Living with his Ghost

[Misadventure]

The best movie to watch (for me anyway)

Under the Tuscan Sun

 

She says a line in that movie that just resonated with me (and probably all of us in that position)

 

How does it not kill you? A stab to the heart like that SHOULD kill you. That it doesn't is just cruel. (or something to that effect)

 

It seems like it should kill you, that you should be lying dead on the floor from the gaping hole in your chest. You wake up in the morning thinking...are you kidding me? I'm still not dead from this?

 

It's a good movie to watch. I hope your days get better!

Just remember it's HIS problem, HIS faults, HIS character flaws....not you!

 

 

Love this!!! It is so spot on.

[Moniq]

So im working from home, while training, and I have this pain in the pit of my stomach. I keep thinking about HIM. He is finishing up his end of the paper work and then he takes them to the court house. I wonder if he's taking them to the one we got married in. Huh? In any case. I broke down and texted him. I told him that I hate this cold distance between us. He said he is trying but that I am creating it. I know I have been creating it since im trying not to deal with him, but it hurts. I don't want to be his friend but I cant stand being this way towards him. He is trying to be cordial and polite and keeping it clean, all while I am ignoring him. This mess is all to real and I cant stand it.

 

I went to starbucks today to 'work' and I started talking to some guys that were there. And the Lawyer called me so I broke down crying. I don't embarrass easily but it sucked to cry in front of someone, who by the way were so nice and I told them I was getting divorced and they were very helpful. One guy was single and cute but I was a mess and didn't even get a chance to flirt. Whatever I have to move on but this is killing me. Like the movie, divorce is like being shot in the heart, but you don't die from a broken heart.

[Moniq]

Don't know if ive asked this before but do you thing ONE day, that our partners that left us, will realize what a mistake they made?

This is if there was never any violence, cheating, or abuse.

I wonder if its possible, to one day wake up and think, hey, im alone, no kids, no partner, I think I screwed up. Im not hoping for it, but just wondering if stupid people realize they are stupid.

[Yarrow]

Will he ever regret leaving us? I doubt it. Mine doesn't seem to have enough insight into his own personality and motivations for that. I used to fantasize that he would come to his senses and come back and tell me that he realizes how good he has it with me and promise to be a better husband. Pure fantasy. Not going to happen.

 

I do think that he's going to find that the grass is not greener. He thinks he left me to get away from his problems and unhappiness, but since the problem is actually him, it's is going to follow him. If he is ready to grow up, he'll figure that out and regret what he's thrown away. But I don't think he's going to learn, so instead he find a way to blame me for everything, just like he did for everything he wasn't happy about when we were married.

 

But this is the good part: that's not my problem anymore!

 

Not my problem. If he starts chasing skirt and finds it's not as easy to get laid as he thought it would be, not my problem! If he shacks up with another woman and finds out that younger and more pliable doesn't make him as happy as he thought it would, not my problem! If he starts seeing his buddies have kids and wish that he hadn't thrown his wife and son away, not my problem!

 

You got your family, you got your kids, you got a job. You have a life without him. You're grieving now, and it is a process you have to go through. There's no shortcut. But aim for a place where what he does no longer means anything to you. You'll be crying much less soon enough.

[Moniq]

God help me!!! I am at work and I start thinking of you know who and I start to get nervous. I need to feel better. I would not wish this pain on anyone. I told a guy I met yesterday that I would never marry again and he asked me if I was in a bad marriage. I said it was great, so then he said, then if it went well why wouldn't you try again???? That got me thinking. I think I wouldn't do it again is because I don't want to go through this heartache again.

[vla1120]

I was just talking with someone about this today. She knows I'm going through a divorce, just recovering from breast cancer, moving into my new apartment two weeks from tomorrow, and most recently, my 17-yr-old found a lump in her breast. The ultrasound shows a solid mass. She's scheduled for a biopsy on 10/1. My coworker asked "How can you cope with all this and do your job?!" I thought for a moment - told her that my daughter is the one going through the biopsy (I just have to support her completely), and the rest of it I simply compartmentalize. I think that's why I could stay for 32 years with him. I've always been very good at locking away the unpleasant parts, when necessary. Unfortunately, I also locked away much of myself - more so than I ever realized. I'm working on rediscovering myself. I'll still compartmentalize - especially at work - but I'll be careful not to lose myself in all those vaults from now on!

 

As far as marrying again - no way! I don't even see myself ever being in a relationship again!

Edited September 24, 2013 by vla1120

[Moniq]

I just gave my husband one last hug as husband and wife. We both said we were sorry and he went on his way. Sh*t, I love that man so much it hurts, hurts me so bad. He is going tomorrow to the court house to turn in the papers. I hate that I am crying over a man, a man that does not love me.

