Split life

[AutumnMoon]

We hang out as friends in a lot of situations and never talk about what we've done unless we are sure as are completely alone. I know he's using me.. I don't know that he knows I'm using him too. We don't say I love you. We've said a lot of things that have made it obvious to each other we feel love though but we've been able to seperate this from our daily lives pretty well I think but only because we don't let things get too intense. We could daily both go over board. Start contacting each other everyday and every night and lose focus because we start acting like horny teenagers.. So we keep contact pretty calm as often as we can maybe to once a week.. And once a month it gets intense.

 

I'm curious. Do you see your other person in daily life where you have to act as if you are not together the way you really are? Or do you roll in totally seperate circles? Different friends and such? We share the same and are both married.

How do you deal?

I'm not looking for judgment and I'm not looking to end the affair. Just navigate through some feelings that's all.

 

I think I've found a good balance.

However knowing all the same people I have to smile and be pleasant at times when I'm aching inside too. Or trying to will him with my mind to contact me so I don't have to contact him first.. Pathetic I know.

Edited August 30, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[movingon45]

"However knowing all the same people I have to smile and be pleasant at times when I'm aching inside too. Or trying to will him with my mind to contact me so I don't have to contact him first.. Pathetic I know."

 

How long has this been going on? We are in the same situation. I've tried the compartmentalized thing and it's easier because we don't work together. However, I have fallen and your last statement of willing him to contact me so I don't contact him first has been really painful, so I decided to end it and has gone NC to LC to NC again because I just don't want that anymore. I've deleted him then added him then deleted. He has been an obsession and I am learning to control it. It has been great so far. Whenever I feel the urge to contact him (harder now that I have deleted him) I just think of the hurt of being used.

[Speakingofwhich]

Just got out of an A. We live in different cities and don't know any of the same people. I didn't ever contact him. He contacted me many times a day.

[AutumnMoon]

"However knowing all the same people I have to smile and be pleasant at times when I'm aching inside too. Or trying to will him with my mind to contact me so I don't have to contact him first.. Pathetic I know."

 

How long has this been going on? We are in the same situation. I've tried the compartmentalized thing and it's easier because we don't work together. However, I have fallen and your last statement of willing him to contact me so I don't contact him first has been really painful, so I decided to end it and has gone NC to LC to NC again because I just don't want that anymore. I've deleted him then added him then deleted. He has been an obsession and I am learning to control it. It has been great so far. Whenever I feel the urge to contact him (harder now that I have deleted him) I just think of the hurt of being used.

 

I think I'm getting off on feeling used I don't even know because I do feel like that sometimes but I don't think he's doing it intentionally.

It's been going on for a year and as recent as yesterday.

[Calcmag]

We worked together, same office, desks about 15 feet apart

We tended to act quite flirty with each other in the office, both married when the A first started, and we found this was a rather successful way of stopping people suspecting anything! I know it sounds counterintuitive but the A went on for several years and even after it ended nobody ever seemed to suspect we'd been having an affair. We both eventually left that workplace and I'm still in contact with several ex colleagues and have never been asked if anything was going on between us. People just dont expect you to flirt around openly and make jokes about it if there's actually something going on - despite the 'there's no smoke without fire' theory.

 

Because we saw each other 5 days a week we rarely contacted each other outside of work. And socially our paths never crossed, even though at one point in the affair we only lived 5 miles apart from one another.

 

Regular contact like that makes it much harder to compartmentalise, and it makes it much harder to handle when/if the A eventually ends.

[AutumnMoon]

We worked together, same office, desks about 15 feet apart

We tended to act quite flirty with each other in the office, both married when the A first started, and we found this was a rather successful way of stopping people suspecting anything! I know it sounds counterintuitive but the A went on for several years and even after it ended nobody ever seemed to suspect we'd been having an affair. We both eventually left that workplace and I'm still in contact with several ex colleagues and have never been asked if anything was going on between us. People just dont expect you to flirt around openly and make jokes about it if there's actually something going on - despite the 'there's no smoke without fire' theory.

 

Because we saw each other 5 days a week we rarely contacted each other outside of work. And socially our paths never crossed, even though at one point in the affair we only lived 5 miles apart from one another.

