AutumnWind Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 Ok... so I told my ex that I'm coming to visit him over the New Year's period (we'd be seeing each other after 14 months of separation) and he seemed to become oddly cheerful after that but didn't say anything directly... Just lots of "oh that'll be great!... that's awesome... don't leave it too late to buy the ticket!..." etc. Then he started saying he would rent a car and take me on a trip over the weekend and stuff like that! I was surprised since I hadn't expected that much enthusiasm and told him not to go out of his way or anything and also if there was any problem with me coming, to please let me know (we're supposed to be officially just "friends", but it's been kind of ambiguous all along). He was just like "why would there be a problem? what kind of problem?" and teasing me with crazy scenarios... Then he asked me out of the blue and quite out of context if I was currently seeing someone (jokingly, but it seemed like that was more of a front and he really wanted to know). Well, neither of us is right now though I did indicate that I have options available to me (again, in a joking way). I just don't want to be taken for granted here... Over the summer we had fallen out of touch for some time but now recently we're communicating a lot, both over phone and email. About equal the number of times I initiate it versus him initiating it. It seems we communicate at least once a day... it seems like a lot for being "just friends", especially since we were together for 4.5 years before, i.e. it was a serious long-term relationship and we've both had strong feelings for each other for a long time. And he seems happy when I call and says things like "if you wanna talk later, you can call me after class too" and stuff. And sends me email forwards about stuff that always made us both laugh or whatever with notes like "I thought you might like this..." Anyway... I'm just having a hard time figuring this out... it seems like he's interested in me again (tone of voice, flirting, etc.) and also we have longer talks late into the night on more serious subjects and keep up to date on our families, lives, etc... he seems more open and willing to share intimacy and hints that he's lonely these days but nothing about missing ME specifically... it might be that we're both afraid to approach the subject because A) we're both maddeningly indecisive and indirect and B) each of us has been the "dumper" and "dumpee" at different points in the year so we've both been burned and are afraid of rejection now... I just want to know if I'm crazy or reading this right... given the signals, does it seem like he's interested in me romantically again?? I might not have thought so if it weren't for the pointed interest in whether I'm currently seeing anyone and also the plan to take me on a weekend trip... is that normal to do with an ex-girlfriend?? Should I just let things develop as they are and then see what happens when we meet in person? I have to admit, the vibes are very good these days and I'm really feeling a "connection" when we talk, especially since I've made a lot of changes that let me relate to him (and other people) in more positive and sympathetic ways than before... maybe he's responding to that? I didn't make them for him in particular but I do care about him a lot and I don't mind if I show it, as long as it's in a positive and confident way... Well anyway... any help decoding this behavior would be great right now!! Opinions...? Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 Yeah sounds like he has an interest. I say you either just let things happen or if you want to be bold, give him a big kiss when you see him and see how he reacts. Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 What do you mean you have alternately been the dumper and the dumpee this year? Did you break up multiple times? I think you should enjoy the time you spend together. Try not to seem like you have any expectations, because that might worry him. I think it sounds like he's definitely interested in you, but take it slow. I disagree with one thing you did, which is your response to his wanting to take you on a trip. To this, I would have said "Thanks!" and left it at that. When you start saying "don't go out of your way" and other things like that, it undermines what he's trying to do for you, which is to take you out, have a great time, and possibly "win" you back. I'd say keep a confident and caring attitude at all times with this guy. Don't expect too much, but don't underestimate the good experiences you may have. Let the relationship develop. You've waited 14 months of separation, you can certainly give your friendship more time to develop before you know what's going on! You say it feels like being "just friends" -- well, that's a good sign. The best relationships, the ones that last, are based on a loving friendship and intimacy that goes well beyond the butterflies and meaningful glances. Right now my ex and I are slowly growing close again as friends and I'm trying to foster that because I know that's essential to a long-term relationship that will last. I know you're probably both afraid you're going to get burned. You're afraid you're going to go through with this and have expectations that will not be fulfilled, or that you're going to start a relationship again that will only end up failing. Let go of all of that and see if your relationship can stand the test of distance (your 14 month separation) and fear (your current worries about the future of the relationship). Live in the moment and have a great time! Love yourself above all else and don't fall into the trap of acting needy. Have fun! