Living with his Ghost

[Moniq]

Yarrow, thank you for your words!! They're very true.

 

Just got a text saying that he's found a pretty good medeator and that we should go talk to them. He says he needs the divorce because he's put himself through he'll and he still feels like he's doing the right thing. He does not want this lingering over our heads since its a constant reminder of how much we've lost. The tears are flowing hard now! I hate him so much. But I didn't recognize the man in front of me last night. He wants this! Fine. Except he's only in town for a few days and I start work tomorrow so I don't know how we are going to do this. I knew he was going to want to see someone while he was here for his moms surgery. Ahhhh.

[Yarrow]

To be fair, you don't want this lingering over your head either. You have the rest of your life to live, and it's going to be so much better without having to cater to someone who doesn't care about you.

 

So here's what you do. You get your hands on any and all documents that might be important and put them in a safe place and/or make copies, depending on what they are. Marriage certificate, documents regarding sale or purchase of any property, bank statements, insurance policies, passports, etc. Oh, and tax returns. Especially his, since it sounds like he was the breadwinner. Very important. You ask around for referrals to a good divorce lawyer and take that all to him. Don't be afraid to interview more than one. Get someone you feel you can work with. The best kind of lawyer will save or earn you money in the long run, because in all likelihood, you're getting alimony. Stall for time about the mediator if you have to. "Oh...It's so hectic right now. The oldest just started school and it's super busy. I'm too emotional right now. I 'm starting a new job and I can't deal with this right now. I need time to settle down and think...." Then, when you are ready, you can tell him some variation of, "OK. Let's talk about the mediator. This is the contact info for my lawyer. You can have your mediator call him. Oh yeah..you know..I've never been through a divorce before and don't know what it entails, so I thought I could use someone to help me navigate the process. I wasn't comfortable representing myself, so I found someone to do the negotiation on my behalf..." It doesn't mean you two necessarily have to go to court. You can still settle. But you want someone ON YOUR SIDE to tell you if your husband is trying take advantage of you and you want someone who is highly trained in the art of negotiation. Do it for your kids. Good luck.

 

It gets better. I won't say I'm all better, but I can say that after 6 months of separation, I'm feeling worlds better than I did at 2 months. I expect to feel even better after 1 year. You sound like you're starting to get over him. That's a big step. Good for you! The fog is starting to lift from your eyes. This is the point where things turn and he stops having any power over you. I suspect he won't be very used to that.

[Moniq]

I'm wondering when I'm going to start feeling happy for my ex? I can't imagine him with another woman. I just want him to be miserable. I know that's wrong but I honestly hope he never meets anyone, or anyone worth holding on to.

[Moniq]

So my ex was over at my house again last night. He took the kids to have pizza then started the bed time routine with the kids. I have gone from feeling better to being miserable. I can't wait till he leaves. I start work today and I'm nervous. My kids are in school and daycare and I was sad as I was getting ready. There is no one to come home to. I miss him so much. I miss the way I felt with him. I loved him with my whole heart. And now he is a stranger to me.

[amaysngrace]

The house won't be empty once you step inside of it. Wouldn't it have been empty if you were coming home from work even if you weren't getting a divorce?

 

I use to light some candles and put on some quiet music in the beginning and even would run a bath from time to time.

 

It's important to have time for yourself. Your life revolves around others and its hard to decompress from that. You should try to though just to keep your balance.

 

I'm sorry you're sad. XO

[Moniq]

We are meeting with the mediation on Saturday. This can be over very soon. Damn, I never thought id be getting a divorce. Its almost over and a part of me is glad and another part of me is broken. I want this to be over and done with so that I don't have to wonder anymore if he'd come to his senses or not. I felt so empty at work. Knowing I have my babies made me feel better but today, everyone was married. Where are all the single ladies!! I feel like the only one......I know im not but still.

