The *Sexless Marriage* Prelude to an Affair

[LilGirlandOW]

My MM claims to be in a sexless marriage, these are issues he was dealing with long before our A started. On the OW/OM board here, the idea of the WS being in a sexless marriage is often attacked, and laughed at. Hop over to the Marriage board and its a common theme/problem in those posters marriages.

 

My MM have a very truthful and open relationship and I've always told him I dont expect him to not have sex with her, other women yes, her, no. That my feelings for him wouldnt change, he swears they dont and said she (the BS) would say the same.

 

Mine and MM's relationship is not based around sex, although its great. He has always been the one to up the commitment and devotion in our A, I simply follow suit, as I try to not push things, I would rather nature take its course than me forcing an outcome.

 

My MM seems to more appreciate the open communication and cuddling over sex anyday/anytime. He loves that I know where to touch him and how to hold him, how to listen to him and he totals this up as "taking care of him", he appreciates that.

 

So anyways, I know the no-sex wasnt the main why regarding him deciding to have an A with me, but I also know he and BS dont have sex, and before us only did on his urging, as he never wanted to cheat, not big on masterbating so every few weeks, he'd take a crack at the pot. In his quest for total honesty I know the frequency, position, etc... I know maybe too much which has led to "visions" when I see her (which SUCK).

 

Why is it so hard to believe that a WS is not having sex with the BS?

 

I understand the stories on here show all sides of the coin, I also understand this thread is mostly a rant. I feel like the woman on the movie "Gaslight" how much I question MM and I reality, but he always comes through in the end, he's a very sure bet as far as a gentleman meeting my needs goes, and he seems to worship me in every way.

 

I see monogamous relationships all around me that make me wonder why he/she stays or puts up with XYZ. I'm in a plural realtionship and sometimes the space and lack of day-to-day duties is nice... sometimes the lonliness is hell. The only thing constant is how he makes me feel and treats me and loves me.

 

/rant

/poorly laid out thread, I apologize

[bentleychic]

I think many feel like MM/MW use it as a reason to reel someone in and that it might bring someone in that otherwise wouldn't have anything to do with them.

 

I know too many married people in sexless marriages to not believe that some people in A's are truly in sexless marriages. I myself would not stay in a sexless marriage, but I believe in ending a relationship before starting another and always have.

[Speakingofwhich]

Ya, used to date a psychologist who told me he learned from counselees (sp?) there are plenty of sexless marriages out there. So, when folks protest the OW/OM account of their MM's/MW's sexless marriage I don't get it.

[LilGirlandOW]

bentleychic,

 

Does your MM claim to be in a sexless M?

[sweet_pea]

Personally, I don't think people are saying that it isn't possible that a MM is in a sexless marriage. Well, duh, there are many marriages like that. I think the point is that many MM lie, and to take what he says about his marriage (frequency of sex, that BS does this and that, etc) with a grain of salt because unless you see it with your own eyes/hear it from the BS/have solid proof it could very well be made up.

[Goodbye]

Before my divorce, my exH and I went for a year at one point without sex. There were often months inbetween times. But...my marriage was crap and I filed for divorce. The men hanging out in "good" sexless marriages aren't all that common, in my opinion.

 

My exMM claims he last had sex with his W in Jan of 2012...I don't believe him at all. Who knows.

 

Sexless marriages exist and MM who lie also exist. Hard to tell.

[MissBee]

No sex or sex, it matters not to me.

 

I mean if it's sexless...it's not a compliment, the person is staying married and getting sex from you on the side. It's probably worse.

 

If it's not sexless...well it doesn't matter either.

 

If they are staying married, sex or no sex doesn't make much of a difference and it's also usually not verifiable anyway. So for me I don't see what difference it makes. If MM isn't sleeping with his wife and is still married and not going anywhere...what difference does it make?

[Goodbye]

No sex or sex, it matters not to me.

 

I mean if it's sexless...it's not a compliment, the person is staying married and getting sex from you on the side. It's probably worse.

 

If it's not sexless...well it doesn't matter either.

