How to get over a girl?

[blue17]

THe girl in this post is related to another thread....if any of you have read it.

 

Anyways, to make a long story short....there was this girl a few months back that was interested in me. Of course, I never realized she was at the time and no relationship ever materialized :/ We just spent time with each other at school and enjoyed each others company, but that's only how far it went. I ended up waiting way too late, and asked her if she wanted to hang out or something over an email (pretty informal) and she never replied.

 

So fast forward a few months, and I see her and she is like totally ignoring me. It seemed like there was a lot of tension or something. I'll be honest and say that I wasn't exactly giving her my full attention either, but I said "How's it going?" only to have the person she was talking to say something the exact same moment, so she prolly didn't hear. But still I just get the idea that she was pretending I didn't exist....

 

To get to the real issue, I just can't get out of her my head. I guess I am still interested in her for some reason, even tho she isn't the nicest person I've met. Maybe it's because she is ignoring me so I am attracted to that for some strange reason. She's also played lots of games a few months back when we were hanging out, so she is no stranger to this sort of behavior. To make it worse, I have ADD which makes it prone for me to day dream, and get distracted. I notice she is one of the thoughts which I end up day dreaming about, and I usually feel down when I do so. I dunno if it's even her i consciously want, but I feel like I have no control over thinking and day dreaming about her....it's starting to affect my life in a bad way.

 

Now I've tried to ask myself why I keep thinking about her. It's not cuz i'm not hanging out with other people, cuz I did lots of stuff w/ friends 2 days prior. I've met a couple new people at college, 1 of them being a hot girl (who I am not interested in for some reason). So it's not like i'm not doing things to keep myself distracted and busy....I am it's just not working. Just yesterday, I was playing a computer game w/ some friends. I was having a good time, then suddenly a thought popped up about her. Booom....immedately I went from having a good time to being depressed about her and the situation. It was a real downer. Other instances like this have occured too, such as last night while at a friends house. I've also tried to ask myself how she is different, how she is better then other girls?Well.....she's not at all really...the only unique thing she has going for her is that she is an indian girl...and I really find indian girls attractive. Other then that I don't really see anything there.

 

So what can I do to get these thoughts of out my head? I've only seen her like once or twice this entire year by herself, so even getting her to talk to me might be tough. I've been hanging out with girls and guys.....doing fun things to keep me busy but nothing is working. Does anyone have any advice to get over a similar situation they confronted?

[Merin]

I would get to the bottom of why she seems to be pissed off at you...

 

From what I can gather the two of you never had a romantic relationship... but had been friends...

 

You asked her out in an informal way, then she just never replies and goes from being a friend to behaving as if you no longer exist?

 

This is obviously bothering you a great deal, and weighing on your mind.. so ask her whats up? Have you done something that offended her? I think you'll feel a lot better in knowing why she is behaving this way..

 

And even if you don't.. I will feel better Jk Jk

 

Good Luck

[blue17]

so finally I saw her again....I was walking to the cafeteria and I saw her at a table there alone. She was sitting right beside the lineup i was gonna wait in...so I saw her said "How's it goin?" w/ a pleasant grin/smile. The reaction she gave was dismissive at best. She was just like "Goooood....."....without any smile or pleasant expression back. By the way she said it just seemed like she was thinking "ugh....is he talking to me?" kinda thing. She didn't ask 'how I was doing' back, so I just left it at that and waited in line.

 

Well I think i've lost most, if not all of my interest in her. I mean it's one thing to play hard to get by not being outgoing or anything....but I think she crossed the line of just being plain mean/unfriendly. I was only trying to be nice...obviously she can't accept that so I'm not feeling too bad towards myself about the encounter.

 

I'm still curious as why she is doing this....she's not the nicest person (I knew that ahead of time) but she has almost always been friendly w/ me. Without bias I can say I have done nothing wrong which should make her feel this way....I mean if missing some signals she gave many months ago is grounds for this behaviour, that would be strange. If asking her out in an informal way gives her the right to pretend like she doesn't know me....then I puzzled.

 

I still wanna get to the bottom of this. I'm past the stage of feeling for her, I'm more about trying to get to find out why in the hell she would be doing this, for my own peace of mind. Even if she comes out with some ridiculous reason, I'd be happy with that as opposed to being left in the dark. I have broken the proverbial ice between us, but she is still being unfriendly at best. I fear, for some reason, that if I try to talk/push why she is acting like this I will come across as desperate because I might appear to be interested in her or something (maybe I am subconsciously, who knows). This situation is beyond repair I feel......unless I make a major effort to try to fix it (which I don't really wanna do when she isn't helping one bit).

