My sister wont stop talking to my ex!

[retro80zkids]

My ex and I have 50/50 custody. We dont get along. She even went as far as to take my two little girls to therapy without any discussion with me at all only to stop suddenly when it turned out all the problems were at her house.

 

So heres my problem.

 

My sister wont stop talking to her. Even has had thanksgiving with her for the last three years. She knows this hurts me and I have asked her to stop (she even told me she would) but she still continues to associate with my ex. I know this gives my ex pleasure that my sister and I have problems about this.

 

 

What do I do? How do I handle this?

[Ladyjane14]

This is not good for your kids. It must be very difficult to get along with someone that you feel resentful towards. But it is ABSOLUTELY necessary for the mental health of your little people.

 

My parents were divorced, and it was the best thing for them. I can't imagine how two such mismatched people ever got together to begin with!

 

What is best for the kids, however, is two parents who present a united front. That doesn't mean that they have to live together, it means that they take their parenting responsibilities seriously enough to act in the best interest of the children AT ALL TIMES. They support each other's methods of discipline, and show respect towards the other parent.

 

When you reject a child's parent, you are rejecting HALF of what makes that child who s/he is. Even if you don't mean it that way, that will be the child's perception.

 

As far as Sister goes. If she's a good Auntie to your children, then that's also what is best for your children. It may gall you that she is hanging out with your ex, but if she's creating a loving bond with her nieces/nephews, then that is a good thing. Don't poison your relationship with Sister over it.

 

It really sounds like you could all use some family counseling. As your children's mother will always have a place in your life, you will need to find a way to make peace with that.

 

 

Good luck.

[MassiveAtom]

A few questions,

 

What is it about you, that needs your sister to end her relationship with your ex, for you to be happy?

 

What is it about you, that needs your sister to obey your wishes, for you to be happy?

 

What is it about you, that needs to control your sister, for you to be happy?

 

It's all in your head.

 

Change your mind.

 

mA

[retro80zkids]

its not that i am trying to control anything. This women has used my kids to hurt me in every which way imaginable. Including trying to get my daughters shots done all over again. She thought I was withholding a shot record that I never had and decided she would try and see if I had it by starting the shots all over again and it was only when I went to the doctors office and got a copy did that game stop.

 

My ex had tried to ruin my 12 year career by trying to get me fired. (she married a supervisor at my work)

 

I just want my sister to understand how much it hurts that she is friends with someone who is hurting her brother so bad. Why is that wrong? Why is it wrong to be hurt? My ex tells my sister all these lies about how I dont pay child support when I have the kids Mon - Thursday. So there is no child support for me to pay. She has told her I never see the kids and she has full custody of them. But of course since my sister only sees her on the weekends and wont come see me, she believes all of this.

 

So no, I dont believe it is all in my head. When my wife and I have to see checks that she pays us still have my name on it from years ago I dont believe its in my head. I went off that account right after I moved out, suddenly in January of this year, my name reappears on her checks. Banks wont help me, I guess its not illegal but still.......thats NOT NORMAL! In all these years she couldnt spend 15 dollars to get new checks???

 

 

VENT OVER!

[MassiveAtom]

There's part of you that needs your sister to be on your side. That's completely reasonable and actually QUITE NORMAL. You believe that your sister should support you, by not being friends with your ex . Again, completely reasonable.

 

The truth as I see it, is that your sister values her relationship with this person. I'm sure she doesn't value her relationship with you any less. And I bet she wishes you could see that. It most likely saddens her that the two of you aren't together, she wants to be involved in your daughters lives, and because of the unfairness of divorce to men in this society, she really has no option BUT to remain cordial and friendly with your ex.

 

I'm sorry you feel pain and conflict in that. I understand how you must feel. Trust yourself and let go of the need to be understood. No one can understand you better than you can.

 

Go ahead, get angry at your sister. Venting is good, but don't hurt your sister with that. There's a great web-site that can help you learn to cope with the stress your sister's relationship with your ex is causing you. http://www.coping.org has helped a multitude of people with serious issues of loss, and self value. I know it helped me. I think it could help you.

 

You love your sister, and have been hurt by everyone I'm sure. Now is the time to reevaluate just how you comprehend your love for your sister.

 

Expectations of love can easily become unrealistic, check to make sure you aren't expecting too much from someone else.

 

And you know what? Eeverything you describe about your ex-wife says to me that she is trying to control parts of your life that she has no right to control. She can't take responsibility for her own actions so she pushes that responsibility onto other people. Man, That is some SICK $H|T! Accept the fact that your ex is incapable of being a strong, positive person in your life. If you need to take steps to protect yourself from her illness, DO SO.

