"Codependent No More" book and questiosn

[Confusion_Reigns]

Hello, I finally got this book that's been recommended to me "Codependent No More" and am at about chapter 3. I'm pretty amazed and truthfully pretty appalled at the info I'm learning and how my life fits into this concept.

 

I do feel compelled to put myself last in just about every area of my life in order to make sure those around me don't feel bad. I do put my husbands well-being above my own and have for a very long time. I do put my children's needs above my own. I don't feel good much of the time.

 

I've been on a quest for personal growth/development over the last several years. I don't like feeling like crap so I'm trying to find a way to not feel like crap. I have been told before that I should take a look at this book but, really, I didn't want to...I felt like "No way, that's not me I'm not codependent" or felt like the idea of codependency was actually a natural state of being...but I'm learning that it's not natural, it's not healthy, and no matter what I do or don't do...HE (my husband) will always be who he is...and there really is nothing I can do about that. Accept him as is or move one.

 

I haven't wanted to move on, yet, because of the kids. I know it's a lame excuse...but it is also a big reason for me to try to work on this marriage. To TRY to do something. Truthfully, I like being in a relationship. I enjoy waking up next to someone everyday. I enjoy talking to someone and being held...but at the same time it's all tainted, it's always tainted...because I know who he is and how he is...and I know that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop...and I try so hard to keep that other shoe from dropping...

 

I need to make some changes in my life. I'm quite fearful of these changes...or more to the point...what these changes will induce in my life and in my children's lives...and yes, in my husband's life as well.

 

If anyone has any info on codependency or how they've overcome or learned to deal with this in themselves I'd surly appreciate you're thoughts or personal stories.

[spiderowl]

It is truly life-changing to become aware of co-dependency. Someone once said to me (when I was feeling desperate and down in a relationship) 'Your feelings matter too'. Until then, I hadn't given my feelings the weight I'd allowed for others'. If you respect yourself and your feelings, you are actually giving something to other people too, a new strength, as they can trust you to be true to yourself and still consider them. It is a new balance.

 

I honestly don't know whether you can achieve that balance within your marriage or not. You know your husband and whether he would be capable of adapting to change. I could make a few suggestions for things you could try, without resorting to ending the marriage, but they are ideas - they are not tried and tested so I can't recommend them, merely offer them for you to think about:

 

- how about having a talk with him about how you think the status quo is that his, or the children's, feelings matter more than yours and that you think it best for all concerned that there is a better balance. See if he recognises what you are talking about and, if so, discuss how this could be achieved

 

- give at least equal weight to your own feelings as you give to those of others

 

- when you feel someone is treating you badly, imagine how you would treat them in the same circumstances, with respect, and refuse to allow them to treat you any less kindly

 

- learn about Focusing (get hold of Eugene Gendlin's book) and become more aware of your real feelings about situations. This may help you to realise when your self is feeling threatened or abused

 

- children are vulnerable and of course need to be protected and nurtured by parents. Parents also need to nurture themselves too, to have the energy and resources to be able to give the best to their children. You could try to draw a line with your children when your needs are really being set aside for reasons that are trivial to all of you. I know it's hard to tell which on occasions (a sick child's needs do come before our need for that extra hour's sleep), but yet another story when you are dead tired and they've had a fun day playing, a nice tea and are just not tired, is the time to draw a line.

 

A strong, confident mother has so much to offer her family in terms of energy and as an example. There is nothing wrong with you taking what you need to become that person. You have it within you.

Edited September 1, 2013 by spiderowl

[FitChick]

You say your husband won't change. You don't know that for sure. If YOU change, he will have to change how he reacts to you. He will have to do something differently because you will be different.