 

As always, thx for listening and the advice.

[blue17]

you may be right....she might be feeling that way. I mean...if I asked her out and she said no, there might be a little awkwardness for a little while then things get back to normal (i'm sure we've all experienced that in one way or another). Once one of the people makes contact with the other again, usually things go back to where they were (friendship if that was the previous case.) but this was way different....it was like I totally offended her or something, so maybe she thought i was leading her on w/ a fake friendship when i really wanted to go out with her.

 

The truth is i didn't have feelings for her at first, it wasn't for a few months (a certain situation took place) when i realized i had to have her. I waited a long time to realize my feelings for her and act on them and i admit that.

 

Well....i really feel bad about the situation. This is the first time in my life i've done something to the point where the other person won't even talk to me. I feel like i need to do something. I've gotta set this straight at the least...i didn't mean to cause any harm, it's too bad it worked out this way. I don't want to leave a bad taste on the situation when it was going so good.....it's just a terrible way to end.

 

I saw her standing alone outside the school(waiting for a ride) and I went up in front of her and said "Hi." I was about to say "We need to talk..." when I studied her face and thought "Oh sh*t! that's not her lol!". Seriously she looked SO much like her it was insane (she wasn't QUITE as good looking but it was extremely close). She had a somewhat confused look...so i said "oh, you look like someone I know...." so she replied "ya I was about to say I don't know you! (smiling/laughing). It was just a friendly encounter, but it got me thinking as to why i would still have feelings for this other girl. If another one who looks just like her is actually being friendly, i'm not really missing anything. It was really a revitilizing experience and I felt a lot better afterwards....but I still don't feel right.

 

I'll try to post an update if I get a chance to straighten things out.....thx for your guys help.

[rakula]

Alright man... I'm not really sure what might be the case here, but since you told me she was Indian I think that might have a great deal to do with it. I'm an Indian male so I might be able to shed some light. If you didn't know already, the indian family is very family oriented and very protective of their daughters. So maybe she isn't really trying to be mean but trying to avoid the confrontation either cause she is really shy or her parents won't allow her etc? I'm assuming you are a white guy. And based on how strict her parents are.. it could be a no no? OR still a no no to even hang out with a guy at this age? Not sure how old she is? Well that's my take on it. Let me know if I'm not making sense or what not. Oh and next time it might be better to ask a girl to hang out in person or the phone. Emails don't seem to be that great of a communication medium.

[blue17]

The indian thing might make sense...she even said she prefers brown guys. She always hangs out with fellow indians, i was like the only non-indian she associated with lol. Still...i just get the impression blaming her being indian and me being mostly white is a copout. She is born here, she's apart of the culture....just because she tends to hang out with other indians isn't really an excuse. I just get the feeling she wouldn't be talking to me just because her parents wouldn't like it. Something is seriously wrong, and I don't think race is an issue....it certainly isn't for me.

 

And ya don't remind me about the email thing....

[rakula]

Hmmm.. maybe she sees you only as a friend and doesn't want to take it further than that? But doesn't like confrontation? Not sure. She should at least tell you the situation. I have a friend that is a girl that does that (non-indian, asian). And it can really bug me sometimes. But I guess it's just easier for some girls to avoid as opposed to confront. Oh yeah... and the her being indian and you mostly white copout? Yeah.... I know it's weird to understand. And alot of my non-indian friends might not understand which is understandable. I know she is born here and is part of the culture, but she has an indian culture too. I think it might be the feeling that one loses their sense of culture when they get too involved with another race. For example, lets say you and her hooked up for the long haul. You are part of the american culture and are surrounded by it everyday and I'm assuming you aren't a part of any other culture? You really have nothing to lose but to gain. Gain your culture and hers. Now...on the other hand. You have that girl who seems to be really into her culture and is placed in the american culture. Evenually, she would slowly lose her indian culture by hooking up with someone for the long hual that has only the american culture. I guess you could look at it in a reverse way too? What if you were born in india raised in the american culture. It's no doubt you'd be surrounded by the indian culture, but wouldn't you want to keep the american culture as well? That's just my take on it. It might sound closed minded still I dunno. ;P Personally, I'm attracted to a good different races. I was born here as well, but I still think the indian person who was born here can relate with me the best for the long hual. But then again the heart works in different ways my friend. She just probably doesn't want to get into that situation where she doesn't want to get involved with you too much to the point where she gets attached and then has to bring it up to her parents. Is there a reason why you don't think it's a race issue if you are the only non-indian she has associated with? However REGARDLESS!, she should still be able to be nice and talk to you. It's just common courtesy.