 

You're stronger than this. Hell you're stronger than you think. I'm sure under all the pain that you are a pretty awesome individual.

 

Glad you posted. Keep it honest and up front. We're all here to help and be helped.

 

Lastly, I'm sorry if you felt any offense by my remarks to your original post. That was not my intent. I wish for you only that for which you wish yourself.

 

Live Strong

 

mA

[tiki]

Your family's obligation is to you, not her.

 

I dealt with this same BS from my mom. And my grandmother. I still (and always have) gotten along with my ex, but they were taking it too far. Even as far as not being able to meet my current b/f because "he" was over at my parents! "He" was even there when my now fiance wanted to get my step-fathers blessing for our marriage! It was sick! Disgusting! I had to drop the bomb on my mom. She was traumatized. But I told her that I could not continue on with my normal life in this fashion. That she had to give my new boyfriend a chance. I reminded her that our marriage didn't work out for a reason!!! Set them straight, this is risiculous, they are not obligated to her, but you! As a family member!

 

When my brother and his girlfriend broke up, I liked his g/f, but I did what was right to cut all ties with her for my brother's sake....even if he was an instrumental part in the break-up. My obligation was to him.

[MassiveAtom]

Why is it that your family MUST be obligated to you to destroy their relationships with someone they care about? Is it indeed wise to demand that anyone else obey your wishes and conform to your way of thinking ? Divorce CAN be destructive, and it doesn't have to be. Unfairness IS unpleasant, and it doesn't have to be destructive. We are only in control of ourselves. No one else. Life is a startling adventure to learn and accept that.

 

Don't hurt your family because they do what they want. Their happiness is the most important, TO THEM, yours is to you. Don't make THEM responsible for your happiness. Take responsibilty for it yourself. If I could give you a hug right now I would, This control issue is everywhere and it can really destroy families...

 

mA

[tiki]

MA, I replied to the question of the original poster and gave him my honest opinion. My family was choosing my ex-husband in such a way that I could not go over there for fear of my ex being over there. They are my support system, my family. It's find to converse, but when I feel uncomfortable because he's always there hanging out, it gets a little weird.

[MassiveAtom]

Yeah Tiki,

 

I know it gets a little wierd. That's exactly what the OP is grappling with. It exactly what I'm working hard to enlighten myself about. Like LadyJAne said, it's for the sake of the kids to do everything you can to provide a unified front for the kids. As much as I hurt about all that's happening to my family, I cannot DEMAND that my family up and drop my ex-wife like the carcass of a dead animal.

 

In reality that WILL NOT HELP MY KIDS. So it's up to me, and ONLY me to be as accepting of everyone during this change, as I can.

 

It is wierd, Tiki. It hurts too don't it?

 

Your pain is the path to your growth, and only YOU can light the way.

 

Live Strong

 

mA

[tiki]

Yeah, there's definitely a difference between a united front and him hanging out over there for a barbeque, eh? It's all good though. I'm glad they like him. They realized they were going overboard and it was hard for me to get on with my life when he was there constantly.

[retro80zkids]

You have to understand, my sister wont listen to anything I say. I have tried telling her how much it hurts me to have her attend Thanksgiving at my ex's home and not mine even when the kids arent at her house and they are with me that year. Its just plain strange. She says she wants to stay out of it which I believed at first BUT then I went to my dad's house and he was asking me questions about my job that only my ex wife knew; told my sister and my sister told my dad. Ended up not even being the truth!!!! Then when my ex and I had a disagreement one year about a holiday, my sister calls ME up and got on me. That's not staying out of it is it?

 

It has gotten to a point that I feel I need to stop speaking with my sister because it is like my ex is using her as an invisable string still attached to me. How do you make someone understand??????

[tiki]

Naw man, wait til you try to plan a wedding shower with the new fiance around your step-father's and ex-husbands football game that they're attending together. My ex may be dropping my step-dad (basically my dad) off at my wedding shower on the way home. PLAH! Disgusting!

[SoleMate]

I agree with MassiveAtom. It is not reasonable for you to demand that your sister end her relationship because you two are divorced. Sure, if the ex were actively trying to destroy you, it would be somewhat disloyal of your sister to continue a relationship with her. However, you do not give ANY solid evidence that supports your claim of evilness on your ex's part. The points about therapy and doctor's shots could be just a misunderstanding or misinterpretation on your part. What is the specific evidence that your wife tried to have you fired? Is there any chance that you could be interpreting all of your ex's actions in the WORST possible light because of your hurt feelings and your anger?

