Talking to people has been the best therapy - so here it goes!

[im_thedude]

Cheers Chi town. Some days seem to be great, while on others it seems like everything triggers these hopeful, emotional feelings. My friend and I went up to SF the other day - had a great time sitting outside a cafe and exchanging smiles with all the lovely young ladies in that city. It definitely feels nice having the liberty to start chatting with whoever I want!

[im_thedude]

Not feeling great this morning! Found an old letter from my ex, written about two months before she broke up with me. Here is the body of the letter:

 

 

I've been blamed more and more recently for all the problems in our relationship. I've tried very hard, even before our big blow up, to make sure we were building our relationship back up. But still, my efforts have had no effect, you're so blind and so self-involved that at the end of the day, you still go home and feel like ****.

 

You tell me how I'm just going to break up with you, that "the writing is on the wall," and all you've created is a cloud of doom over my head. If it is going to fail in your eyes then it's going to fail completely. I can try all I want, and I DID try VERY hard, but all you see is it ending anyways. And I told you, if you're going to think that way, then it's going to happen. I've had so much placed on my shoulders and you have been so NEGATIVE about our relationship. I am so upset that you are negative, I've told you countless of times that you need to see the brighter things in life but you still don't do that.

 

I am tired of being treated as if I'm a cheating, lying, awful person. You don't trust me. You don't like the things I do. You don't like the things I say. I don't know how you like me. I don't know why YOU'VE stayed. And at this point, there is no reason to answer that question anymore. You were so immature last night, you hung up on me before I even started talking. You didn't know what I was going to say! And I wasn't going to say what you thought.

 

I wanted this to work out. I wanted to go on this big trip with you and show you that everything is going to be fine. But with the way you've treated me the past few days, the things you accuse me of, and the things you say....there's just no hope. I have lost hope in you.

 

I am going to miss so SO many things that I share with you, it's a very long list. I am losing more than my relationship, I am losing a life I've built with you for almost three years. I'm not happy about this, don't think for one second that I'm not feeling anything over this. I'm devastated. I honestly thought it was going to workout.

 

 

Needless to say, it stirs up a lot of emotions that I've kept mostly in control the past couple of weeks. On one hand, I have this stupid urge to reach out to her again, quoting this letter, with some hopes of jogging something lose.

 

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure this immense pain I'm feeling and the above longing to reach out to her is an act of desperation, knowing that this letter is only more proof that she checked out on the relationship well before she officially broke up with me. It's just proof that her feelings for me have had more time to fade than I had thought, and that kills more of the nagging hope I've felt crop up lately. It's logically a good thing to know the hope is dissipating through stumbling across things like this, but I'll be damned if it doesn't hurt.

 

If you'll excuse me, I need to get out of this house before I do something stupid!

[lovesucks76]

Sorry for your pain. We all have been through it so we know how frustrating it can be. The hard truth is that your RS is OVER. Yes OVER! It sucks but that's the truth. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't really love you back? It makes no sense. The only way she'll respect you again is by you standing your ground and letting her be. Don't call...she broke up with you, if she wants you back she knows where to find you. This is not a game , this is real....it's not about winning or losing. The only way you will survive this is by being honest with yourself. She's done with you, now it's time for you to be done with her. This is your decision not hers. You and only YOU can chose to move on and really focus on yourself. You will never heal if you keep re-reading old letters, looking at pics, checking on her online...etc. Move on! She's part of the past now.

 

IMPORTANT, please read and memorize this: You will never move on until you have giving up all hope of getting back together.

 

Good luck dude!

[Chi townD]

Dude, she wrote that letter two months before the break up. When she wrote that letter, she even admitted pulling away from you. She stated that you wouldn't even listen to her (and why would you? She could tell you the sky was green, still didn't change the fact that she was having inappropriate relationships with other guys). She had already checked out of the relationship when she wrote that letter.

 

And, if your re-read it again, I would LOVE for you to point out to me ANYWHERE in that letter where she shouldered ANY blame for her hand in the demise of the relationship! Just one sentence! Do you see it? No? NEITHER DO I!!!!!

 

That letter was constructed to help ease her guilt. To have you shoulder the entire blame for the demise of the relationship. So, she can go about guilt free. It was her way of saying, "OH WELL! I tried!" Which is complete and utter BS. That letter was as selfish as it can get without clipping pics of herself with other dudes on it!

 

Don't let this get you down.

[im_thedude]

If by trying, she just chose to be even more stubborn and compromise even less in some effort for me to cave, then yes, she definitely tried. I'm proud that I stood by what I was feeling, even if it clearly didn't prevent anything.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

How you getting on dude? My ex checked out two months before we broke up too, I saw all the signs on her Twitter but never took action.

 

I live in regret and sadness it's only been three weeks. We were in a LDR and the last time I saw her was April. Your comment about remembering the weight of her on your body really pulled my memory strings and I nearly had a break down. It made me remember hers on mine, all the way back from April. I too have started to forget what she looked like in real life and it's so scary.

