Woman who have male friends: Do you let your male friend pay?

[Babolat]

No sure where to post this.

 

What started this conversation with my ex gf was me asking her how she can afford to go out drinking with her friends, yet not afford to do what she has been telling me she wants to do for me, for over a year "Take me out for a nice dinner". I paid, and still pay, 100% for everything when we go out. And I have no issues with that. I told her it would simply be nice if she had offered to pay at times, to which I would have said no to. She states she found other, smaller ways to do things for me since she did not have money. For example, once, and only once, while dating she got a GroupOn coupon for dinner. It did not cover the whole meal (she ordered 2-3 drinks which pushed the bill up) so I picked up the difference and the tip. I recall 2-3 times she would fix me dinner, which I liked and thanked her for.

 

She has 4-5 good male friends; lifetime friendships from high school and/or early 20s; she is now 43.

 

She was not making a lot of money and could barely pay her bills when we were dating, in fact she did not have a job when we met as she had just moved back to her hometown from living with her previous fiance in another part of the state. It's the same case now, she can barely pay her bills, though she is doing a little better financially.

 

When she would go out drinking I never understood how she could afford to pay her own way. I recently asked her about this and she said "well the men always pay". I dug a little deeper and said "There is always a man with the you when you go out?". She said when there is a man in the group, yes, and they pay. She said these 4-5 male friends are the old fashion type and will not allow the woman to pay. They are the type that, when with a group at a bar, will buy a round for everyone.

 

I questioned her on this, mainly when she goes out 1:1 with a male friend. Same response, they always pay and will not let her pay. I told her in my world, when the man always pays, it's not just a friendship.

 

One of her male friends will pay for everything when she goes to visit him out of town, or when he comes to visit in town: airline tickets, all meals, drinks, everything. She states he is like a brother to her and he will not let her pay. When we were dating we met him out for a movie once when he was in town. He had already bought tickets for him, her and her daughter and said "I did not know Babolat was coming so I did not get him a ticket". Rather than go buy me a ticket, he just stood there, talking to her and her daughterl so I went to buy my own ticket. Onc einside he bought them candy, drinks, popcorn, etc. I bought my own water. No offer from him. He did know I was coming as she called him while we were on the road and mentioned I was with her.

 

One of her other male friends is someone she use to date, 10 years ago, casual dating, who is now dating a mutual friend and they plan to get married. They always go out as a group, him, my ex and his gf, sometimes there are other friends. He always pays and will not let her pay. He is the type who will pay for everyone when they go out. I quickly reminded her the first time I met him was at a bar, I bought 3 drinks for myself, and he never offered to pay for mine. She states thats because he did not like the way I was treating her then (she was drunk when I arrived at the bar, I was upset, her friends were too and even thanked me for coming to get her, and I left the bar without her, making sure she had a ride first, but did come back later to pick her up). I also said before "all that", he did not offer to buy my first drink. I talked to him for 15 - 20 mins, no offer. And, at the time I did not know they use to date. He was introduced to me as her girlfriends boyfriend.

 

The 3rd male friend is someone she has known since she was a child. He buys everytime they go out; again she says its an oid fashioned thing and he will not let her pay.

 

She will also go out with married couples and let the husband pay.

 

I have 2 good female friends now who refuse to let me pay and make it very clear they are paying for themselves when we go out. I shared this with her. I told her, in my eyes, if a man is paying all the time, it's more than friends. She disagrees. We agreed that we see this differently.

 

I ended the conversation by teling her it hurt me and upset me that she lets men pay for her drinks/dinner, and in my opinion, to a degree, she assumes they will and kind of takes advantage of that. I told her when she does go out, and pays her own way, mostly with her female friends, how can she do that and NOT do what she always said, and still says now, "take me out for a nice dinner but I can't afford to". Her reply ""It's only $6 for a glass of wine when I go out". My reply "6 X 10 = $60, which will pay for a decent dinner". And I reminded her again i would probably not let her pay; the offer to would be nice though.

