Woman who have male friends: Do you let your male friend pay?

[KungFuJoe]

She just sent me a text stating all of her girlfriends let men buy them drinks and it's a "womans code" to not tell their SO, She said ALL woman do this and the men are not privy to "what really goes on" as it's part of the "womans code".

 

I told her not in my world, and not the woman I will commit my life to. It's called trust and communication. Ask me if it's ok for a man to buy you drinks when you are out with your gfs. If I say yes, then great. If I say No, then respect that.

 

Wait a sec. I'm not clear on something. Is she saying that whatever happens in a bar is none of the SO's business? What is this woman's code that she is referring to?

 

I know when my wife goes out without me (rare, but it happens) that there is NOTHING she does that she feels I don't need to know about. And the same with me. I would never do anything that I feel I couldn't tell my wife about afterwards.

[Babolat]

Wait a sec. I'm not clear on something. Is she saying that whatever happens in a bar is none of the SO's business? What is this woman's code that she is referring to?

 

I know when my wife goes out without me (rare, but it happens) that there is NOTHING she does that she feels I don't need to know about. And the same with me. I would never do anything that I feel I couldn't tell my wife about afterwards.

 

That's the message I heard; it was over text though so who knows, it could be a context/electronic miscommunication thing. She reiterated that ALL women accept drinks from men in bars, whether I believe that or not, and that none of them tells their SOs. And they don't for the very reason it bothers me she said. She also said it was circumstantial, which I heard to mean if men in a bar buy a group of women a round of shots, it's ok, or as long as the woman makes it clear she is unavailable it's ok.

 

She also said she has nothing to hide and believes in trust and communication in a relationship. I found that a bit ironic after she her "womans code" comment, where woman hide this from their SOs per her, and she only told me she did this while we were dating after I asked; 5+ months post breakup.

 

She followed up with she only accepted drinks from men 3 times while we were dating (12 months), she was with a group of girls, and it happened before she even knew it. Shots/drinks were lined up in front of them, she drank them and they came from men in the bar.

 

She said when she was out she always made it very clear she was in a relationship, and to her that is all that really matters.

 

All I can say is am sooooo glad I broke up with this woman 5+ months ago; and I am realizing her being in my life right now is a big mistake emotionally for me.

[serial muse]

She just sent me a text stating all of her girlfriends let men buy them drinks and it's a "womans code" to not tell their SO, She said ALL woman do this and the men are not privy to "what really goes on" as it's part of the "womans code".

 

:lmao: Damn it, I've misplaced my copy of the Code. Wonder if I can write away for a new one somewhere.

 

Seriously. That's such BS and justification for bad behavior. Blech. Speaking as a woman, I really wish that lady wouldn't drag me and other unsuspecting women into her schemes. Maybe that's what she and certain of her friends do, but they hardly represent all women, everywhere.

 

It's like she just keeps digging a deeper hole with you. Glad you're getting some emotional distance from her now.

[Woggle]

:lmao: Damn it, I've misplaced my copy of the Code. Wonder if I can write away for a new one somewhere.

 

Seriously. That's such BS and justification for bad behavior. Blech. Speaking as a woman, I really wish that lady wouldn't drag me and other unsuspecting women into her schemes. Maybe that's what she and certain of her friends do, but they hardly represent all women, everywhere.

 

It's like she just keeps digging a deeper hole with you. Glad you're getting some emotional distance from her now.

 

Women like her make women look so bad because there are many men who really do believe all women are like that.

[Woggle]

When I am out with my friends male and female I tend to treat and sometimes they do. There is no difference between gender in my circles. I don't tend to associate with users in my personal life so if a woman thought I should pay because I am a man I would most likely not have her as a friend anyway.

[tart6245]

I never pay for my female friends. If they just want a friendship, that's what they'll get. I'm not letting them use me as a boyfriend without any responsibility.

[Babolat]

We talked for 2 hours last night, and it was a good talk.

 

The entire men buying drinks conversation was over text, and I took a lot of things out of context.

 

She made it very clear she never accepted a drink from a man while we were dating. She also made it very clear she has high integrity, more than most of her gfs, and she made it clear to any man who approached her, in a bar or elsewhere, she was in a relationship and was not interested, when we were dating.

 

The 3 times while we we dating where she did accept a drink, were times where she was out with a bunch of girls, a birthday girls night out, a man. or group of men would buy the group of girls a round of drinks, and she did accept the drink. There was no talking, not sociailizing with the men. As she put it, it was men buying a round for the party, that was it. And she saw nothing wrong with that. She worked as a bartender for 15 years and states this is very common. A group of girls are out celebrating, a man. or group of men will buy them around of drinks, and it's all in good fun. If the men expressed other interests she made it very clear she was not interested that way.

 

I could see/feel her anger and frustration that I put her in the bucket of woman who do accept drinks, who do talk to men and who do not have boundaries when they are in a relationship. Knowing I thought this way about her really upset her.

 

We talked about some of the things that concerned me while we were dating. Mainly, the 2-3 times she stayed in a hotel room with her male best friend while he was in town. She got upset and said she was not in the room alone with him, there was always another friend, in 2 cases one of there common female best friends. She said she wanted to spend more time with them, see them, catch up, and stay out. It made sense to take a cab, and go back to the room. She sees no difference between that and going back to someones house to crash for the night.