 

Vla, im so sorry to hear about your daughter. You know its things like that that piss me off. I hate crying over a man. They are so not worth this pain and agony. You be strong and support your daughter, the only real thing worth fighting for. I am thinking of you.

[vla1120]

Thank you, Moniq. I just know she'll be okay. She has to be. She's just a baby!

 

You're going to be okay, Moniq - maybe not today, but someday soon. We're all going to be okay because we're stronger - stronger than the ones who have disappointed us and do not deserve us! Love IS worth fighting for. You just have to find the one who makes it worth fighting for, and you will one day. Hugs.

[Moniq]

And that's is what confuses me. My husband is worth it and worth fighting for. I did fight for him ( long story ) but its what he's done now that has shattered my heart. I am going to fight for myself! I am worth fighting for.

 

Vla big hugs to you and your daughter.

[Moniq]

So my STBX is going to the court house today. So I asked him which court house are you going to and he said he didn't know. Because the only court house he knows about is the one we got married in. Ugh. He is leaving today thank god. I can't take it anymore. My sister in law said that he is "emotionally drained"

[Moniq]

I'm sitting in my car waiting for a uniform store to open and I am losing my mind! My make up is ruined. I might have to pass by a drug store so that the people at work don't see me look like crap. I know I've said it a hundred times but I don't deserve this!!! I don't!!!! These crocodile tears are bad.

The death of my old life! I just want to be normal. Not cry I'm so glad no ones around me.

 

Thanks for reading I just needed to write and vent a little.

[Yarrow]

Here's a hug, cuz that's what you need.

 

This might sound like a silly thing, but I have some practical solutions for tears. I had to keep going to work while my husband was leaving me. So I know what it feels like not being able to keep it together and worried that everyone will be able to tell I've been crying.

 

Keep one of those cooling gel eye mask thingies in your fridge so you can put in on when you get home or before you go to bed.

 

This stuff is amazing: All About Eyes Serum De-Puffing Eye Massage | Eye & Lip Care | Skin Care | Clinique

 

It's not that great for dark circles, but it is amazing for the puffiness you get the morning after you've been crying. Use before bed and when you get up in the morning. I kept it in my purse so I could use it through the day. I don't know what's in it, but it works even better than ice packs. Avoid dark eyeliner and just forget about mascara for now, it's just going to run later in the day and will be messy to clean up. Just use neutral eyeshadow and maybe a dab of highlighter in the inner corner of your eye and that will be good enough for the time being. Unless you work at a make-up counter and your employer requires full face make-up. But then, if you did, you'd know better than me what to do. Maybe keep some of those pocket packs of eye make-up remover and a small compact in your purse in case you ruin everything and need to clean it all up and retouch.

[Moniq]

Thanks for the make up advice.

 

Today while in a meeting, which lasted all day, I got a text from the Ex. Call me, it said. He was supposed to take our daughter to the doctor so I made the call. Except he was at the court house and they did not let him file without me. We were told that he could do it alone. He was so angry, and at me!! He's like you need to be here tomorrow at 8:30am. I told him I had a meeting and cant leave work, especially since I just started. He was almost yelling. He said about how much money he's spent already and he does not have money to come back to Miami to file. He was like a nervous reck. Like as if something bad was going to happen if he didn't file. Any how he managed to speak to someone else and do the filing himself.

How crazy, I had to ask to cancel the meeting because of the divorce. Thank god my boss was super understanding. But I didn't have to cancel in the end.

 

Being a stay at home mom, I lost a lot.

I am finally working and I feel good about myself.

I am interacting with people and its fun

I am valued, I am a weight loss coach and they hired me to run a new project they are starting up. If I do good I can open other little centers. That makes me feel so good since I am being used for my knowledge. I feel worth it. I truly hope this works since I don't have the best resume. Im not computer savvy or any of that but I am willing and eager to learn. And I may travel just a little for work. How fun is that!!

 

Ps, husband is currently on his way back to al

[Misadventure]

Moniq, he is acting like a childish p/r/i/c/k!! Most likely because he is!

 

I am very happy for you that you started anew!!! Keep on focusing on YOU.

 

He can go bloody wank himself to death!

[Moniq]

So I am going to play the lottery. One day, long ago, a woman who was sorta psychic once told me that I would never win the lottery but I will find 'the one', Boy was she wrong!!! I guess she got her wires cross so that means ill win the lottery!!! I hope its a big power ball and not something silly like 2 million. I want big. lol Not ill take anything, but im going to buy my first lotto ticket in 10 years.

[vla1120]

So I am going to play the lottery. One day, long ago, a woman who was sorta psychic once told me that I would never win the lottery but I will find 'the one', Boy was she wrong!!! I guess she got her wires cross so that means ill win the lottery!!! I hope its a big power ball and not something silly like 2 million. I want big. lol Not ill take anything, but im going to buy my first lotto ticket in 10 years.