 

So, ladies of LS who have male friends who you go out with, do you let them pay?

 

Men of LS who have female friends, do you alwasy pay when you go out?

 

 

Thanks

[RedRobin]

I always offer to pay my share. Friend or not. Always have. I was raised to pull my own weight.

 

If he insists on paying, I'll do like my Grandma taught me....

 

Offer once more. If he still insists, then accept.

[KungFuJoe]

I don't treat my female friends any differently than my male friends. I treat, they treat. My best female friend invited my wife and I to go to Mexico with her next month and SHE offered to pay for the room herself. We said no, and chipped in our part.

 

That being said, my FORMER best female friend was like your ex-gf. She was very attractive and there was always some guy in the group willing to pay for her. And she let them. I never said anything because she never made me pay...so I figured, hey, if they wanna be suckers...let em.

 

Then, after I hooked up with my wife and we all started hanging out, she "slowly" started trying to make me pay. Not directly, but she would pull stunts like pretending her ATM card didn't work. If you went up to the bar to buy a drink, she would magically appear next to you and tell you what she wanted and then disappear before you had a chance to make her pay.

 

The final straw...the LAST time I ever saw her was at a restaurant. It was her, her kid, me and my wife. The check came and she didn't even look at it. I let it sit for half an hour until I finally just paid for it and didn't say a word.

 

I never saw her again...literally wrote her off like that. And she was my good friend for probably 10 years at that point. It sucked because she was VERY loyal to me and just a great friend, otherwise. She'd have fought dudes for me. But, when it came to money...she just got so used to being paid for.

 

She tried for a year to contact me but I wouldn't take her calls. A part of me feels like I should have confronted her about it...but a BIGGER part of me felt that if someone could even go there to begin with, they couldn't be completely trusted again.

[Chocolat]

I don't treat my female friends any differently than my male friends. I treat, they treat.

 

This.

 

Ditto with men I date.

[fortyninethousand322]

No when I hang out with my friends (no matter the gender) we each pay our own way.

 

The only exception being this good friend of mine (a guy) who bought me some coffee once to repay me for always driving him to the Metro stop from school. Small gesture, and not really tit for tat, it just would have been rude to refuse his offer.

[Babolat]

I don't treat my female friends any differently than my male friends. I treat, they treat. My best female friend invited my wife and I to go to Mexico with her next month and SHE offered to pay for the room herself. We said no, and chipped in our part.

 

That being said, my FORMER best female friend was like your ex-gf. She was very attractive and there was always some guy in the group willing to pay for her. And she let them. I never said anything because she never made me pay...so I figured, hey, if they wanna be suckers...let em.

 

Then, after I hooked up with my wife and we all started hanging out, she "slowly" started trying to make me pay. Not directly, but she would pull stunts like pretending her ATM card didn't work. If you went up to the bar to buy a drink, she would magically appear next to you and tell you what she wanted and then disappear before you had a chance to make her pay.

 

The final straw...the LAST time I ever saw her was at a restaurant. It was her, her kid, me and my wife. The check came and she didn't even look at it. I let it sit for half an hour until I finally just paid for it and didn't say a word.

 

I never saw her again...literally wrote her off like that. And she was my good friend for probably 10 years at that point. It sucked because she was VERY loyal to me and just a great friend, otherwise. She'd have fought dudes for me. But, when it came to money...she just got so used to being paid for.

 

She tried for a year to contact me but I wouldn't take her calls. A part of me feels like I should have confronted her about it...but a BIGGER part of me felt that if someone could even go there to begin with, they couldn't be completely trusted again.

 

I think she is use to men paying for various reasons; her looks probably at the top of the list. Remember, this is a woman who use to have AC/DC, Bon Jovi, Dokken, and other bands rent her hotel rooms when they were in town for a concert, fill the rooms up with liquor, and ask her to bring her friends to the after show party.