 

She was good at saying she understood how I felt, how some of thi smade me feel uncomfortable. She said over and over that she is not that kind of woman, that she carrys herslef well and she made it clear she was with me.

 

I asked if her male best friend, who she sees as a brother, ever showed sexual interest in her. She said yes, when they first met, and she made it clear she was not interested and that would never happen. He has never hit on her or brought it up since. Since then she has been engaged in a 7 yearsrelationship, and then dated me. I met him while we dated and could instantly see he is a male whore, and she agrees, though I could tell she truly cared for him and saw him as a friend.

 

She said she gets scared thinking about us dating again as she felt defensive when with me; defensive with her drinking. She has cut way back on her drinking, and as she put it she is back to where she was, more normal, prior to when we met. I told her the same, i am scared to date again not knowing if she truly has cut back, and I do not know what normal drinking is for her. She said when we broke up she took a hard look at herself and realized she did not want to drink as much as she had been, she did not want to be that person, and changed for her.

 

We both agreed the past 5 months has been wonderful, when we did see each other. She said that's who she is now.

 

I have been talking about going no contact, and last night she agreed to it.

 

I am sad, I truly love and care for this woman, yet I know some things are just not right. She feels the same. Each time we talk I feel better, I gain a better understanding of who she is and how she thinks, and so does she. Who knows what the future holds.

[Betterthanthis13]

In a relationship of any kind- it does not matter who pays. It matters that both people appreciate the other persons contributions and reciprocate.

 

I always pay for myself. My guy friends would crack up laughing or throw the little book the check came in at my head if I announced "men should pay for women". Hell no.

 

That being said.

 

My ex that I was with for 9 years liked to pay. At first it was weird for me and I insisted on taking turns, or pitching in. At first we compromised and he would let me leave the tip. But neither of us was happy about it.

 

So I started letting him pay, but I made darn sure to reciprocate in other ways by buying him little gifts, and spending money on things he woud appreciate, like funny gadgets or decorative stuff to make the house nicer. He did not appreciate me pitching in for dinner or even vacations. He was happy with the other things. So that worked itself out and everyone was happy.

 

My point is i dont think it is really about money or who pays. It's about the value of what you are contributing and whether the other person appreciates it and vice versa.

 

There is no woman code to let men pay at bars. I was a bartender for a few years too. That's a skank code. Sorry, I know you are going through a rough time and probably don't want to hear that but I just read this thread for the first time and am offended she said that.

 

Yes, men will buy women drinks in bars. Duh. That is not news. I can take advantage of that if I want. I choose not to.

[Babolat]

It's about the value of what you are contributing and whether the other person appreciates it and vice versa.

 

We talked about this last night. She said though she did not have extra money to spend on us she found little ways to contribute where she could, and I did see that. She also agreed it was a mistake for her to always tell me she wanted to take me out, buy me a nice dinner, but could not. That she should have either just done it, or stopped mentioning it. She said she brought it up as often as she did as she felt bad that I always paid, that she use to make good money and could pay, and she hated not being able to pay. It bothered her. It bothered her that I could not see that she does do that (meaning she did in her previous relationship when she was making good money) and it meant a lot to her to be able to do that.

 

Regarding the womans code, yeah, we agreed to disagree on that one.

Edited September 5, 2013 by Babolat

[TheGuard13]

The hell happened to paying for someone's drink or meal (male or female) just to be a good friend/decent sort?

[Babolat]

3+ days NC since our last talk, not directly because of this post, but because I suggested it (many times actually) and she finally agreed to it.

 

It hurts, bad, and I miss her texts, as she makes me smile. We shall see how this goes.

 

Thanks for the feedback here!

[MissBee]

If we're friends, male or not, I expect we pay our own way or split the cost...unless I'm specifically treating you or you me, which happens lots of times.

 

I have one male friend who is an "old-fashioned" type like your gf's friends...(although I'm sorry, paying for airplane tickets etc is insane and sending the wrong message) who when we go out he insists on paying and gets upset if I try to pull out my card...so I don't bother to argue with him and allow him to pay. But besides him, in every other situation I pay my own way or we split the cost.

[Babolat]

although I'm sorry, paying for airplane tickets etc is insane and sending the wrong message

 

Last week I finally asked her about this male friend, if he initially wanted more than a friendship, did he want to f her. She said yes, and she made it clear it would never happen. She said he tried one more time and she again made it clear it would never happen.

 

This was 10 years ago; now she says he is like a brother to her. Sorry, I have never wanted to f my sisters.

[Babolat]

Update: Almost 3 weeks NC. She did send me an email Friday night, which I waitied until Sunday night to read and reply to.

 

She wanted to tell me, again, she is not drinking as much, went the entire week without drinking, did not go out, and they she does not think she has a problem at all. She did have to say, which I thought was cute, "but I am going out tonight!"

 

She said she misses me, loves me, sees us together, growing old together, that she needs more time to make sure she is OK with her "going out" and drinking. She is afraid to lose me, but understands it may happen, and that she is scared to date again because of how she loses herself when dating.

 

I replied, pretty much acknowledging her comments, repeating what I heard.