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnWind Posted November 16, 2004 Author Share Posted November 16, 2004 Yeah, the breakup was kind of confusing since it happened at long-distance (I was abroad for a year)... It was supposed to be "time off" and then it just drifted and for a while I was pulling away while he wanted more commitment and then we didn't talk too much for a couple of months and then HE seemed to back off and decide to move on and I was more interested and now we seem to perhaps be at a point where we're both interested again and have learned some lessons from our time apart...! That's the best I can do for an explanation since I find it hard to make sense of it myself. It was definitely not a hostile breakup, when we last saw each other we were a bit stressed out and troubled but still kissing, hugging, and he gave me a card with memories of our time together (I was leaving the country)... and we've stayed on good terms.... So a sense of closure was definitely missing and though we've both dated other people since then none of those experiences lasted long (and they made both of us jealous when they happened!). This will be the first time we'll meet in person though, since that last emotional farewell at the airport... I have to say our phone calls are so affectionate and warm these days and he's being so charming that I feel like I'm falling in love with him all over again!!.. and it's scary because I don't want to get hurt if something goes wrong or if I'm misreading the whole thing... it FEELS like something good is going on but there hasn't been any specific mention of our relationship (other than this joking "so are you seeing someone?" "no, why, are you?" "no I'm not, oh no reason, just wondering that's all..." etc.) I'm just trying to enjoy the good moments we are having now and not think about the past or future too much. And work on all my relationships (friends, family) at the same time, learning to communicate and value the people in my life better. I think that those are the positive changes he's responding to in me as well... Yes, I think when we talk about the trip again, I'm just going to say "thanks" and show that I'm happy about it but keep it light and cheerful overall... Well, we'll see what happens... Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnWind Posted November 21, 2004 Author Share Posted November 21, 2004 Sigh... I'm getting upset now. After that period of increasing contact we didn't talk at all for a week. I called him today and was leaving a message on his voicemail when he called me right back. He always calls right away if my number shows up on his caller ID but rarely initiates calls... So what does that mean? On the one hand, he's always shy about getting in touch with women he's interested in... he didn't even call me that much when we first started going out though I KNOW he was interested then! Given that he's insecure and tends to hold back... and that I was the one pulling away earlier... should I continue to initiate the occasional call (like once a week)... OR should I just stop and see if he eventually calls me instead? He seems happy when I call - today we talked for an hour and he said he appreciated me listening to his work problems and helping him figure out some stuff that was bothering him... But it wasn't flirtatious like some of the previous calls... So now I'm not sure if he has switched off the "romantic" part and really just sees me as a friend? Does anyone have feedback on this? Is it possible to switch the feelings off and could they ever come back? Does it mean anything that we still talk and share things with each other? Also, he mentioned this friend of his (female) who seems to be going through emotional problems and it seemed like they might be getting close. Maybe he has a new love interest and therefore lost interest in me again? Also, he seemed down and upset about something at the beginning of the call but wouldn't say why (but seemed better by the end)... That could mean anything, and I can only guess what's going on his life these days... I know I should stop getting into this guessing game but the uncertainty is getting really hard to bear...! Link to post Share on other sites
mischafan160 Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Don't call him anymore...if he hasn't called you at all he needs to start. I know we sometimes excuse the behavior away by saying, "He's shy" or whatever, but I have seen shy guys do incredibly bold things in the name of love. He's not shy, you just are not giving him the chance to pursue you. Try it and see what happens...if he does call, i promise you will feel SO GOOD and be thankful that you waited. Link to post Share on other sites
pancakepalace Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Very interesting situation. In a nutshell, I say you two should be together. I think what happened is quite simple. You two have a very good friendship base that was moving along in a linear way when you were having phone conversation on a regular basis. At this time, you didn't worry too much who called and just talked and had fun. When he brought up the trip and asked you if you were dating anyone, this linearity was broken. Obviously, you both were thinking of the possibility of getting back together for the first time in a long time. This is exciting in the moment - that is why he was so happy . But then, in the afterthought, you were probably both a bit scared and confused. This is very normal. Escpecially since you haven't seen each other for a long time. Without even knowing it, you probably changed the way you talk to him and react to his comments since you are now in a guessing game and focusing on the trip. He probably did the same. In these circumstances it is normal that the dynamic between