 

She also told me all the male figures in her life always paid: her dad, her step dad, her foster dad, her male friends, etc and that the man should pay, it's what a man should do.

 

She states when she was making good money she would offer to pay, and sometimes did.

 

Looking back more, she did find ways to do little things that did not involve money, or just a little money, for me so I am not suggesting she is a selfish you know what. This whole "the men always pay when I am out" just bugs me.

 

I left the conversation feeling like I was the one with a problem because I even brought it up. I told her it was two fold: her constantly telling me she does not have extra money, she wants to buy me things, take me out, and if we had met when she was making good money thingds would be different. Yet she finds money to go to a bar and Two, the "men alwys pay" comment when a man is in the circle/group.

[Babolat]

No when I hang out with my friends (no matter the gender) we each pay our own way.

 

The only exception being this good friend of mine (a guy) who bought me some coffee once to repay me for always driving him to the Metro stop from school. Small gesture, and not really tit for tat, it just would have been rude to refuse his offer.

 

Same here, one of my female friends recently bought me some stuff for my cat, so I got dinner next time.

[Babolat]

I always offer to pay my share. Friend or not. Always have. I was raised to pull my own weight.

 

If he insists on paying, I'll do like my Grandma taught me....

 

Offer once more. If he still insists, then accept.

 

Raised the same, I was taught to always offer.

[Babolat]

Question for the LS women:

 

If a male friend invited you out, and you knew you could not afford it, would you accept the offer and assume he would pay? If not, how would you handle this offer?

 

 

Thanks

[darkmoon]

go halves with friends and boyfriends, only emergency bail-outs require money loans

 

how truly sorry I have become for decent guys who pay 100% only to get a "no"

the victims of tight-wad princesses

[mammasita]

Question for the LS women:

 

If a male friend invited you out, and you knew you could not afford it, would you accept the offer and assume he would pay? If not, how would you handle this offer?

 

 

Thanks

Nope - I would say I didn't have any money. If he offered to pay, I would offer to pick up the bill next time we hung out.

[Ruby Slippers]

The only time I let guy friends (or girl friends) pay for me is if it's a you pay this time, I'll pay next time deal. I have a few friends who make a lot more money than I do and have expensive tastes, but I've made it clear I don't want to go to the pricey places all the time.

 

My boyfriend makes a lot more than I do, too, and he insists on paying most of the time. But I just grab the bill sometimes. I don't feel right never paying. For his birthday, I saved up and gave him a nice gift, and treated him to dinner at a nice place - a place on par with the kinds of places he takes me often. With friends, I would not regularly go to the places he takes us due to price, but food is his thing, and while I'd be happy cooking something simple at home, he loves going out for really good food. Proportionally, his birthday gift and dinner cost a lot more for me, and I could tell he really appreciated that I splurged on him like he splurges on me often.

 

And I must admit that it made my friends kinda look bad that the first few times my boyfriend and I went out to lunch with them, he paid for everybody. None of them ever once offered to pick up the bill for anything. That just didn't seem right to me.

[Keenly]

I don't pay for my friends, because I make sure to not have any bum friends.

Sorry, you don't get a free ride just because you have a vagina.

 

If its a DATE , and we are not just friends, I'll pay every time. But if a woman implies or expects me to pay , and we are just friends, its been made clear we are just friends, then I'm going to tell her she is out of her mind, and she better start hitting on the guys there if she wants free drinks.

 

I work very hard for my money and I'm not about to let selfish bums manipulate me out of it.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I wouldn't generally let a male friend pay for my meal, unless there was a really clear disparity... one of my friends who I used to date earns 6 x what I earn and knows I'm really poor at the moment due to being a student (which should change in around 12 months from now), if we met up for drinks or food he would insist on paying I'm sure, as he would with anyone he went out with who had such a lesser income than him. When we were dating I'd pull my weight though and insist on getting a round of drinks in, or bringing the wine if he bought food, or buying and cooking a meal for him if he paid for the apartment for the evening, that kind of thing.