 

I came home to a house with no kids blah

[vla1120]

We are meeting with the mediation on Saturday. This can be over very soon. Damn, I never thought id be getting a divorce. Its almost over and a part of me is glad and another part of me is broken. I want this to be over and done with so that I don't have to wonder anymore if he'd come to his senses or not. I felt so empty at work. Knowing I have my babies made me feel better but today, everyone was married. Where are all the single ladies!! I feel like the only one......I know im not but still.

 

I came home to a house with no kids blah

 

Hang in there, Moniq! I hope the job went well. I know it's hard to come home to an empty house. On the other hand, when you get to my age, you really appreciate an empty house! I've been known to take a day off in the middle of the week when everyone is at work and school, JUST so that I can be alone in the house with no one placing any demands on me!! It's a treat for me, but I understand it doesn't feel that way to you right now. Put on some music, dance around the kitchen, have a few glasses of wine. Treat yourself well.

[Yarrow]

How's your support network in Miami?

 

If coming home to an empty house is a problem, see what you can do about filling the house or filling your time. I had a hard time asking for help, but once I started talking to my friends about it, it was amazing just how many people offered to come over and keep me company. When I was having weird, scary, suicidal thoughts, I had people who were willing to come over just to sit with me and talk about random things to distract me until I got sleepy enough to go to bed. Literally, they would stay until midnight if that's how long it took. I had at least 2 co-workers inviting me to sleep over with their families if I got too lonely at night. People brought me food and watched me to make sure I ate it. All those people that I knew where you would usually say, "We should catch up some time", but never get around to made a point of clearing their schedules to grab dinner together. It's kind of funny how a tragedy like this actually restored my faith in humanity. It turns out have have really generous friends. I just never asked them for help before, so I never knew just how far they would go to help me out. See what you can do to arrange to have someone keep you company.

[Moniq]

Yarrow, I have a huge support system here in Miami. All of my family is here and are helping me. My mother moved in with me to help me with the kids and help me pay bills. I try very hard to be thankful for the things I have but my mind drives me crazy with my failed marriage.

 

Tomorrow is the day I speak with the mediator. The ex is bring the kids home early so that he can work on the papers he's going to take. I asked him if he was excited for tomorrow and he sarcastically said 'yea I am'. Im so sick of this. Yesterday we sat and discussed what he is going to do and how he is going to contribute with the kids.

 

Think of me tomorrow at 11am, ill be dying.

[vla1120]

Hey Moniq. It's 12:12pm. I've been thinking of you, hoping everything went okay for you. I'm glad to see you have a good support system in place. Take care of yourself. Cyber hugs and positive thoughts coming your way....

[Moniq]

Thanks V, I am in my car waiting for the mediator to type up the agreement I am a mess. I tried so hard not to cry but I failed. It's so awkward sitting across the table and laying out all our personal things so that someone can write it down and present to a judge. The room is so cold and my nerves had the best of me, I was shivering. I am in that room thinking about when we had gone to the courthouse to get married and now it's over. I can't believe my life right now!!!! God please help me!!

[Moniq]

The day was horrible but im glad its over. He is now the one who is going to take the papers down to the court to file. I am soon to be single. Not one of the high lights of my life. I never ever imagined this for me. I hope he is happy. I want to say so many nasty things to him, but im not. I am done. I have to move on. He cant be worth crying for since he's not fighting for his family. F** him and everything he does from now on. I can say that I hate him. And not so much what he's doing to me but to our family. He was just about to cry when we had to discuss custody. I hope it kills him. He got emotional when he said he could only see them once every two months. But oh well, that's his choice. I have the best of him right next to me.

