good I remember from the 21 years we've been married. I read your post and can relate to your imagery which is why I want to move out-of-state if and when she serves me divorce papers.

 

I'm really sorry about your situation, FD. You will find supportive people out here. I encourage you to pour out your emotions in this forum. You will get excellent advice and also support and encouragement to help you get through all of this.

[Moniq]

So the depeche mode concert was great!! I did get a little teary eyed but it passed. I did however see some people that I knew at the venue but I ran away from them because I did not want people to know that I am getting a divorce. It makes me feel like a failure. Like I chose the wrong man or I'm just a b!/$h to live with. I hate to say I'm a single mother of two! I feel so bad about that. Is that normal to feel? At least for a while?

[Moniq]

Six days of compleat NC. Today when my son was done talking with his dad, like alway, he asked if he wanted to speak to me. He said that if I wanted to talk to him that I can call him. That got me wondering if he wants to speak to me and what about. Does he care what I'm doing? Does he miss speaking to me? He wants us to be the best co parents but I don't want anything to do with him.

 

Ladies, once separated / divorced, did you have self esteem issues? My body is one of a woman who's had two kids. I am not that bad but I was only comfortable around my husband. I'm scared of surgery and I said I would never have a tummy tuck because my husband loves me as I am. Plus I gave him two kids so kids and he gave me the marks. I'm ashamed but I don't hate my marks because I have my babie!! Comment? Sorry for the TMI

[amaysngrace]

Ladies, once separated / divorced, did you have self esteem issues? My body is one of a woman who's had two kids. I am not that bad but I was only comfortable around my husband. I'm scared of surgery and I said I would never have a tummy tuck because my husband loves me as I am. Plus I gave him two kids so kids and he gave me the marks. I'm ashamed but I don't hate my marks because I have my babie!! Comment? Sorry for the TMI

 

Yeah I think it's normal to think about your imperfections before you put yourself back out there. Any guy worth being with will accept them the same way that your exH did unless you were perfect before you met him...were you?

 

And stretch marks really aren't the end of the world. If that's a price you paid for having children then I say you should wear them proudly!

Edited September 17, 2013 by amaysngrace

[vla1120]

Hey Moniq, I'm 52 and have had three children. Age and gravity are not my friends! Lol. I've actually had self-esteem issues for years, some of it because of my failing marriage, some of it because of my poor body image - the same things you mention. When everything came to a head and I finally found the courage to leave him, things were really bad for awhile. I finally decided to do something special for myself EVERY time he did something that knocked me down. Every time I do something nice for myself, it boosts my self-esteem a bit. I'm learning to care about myself. I'm learning that it is OKAY to care about myself, to want to feel pretty, to want to take care of myself.

 

You can do this too, Moniq. Just start with one thing and keep building on that. Yesterday, I joined a Yoga studio. I'm hoping three classes a week added to my walking 3.5 miles a day on the other 4 days will help me start to see a difference. I know I'll never have my pre-children abdomen again, but I'll settle for buns of steel!!

[vla1120]

We women have a bad time with the poor body image!! (and believe it or not that is a big part of the problem) The FACT is we are no longer in our 20's. DAMN IT!! My mind, my attitude all say I'm 25:p My body however disagrees! The thing is......and it royally sucks, is that a man can sit there with a beer gut and bald spot. Still think he's the hottest thing that walks the planet and thinks he deserves to have a hot 20 year old.

SMH!! So sad and doesn't help us with our self esteem at all! BUT, BUT!! If we can just get over ourselves already and be sexy, confident and KNOW how beautiful we truly are.............well, Ladies. Let me tell you, it doesn't matter if you have an extra 20lbs or stretch marks, or a saggy ass men will notice you and love you.....it's more the mind set then the actual body! The laid back, comfortable in your own skin confidence is like a magnet! Believe it!

 

Thank you, BK!! You are absolutely right. I need to remember I'm making these changes for no one except ME!

[Moniq]

Its weird. I am confident, happy, like being sexy and no one will know that I am uncomfortable with my belly. I guess its too early to think about being with another man. But that is one of my fears. I just think of men wanting to be with 20somethings rather than 30+ with kids. Im not going to think about that anymore. Or at least try not to .

 

Today the EX comes to Miami. He texted me to see if it was ok to come by at night and spend some time with the kids and tuck them to bed. I called him and told him that he never has to ask for permission to see the kids. I only called him because I needed to know his plans to do with the kids while im here since I start work on Thursday. Yippy. I am so nervous to see him. I cant handle myself right now. I am slowly picking up the house and im going to make myself look as pretty as I can. I don't know what for but I don't want him to see me looking like crappola. Advice would be great right now. What should I do? Say? Help

[Moniq]

Its true, whatever changes you make to yourself should be for you and only you. I don't want to say that I completely lost myself while married but I married a man that's sorta a square. I am tattooed, pierced and loved wacky hair. Im a little old for the wacky hair but I have my tonged pierced and I love it. I want more tattoos and my EX would prefer that I didn't. Im into rock music and being loud. He is very calm and quiet. We made a great couple but I only focused on my family. I even felt guilty going to the gym and leaving my kids. I felt like I had to be home doing the suzy homemaker thing.