 

Regular contact like that makes it much harder to compartmentalise, and it makes it much harder to handle when/if the A eventually ends.

 

We don't work together but live in a small area.. Everyone knows everyone, our spouses are friends, we are friends.. We have to see each other pretty much everyday. So far it's been great but I do wonder what will happened if anything was to shake things up, if it ended or something it will be hard to deal.

[Feb]

Hi Autumn,Welcome! I still can't figure out how long this has been going on with your A. Many of us on the board do (or did) have a similar situation where we either worked with our AP, or they were a neighbor, so we did run in similar circles. Yes, it's hard. At first it's exciting because with a quick glance, the two of you have shared secret, but that is coupled with fear or getting caught, and sometimes paranoia sets in.

 

 

You say you are not looking to end it, but you do wonder what will happen. I was like you once -- I enjoyed the highs of the A, and we were both clear we weren't leaving our families, so week to week it was just going with the moment and separating our lives.

 

 

However with relationships like this with connection, whether sexual, emotional or both, they can rarely just stay as is. They need to progress or they need to end. One of you will eventually feel more or expect more from the relationship. One of you will want more contact and more frequent intimacy. Another scenario is that one of us will want to end it -- the risks are just too high, or there was a DDay scare and then go LC or NC. The other party is hurt and wonders what is going on.

 

 

Then of course there is DDay for both of you and all hell breaks loose for both of your families. I know you will say "We are careful and no one suspects anything". The longer the A goes on, the more likely it is you will get caught. i noticed with me, Year One we were very discreet and careful; Year Two got kind of sloppy. We kind of thought of ourselves as a couple; the little touches and standing very close to each other were probably suspicious to all. Be careful of the texts and emails. That's how most are caught. I know you are not looking for advice or judgement, but you may want to think of the impact to you and your family if a DDay were to occur and at least slow things down a little.

[2sure]

I'm not sure how to navigate the compartments. Still, I do have something to offer my personal experience as OW. I was eventually able to compartmentalize the affair, the rest of my life, and the aspects of my life that were affected by the affair. I say eventually because it took some practice, and after awhile became habit. I became comfortable with living my life in compartments ....long after being OW, it's still a hard process to Reverse.

 

Just a heads up.

[AutumnMoon]

I'm not sure how to navigate the compartments. Still, I do have something to offer my personal experience as OW. I was eventually able to compartmentalize the affair, the rest of my life, and the aspects of my life that were affected by the affair. I say eventually because it took some practice, and after awhile became habit. I became comfortable with living my life in compartments ....long after being OW, it's still a hard process to Reverse.

 

Just a heads up.

 

Thanks. I've lived my life like this for a long time (in compartments) it's not new, but this situation is. I'm trying to stay calm and balanced but we all know how easy that is.

[AutumnMoon]

Hi Autumn,Welcome! I still can't figure out how long this has been going on with your A. Many of us on the board do (or did) have a similar situation where we either worked with our AP, or they were a neighbor, so we did run in similar circles. Yes, it's hard. At first it's exciting because with a quick glance, the two of you have shared secret, but that is coupled with fear or getting caught, and sometimes paranoia sets in.

 

 

You say you are not looking to end it, but you do wonder what will happen. I was like you once -- I enjoyed the highs of the A, and we were both clear we weren't leaving our families, so week to week it was just going with the moment and separating our lives.

 

 

However with relationships like this with connection, whether sexual, emotional or both, they can rarely just stay as is. They need to progress or they need to end. One of you will eventually feel more or expect more from the relationship. One of you will want more contact and more frequent intimacy. Another scenario is that one of us will want to end it -- the risks are just too high, or there was a DDay scare and then go LC or NC. The other party is hurt and wonders what is going on.

 

 

Then of course there is DDay for both of you and all hell breaks loose for both of your families. I know you will say "We are careful and no one suspects anything". The longer the A goes on, the more likely it is you will get caught. i noticed with me, Year One we were very discreet and careful; Year Two got kind of sloppy. We kind of thought of ourselves as a couple; the little touches and standing very close to each other were probably suspicious to all. Be careful of the texts and emails. That's how most are caught. I know you are not looking for advice or judgement, but you may want to think of the impact to you and your family if a DDay were to occur and at least slow things down a little.