 

If they are staying married, sex or no sex doesn't make much of a difference and it's also usually not verifiable anyway. So for me I don't see what difference it makes. If MM isn't sleeping with his wife and is still married and not going anywhere...what difference does it make?

 

 

Good point.

[ladydesigner]

Yep my WH claimed our M was 'sexless' we were having sex 2-3x a week and I work full time, caring for two kids full-time, and caring for WH's stuff as well. We had an emotional disconnect at the time, but that is because my WH would work all day be home at midnight and expect me to do somersaults in bed. He of course would not do foreplay or make it romantic for me, just wanted to do the deed. Who would be into that? I felt like I was unappreciated. It turned out that I was.

[2sure]

Sex isn't usually the biggest part of a marriage or an affair. Certainly there are plenty of sexless marriages, certainly there are plenty of affairs that don't include sex.

[MissBee]

I also think it's up there at the height of disrespect (and tacky as hell) for the MM to be telling the OW all about his sex life in terms of frequency and positions....wtf...who does that?

 

I'm sorry, but a man telling you all about what positions he and his wife have sex in really is making it clear he doesn't respect you at all...it just seems juvenile, like when teenaged boys are having sex for the first time and think it cool to blab to their friends about it. Even with single boyfriends we do not discuss the positions and frequency of sex they had with their ex....I mean why would we? Random stuff may come up but it's never detailed and I can't imagine a man I'm dating feeling it's okay to be on and on in detail about it...muchless one currently married.

 

Turn off. The last I wanna hear, yes even in an A, is all about the sex the man I am having sex with is having with other people.

[C00kie]

My MM told me from the beginning that they had little to no sex in the last few years- and when they did, he had to start it. However, he hasn't told me much about this as it is a delicate thing for us to discuss. But he has said, here and there, that he doesn't have sex with her, or hardly any, without me asking.

 

He never said bad things about his wife, on the contrary, he said he does care about her, that she's a good woman but does not love her romantically (I know they all say that, but in his case I'm sure he doesn't love her that way). I must add they got married when he was 24 and she was 16 because she became pregnant and he felt it was the right thing to do. Needless to say, it obviously didn't start on solid ground and that lead him to where he is today.

 

I know he loves her the way people love family, care for her, for her well being, but I don't think he's in love with her and probably never has been. I honestly believe they have little to no sex.

 

(May I add a little note that has nothing to do with this, but intrigues me...last year he told me he thought he was sterile. I asked him how could that be if he had a son. He said - "I dunno...because we never used contraception and she never got pregnant again. She says it's my fault since there's nothing wrong with her, but I've been tested and everything's fine with me too". Well...is it just me - I know I may be jumping to conclusions - or does anyone else find it strange, to say the least, that a woman who got pregnant when she was 16 and had unprotected sex for 16 years after, on her fertile age, never got pregnant again?. She must be around 34 by now. My guess is she is the selfish type (I have reasons to believe she is - but I know I'm only seeing one side of things, for sure) and she's been taking precautions all along without him knowing, or even had surgery done to prevent it. Well, she got a man who supported her finantially and paid her college so that she could graduate after she became pregnant. Now she makes way more money than him and she's well in life. Oh well. I don't wish her any bad - I'm just sharing.)

[jlola]

My MM claims to be in a sexless marriage, these are issues he was dealing with long before our A started. On the OW/OM board here, the idea of the WS being in a sexless marriage is often attacked, and laughed at. Hop over to the Marriage board and its a common theme/problem in those posters marriages.

 

My MM have a very truthful and open relationship and I've always told him I dont expect him to not have sex with her, other women yes, her, no. That my feelings for him wouldnt change, he swears they dont and said she (the BS) would say the same.

 

Mine and MM's relationship is not based around sex, although its great. He has always been the one to up the commitment and devotion in our A, I simply follow suit, as I try to not push things, I would rather nature take its course than me forcing an outcome.

 

My MM seems to more appreciate the open communication and cuddling over sex anyday/anytime. He loves that I know where to touch him and how to hold him, how to listen to him and he totals this up as "taking care of him", he appreciates that.

