cheated on, but still in love... warning: long post

[meisje]

Okay, I'm new here.. I'm afraid this will probably be very long, but i'll try to get out all the information in short

 

Alright, so I'm dating this guy, we met in high school, became very close friends and in our senior year, started dating. We're now both in university and have been dating for over a year and a half.

 

In the first week of September, he confessed to me that he cheated (only once) with someone we knew from high school. I don't know this girl personally, but she had been after him in high school, so I do know of her. This is the same girl who was the first person he slept with, but they never dated and he never (even when he and I were just friends) had an interest in her. He told me (back when we were just friends) that he only slept with her to "get it over with" (his virginity) because it made him nervous.

 

When he told me that he'd cheated, he said they were out playing basketball (which they did frequently, but I knew about that) and then went back to her house to rest. She started talking about her personal life and such (which she apparently she did often with him) and somehow then ended up having sex. But he was only with her for a second, then he stopped and went home.

 

For the rest of the summer he was always nautious and sick... turns out now, after going to many doctors, that it was due to his nerves. So... 3 months later, he came out and told me what he had done.

 

He felt terrible and we talked about it for hours and hours and he made me feel very loved all the while. He said that he hated the fact that he had given me such a bad impression of my first love. He said he wanted to do anything he could to fix this and that it killed him to think he could lose me by his own stupidity.

 

I believe everything he said that night, so this isn't an issue of him being two-faced. I don't think he is at all. I think he's being completely honest with me.

 

So long story short, I decided to try to get over this and continue on with him. If we both tried very hard, we could get through this.

 

But the problem was that his guilt was making him physically sick and it only gets worse when we hang out... so we don't see very much of each other lately. Then a couple weeks ago (after 2 months of trying to work through this) he said he wanted to take a break. I okay because his health is definitely the first priority here... he's lost 40 lbs because of it and developed a minor eating disorder plus stomach problems, etc. So it's kind of serious and he really needs to deal with that and become healthy before he can rightfully work things out with me.

 

I agree with that. I do think it should be his first priority... it's his health.

 

But the newest addition to the epic is that he doesn't know if he has feelings for me anymore. This break was meant to give him some space (and for me as well) to recuperate. But on top of that, it has caused him to get used to being apart from me and he doesn't know if he wants to come back.

 

I know this all seems like a lot and that most people will want to write back saying "ditch him, he's not worth it" and stuff like that. But I really do love him and I want to get on with this. The problem is not so much the cheating anymore... I mean, I'm definitely still mad and humiliated, but I've had a long time to come to terms with that. The issue that I'm more hurt by right now is that I can't figure out how you can lose feelings for someone so fast.

 

Only 2 months ago he was telling me how much he loved me and how he didn't want to lost me... he was almost crying, and he said he had thought of marrying me in the future and he wanted so much to keep that option open and to fix things. Then now he said "I don't know if I still have feelings for you"

 

How can that change in 2 months? I don't get it. Strong, loving feelings... to ambivalence in 8 weeks. That's a record or something.

 

The only explanation I have been able to give myself is that it's a condition by association (you know, like Dr. Pavlov's dogs) where seeing me reminds him that he hurt me, remembering that make him feel guilty, feeling guilty makes him sick... so then if he doesn't see me, he doesn't get sick.

 

So I think that's the whole story, if anyone is still reading, thanks so much for sticking with me

I guess I'd just like some opinions and interpretations of this situation to think about.. and maybe some advice on how I can get past this, make him feel health again and want to love me again... if that's even possible.

[bluetuesday]

hello meisje, welcome to the shack.

 

first off, there's nothing you can do to make someone love you. love just doesn't work like that. it has to be given freely or it means nothing.

 

secondly, it's commendable you want to help this man.

 

so, he's cheated. i don't know the guy or the circumstances beyond what you've explained so i'll trust your judgment that he didn't mean it, wouldn't do it again, and feels terrible about it.

 

he may feel very ashamed of how he's acted but i suspect that's not the whole story. these are extreme symptoms he's showing, considering the fact you've forgiven him and still want to be with him. in most cases that would be the end of it and you'd go back to being happy.

 

i'm more inclined to think, and you're not going to like this, that you are part of the problem. not intentionally, i just he's still displaying signs of extreme stress AND he's told you he wants a break from the relationship. it adds up to the fact that he's in a situation he thinks he can't control and it's making him wretched. part of that situation includes you and he wants out.

 

stick around as a friend by all means to try to help him through, but i'm afraid it doesn't look good for him wanting to be your boyfriend any more.

[meisje]

Thanks for reading all that and replying! I was wary that anyone would.

 

I do agree with you that I'm part of the problem and I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that he probably won't want me back. I don't understand what I did wrong, or what exactly changed... but obviously it was something.

 

I know I can't make someone love me, I was however hoping that he hadn't stopped loving me in the first place and that there was something I could do to make him feel more comfortable with me.

 

Since the break, I have spoken to him a few times (through msn). Originally he asked for the break because he wanted space and I agreed, but asked whether I could still talk to him every once in a while or if he wanted TOTAL space. He said I was welcome to talk to him just as I always had, just so long as I didn't bring up any relationship stuff. "Just be a friend, not a girlfriend for a while" were his exact words and he finished by saying "make it easy to be around you".

 

So I have talked to him a couple times and everything is completely casual and normal when I do. We just talk about school and music and all the regular small-talk topics. We're also kind of in a bind because we are working on a project together (he is producing and I am doing the cover art for a friend's CD) so we do have to collaborate a bit on that.

 

Every time I talk to him, it seems normal, like nothing's wrong... which gives me a bit of hope.

But it has only been a couple times, and the wait is killing me.

 

If you have any ideas on what I could do to "make it easy to be around me", to have him remember the good times BEFORE all this junk happened they would be greatly appreciated... I mean, if he wants to be with me at all, at this point, it depends on how comfortable he feels around me. How do you make someone feel comfortable when they're feeling so guilty (and when you're still not completely over it either)?

 

I know this all takes a lot of time and I am prepared to progress slowly... so long as we ARE progressing, that's the key.

[tanbark813]

I don't understand why you're the one who has to make it easy for him when he's the one who cheated. He sounds like a little boy.

[tokyo]

I tend to agree with tanbark813. And sincerely someone who has such a strict sense of moral to get sick after he cheated, probably wouldn´t have cheated in the first place. You just avoid situations that might lead to some more and you can still stop, so I don´t really buy the story that he is sick, because he felt so guilty after cheating. I think there must be more, bluetuesday´s right.