memomma Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 I'm in a situation that I'm trying to make sense of and I have a question...... My husband has not spoken to me for six weeks. Would this be considered emotional abuse? It just dawned on me yesterday that it is not just a matter of him being childish and refusing to speak to us.....(I have two kids still at home). I really think it would qualify as an abuse issue. I guess because it is not openly and physically evident I didn't consider it to be an issue but the more I think about it......I think it is. Am I right or just looking for grounds for divorce? thanks Link to post Share on other sites
GregC Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 From the information you've given, it's hard to tell. For instance, if you did nothing at all, then the guy has a problem. On the other hand, if you had some gangsters beat him up, you should be lucky he is still there. So obviously something it he middle of each of these extremes happened, and even if you tell us what, there is often two sides to a story and often many and's, if's, and but's. IOWs, it's hard to tell. IMO, even a day is a long time, and 6 weeks is surely like an eternity. Link to post Share on other sites
MeanNewYorker Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 Why on earth hasn't he spoken to you in weeks?! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 Yes that is abuse!!! That is very CRUEL. To purposely ignore you. It is Intentional and rude, childish and a complete power trip. Ego and probably narcississtic too! (Spelling I know!) Either he talks or you walk. 6 weeks is long enough. One day is long enough. Whatever it is, he needs to just get over it and grow UP! Ignoring kids as well! Shame on him! He needs some therapy bad. Obviously has some serious anger issues as well? I don't know enough about your situation to say much more, you didn't say when or why he stopped talking. So the above is all I can offer for now. I do hope things change for your sake. I would be devastated if my husband did that to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Queen B Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 Check out this website http://www.studentaffairs.cmu.edu/counseling/documents/emotion.htm I think this is abuse...you can't make sense of this situation because it doesn't make sense...6 weeks is a ridiculous...you need to get out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author memomma Posted November 16, 2004 Author Share Posted November 16, 2004 I wonder why it took me this long to recognize his behavior for what it really is. I think sometimes emotional abuse is not identified because you don't have the physical evidence that is usually associated with abuse and it's easier to just think "what is this guy's problem?" than to stop and look at what you are allowing in your life and to have to say.......WHAT is MY problem? So yes......I've had it. I've decided the relationship is over. Finished. Done. No more. Now I've got to do it. I've got to explain to an attorney why this marriage is draining the life out of me, teaching my kids what Dis-function truly means and insist that I will not pay this man alimony nor give up my rights to this house. I work from home providing nursing care to a 15 yom that lives with us. Our home has been remodeled to accommodate his needs and I will need to stay in this house in order to continue to provide care for him as well as earn money to take care of my kids. It might be a bit of a fight........ Thank you for the site you recommended to me Queen B.....(I think that is the right name) Link to post Share on other sites
Queen B Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 I don't think leaving will be easy but maybe with some counselling for you and the kids, and support from good friends and/or family will make it a bit better. Find a good lawyer (maybe a woman?) and keep reminding yourself your dooing the rightnthing for you and your kids!!! Link to post Share on other sites
GWWag Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 If I may, I find this conversation somewhat self-fullfilling. That is, QueenB's suggestion may be the correct one, and this guy may be dysfunctional, but from the information provided us, we can't possibly answer your original question to us, so it's hard to tell if you're getting valid advice. Also, there ARE good woman laywers for woman, just like there are good woman lawyers for men, and bad woman lawyers for woman, and bad woman lawyers for men, and good and bad men lawyers for woman and men. Judges too. Link to post Share on other sites
Queen B Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 GWWAG your right about good lawyers...there are good and bad ones of both sexes. I was just thinking that if you're looking to get out of an abusive relationship with a man it may be easier for an abused woman to speak to a good lady lawyer about her problems. Link to post Share on other sites
GWWag Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 If for instance she lives in the middle of nowhere, that could be limiting, although I agree it may be more comforting. OTOH, that should only be a "first meeting" concern, since if the lawyer of any gender is any good, they should be earning your trust, be understanding, etc, ASAP. The important word is GOOD IMO.... if the situation comes down to it. There are pros and cons to a lawyer of both sexes IMO... so maybe a team of both is best Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 There isn't enough information here to post good advice. There's no telling what this woman did to him to cause him to shut himself out. In my opinion, the only grounds for divorce is Infidelity, or physically damaging abuse to yourself or your children. Otherwise, all problems involve the both of you and will never end until you both are willing 100% to work on them. I don't think anyone on here is giving the husband the benefit of the doubt, what did she do to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author memomma Posted November 16, 2004 Author Share Posted November 16, 2004 Sorry for the lack of information with my post. I have posted on this board in the past and felt like I was just repeating the same old same old by going into details. Okay......here's what I did. I am the caregiver of a 15 year old child who requires total care....incontinence, seizures, tubefeeding, quadriplegic, etc. I also am the mother of three young adults....16,19 and 20. My husband and I do not get along 90% of the time and this year I decided to go on vacation with my girls only. He had just started a new job in May and I didn't think he could take two weeks off. I also did not want to bring the tension that existed between us along on my vacation. He knew where I would be, how to contact me, when I would return, etc. etc. etc. The day I left, he said he wanted this to be the last seperate vacation I took from him. In all honesty, I could not say "okay, honey".....I didn't see what I was doing that was so wrong. I was tired. I wanted to relax and not fight. Then I tried to understand his point of view so I could maybe see where he was coming from and I told him that I think we just look at things differently. I take care of my three kids.....he keeps his distance from them and has for years, I take care of this child and I try to help him (husband) out as well. He really doesn't have to be responsible to take care of anyone but himself so maybe he doesn't feel the need to get away alone as much as I do. So that's what I did. I tried to verbalize my understanding of his take on the whole vacation thing. That was on Oct. 3 and he hasn't spoken to me since. I have tried to communicate with him in the past, asked that we go to counseling and we are still at this point. I am now tired of asking "can we talk?" and then having the same thing happen in a week or two. This time around I have not made the first move since I wasn't the one that stopped talking. I called 5 times while I was on vacation, left messages for him to call me back and nothing.....nothing. I get notes from him regarding messages on the answering machine... "there's messages on the machine for ______" So that's it. No, I'm not being physically abused nor do I suspect he is having an affair but really I wouldn't know because he says not one word to me nor to my two children who still live at home. I think his silent treatment is an intentional act of withdrawing himself from our marraige and feel as if it qualifies for emotional abuse. That's what I was asking........ Link to post Share on other sites
CraigC Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 I understand that you were fed up, and understand why you chose to do the trip as you described, but in doing so, it seems you crossed a line for him, and now he's fed up. I'll avoid the issue of abuse or not, and also I am not saying you were wrong, nor saying he is right, but it seems clear your both in a "bad zone" even before either of these actions, and perhaps in the end the net effect is the same and it was just waiting to happen from what you're saying, especially with your "can we talk?" gestures. Link to post Share on other sites
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