She wants to seperate (now what?)

[Guest]

My wife said last night she would like to seperate so she can try and find herself again. She said she doesnt want to hurt me, but I need to respect her situation. She doesnt want to live a lie anymore, and feels I am more of a security blanket then someone she loves with her whole heart. I am 28, my wife is 23 (we have been together for 5 years, 10 months married)

 

What should I do? I love my wife and my son (3yo) completely, they are my whole world, and I do not know if I can handle going through this. We have had some rough times, and have addressed some issues, and while on some occasions things go really well, she suddenly turns on a dime and everything is not good.

 

How should I approach this? I have asked if we could go to conselling, and it was a flat out now - 'it won't help, and it won't change my mind'. Should I try and do something? Should I move out and give her time? what ...

 

Please help, and I am very hurt and confused...

[Ladyjane14]

Unfortunately, there are alot of guys here in the same situation as you. I'm sure they'll be glad to offer some insight.

 

Do you have any idea what her major complaints are in the marriage? If she were to post here in this forum her view of the relationship, what would she say?

 

She's pretty young at 23. Is she just generally dissatisfied with how her life is progessing? Or are there issues that involve you?

 

Should I move out and give her time?

 

I think you'll need to post more details to get a better answer on that. You might also try <URL removed>

[Guest]

She says that she is not happy, and needs time by herself to figure out what she wants. She also said she would quit her job, and just be a mother. An old male friend of hers, has recently appeared and they have been talking to one another quite a bit. I have bought this up with her on many occasions, and she has always said it is nothing to worry about, they have and will always be just friends.

 

This only happened last night, I slept on the couch, her in the bed. I woke up this morning and said goodbye to her on the way to work, and all she said was 'i am sorry, i am just not happy'. We did have to go buy a new fridge today, and she was OK then, called me honey a couple of times, and also gave me a quick peck on the lips as I left...

 

Part of me thinks that her and her male friend have something going. I do not smother her at all, but she wants her freedom. She generally comes and goes as she feels, but I feel her main point is that she does not have a car (we share the one between us).

 

I work full time - 45 hours + and she, part time. I really love her and my son very much, she knows this and bought it up last night. She comes and goes in emotions, she did a similar thing a couple of months ago, and we managed to sort it out. It concerns me that she absolutely won't see a counselor with me, but I dont want to push. I just want to know how I should act around her - should I continue to push for a resolution, or just say nothing and hope that everything gets better?

[Scott S]

Ordinarily, needing "time by herself to figure out what she wants" would suggest a trial separation, along with couples counseling. The objective is to provide the emotional space needed to sort out & resolve the individual issues that cause problems in the relationship. Sometimes they become so entangled in the couples issues, that a separation or time out is needed to achieve this.

 

The fact that she refuses to go to counseling, along with a male friend resurfacing out of nowhere is of concern, & you are certainly justified in being so. Her denials notwithstanding, there certainly is reason to believe that something is indeed going on between them.

 

I hate to say this, but you may wish to consult with an attorney.

[Sukotto]

She's questioning the relationship because well she was 18 when it started and she will have no doubt changed as a person and matured with age. At a certain point some woman who have only really had one serious relationship start to consider what it would be like to be in another relationship and they want to go experience this.

 

My girlfriend left me after 2.5 years for the exact reason above, some guy started hitting on her and curiosity got the better of her. I'm willing to accept that and I'm just hoping that she finds that none of these were as good as me and realises what she gave up.

 

But since your married and a kid is involved its a bit more complicatd, I suggest that you give her the space required and get couples counselling to try and resolve your issues before they get any worse. This needs to be done sooner rather than later, you should be able to phone your local hospital and get list of people in your area who offer this.

 

You wont be able to convince her otherwise as this is most likely all to do with her rather than you, so dont waste energy begging or crying in an attempt to change her mind as this might just end up with a relationship based on pity or guilt and neither will last.

[Ladyjane14]

I may be in the wrong about this, but I just don't agree with "trial" separations. How can two people repair whatever damage they have in their relationship when they are not together? Relationships take DAILY work and commitment.

 

I have to wonder if the person who is presenting the idea of separation on a trial basis is really just wanting to end the relationship in the least stressful way and without finality. In other words, 'I think I'd like a divorce, but I'm not sure if I can make it on my own, so I'd like to keep you available to me in case things don't work out.'

 

I wouldn't accuse the person suggesting 'trial' separation of having that thought firmly in mind. It could be on a more subconscious level. But I do think it signals a desire to be finished with the relationship, and an insecurity about making that decision on a permanent basis.