[Moniq]

So the Ex just took the kids to spend the night at his house. I am beyond devastated right now. I never thought I would ever have to pack an overnight bag for my kids. I feel like im shipping them out. My ex saw how emotional I was and gave me a hug and said 'not to worry, they were in good hands' I obviously trust him with my life (kids) so that's not the problem the problem lies in that I too was a kid from divorced parents and I know what its like to have to pack an overnight bag to go to my dads house. Except now im doing it for MY kids. The kids don't have to go through this. I hate this so much. I failed my kids. I am so sorry. Somewhere down the line I did something I was not supposed to and I messed this up. I wish I had a time machine. I know my ex is to blame to but I wish that things could get back to normal. ahhhhh. My head is killing me. I miss my little ones. Remember, I was a stay at home mom. I have NEVER been away from my kids. I do everything. I miss them, Good night.

[Yarrow]

He's not worth your tears. Your life will be better without him. You'll see.

 

It sounds like the mechanics of the divorce will be sorted out quickly. That's good. It lets you focus on taking care of yourself and your kids.

 

In future, when he's going to be taking the kids for the night, you should be getting lots of notice. Arrange to meet someone for dinner right after. Stay over with your family or something. Try not to be alone so much. Alone is when we do our craziest thinking.

 

You did not fail your kids! Your husband abandoned his family because he is a selfish jerk who took advantage of a good woman. That's what it is. You're not the one who is leaving.

[vla1120]

You did not fail your kids! Your husband abandoned his family because he is a selfish jerk who took advantage of a good woman. That's what it is. You're not the one who is leaving.

 

I second that! This was HIS choice, not yours, Moniq. I know you're going through hell right now. Draw support from your family and take good care of yourself. This too shall pass.

[Moniq]

Woke up alone. Feeling like I've been beaten down. I am no longer a Mrs. No longer a Military wife, I'm timeshareing my kids like they are a fu**ing apartment. I am so angry. I just wish I could go to sleep and fast forward my life. I felt so safe in my marriage in every way possible and now I feel vulnerable like something wrong is going to happen.

[vla1120]

Go out to breakfast with your mom. Go window shopping. Do something that will take your mind off all of this.

 

That's what I'm about to do. He spent the night at his girlfriend's house again after I asked him to have the decency to wait until after I move out on 10/9 to carry on with her. Every time he does this, it devastates my 17-yr-old. Yesterday, he told her if she doesn't agree to meet the GF and be nice to her, then she won't see much of her dad because he'll be spending all his time with the GF. Really? I'm beginning to hate him. I just want this OVER with! I'm taking my daughter dress shopping for a wedding we have in October that falls on the weekend of what would have been our 32nd Anniversary. This should be fun.

[Mittens]

Also, one thing I learned from my own childhood - I never bad mouth their father, ever. When my mother complained about my dad, it cut me to the core. It was as if she was complaining about and hating me. I was made of half his DNA, after all.

 

 

As someone who still has a mother who bad mouths her father 25 years after the divorce, it makes me so glad to know there are mothers out there who have the sense not to do it.

 

My mother even has said that she hates the fact that myself and my older brother look so much like my father...it is impossible to express how much that hurts.

[Moniq]

Thanks guys!

 

VLA, how do you cope with him having another woman? I'm dreading that day. I just went to my ex's best friends house when he was with my kids. I passed by so that the kids could say goodbye to their aunt. And it was awkward. I didn't want to go but my son wanted to see her. My ex was so cold. Whatever.

[Moniq]

Yeah that pretty messed up on his part telling his own daughter that. I would be very angry.

[Misadventure]

I never ever imagined this for me. I hope he is happy. I want to say so many nasty things to him, but im not. I am done. I have to move on. He cant be worth crying for since he's not fighting for his family. F** him and everything he does from now on. I can say that I hate him. And not so much what he's doing to me but to our family. He was just about to cry when we had to discuss custody. I hope it kills him. He got emotional when he said he could only see them once every two months. But oh well, that's his choice. I have the best of him right next to me.

 

No you didn't and neither of us all did..but it is happening and horrible..You are right, it needs to hurt him so he realizes what he did and what a selfish B@/stard he is..and it may not happen now but one day it will. You do have the best of him.. in your child/children.