[blue17]

Ya it's a really confusing situation. The thing that i wonder is that last semester she asked me to walk her home, so I dunno if that qualifies as 'asking me out' which would mean she would be OK w/ dating a non indian guy. (i'm only 1/2 white btw, my other half is hispanic, and I also live in Canada ). She also said she prefers brown guys, at the time I thought she just usually preferred indian guys more than non-indian ones, but maybe it's more of a cultural thing than i thought.

 

at this point i'm not terribly interested in a relationship w/ her. But we had a good time spending time together and keeping each other company...and i'd like to continue that. She certainly didn't have a problem hanging out casually before, so why should she now? Just because i'm not indian doesn't mean she can't be friendly to me in a common environment. I'd really like to get this off my shoulders so I can move on to other indian girls

[rakula]

Yeah.. I totally agree. She should still be civil or friendly. Not sure what has really changed. All you did was email the girl. =P Maybe this time you should just walk up to her to clear things? Get stuff off your chest maybe? "Hello there... did I offed you?" =P Something to that effect. Any other people want to post on how to ask clear the air here be my guest.

 

Oh as far as her asking you to walk with her? Well it could be anything to be honest. "Oh walk with me... I need the company" ,"oh walk with me cause it's safer than alone." Either way you look at it.. it's still weird how she has avoided contact totally. I think if you just talk to her to clear the air it could be some good closure on you on this issue. You don't have anything to lose or maybe a friend to gain. And if you lose well, it's all good. You have closure of some sort and you can move on to the next girl in line. =)

[Mary3]

Why dont you just ask her ? ..." Something like this - " Hey Judy (sp) , I know we used to hang out together but since seeing you recently , it seems you don't seem interested in talking to me , I was wondering if I said or did anything to offend you " ?

 

Get right to the heart of the matter,. If she tells you to Go to Hell and leave her alone , then you know she is unwilling to communicate.

 

My sense here is that the weak email offended her and she would have preferred a CALL and she is pissed going all the way back then because she really cared about you...

 

SHow interest ! Hurry !!

[blue17]

I finally did it. I was so tired of this problem hanging over me. The thing that really got me nervous was trying to find her and whether I would have the guts to approach and say anything. I went to the library after class, I had some time to kill and I figured she might be there. I scoped around, and saw her at a table but she was about to leave. She was with her new friend I've seen her with a lot lately (another indian girl of course, lol). I went up to her...a sort of confidence took over, I wasn't that nervous to my surprise - and it went like this

 

Me: "Hi can we talk for a minute?" (moved over to a more quiet place)

Her: "Suure..."

Me: "Hey I know we used to hang out together and everything but lately it seems like you aren't interested in talking or something..." (while I said this i noticed she had a big smile on her face like she used to have)

Her: "I'm sorry....when i'm in the hallway i'm in like my own little world!" (smiling/apologetic)

Me: "Well, not just that...but like the other day I said hi and you didn't seem..."

Her: "When?"

Me: "Just last week..."

Her: (quickly realized what i was talking about) "Oh....i TOTALLY didn't mean it like that."

Me: "Alright, so we're cool? :)"

Her: "Ya we're cool :)"

Me: "Alright I'll see ya later k :)" (lightly touched her on the arm, and left)

 

And that was it. I'm not sure if I buy all of her excuses 100%, but I can tell she wants to atleast be friendly from now on. I think she means well and that is what is important to me. As I was doing my spiel, her smiling made it so much easier. I remembered why I liked spending time with her, and it felt a lot like the old days. I still wanna talk this over a little more with her, but that can be done later. Atleast now I have my foot in the door, so the rest will be A LOT easier....and we can laugh it off a little bit since things seem ok now.

 

Today is good for 3 reasons. 1) i got this big burden off my shoulders, and 2) now I have another person to hang out with and 3) i'm so proud of myself for having the guts to take action (for a change) instead of waiting for the other person to do so. I'm so glad I said something and didn't let this problem just go away because I was too scared to do anything.

 

Thank you for all your input everyone, and mary thx for help on the right words to say.....I needed help on that w/out realizing it. When I had a nice line like that to open with it made it a lot easier. I'll prolly give an update a little later when things progress. bye

[Mary3]

Glad that intro helped you.