 

I wouldn't make the assumption, Guest, that the male friend is the catalyst for this. The friendship may be innocent, or not. The litmus test being: 'what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander'. Would she be comfortable if you were in contact with an old female friend?

 

It's more likely that the catalyst is dissatisfaction. She's young. She's likely stressed with the responsibility of motherhood, and possibly feeling the loss of SELF through her roles as wife, mother, daughter, etc.

 

Could be that endeavoring in an activity that helps her reclaim her SELF would solve alot of the problem. Would she be interested in pursuing a career or attending college? I just don't think it's necessary to destroy the family dynamic in order for a person to "figure out what she wants".

 

If she won't agree to counseling, then consider going on your own. Just because your mate won't contribute half of the relationship work, doesn't mean that you shouldn't do what you can.

 

Also, Scott S.'s advice to seek legal councel should the situation degrade is good advice. It's always good to know what your options are. But I would wait until she became insistant on separation.

 

Good luck.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

I may be in the wrong about this, but I just don't agree with "trial" separations. How can two people repair whatever damage they have in their relationship when they are not together? Relationships take DAILY work and commitment.

 

I have to wonder if the person who is presenting the idea of separation on a trial basis is really just wanting to end the relationship in the least stressful way and without finality. In other words, 'I think I'd like a divorce, but I'm not sure if I can make it on my own, so I'd like to keep you available to me in case things don't work out.'

 

I wouldn't accuse the person suggesting 'trial' separation of having that thought firmly in mind. It could be on a more subconscious level. But I do think it signals a desire to be finished with the relationship, and an insecurity about making that decision on a permanent basis.

 

Each couple & each situation is different, of course. What works well for one couple may be entirely inappropriate, & perhaps even destructive for another.

 

People are dynamic. They change physically, mentally, emotionally, socially & spritually. These changes may cause stress in the relationship. The couples issues are the result of the individual issues, & how they interact. A time apart may help the individuals work on & resolve their personal issues that are contributing to the stress in the relationship.

 

Ideally, a trial separation is a time for personal growth, & with structure & control. It may help take some pressure off a troubled relationship, enabling each of the individuals to make more logiacal decisions about themselves, each other, & the future of the relationship. The separation should include a firm understanding that each will work on personal growth, there should quality time to spend together. Having a counselor involved provides control, a referee, if you will. There are, of course, many other factors & issues to be discussed & agreed upon.

 

In some cases, one of the individuals refuses to take any ownership or responsibility for the relationship issues, & has refused to become involved in the remedial action. The trial separation may serve as an attention-getter, showing him/her that the issues are serious, & that substantial changes are needed.

 

Your point is valid, that is, about the desire to end the relationship. Or rather, perhaps an uncertainty about the future of the relationship. The separation may help the person decide whether that's really what s/he wants.

[MassiveAtom]

Let her be.

 

I've noticed something that's common through all these posts.

 

When a partner wants space, or needs time away, or decides to leave, every reaction seems to be to HOLD on.

When you hold on, I'm sure everyone has noticed that you push them away.

 

I think that when one partner decides to leave for whatever reason, it's a subtle, maybe unconscious, signal that the other partner reaffirm themselves. TO themselves.

Take this opportunity to reinvigorate yourself, your partner is doing it, so take this chance for you.

 

just my $.02

 

mA

[Devildog]

Massive Atom is absolutely right. Give her the space she is asking for. If you want to have a chance at getting your marriage back on track you absolutely must do this. Don't call her, don't question what she is doing. Just give her space or you will just push her further away.

 

I have a very similar situation, just read my nice long thread on this page.

 

I would guess that both of you have some issues that make you unhappy in the marriage. You are just most likely not so unhappy to want a divorce or to end the relationship. You are not the first person to go through this. There is a reason 50% of all marriages end in divorce. I will make a few guesses here. You have been arguing quite a bit about little things. These things are not getting resolved most likely. She probably brings up a complaint and you try to justify why you do whatever it is she is complaining about. You also probably fire back with some complaints of your own. All that does is escalate the problem.

 

When she is bringing up her concerns you need to listen. Don't defend, don't deny, just listen. Don't bring up your own complaints or concerns. You are trying to defuse the situation, not escalate it. When you argue with her concerns you are basically making her feel like she is wrong and that her points are invalid. That will just make her feel worthless and make her feel you think she is stupid.

 

I think part of the problem is that she is young, and she has a child. Most likely most of her friends are still unmarried, and childless. She sees her friends still going out and having a good time, partying every weekend. She probably misses that. First, if things do work out, try to let her have some nights out with the girls. Stay home and take care of your child and let her have some fun with her friends. Also try to go out together occasionally. Get a sitter or if you live near your or her parents ask them to watch the child for a night once in awhile and go out together. Also, work on resolving the issues she has in the relationship. You want to show her that the stability and dedication of your marriage is better than the single life her friends lead.