 

The physical side has been going on about a year. If we were both honest the emotional side has been ongoing for about 3 years.

[solostand]

We do not work together but we do see each other nearly every day.

 

If we don't see each other, we talk on the phone for several hours each day. . .

 

We attend the same self-help group. We both had been attending the same group on and off for years, and both of us have many friends there.

 

Last fall, we started travelling together to this group. First we started flirting with each other across the crowded room, et cetera.

 

A year later, we act as a couple at this group. We arrive together, we sit together, he has held my hand, after the meeting we talk to others as a couple. Some of the people in this group know his wife and I am shocked they haven't said anything.

 

He owns a life guard company. He has to visit his beaches each day. We meet together there, and lie in the sun and swim together. He has introduced me to his lifeguards and his staff. We have been seen leaving the beach together in his vehicle - and arriving together in his vehicle.

 

I have seen his wife but never spoken to her. He says she often asks about the support group and he tells stories of the people there. He says my name comes up sometimes.

 

He was supposed to be at the support group yesterday morning but he spent it with me instead. When he got home she asked him what the meeting was about. He came up with a topic and filled in details from previous meetings.

 

This morning we went to the support group together and then he spent the rest of the morning with me. She called at one point. Then something he said upset me. When he hung up he said "That was the wife, wondering if I had had breakfast. I wanted to say I had Solostand for breakfast."

 

I found that very disrespectful and said so. I also accused him of being passive agressive towards his wife, which he admitted he is.

 

Sorry for the ramble.

[Quiet Storm]

We do not work together but we do see each other nearly every day.

 

If we don't see each other, we talk on the phone for several hours each day. . .

 

We attend the same self-help group. We both had been attending the same group on and off for years, and both of us have many friends there.

 

Last fall, we started travelling together to this group. First we started flirting with each other across the crowded room, et cetera.

 

A year later, we act as a couple at this group. We arrive together, we sit together, he has held my hand, after the meeting we talk to others as a couple. Some of the people in this group know his wife and I am shocked they haven't said anything.

 

He owns a life guard company. He has to visit his beaches each day. We meet together there, and lie in the sun and swim together. He has introduced me to his lifeguards and his staff. We have been seen leaving the beach together in his vehicle - and arriving together in his vehicle.

 

I have seen his wife but never spoken to her. He says she often asks about the support group and he tells stories of the people there. He says my name comes up sometimes.

 

He was supposed to be at the support group yesterday morning but he spent it with me instead. When he got home she asked him what the meeting was about. He came up with a topic and filled in details from previous meetings.

 

This morning we went to the support group together and then he spent the rest of the morning with me. She called at one point. Then something he said upset me. When he hung up he said "That was the wife, wondering if I had had breakfast. I wanted to say I had Solostand for breakfast."

 

I found that very disrespectful and said so. I also accused him of being passive agressive towards his wife, which he admitted he is.

 

Sorry for the ramble.

 

 

I think there are lots of MM that are passive aggressive.

 

A common scenario is that over the course of a marriage, the wife begins to reject her husband sexually. Her sex drive may be low, she may be busy or tired, she may have health issues, or she may just not be attracted to him anymore. Often times with kids, sex falls down the priority list. The MM takes the rejection personally and resentment builds. He wants an active married sex life and feels robbed. An affair accomplishes two things- it meets his sexual needs and also is a way to get back at his wife.

 

I think many OW assume that if there is no sex happening with the wife- MM is done with the marriage. Many times the MM still wants sex with the wife, but stops trying because his ego can't take the rejection. I think there is a strong possibility that MM is not done at all-especially if there is passive aggressive behavior. It means that his feelings are still very wrapped up in his wife. This kind of affair is not about the connection between MM and OW, its not about compatibility, its not about how much MM loves OW- its about MM and his unresolved feelings about his wife. Usually feelings of rejection and inadequacy. The affair is driven by his insecurity, fear, anger, disappointment and sense of entitlement.

 

This kind of affair is very risky for OW because what happens if MMs wife makes a change? What if there is a d-day? What if they go to counseling and the wife learns about his needs and decides to make an effort to meet those needs? What if the affair is the catalyst for change? What if OW was the tool MM used to get BW to pay attention?

 

Its definitely something for OW to think about, especially if MM seems very angry and resentful towards his wife.