[amaysngrace]

What should I do? Say? Help

 

I'd keep the conversation to a minimum the best that you can. You're doing better now than you were doing before. He's going to notice. You don't have to say anything more than you want to.

 

He is in for a rude awakening when he sees that you're better off mentally than you have been in years. He's going to realize that he didn't exactly bring out the best in you.

 

You really don't need to say anything at all except for what pertains to the kids.

 

Sometimes less is more. This may be one of those times.

[Misadventure]

Moniq, just be you or find you again.

[Moniq]

You guys!!!!!

 

The love of my life will be here in a few hours. I cant take this

[Moniq]

Just saw some pictures of my friend changing her husbands shoulder boards from Lieutenant to Lieutenant Commander. My soon to be Ex will have is little ceremony too and I wont be there for his promotion. I helped him become what he is and I just wonder if he'll miss me during his ceremony. What is he going to do have his mom drive up to Alabama and do the change or is he going to do it himself. I know its silly but I feel like I have lost so much. He's so stubborn. My goodness.

[Moniq]

I made it. He came by for and hour and a half. Brought gifts for the kids and brought me some boxes he forgot to bring me from the move. My little daughter remembered he father. She did not want to let him go. And that did not hurt me, I just wished it broke my ex's heart. I went into my room and let them hang out for a while and then that was it. He'll be back again tomorrow and my end up taking the kids for a few days but he's not sure, he is here cuz his mom is having surgery. But I didn't shed a tear nor did I want to . it was weird seeing him. Although I only looked at him a few times since I didn't even care to see him. My mom said he looked like crap and when he kissed me hello and goodbye I felt his cheek bone. GOOD I HOPE HES MISERABLE! Any how, I made it and fell good about myself. F-HIM

[Yarrow]

Oh Moniq. I'm so sorry. It sounds so much like what happened to me, although I was not married as long. My husband up and left me and our unborn child for nothing that I had done wrong. He just didn't want to be married anymore and wanted to recapture the feeling of his single life. It doesn't matter how good a wife you are if he doesn't want a wife. It's not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of him, and that reflection doesn't look good for him. It's been 6 months and I'm doing great, all things considered.

 

I know you've gotten lots of excellent feedback and I tried to read as much of the thread as possible, but as I'm going through it myself, I have some comments for you.

 

1. It doesn't sound like he wants the kids. This is a huge plus. At first, I didn't want my child to grow up without knowing his father, but the more I progressed through my grieving process, the more I realize that I also didn't want that man to teach my son how to be the kind of man who uses people. You want to raise your kids to be responsible, kind, upstanding, and principled, don't you? It's obvious your husband would set a bad example. Sure, he can Skype them. Your kids miss him and he's still their father. That's fine. But you're the one taking care of them day-to-day and the one they will be looking to in future as a model on how to live. Show them what strong and steady looks like! Also, be relieved that he isn't likely to put up much of a fight for custody. That was and is still my biggest anxiety.

 

2. Get your own lawyer. When you said that you didn't think that you would get much more than child support, my alarms bells went off. I don't live in Florida, but that does not sound right at all. You gave up some prime career building years to raise his family and moved around to support his career. You should be getting more than just child support. You need to know what you are entitled to, and he's not going to tell you. Neither is his lawyer. He's probably gambling on you not knowing your rights so he can screw you over some more. Hasn't he screwed you over enough already?

 

3. I'm not a vengeful, angry person by nature. I was taught as a child that being angry hurts you more than it hurts the person you are angry at, so there's no point wasting any more time and energy on the negative people in your life. So I've always gone by the principle that the best revenge is a life well lived. Start planning your future without him and get excited about it! Without that dead weight, think of all the things you can do and people you can meet. I'll start for you: You don't have to move around again for his career and so you can focus on your own career and accomplishments. You can raise your kids in the manner that you choose. You can cultivate your own interests or learn a new skill without having to accommodate his preferences or schedule. You can shed the label of "military wife" and craft your own persona based on who YOU are and not what your husband is.

 

4. The flipside to point 3 is that I doubt he will live as happy a life as you will. If it makes you feel better, curse him with this - "May you receive everything you think you deserve, and may it never give you a day's joy." And you will see it come true, because it's actually a prediction, not really a curse. This is because the kind of person who thinks that the grass is always greener on the other side is the kind of person who will never be satisfied even when he gets what he wanted. You don't have to do anything to get back at him. He will do it to himself if you give it enough time.

 

5. If you have any access to counselling (individual, not marriage) or psychiatrist, access them NOW. Even if the only person you talk to is your family doctor, do it. A support group might be a good idea too. Talk to someone who can show you that you aren't alone and you did nothing wrong. I know I felt worthless and a failure, and sometimes I still do. But the depression makes you say mean things to yourself and you will do better if you have friends remind you that those things aren't true and professionals to teach you how to stop badmouthing yourself. Early in my process, I kept thinking of myself with words like "failure", "discarded woman", "didn't work hard enough on her marriage", "stupid" and so on. Nobody else was saying that about me. Whenever I told my story to my friends or my doctors, the overwhelming feedback was words like, "strong", "brave", "tough", and "you've got your eyes open".

 

6. If you have body insecurity and you aren't on an exercise program, start one. Working up a sweat is great for promoting a sense of well-being, which is what you need right now. If your belly shrinks and you end up looking like a million bucks, that's just a bonus.