 

Try to come to terms with the male friend issue. That is probably the hardest part of what you are facing. Again, I know how it feels. If you try to prevent her or forbid her from talking to him it will cause more problems. She will feel you don't trust her and are trying to control who she can and can't talk to. It won't accomplish anything by trying to prevent it.

 

Finally, seriously consider a marriage counsellor. Go by yourself. It will help you to see how you are making the situation worse and give you guidance on how to resolve the problem. You need her to see you have changed your ways and a counsellor will be able to greatly assist you in making these changes. After awhile she might even decide to join you. But if you get your issues under control she will most likely meet you in the middle.

 

And if things still don't work out you can hold your head up high and say you did everything you could to try and save the marriage.

[Guest]

Thanks for your words Devildog. See, she has all the time she wants with her friends already. She often spends a few days with them, or on a Friday or Saturday night goes out with them (and more recently with this male friend -whom I have never met). Recently we have gone out at least once every weekend (just us), and everything was going fine (until Sunday).

 

I believe I give her all the space she needs, but recently she has really been harping on getting a car. Part of me feels she wants to do this, so she can leave whenever she wants, and does not have to worry about leaving me in a pickle (in terms of transport). She has not said she loves me for a couple of days now, and while everything looks OK on the surface (she rarely brings up what happened on Sunday), I know that underneath it is not.

 

She said she will see how it goes until after Xmas (because she does not want to ruin our son's xmas). But I fear, again it is because of other factors, and not us. She is thinking more about our son, rather than about us.

[Devildog]

Then you have a month and a half to start getting some of the issues worked on. Go to counselling. Start working on the issues she has brought up and do some soul searching to see if there are other issues you need to work on. It gives you a leg up and might postpone or prevent the seperation. But even if that does happen keep going to counseling. you need to show her that you are serious about making things better. If you quit when things just start getting better it will destroy what progress you had made and your marrriage will probably be doomed.

[Guest]

So, do you think in the meantime, I should act like it never happened, and have some distance between us? Like start going out on my own, and spending more time away from her?

 

I do not have a problem going to conselling by myself, but she still refuses to go - and I certainly do not wish to force her. I told her last night, I am willing to try anything it takes for things to get better, and I love her very much. She replied to this by saying 'we will see how things go'. When I told her I loved her, she said 'i know you do' but did not say it in return. I was then foolish enough to say 'Do you love me to?' and she replied 'Yes' (very casually). I also asked if she was as committed to the marriage as what I am and she said 'At this exact point in time, yes'.

 

I know things are not good, and as hard as it is for me (I cant think of anything else), I know I have to try and give her even more space. I think the whole car issue, might eleviate some stress, but then I think if she really wants to go she would now have the perfect excuse.

 

Should I act more as friends towards her, or should I still say I love you etc?

[Ladyjane14]

Have you been to MarriageBuilders yet? I think that could really help you.

 

<URL removed>

[Devildog]

Should I act more as friends towards her, or should I still say I love you etc?

 

I think you should try to not say I love you quite as much. Either she will feel obligated to say it back or she won't say it back and it will hurt to have that happen. It is still okay to say it once in awhile though. Don't let her think you don't love her.

 

You can't force her to go to counseling. Sometimes if the other person sees that it has helped make a difference they will eventually open up to the idea of joining you.

[suzyq]

It's taken me a long time to truly realize and accept that I am powerless over what my husband says, does, or thinks. But I do have power over how I conduct myself, as hard as it is in the heat of a fight. I know when I try to behave maturely, that I am reconnecting with my own integrity (being true to myself). I personally am working on loving detachment; that is untangling myself emotionally from his moods, actions, etc. and trying to keep the focus on me. It's painfully hard because I've done everything I can to try and hold our marriage together. Now I realize that resistance is indeed futile and am trying to focus on getting myself together. Personal recovery, whether it be counselling, 12 stepping, group sessions, whatever - is there. There's no guarantee that we will be able to work things out, however when I focus on my own recovery, as selfish as it feels sometimes, I know that I'm being true to myself and taking care of my own feelings and needs in a healthy way. I told my husband that I think a trial separation with some guidelines might help us; he said he agreed and while I feel relieved, I also have feelings of rejection. I've spent so long jumping to 'fix' his emotional problems, that I've sacrificed my own happiness and mental wellbeing as a result. I'm scared, but I do believe that trial separations can work, if both are willing. On the other hand, I am aware that there are no guarantees. I'm just trying to let go and let God.