 

As for other male friends, it's generally customary to offer to get whoever needs a drink in the group a drink, whether it's male or female, and it thankfully never really occurs where all of a sudden everyone will accept a drink from one person. So sometimes I'll be bought a drink, other times I'll buy a drink for other people. When I go out to the pub or bar for the evening I generally only have one or two alcoholic drinks anyway, and when I'm out clubbing I don't accept drinks from men as to me, that's a little rude if you're not willing to chat, flirt and hang out while you're drinking together. And as I'm in a relationship, I just want to see my friends when I'm out

 

It would be very rude if I were out with my boyfriend and a male friend/ex, and the ex offered to buy me a drink and didn't offer anything to my boyfriend, purely because it'd be excluding somebody. We all tend to keep an eye out and not accept more than one or two drinks from any one person, and make sure to offer one back.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Question for the LS women:

 

If a male friend invited you out, and you knew you could not afford it, would you accept the offer and assume he would pay? If not, how would you handle this offer?

 

 

Thanks

 

I would say sorry I can't afford it and if they had a lot of money and insisted for me to come out and it was an old long term friend and he insisted that he would pay then I'd maybe go out depending on how fun it sounded. But generally if I'm in a relationship I don't enjoy hanging out with make friends and having them pay for me, regardless of how long we've known eachother and I would definitely not assume he would pay.

[acrosstheuniverse]

My boyfriend and I are both pretty much on a par at the moment for being really poor, and we take it in turns. We don't go out to eat or drink very often because of our financial situation, but we did go out for lunch last week as we had a rare day off... he got the main course and coffees in, and I bought us four cakes to share (it was a really fancy place selling certain food I can't get in my city and we wanted to make the most of it while we were there!) when he was ill with glandular fever I'd make homemade soup and take it round to him because he couldn't keep much down without vomiting and I figured he could use the vitamins... when I've been ill this past couple of days he's shown up with maybe £5 of little treats I'd pointed out in shops but not bought myself. It's those little things that mean a lot to me/us, not being taken out and bought an expensive dinner every week.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Question for the LS women:

 

If a male friend invited you out, and you knew you could not afford it, would you accept the offer and assume he would pay? If not, how would you handle this offer?

 

 

Thanks

 

If we're close enough to go out, we're close enough for me to say 'aww that sounds fun and I'd love to have gone, but I just can't afford it at the moment! How about *somewhere cheaper/dinner at mine*?'

[Bigcitydreamer]

I just read in the OP that this is your ex that did that correct? If so that's good news. You have every right to be annoyed! Most people would not do that.

[Babolat]

I just read in the OP that this is your ex that did that correct? If so that's good news. You have every right to be annoyed! Most people would not do that.

 

Yes, it is the ex.

 

She texted me around 7PM last night, said she was out with a gf, did I want to meet her. I said no, I'm in for the night. She later texted to ask if she could stop by and stay the night. My house is much closer to where she was then her apartment is, I knew she was drinking, so I said yes.

 

This morning I started a conversation by stating "It use to hurt me when we were dating when you always said you wanted to take me out for a nice dinner, though you could not because of money, yet you go out to clubs/bars with your friends and buy drinks" She immediately replied "The men always pay". I then asked "Who payed last night?" She said "<insert name> did, he always does when we go out" He is the man she use to casually date who is now dating one of her good friends.

 

The same man I met for the first time at a bar (I showed up lated), who ironically did not pay for my drinks, never even offered. When I mentioned that, that is when she said "Well, they did not like the way you were treating me". The "way I was treating her" was telling her I was going to leave as she was drunk, again, and I did not feel like drinking with them or baby sitting her. Her friends asked me not to leave as they did not want to have to deal with "her drunk ass". I reminded her of that and she did not say anything, just continued with the "How I was treating her" statement.

 

To some of the other replies, these men do make good money, a lot more than her, have a lot of money, she does not. So maybe it's just that.

