psm04 Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 OK I am thoroughly pissed. Quick recap, MM and I have just been talking at work, mostly with him initiating. We keep conversations to work and 'hey how was your weekend' type of stuff. Nothing inappropriate has happened, and I haven't wanted it to. Things have been fine. We even went to lunch once, and it was all cool. It has bee three weeks since the affair has stopped and since we talked outside of work. But now, I'm annoyed. So, I'm going to be at this local event this weekend, which he knows about. I'm off work today. Last night, he struck up a simple email conversation with me, wishing me a happy day off. I replied and said the same to him. So today, I get a response, and it goes something like this 'I might be at the event this weekend. Oh, I'm not supposed to say this, but I miss you'. I wanted to scream when I saw that. He was casually starting up a conversation so that he can say he will be there, which means his whole family, and he is paranoid that I'll be there. He threw in the I miss you crap in the middle to get on my good side. I might be reading too much into this, but I think my instincts are right based on previous patterns with him. I've told him that dancing around words is really annoying to me, since I'm direct. I guess he's do used to maybe doing this at home that he does it with me too. I mean, man up and tell me that you and your wife will be there. I don't even care. We will get introduced as coworkers, and that would have been fine. Chances are, I won't run into him anyway. I am only going tonight, but I'm not telling him that. I have three options of responding to his email, and I'm really needing some help deciding which one. Option A - don't respond at all, but this might trigger more emails from him and I don't know if I want that. Option B - ignore the I miss you crap, and be cordial and say something like 'that's great, enjoy it (maybe even say enjoy with his family) Option C - call him out on his bullish*t and say clearly that I'm not going to entertain his paranoia, and that if we are coworkers, it shouldn't matter if I run into them or not. I will ask him if the reason he even said hi to me was to squeeze the part about him being at the same event. This option might show him that I'm still carrying the feelings/emotions whatever, which I don't like. Do you think I'm correct in my assumption about why he was emailing me? Is this a selfish game he is playing so that his as* is covered? Which option sounds the best? I'm thinking option B which is the least personal. Sorry for the rambling. I'm really upset. I hate mind games. I was really hoping that he wasn't like that, but I'm now thinking more and more that he might be playing them, maybe even unintentionally. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I would tell him, as unemotionally as possible, to leave the sentiments out of any further communication. Perhaps shut down the emails entirely. Sounds like you don't have much choice about the work...but he is slowly pushing the boundary. Reset it. Good luck. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I don't know your entire story, but I think you are correct in your thoughts about why he contacted you. I have had a number of similar ways of contact as well and it did not take me long to click onto why he was actually contacting me. He only emailed you because he is terrified things may go bad at the event if you meet his wife or something (I am guessing, but this sounds the case). I would go with Option A. If it triggers more emails, stick with Option A. Let him be nervous about it, let him think and over think about you being at the event. Let him stew. And remain NC. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BruisedBNBroken Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I agree with the others about option A. He is being completely selfish, he is not honoring the agreed upon non work NC, and he is trying to cover his a$$. All three things that you don't need to concern yourself with. Ignore the email, let him stew and worry all weekend, while you are out having fun and not worrying one bit about him. I know it's so hard, and the immediate tendency is to reply back in some manner. So glad you posted here instead first. Ignore ignore ignore!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author psm04 Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 Thanks to those who have responded so far. This is one of those times when I feel like the mistress/ex-mistress or whatever. Feelings like these are why I ended the affair and why I'm able to stay out of the affair. I had gotten my self esteem and respect back, but this takes me right back to feeling so low. I think going NC would make him think that I can't handle it or whatever. I'll probably continue to be cordial at work and not get personal. I'll say I'm too busy or something. And I guess I'll ignore this email for as long as I can. Yeah, let him think about it and worry. I know I dug my own grave. But I made the choice to stop, after failing several times of course. I'm performing at this event too. I hope this doesn't affect my focus on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author psm04 Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 You know, if he had just told me directly at or outside of work about this, I'd have been fine. He has the right to worry. But it was the whole 'have a good day off, oh I'm going to this, and oh I miss you' that annoyed the sh*t out of me. It makes me feel like he thinks I'm naive enough to hold on to the I miss you part and say what he wants to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
letmoc Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Good luck on your performance. And don't let him get in your head 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Option A - don't respond at all, but this might trigger more emails from him and I don't know if I want that. This and only this!!!!! And who cares if it triggers him to email more! Ignore his other emails. Option B - ignore the I miss you crap, and be cordial and say something like 'that's great, enjoy it (maybe even say enjoy with his family) No. Don't! Option C - call him out on his bullish*t and say clearly that I'm not going to entertain his paranoia, and that if we are coworkers, it shouldn't matter if I run into them or not. I will ask him if the reason he even said hi to me was to squeeze the part about him being at the same event. This option might show him that I'm still carrying the feelings/emotions whatever, which I don't like. No! Leave it alone. Going there just opens a huge can of worms. Yes it upset you but do NOT react to it or show him how it's affected you. Silence is golden and says more than any words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 You know, if he had just told me directly at or outside of work about this, I'd have been fine. He has the right to worry. But it was the whole 'have a good day off, oh I'm going to this, and oh I miss you' that annoyed the sh*t out of me. It makes me feel like he thinks I'm naive enough to hold on to the I miss you part and say what he wants to hear. Sorry, can't remember..are you two in NC mode? if so, then go about your life and he can go about his. Neither of you need to 'check in' with another to see which functions either of you might show up to. That is ridicioulos! Link to post Share on other sites