[im_thedude]

I'm a wreck. I've gotten so much sound advice from the good people on this forum, that I'm ashamed to admit I'm not really doing a whole lot better.

 

NC in the sense of me not calling, texting, or emailing her has been a breeze. That ship has sailed and that's that. If there is ever any direct communication, it will be started by her.

 

I think I might be some sort of emotional masochist though, because I keep checking in on her instagram or tumblr (the two platforms I can't be blocked on) and it just keeps hurting me and stirring up emotions. I don't know if I'm still checking in to see if there are any signs of hope, or if I'm looking at her stuff to hurt myself so much that eventually I'm just numbed to it all. It's ironic that her social media habits were a problem during our relationship, and now it's causing me grief even after it's ended. It's also ironic that she went on vacation to her hometown and has spent the week with one of the "friends" she had met online, and I know they've been flirting and probably having some fling.

 

And I'm ashamed that I know that much about her life now. I shouldn't. Regardless it's frustrating and like Chi_town said, makes me literally feel like an addict.

 

Despite seeing pictures of her going hiking and at aquariums with another man, I still have this dumb irrational hope that she comes back from this vacation and crawls back to me.

 

I've been especially emotional and lonely these past few days. The split left this huge void in my life - we were best friends and spent so much time together. I think I miss companionship and being in a relationship in general, and since I think that, my mind automatically relates it to me being with my ex. A part of me misses her because I'm lonely, but a part of me misses her because... there was a reason we were together in the first place and I loved her.

 

Like I said, it's just embarrassing to admit it all.

[Never Again]

IMPORTANT, please read and memorize this: You will never move on until you have giving up all hope of getting back together.

 

THIS.

 

Ever see the movie "Swingers"? There's scene where they go over the general theory of ex's, and it's ridiculously true.

 

The theory is, essentially, that you need to move on. It's the only option you have, no matter what you want.

 

Want to be happy alone? Need to forget about her.

 

Want to be able to find someone new and be happy? Need to forget about her.

 

Want a chance to get her back? Need to forget about her.

 

The only choice you have is to let go of her, and move beyond the pain and frustration of the past. Sake of argument: let's say you want her back and she chooses to come back - do you think it would last if you're still stewing and miserable over what happened? Nope, it would tear you up and would cause more pain. Ex's also seem to "know" to not come back until you've moved on. It's a creepy universal constant.

 

Point is: move on for you. It's the only option you have, and nothing else will work out until you do.

[im_thedude]

THIS.

 

Ever see the movie "Swingers"? There's scene where they go over the general theory of ex's, and it's ridiculously true.

 

The theory is, essentially, that you need to move on. It's the only option you have, no matter what you want.

 

Want to be happy alone? Need to forget about her.

 

Want to be able to find someone new and be happy? Need to forget about her.

 

Want a chance to get her back? Need to forget about her.

 

The only choice you have is to let go of her, and move beyond the pain and frustration of the past. Sake of argument: let's say you want her back and she chooses to come back - do you think it would last if you're still stewing and miserable over what happened? Nope, it would tear you up and would cause more pain. Ex's also seem to "know" to not come back until you've moved on. It's a creepy universal constant.

 

Point is: move on for you. It's the only option you have, and nothing else will work out until you do.

 

 

I completely see how logically sound it is. It's just been really hard to put in practice. I know, I know - same old sob story.

[im_thedude]

I ended up breaking NC to let my ex know how I truly felt about her.

 

After her dragging her feet in getting my stuff back, I was just so sick and tired of how screwed up a person she's been to me. Between that, victimizing herself to blame the demise of the relationship on me, the general disrespect during the relationship, and her turning around and getting with another guy just weeks after telling me how she loved me, I was just so tired.

 

When she had last heard from me, I was telling her how I still loved her and wanted to grab a cup of coffee one day - pleading, basically. So I sent her a text telling her how much of a self-centered, disrespectful, heartless, two-faced cancer she is. I told her how wrong it was to victimize herself to get out of the relationship guilt free, only to hop into another relationship with another man she had all lined up. I jeered at her seemingly being a serial monogamist. I pointed out how her and her dad are both alike - always playing the victim, always self-centered, and how they both seem to chew through friends and spit them out never to talk to them again. Then I demanded my stuff back.

 

She only responded once during this series of consecutive texts with a weak attempt and denying any wrongdoing and I told her to keep rationalizing it in her head that she's a good person. At first, I had hoped what I said to her would hurt her bad, but this morning I woke up and felt a strange sense of closure. I doubt, at the end of the night, she absorbed any of what I said. But I'm just glad my last impression for her wasn't me being on my knees.

 

I really do feel like I came out on top at the end of all this, knowing how screwed up a person she is and will continue to be. And most of all, I feel zero guilt for the demise of the relationship, and now we both know how I feel about her.