your relationship changed and because of this, the dynamic of your conversations. Now what to do about it? I totally agree with mischafan160 that he should also be calling you. The shyness thing is a cover up. But, I don't think changing to drastically to NC and waiting for him to call his a good thing since you had an established way of communicating that you would suddenly be changing and he would be wondering why. This would only bring more confusion to the picture. The way I see it, you have two alternatives. But first, you must stop guessing because this is useless and only creating more smoke and awkwerdness. Alternatives: 1. If you really must know what is going on, you must communicate with him in a direct and adult way. Tell him you feel the conversation dynamic has changed and you were wondering why. Tell him you would like it if he called some more. 2. The other way is to not do anything and wait for the trip. You have to keep calm stop guessing and keep your conversations going as naturally as possible until the trip. When you go on the trip, you must be free from stress of all this and just let things go and look at his actions. Don't analyse too much. Don't create false hopes. Just see him as a good friend and don't pull any moves on him or ask questions about your conversations. Personnally, I would go with number 2. If he sees you all srange and weird though it will not work he will get confused and stress and probably bail. You have to be solid. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
pancakepalace Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 PS - If the trip goes well the first two days, I would consider pull the move Weird suggested. A nice quick kiss. This will unbalance him and you will see the way he reacts. Have a good trip! Link to post Share on other sites
mischafan160 Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Do the second alternative that pancakepalace suggested, I like that. Personally, if I were in your shoes I would LOVE to do alternative 1 and be straightforward and ask what was going on, because I am a confrontational person usually. However in this situation I think it is better to wait it out until you see him. Simply because when you tell a guy something like, "I want you to call more often," you don't really know if he is doing it because he WANTS to, or because he feels like you are making him do it. He should be calling because he wants to talk to you, you know what I mean? It just feels so much better to know that he picked up the phone and called just because he wanted to talk to you, not because he felt guilted into it. By the way, pancakepalace, I think you are a very wise person! I think the best thing to do is to change your mindset, just let go of your expectations and be chill and go with the flow. Happy, busy and enthusiastic people are the most attractive! Good luck with the trip, I'm rooting for you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
pancakepalace Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 However in this situation I think it is better to wait it out until you see him. Simply because when you tell a guy something like, "I want you to call more often," you don't really know if he is doing it because he WANTS to, or because he feels like you are making him do it Good point mischafan160! I hadn't thought of this, but it is totally true. Alternative 2 seems clear to me now. By the way, pancakepalace, I think you are a very wise person! Thanks! Your points are also very good. Happy, busy and enthusiastic people are the most attractive! So true... Keep us updated AutumnWind Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnWind Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 Thanks so much guys! I appreciate your feedback. Yes, I will go with option 2, even though it's hard to keep wondering... The situation is still very uncertain since I don't really know how he feels about "us". I am working on building my inner peace and calmness because that will help anyway with the rest of my life... I think that's a more positive way to utilize this time until then (of course I still have relapses and let it drive me nuts but I'm getting better at calming down!) I found this quote from a spirituality website that I thought was good for a new perspective - it might help other people who are struggling with control/stress issues with their relationships... It says "To let go means to LET BE"... i.e. "letting go" doesn't have to mean "losing" them or no longer having a connection but rather giving up expectations, accepting the other person and letting things develop as they will... Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Yeah, do option 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnWind Posted November 27, 2004 Author Share Posted November 27, 2004 He DID call me yesterday!!! I was determined to wait it out but it didn't take too long (5 days)... Plus, he emailed me twice earlier in the week and I did email him back after waiting a while... Just little humorous notes... But then when he calls it seems like he's kind of insecure and uncomfortable, he'll say stuff like "well, i won't keep you long", "i'll let you get back to your stuff - i know you're busy" etc. as if I didn't want to talk to him! Maybe I'm putting on too good a show of not caring whether he calls or not... on the other hand, I've been VERY friendly, sweet and interested when he does call so it's hard to imagine why he would think I don't like it! Advice?? Is this a more clear sign that he's interested? Also, how can I make him feel more secure that I do have an interest in him but without laying all my cards on the table? Link to post Share on other sites
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