[KungFuJoe]

Babolat,

 

You ever get the sense that your ex is having her cake and eating it, too?

 

I mean, yeah, you're getting sex out of it, but she is getting pretty much everything she got from you when you were together, without the commitment...AND you're paying for her.

 

I would seriously take a good long look at your current situation.

 

I know it's tough and I have had ex sex with two different exes...I know it's hard to just cut off sex cold turkey, especially when it's good.

 

But, ask yourself...what are YOU getting out of it? Not talking about NOW...but tomorrow. What's in it for you tomorrow?

[Treasa]

When it comes to male friends, I almost always insist upon paying. Actually, I almost always insist on paying for my female friends, too. It drives them nuts, and it's hard to get me not to, but it's just habit.

 

I actually often offer to pay on dates, too, although I haven't been on a "first date" in forever.

[crude]

Of course you shouldn't pay just because you're a man. But men seem to have lost the ability to just say no. If someone is a mooch, you don't need them as a friend. Women who do this do it only because they can get away with it. Their female friends won't allow it, their clients won't pay for a business meal, it's only foolish men who were raised to always pay, for dates, friends, sisters, anything female. The OP has thought this out, knows what some women can be, just don't allow it. Don't pay. Men are enablers, allowing women to think they're entitled. This also is an insult to decent women who pay their own way, while leeches associate going out with free ride.

[Treasa]

Question for the LS women:

 

If a male friend invited you out, and you knew you could not afford it, would you accept the offer and assume he would pay? If not, how would you handle this offer?

 

 

Thanks

 

I would say, "I'd love to! Dinner is on me, though, but you get to pick where we go." And then give a charming smile. It never fails. Plus they know I'll hurt them if they try to argue with me.

 

ETA: You know that whole love languages thing? One of my styles is paying for things or doing things for people. That's one of the ways I show love.

[Babolat]

Babolat,

 

You ever get the sense that your ex is having her cake and eating it, too?

 

I mean, yeah, you're getting sex out of it, but she is getting pretty much everything she got from you when you were together, without the commitment...AND you're paying for her.

 

I would seriously take a good long look at your current situation.

 

I know it's tough and I have had ex sex with two different exes...I know it's hard to just cut off sex cold turkey, especially when it's good.

 

But, ask yourself...what are YOU getting out of it? Not talking about NOW...but tomorrow. What's in it for you tomorrow?

 

Great cooment/feedback.

 

Well, I am doing just that, questioning what I am doing with her.

 

In fact, this morning I said "We are not dating so it does not matter to me" and it truly does not because I can walk away from it. She said "Yeah, we are not dating" with a thinking expression on her face.

 

I know her very well. She is not intentionally having her cake and eating it to. She is crazy about me; I see it, I feel it. She is acting on emotions more than I am. I am more logical.

 

She said she was scared to even text me last night, based on our previous history with her going out drinking, yet she wanted to, she wanted to see how I responded. I told her this was not about her going out and drinking, though she kept stating over and over "It is".

[Lansing]

The reason why your ex is broke is because of her attitude about money. They "It is only $6" thing is very common. A lot of people don't understand how money can add up and what savings/budgets really are. If I were you I would stop PAYING for her. Geez, you two aren't together anymore. If you want to keep banging her it is pretty much a "I pay for dinner, you put out" situation.

Sounds like your ex is very selfish. Telling you she wanted to take you out for dinner/etc.

 

I broke up with an ex because I felt like she always kept track of the $5 dollars I would owe her but she was easy to forget the $20 she would owe me or the meals I would pay for or whatever. She always complained that she was poor but she was often pretty lazy too when it came to chances to make money (i.e. she didn't want to work on weekends/etc). We are friends now and I still will occasionally buy her a coffee/etc if I am going to be passing by a spot before seeing her but not once has she ever initiated trying to make an effort to give me anything like that. I have come to accept it as part of her personality and it is fine for a friendship but I would never date her again.