[JDPT]

You did manage to get a lot out of your chest but be prepared to endure more emotional rollercoaster rides. This is survival and you are all that matters from this point forward. I luckily understood from day one that the relationship between her and I was over and over for good. I never hoped or wished to reconcile but when through and still am going through my grieving process. Again, this is your journey and no one else's, there are certain times in life when you need to be selfish and this is clearly one of them. Learn from this experience and grow as a person, all this pain will eventually make sense to you.

[BC1980]

I completely see how logically sound it is. It's just been really hard to put in practice. I know, I know - same old sob story.

 

You really have to be strong like you never have before. JDPT says it well. It's pure survival at this point. Pure logic.

[im_thedude]

Forgive me, this will be a long one. Just needed a spot to treat as a journal and this old thread will have to do. Not quite at the four month mark, post break up.

 

I'm still not doing all that well. It seems like I'm really struggling with the final push to let go of her from my mind, and it's just been so tough and frustrating.

 

The reasons we didn't work out as a couple, contrasted with the reasons she used to break up with me, are blatantly obvious. We ultimately didn't work out because she was too stubborn and self-centered to put my feelings ahead of what she was doing. Her drive to "be herself" became poison to our bond together. She broke up with me, largely citing how a part of her had died in the final year of the relationship, yet whenever we had been at a crossroads I was always the one who bent over backward (sometimes willingly, sometimes unwillingly because she dangled out relationship in the balance) and gave in to her habits. So she victimized herself when in reality I tried my very hardest to suit her needs.

 

That, paired with her having another romantic interest all lined up online that she had befriended while we were together, really opened my eyes to who she is as a person. In the first week or two after the break, when I pleaded and bargained for her to come back, she kept pressing how she wanted space and time. Little did I know that was a lie. I honestly don't see a lot of good qualities in her anymore.

 

Yet despite her heating up with another guy, getting a whole new group of friends, making a large number of changes to her life and seemingly moving on quite easily, I still find myself dreaming of her. Sometimes they are dreams where we are together as if nothing ever happened, sometimes they are bad dreams. I've not seen her in person since the day she walked out. I've not heard her voice over the phone in two months. The last text was over a month ago, just a note that my stuff was left at a friends house to pick up.

 

I remember reading the GIGS thread and feeling troubled that it first and foremost lined up pretty well with my ex's situation, and second that it instilled some degree of hope that she would "snap out of it" and come back. And that hope has fluctuated from being non-existent a lot of days to quite severe others. Last week, I was sitting in my backyard, brushing my dog while the sun was setting. For the life of me, I don't know why, but I just started sobbing. The life I had just seven or eight months ago was so much better than the life I have now. And my relationship - flaws, fights and all - was the reason.

 

It's not like I've just been sitting in my room all day every day, looking at old photo albums of us. I go out with my friends very often, and always have a good time. Rarely do thoughts of my ex sprout up during those instances. I plug in quite well at my current job and even enjoy the mild flirting that goes on with one of my coworkers (who plain as day I could see is incompatible with me). In short, I'm trying to move on but keep feeling this tug back toward thoughts of my ex.

 

I didn't feel the urge to text or contact her for a month, until now. I don't even know what I would say - something feeble like "I miss you," "I miss you and I," or asking if she wanted to grab coffee. Maybe sending her a photo of us together. Not sure what caused this sudden resurgence of these feelings. I had noticed she unblocked me off of Facebook and remember feeling like I won a meek victory for her merely thinking of me for a split second. And I remember also jeering at other forum users for getting their bells' clocked by this very same thing.

 

I feel pathetic. Since she left, I've not gotten one text from her asking how I was, or telling me how she missed me. No sign whatsoever. I know I should take this as a blessing in disguise because breadcrumbs are bad, and again I know I'm a hypocrite but a part of me wishes there was some sign that she thinks of me. I wasn't sure why I have this fight to stay relevant in someone's mind when I'm not even in their life anymore. I realized it's because I don't want to not be in her life. I want to be in her life and I want her in mine. I wish she hadn't jumped into this thing with the other guy so soon and had taken some time to think about us while she was single.

 

And as I sit here like a miserable sack of ****, I know shamefully for a fact that she took a flight up north and is with her new sort-of boyfriend at this exact moment. Possibly cuddling, possibly having sex, possibly eating breakfast together. And I'm this miserably lonely man still caught up in a woman who's caught up in another man. I feel like equal parts a psycho, a depressed addict, and a split personality. Literally last night, a few hours ago, my friend and I had a great time snapping cool, urban photos in the rain. How could a mind being so elastic? Is it time to seek therapy?

[hestheone66]

Many posts ago you said you were going to make use of work sponsored counselling. It sounds like you may be prone to depression anyway and your focus on past is typical of a depressive illness. Please take care and remember that your breakup is a form of grief and as you know, deeply affecting your ability to function in day to day life.

In my opinion everyone going through major life change should seek therapy, especially tje young. It gives you tools to use throughout life ...cos change is a constanr in the universe.