 

I failed my kids. I am so sorry. Somewhere down the line I did something I was not supposed to and I messed this up. I wish I had a time machine. I know my ex is to blame to but I wish that things could get back to normal.

 

YOU are not to blame.. and I know.. it is so easy for us to blame ourselves if they left and turned to someone else.. it must be something we did.. something we weren't.. something we were not fulfilling. THAT IS BULLOCKS!! He is the one that failed YOU and your child/children. He was the one that was weak.. that did not mean his vows...that broke his vows.. and left the marriage. It is ON HIM. Unless you were effing around, a druggie or abusing him, there are no excuses for the sh/y/t he has done, and this is ON HIM.

 

Go out to breakfast with your mom. Go window shopping. Do something that will take your mind off all of this.

....Yesterday, he told her if she doesn't agree to meet the GF and be nice to her, then she won't see much of her dad because he'll be spending all his time with the GF. Really? I'm beginning to hate him. I just want this OVER with!

 

 

Listen to VLA, go get out, do something that is going to deter your focus.. I recommend watching the movie Pacific Rim anytime you get down because there is so much action in that film, it draws you in and you can't think of ASTBX effing m'f effing effer. Vla..Hate him, get it out, focus on the why's, and then work on releasing it so it won't consume you... and that may take time. I know.. I hate mine also with such a passion.. but I don't want that hate to fill my life and make me better. You have much to offer. When you are ready, you will let go of that hate and fill that empty space with all the love that you have for other things...life.. and eventually someone else, I have faith in this. I don't know from experience yet but I do know the kind heart you have and so many here have...it will be filled with so much that the world has that is RIGHT in the world...just after time.

[vla1120]

:sick::sick:

 

I hate him too!! How dare he say that to his own daughter?? I'd kick my DAD in the ****ing teeth if he said that to me! BE NICE?? BE NICE to an old whore?? Who the hell do you think you are talking to?

He'd be lucky if I spoke another word to him after that conversation!

She won't see much of her dad???? adios! *******! He wouldn't be seeing much of his daughter if I was his kid! at 17 she has to see what jerk he is.

UGH! I despise this man!

 

She knows, BK. She sees him for what he is. He's slowly (well, quickly, actually) alienating each of his daughters. I just need keep my sanity until 10/9, then I am out of here and he is no longer my issue.

 

Moniq, I haven't felt admiration for him in some years. He ruined that when he cheated 17 years ago. Even so, I am bothered that within two days of discussing divorce, he was on a dating site. Within two weeks, he was madly in love and telling my daughters that this is "the one." I'm trying to tell myself that this is just concrete confirmation that finally leaving him was the right decision. It still hurts that he didn't have the decency to wait, but I guess that's a testament to his character, or lack thereof.

 

You are a good woman. He is the one losing out in all of this. You are going to come out of this strong and independent, and someday, you will find someone who appreciates you and cherishes you. You'll know what to look for and what to avoid next time. Hang in there. Cyber hugs!!

[vla1120]

I just want to say that all of you are such a great support system. I appreciate everyone of you and your supportive, kind words. We're all different ages, from different areas, in different stages of this mess of separation and divorce and healing, and yet we've come together to support one another in a difficult part of our lives. My heart is filled with appreciation and admiration for each of you. (Sorry I hijacked your thread to say that, Moniq!)

[Moniq]

VLA, you all can hijack my thread any time. I really do feel better writing and sharing with you all and appreciate everyones input.

 

My ex just dropped off the kids and I cant help but look at him and just want to shake him so that he can snap out of it. We still have to go tomorrow to get out papers notarized. He was holding our daughter and she did not want to let him go. I asked him if it hurt him seeing her not want to let go of him, and he said of course im not made of stone. He is made of stone. Wow, I cant snap out of it.

[Moniq]

BK, that's my favorite movie. And that quote is very true!!!! I've used it just not on myself.