 

Moniq, maybe you just haven't found "the one" yet! I had a psychic tell me years ago that I would be married twice. I remember him getting all indignant. I said "I'm sure it just means we'll renew our vows." Thanks for reminding me of that! The funny thing was that she picked me out of a crowd at the mall, walked up to me, and started telling me things. That's the only thing I remember her saying, though. I still hope you win the lottery, though!

[Moniq]

No, I was talking about only wanting to marry once and have it last forever or marry 10x's like Elizabeth Taylor. Then I talked about the lottery and she just looked at me and said, you wont win the lotto but you will find the one. Married once. Oh well the lotto it is.

[Moniq]

I am obviously still sad and angry but I have been so busy that I have not had time to think of this moron. I am thinking now because im a starbucks waiting for a call so that I can do some school work. But over all, im ok.

I got hit on by a guy in the freeway. While in rush hour, he yelled out 'let me get your number' he was crazy. I said I was taken and he yelled out doesn't matter, Man people in Miami are weirdo's. But im from here so I guess im one too. lol

 

I am definitely not interested in dating but I just want to know that I still 'got it'.

[vla1120]

It's a good confidence booster to be noticed!

[Moniq]

Today I miss my old life. I miss my house, my street, my friends, my husband and family. I loved my life. I have been thinking about all the random trips my little family and I took, all the hotels we stayed at. The companionship. Packing and unpacking, the time spent as a family. I miss it so much. I miss my old life.

[Moniq]

Ok, feeling a little better. Or a lot better. I saw the most beautiful man in the world. Yesterday I saw him very briefly while working in starbucks, then I saw him this morning at a restaurant where I was having breakfast, then again today at starbucks. He looked like a movie star. The blue eyes, salt and pepper hair. Wow, I had to speak to him so I flirted but only for fun since im sure he has a super model for a girlfriend.

I just wanted to share with you all that for the moment I feel like a little school girl with a crush.

[Moniq]

So I saw the hot man again today. Except it made me sad. Sad because I don't know if I am ready to date. How do you know? Everyone is saying that I should heal before I should start dating. I should wait. Why? What do I have to do to be able to start dating?

 

I know what I did wrong in the relationship, I devoted my life to it. He left me. And although I bet it will be a while before I go on a date its still good to know what I have to do to prepare myself.

[vla1120]

Someone may have a better answer than me, but I don't know if there is a "right" or "wrong" time. I think it depends on the individual and how well you've adjusted to the situation. I would be cautious because you're still on the rollercoaster ride. I feel like, in my case, I'm not going to be ready to even consider dating until I'm fully comfortable with myself and the drastic changes that are taking place in my life - especially when I move into my own place in a week and a half. That being said, this weekend was very lonely for me. I was alone all weekend and really got a glimpse into my future, spending time alone when my daughters are out of the house for good. I realized that maybe I would enjoy companionship after all. I saw friends this weekend, but it wasn't the same as sharing time with a partner. Maybe someday.....when I'm done evolving and rediscovering myself. Either way - dating is a scary prospect!! (At least, for me!)

[Moniq]

I only bring this up because of the gorgeous man that I saw today. Im not saying that I want or need to be with someone but it gave me a different perspective when it comes to being with someone else. I never saw myself with anyone else other than my exH. After seeing this man, I now can see myself with someone else. Nothing will ever happen with that man but it made me see that I may not necessary be alone for the rest of my life. I can one day develop feeling for someone else. Am I making sense?

 

Im not saying im perfect but im ok with myself. I am changing other things that I don't like about my life, like, getting my degree. I know that I have to be more ambitious and take charge of my life. but relationship wise I don't know what I have to do so that I can 'fix' myself. I say this because my exH has yet to tell me what he hates about me other than not being career oriented.

[vla1120]

I only bring this up because of the gorgeous man that I saw today. Im not saying that I want or need to be with someone but it gave me a different perspective when it comes to being with someone else. I never saw myself with anyone else other than my exH. After seeing this man, I now can see myself with someone else. Nothing will ever happen with that man but it made me see that I may not necessary be alone for the rest of my life. I can one day develop feeling for someone else. Am I making sense?

 

Im not saying im perfect but im ok with myself. I am changing other things that I don't like about my life, like, getting my degree. I know that I have to be more ambitious and take charge of my life. but relationship wise I don't know what I have to do so that I can 'fix' myself. I say this because my exH has yet to tell me what he hates about me other than not being career oriented.

 

Moniq, you don't need to "fix" yourself because your ex left you. He did not appreciate you! I was a military wife who worked. It was VERY HARD to try to maintain a career while moving all over the world! Military spouses keeping the home fires burning should be enough for any military member.

 

You will meet someone who will appreciate you JUST the way you are! Hey, it may even be the gorgeous guy, and there's nothing wrong with that!