 

Your sister is probably not a fool who is being manipulated by your psychotic ex-wife, and I am sure your sister would not deliberately hurt you. (Has she ever done so before?) She may see your ex as a basically OK person with whom she has formed a relationship, and she doesn't see dropping her like a rock because of disgareements which, all in all, are JUST between you and your ex. Given the divorce rate in our society, if everyone followed your rule of family-to-family shunning after divorce, there would be even more isolation, negativity, and pain. And yes, the kids hurt when the grownups can't act adult.

 

Hey, call me harsh, but I think of you sitting in your house, fuming about the fact that two women, miles away, may occasionally be having some friendly, family times. You want them to stop because their friendliness is hurting YOU. Think about that. If Person A smiles and chats with Person B, that is an offense to YOUR dignity and an assault on your rights. It's deliberately hurtful and just plain wrong in your eyes. I couldn't DISAGREE more.

 

Living well is the best revenge. Why don't you build your own, new, positive friendships and family relationships, so you will have less time to brood on your sister's supposed disloyalty? I mean that in the most positive sense.

[retro80zkids]

The points about therapy and doctor's shots could be just a misunderstanding or misinterpretation on your part. What is the specific evidence that your wife tried to have you fired? Is there any chance that you could be interpreting all of your ex's actions in the WORST possible light because of your hurt feelings and your anger?

 

Um, no the therapist was not just a misunderstanding or misinterpretation AND the therapist didnt think so either when my ex wife told her "no dont tell their father, his insurance will notify him." I can get in to great details but no, nothing to be misunderstood there.......Doctors shots completely over for my daughter, not another misinterpretation. Even the doctors office told me that she demanded they be done all over again becaue I "refused" to give her the record. They were also alarmed by this.

 

You are right, I have no true evidence she tried to have me fired but people do talk and information does get out about this kind of things.

 

 

Hey, call me harsh, but I think of you sitting in your house, fuming about the fact that two women, miles away, may occasionally be having some friendly, family times. You want them to stop because their friendliness is hurting YOU. Think about that. If Person A smiles and chats with Person B, that is an offense to YOUR dignity and an assault on your rights. It's deliberately hurtful and just plain wrong in your eyes. I couldn't DISAGREE more.

 

Living well is the best revenge. Why don't you build your own, new, positive friendships and family relationships, so you will have less time to brood on your sister's supposed disloyalty? I mean that in the most positive sense.

 

Build new positive friendships? This is my sister, she is not someone I want to replace or get over. Yes, it hurts me that my sister would ignore her brother and her two neices on Thanksgiving to spend it with my ex. As for fuming over two women, no, just hurting over the loss of my sister. More, just plain sad.

[Ladyjane14]

I read your other thread from last year. I see some commonality in the two. Both of these threads have to do with behavior by other people that is beyond your ability to control and that you find annoying.

 

Now, you have said that you are "not trying to control anything", but these issues are really small in the grand scheme of things.

 

I'm curious as to what the circumstances were in your divorce. And if the issues that contributed to it were resolved or not. Divorce can be a resolution of sorts in itself, but does not guarantee that the issues go away. (I hope that makes sense.)

 

In other words, whatever unfinished emotional business that you had in your old relationship can follow you into the next. Bitterness and anger that has been unresolved could affect your current relationship in negative ways.

 

Your current s/o may be willing to support your attitude towards your ex-wife out of a sense of loyalty to you, combined with insecurity. (Because of your parenting responsibilties you are in frequent contact with someone that you once loved enough to marry and have a family with. That's going to cause some feelings of insecurity from time to time.)

 

While she may find your displeasure with your ex reassuring for now, there are two things wrong with that: The first being that in order for you to be this irritated by your ex, there must be strong, unresolved feelings. The second being that it makes you less trustworthy in future dealings with your new s/o. (If you could become so bitter with someone you once loved, is it possible that you could one day stop loving her too?)

 

You know, we don't forgive people to make them feel better. We do it for ourselves. Because when we do, we are more whole. It makes us better parents, better spouses, better people. Because strong negative emotions eventually will turn on us, rather than the object of our dissatisfaction.

 

[SoleMate]

How have you "lost" your sister? Is she not returning your calls? Did she say that your relationship was over? If so, you didn't mention it. Her being freindly with your ex only will end the sibling relationship if you force that to be true.

 

I stand by my original point. Your condemnation of your ex is based on flimsy, garden variety post-divorce needling. Her "crimes' do not justify shunning. Please think of your children's best interest. I am sure you can see that it is to their advantage for their mother and their aunt to have a good relationship.

 

Right?

[SoleMate]

And another idea for you...if your ex is telling your sister lies about how you don't pay your child support, why not just get together the support order and your cancelled checks and SHOW your sister the truth of the matter? The point would be just to give your sister the facts, not necessarily to cause her to reject your ex.

 

Destructive lies must be countered. They cannot be allowed to spread.