 

Its really easier to just be straight up front with someone .....sometimes they have other things on their minds and are not necessarily intentionally ignoring you....better to stick your neck out a lil bit and see if they bite ! lol

 

Good Luck

[truthhurtsdealwithit]

Um she is probaly like ME ..

 

 

theres a few girls like me and she is NO dought one of them,i know what she going through..

 

we just have high standards and we only like guys WE LIKE.

 

im one of those girls who dont like guys who like me. no matter who sweet they are..

 

Well from they way i see it..YOU scared her OFF when you ask her to hang out in the email..made her feel uncomfortable..weirded her out big time..

 

she doesnt like YOU. deal with it. and she doesnt want to deal with you. and doesnt want anything to do with you so LEAVE your fantasy of her alone..shes grossed out and feels suffocated when she see's you. If she didnt she would be nice..but you make her unfomfortable..how do i know..caz im a girl justy like her..and i would do the same thing. and we dont want to waste our time to explain to you why we didnt respond or why were not nice to you..point it is she feels uncomfortable.

 

this might seem mean..but im not cherry topping..caz im just like her and you guys just need to know .

[blue17]

I never said likes me at this moment, nor do I think she does. She asked me to walk her home in the past, now whether that is just a friendly invitation or whatever, it shows she atleast enjoyed my company as I enjoyed hers. I agree she might have felt a bit wierded out by the email, but to say she is 'grossed out' by seeing me now is a 'grosse' exaggeration in my opinion. I don't think sending a casual email BY ITSELF would make one person turn on the other indefinitely and drastically when things were going good before. And as to her not being comfortable, I'll agree to that...but you make it sound so one sided. Do you think I was comfortable with with her up until now? Hell no....I felt VERY uncomfortable around her, it took a lot of guts for me to finally talk to her because it felt as strange for me as it did for her...I'm only trying to help the situation. You need to work on your manners a little. If you wanna make a point, atleast try to do it without putting words in my mouth or using vulgare/exaggerated language, it's quite unnecessary. I'm totally open to different opinions and such, but the way you went about it was wrong.

[IFeelYou]

First of all, I am probably going thru nearly the same exact thing you are blue17, and I totally feel you.

 

I would also like to thank Mary3 for that opener! It's absolutely simple, direct, and yet doesn't put the person in a defensive or awkward position. I will personally use that opening line as well. Thank you.

 

As for truthdealswithit, I really enjoyed her perspective and don't agree w/ blue17 for describing her as mean. It was harsh but direct and there aren't enough people in this world who are like that. I'm personally tired of people always sugarcoating everything and being so kind that it ends up cruel. And that sugarcoating bulsh*t doesn't help AT ALL. ("oh, she's probably not for you..." "you're better than her, she doesn't deserve you") <--- seriously, WTF does that supposed to mean?

 

Isn't it ironic that the girl you like being evasive is what caused the problem? And yet when the truth comes up you seem taken aback by it?

 

To truthhurtsdealwithit, thanks, you're a breath of fresh air. Even though I don't agree with your thoughts and dislike the way you think, I'm glad you've taken the time to write out what you feel.

[Crittermonger]

This is a very funny situation to me, and one that I am suffering through. I realize this conversation is a bit old, but i want to reply for my sake. I am happy i am not the only one who has stumbled upon a girl who, though is not altogether hot, she is certainly cute, and i am very attracted to her. For some reason i felt like entertaining myself tonight by keywording "how to get over a girl"...first site i find, that being this one, seemed to describe the girl i am dealing with. Only we were best friends, and i am a very good friend of the family so i am still over there fairly often. Yet, she never says anything to me. It used to be she wouldnt talk to me in public, but now she wont say anything to me at all. All i get is a blank stare. It hurts fairly badly, though i believe I am on the rebound. Though i have been in love with her for the last two years so its going to take some more time.

Here is the thing is that she is never consistant. One day out of every 2 weeks it seems as though she liked me, we talk and have fun and stuff. But the rest of the time she acts as though i am not even around. So what i am trying to say is that there is not explanation other than...demons. That has become my conclusion. I still love her and probably always will, but i dont know what is up with her. She may be afraid of getting hurt, becuase she does have a history of that, or maybe she hates me. It would probably be better if she hated me than continually breaking my heart with an on and off friendship.

But i like the chase, so we'll see how long i can manage.

[cielosent]

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