re: how long to wait

[serenity]

I would just like to say thank you for all of your opinions and suggestions on my question. I enjoyed seeing the different perspectives on this topic. But here's another question for you guys.... How do I go about putting marriage into a conversation. I don't want to freak him out like some guys get and I don't want him to feel like I'm starting to pressure him about it. He was split up from his ex for 2 yrs when we were together is when his divorce went through. His ex pushed marriage onto him and I don't want him thinking that's what I'm doing (or gonna do). I haven't really brought it up cause I didn't want him to think I would be one to nag about getting married. So what do you think??? Thanks again!

[Tony T]

I'll give you the same answer as before. If your communication is so poor with him that you are afraid of bringing up such significant topics, there is a problem with the relationship.

 

If you have to edit your feelings and concerns before you open your mouth so you don't upset your guy, there's a problem. Furthermore, you DO NOT have the power to upset him. He makes his own choice to upset himself.

 

So, be straightforward and low key but let him know how important marriage is to you and that you'd like to know what his feelings are on the subject now. Then ask him if he feels his relationship with you could ultimately lead in that direction.

 

You have an absolute RIGHT to know what his thoughts are. This is your time you are investing with him. You better start getting comfortable with addressing any subject with him or you can kiss off getting married to him. You also have to be sure he becomes open to talking about anything that is necessary. Open and honest communication is a very big part of what relationships, and especially marriage, are all about.

[Nic]

marriage is a word, not a sentence. if he's going to get all afraid of it, it's not your fault. he's bringing it on himself based on his past experience.

 

if marriage is something that you know is an important step for you take oneday, you will just have to be upfront with him about it. it may not be something you want to do yet, or in the near future, but you at least have to know where you stand with this guy and what his future plans are for the two of you, if he has any.

 

a lot of people can bring up the subject of marriage without breaking out in a sweat and feeling all pressured. most people know it might happen oneday, and there's nothing wrong with saying, "i'd like to get married oneday, but for now i'm happy where i am".

 

getting married oneday is obviously important to you, and it's also important to know that you're not wasting your time with someone who doesn't have the same goals in life as you. some people can quite happily remain together forever without getting married, but is that what you want if marriage isn't something he'd consider again?

 

talking about marriage does not mean it has to happen soon, and quite frankly, i don't understand why people are so scared of it. if they're so scared of it, they're obviously not with the right person or don't ever want to be with one person.

 

I would just like to say thank you for all of your opinions and suggestions on my question. I enjoyed seeing the different perspectives on this topic. But here's another question for you guys.... How do I go about putting marriage into a conversation. I don't want to freak him out like some guys get and I don't want him to feel like I'm starting to pressure him about it. He was split up from his ex for 2 yrs when we were together is when his divorce went through. His ex pushed marriage onto him and I don't want him thinking that's what I'm doing (or gonna do). I haven't really brought it up cause I didn't want him to think I would be one to nag about getting married. So what do you think??? Thanks again!

[Deejette]

He might be commitment-phobic because of his past experience. So no amount of hinting, pressing your nose against the window with big puppy-eyes waiting for him to get the idea, or pleading, will be effective.

 

Tony and Nic are right. You have to be up front, tell him once that it is very important to you and get a response from him of some kind. It may not be the response you want, but you will know once and for all where he stands.

 

He may say, "Let's do it in 2 years," or he may say, "Get off my case about this." Whatever he says, if it is not in line with your goals of marriage, then you need to make the decision of what you are going to do with your life.

marriage is a word, not a sentence. if he's going to get all afraid of it, it's not your fault. he's bringing it on himself based on his past experience. if marriage is something that you know is an important step for you take oneday, you will just have to be upfront with him about it. it may not be something you want to do yet, or in the near future, but you at least have to know where you stand with this guy and what his future plans are for the two of you, if he has any. a lot of people can bring up the subject of marriage without breaking out in a sweat and feeling all pressured. most people know it might happen oneday, and there's nothing wrong with saying, "i'd like to get married oneday, but for now i'm happy where i am". getting married oneday is obviously important to you, and it's also important to know that you're not wasting your time with someone who doesn't have the same goals in life as you. some people can quite happily remain together forever without getting married, but is that what you want if marriage isn't something he'd consider again?

 

talking about marriage does not mean it has to happen soon, and quite frankly, i don't understand why people are so scared of it. if they're so scared of it, they're obviously not with the right person or don't ever want to be with one person.