Author psm04 Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 Sorry, can't remember..are you two in NC mode? if so, then go about your life and he can go about his. Neither of you need to 'check in' with another to see which functions either of you might show up to. That is ridicioulos! We are not in NC mode. After several failed attempts, I've come to the realization that it will end naturally. We are basically talking at work, about regular things. I'm not constantly talking to him. This way, if we just happen to go NC, it would feel natural rather than forced. Forced NC never worked for me. What I'm doing now has worked the most in my situation. He doesn't even get direct enough to check in with me about this. He mentioned that he might go, and he is probably waiting for me to respond so that he knows when I'm going to be there or something. Who knows. I'm sick of wondering about his intentions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 We are not in NC mode. After several failed attempts, I've come to the realization that it will end naturally. We are basically talking at work, about regular things. I'm not constantly talking to him. This way, if we just happen to go NC, it would feel natural rather than forced. Forced NC never worked for me. What I'm doing now has worked the most in my situation. Whatever works is the way to go! Is good you've figured it out! Would be tough to work with my exMM. Not sure I could handle it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author psm04 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 Whatever works is the way to go! Is good you've figured it out! Would be tough to work with my exMM. Not sure I could handle it. It is hard, but I can't let this affect me enough to leave a good job that I'm happy about. I hope I've figured it out lol. I take it a day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 No kidding! I'd put my job first, too! Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 For your sake you better hope there isn't a option D. That's when his wife finds out about it and she trying to run you down with her car and running for your life. Messing with a married M/W is a real good way of getting in more trouble that it's worth. Hope it doesn't happen but if she find out, hope you got some real good running shoes. You'll need them Link to post Share on other sites
Author psm04 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 I respectfully think you will fail again. And OM knows this. Pierre, thank you for your honesty, but I have to disagree about the failing part. I'm sure OM thinks that I might fail, but I won't. Yes, it will take me time to get over everything, but I'm not getting back into the affair. Believe me. I had my final straw a few weeks ago while trying to plan to meet up around their anniversary. It was stupid. Having lunch had nothing to do with the affair, and nothing inappropriate happened. I believe that things have to end naturally, and the LC has helped me with this whole situation more than forced NC ever did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author psm04 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 For your sake you better hope there isn't a option D. That's when his wife finds out about it and she trying to run you down with her car and running for your life. Messing with a married M/W is a real good way of getting in more trouble that it's worth. Hope it doesn't happen but if she find out, hope you got some real good running shoes. You'll need them I'm married as well, so I know how much trouble it could be. None of it is worth it, and I realize that. My thread wasn't about restarting or continuing the affair, but about his email to me and my options to respond. Thank you for your response though. I appreciate everyone's responses! Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 I am with most of the others. Go option A You are too fabulous and busy enjoying your weekend and your life to care about him missing you or being at this outing as well. And of course you are too busy to reply to his emails...don't bother. With option C I found that never really worked when you try to call them out on the things they do they find a way to turn it back round to you(making you feel more horrible and guilty about yourself and the whole situation)...so just stay quiet And have fun of course 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author psm04 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 Sarabi, you are always so positive and sweet! And yeah, you're right about option c causing you more guilt. I once called him out on something, and his excuse was something related to his kids, which might have been true, but who knows.. I'm still on option A at this point, and he hasn't sent me anything else either. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 It's just so freakng insulting that he really believes he can manipulate you into "good " behavior in front of his wife by saying he misses you. I'm actually pissed off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author psm04 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 It's just so freakng insulting that he really believes he can manipulate you into "good " behavior in front of his wife by saying he misses you. I'm actually pissed off. Ugh, I was thinking that he was saying that to trigger a response from me, but what you are saying is probably very true. He always liked indirect confrontation, and is paranoid. I'm pissed too, but I learn yet another lesson and move on. I've not gone this long without responding to him. Typically, if one of my reliable friends didn't respond within the usual timeframe, I'd check up on them to make sure that they're OK. He hasn't even bothered to see if I'm OK and believe me, I don't want him to. It's just upsetting to think of all the time that I invested to being his 'friend' and being there for him when he needed me. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 You're understandably hurt. While you are going through this...be sure you don't take his actions or words and justify them in a way to make them hurt you less. We do that to ourselves. Take it all up front, for what it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 Here is the answer to the puzzle. This contradictory remark holds the key to find freedom and happiness. Good point. psm, ask yourself this. How much of this is truly heartache or is it .. Ego related? I say ego because sometimes the two can feel similar, through in the habit and getting used to a certain dynamic with him. Is your heart REALLY hurting? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 Good point. psm, ask yourself this. How much of this is truly heartache or is it .. Ego related? I say ego because sometimes the two can feel similar, through in the habit and getting used to a certain dynamic with him. Is your heart REALLY hurting? I'm in a similiar boat here. I had to say it's ego related because the former AP trespass into our lifes and go against our wishes. It's make me angry at first but give it's a few days and the heartache developes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hermione08 Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 He did not ask how you are because he could not care less. The only time they care is when they are getting sex out of the A, so they sweet talk you to make you believe they are interested in your well being. Which is a contradiction in terms, since if they were concerned they would not drag you into an A. Don't ever bother talking to him again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author psm04 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Share Posted September 1, 2013 How much of this is truly heartache or is it .. Ego related? I say ego because sometimes the two can feel similar, through in the habit and getting used to a certain dynamic with him. Is your heart REALLY hurting? I think it's a bit of both. I'm actually not as heartbroken as I used to get, just because this went on for so long and I learned to expect the patterns. Plus I've been mentally ready to get over this for a while now. Before, I didn't want to get over it, and I didn't want to lose the "good feelings". Feeling hurt only motivates me more to continue the path that I've been taking, and to not fall for any empty words/declarations of love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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