 

So anyways, I know the no-sex wasnt the main why regarding him deciding to have an A with me, but I also know he and BS dont have sex, and before us only did on his urging, as he never wanted to cheat, not big on masterbating so every few weeks, he'd take a crack at the pot. In his quest for total honesty I know the frequency, position, etc... I know maybe too much which has led to "visions" when I see her (which SUCK).

 

Why is it so hard to believe that a WS is not having sex with the BS?

 

I understand the stories on here show all sides of the coin, I also understand this thread is mostly a rant. I feel like the woman on the movie "Gaslight" how much I question MM and I reality, but he always comes through in the end, he's a very sure bet as far as a gentleman meeting my needs goes, and he seems to worship me in every way.

 

I see monogamous relationships all around me that make me wonder why he/she stays or puts up with XYZ. I'm in a plural realtionship and sometimes the space and lack of day-to-day duties is nice... sometimes the lonliness is hell. The only thing constant is how he makes me feel and treats me and loves me.

 

/rant

/poorly laid out thread, I apologize

 

Lil,

 

For crying out loud, why is your MM still married if things are so horrible for him and he is so in love with you. This is absolutely ridiculous! Call the wife already and have it out with her. If hat he is saying is the truth, he should be happy it is finally in the open and he doesn't have to lie anymore. Whether or not he is having sex with her is NOT the issue as Miss Bee points out. The MARRIAGe is the issue.

 

Stop being the OW if you two are meant to be. TELL HER!!!!! Or are you afraid to make him angry? Why are so many brainwashed into silence?

[Owl]

My wife greatly exaggerated the 'problems' in our marriage...or 'problems with me' in her interactions with OM. I know it for a fact...I read the IM discussions.

 

To some degree, she did so in her own mind, unintentionally. She viewed them worse than they were, because of her own 'rationalization' to have an affair.

 

And to some degree, she did so intentionally, knowing that she'd look like a lesser person had she been honest with the OM and told him that our marriage wasn't that bad, we were just in a normal 'slump', and that most of that slump at the time was being caused by her own withdrawl from me.

 

In fact...her 'problems' had nothing to do with me, nor our marriage.

 

They were entirely internal to HER.

 

So...given my own experience...I find it difficult to believe every story I hear here on LS when an MM/MW claims some horrific situation in their marriage, and it somehow magically makes the affair "OK".

 

That includes all the claims of "sexless marriages". Sure, they happen. But we've seen enough threads over time here...by OW coming here making the same claim you are, in fact, LIL, who then return later letting us know that it had all been a lie.

 

Time, and time again.

 

THAT, m'lady, is why you get the responses here that you do on this subject.

[truthbetold]

Lil,

 

I think the other really huge thing that you're missing with the sexless marriages that are over one the marriage forum, is that the *majority* aren't and won't cheat, they are trying to figure out how to get their wife or husband into it again.

 

Nobody says they don't exist. But cheating is a character flaw. Honest, honorable men CHOOSE NOT to cheat, they step up and fix their problems or cut bait. They don't whine about how awful their home situation is and solve it by cheating, broken and disrespecting men do that.

 

Believe it or not, many people are not wired to cheat. Others don't like to think about that because it shows a weakness in choices so it's better for some to believe that "everyone" would cheat in the right circumstances, but nope some people have sexless marriages and choose to vent NOT cheat.

 

"MOST" MM choose to lie and deflect so as others said what difference does it make, it only makes your MM look that much worse that he's with such a broomstick hilda it's irrelevant whether he has sex or is lying. But you asserting that you KNOW they don't based on what he said is false, unless you install a cam 24/7 you can only "guess".

 

That's what doesn't make sense about an OW they claim they KNOW this or that would flip out if they knew he was getting in on with his wife, CHOOSE to turn a blind eye to the fact that unless you have surveillance 24/7 on them you have NO WAY OF TRULY KNOWING if it matters so much, why put yourself into that kind of relationship where it causes you angst? You're choosing that and it doesn't make sense.

 

I too wish you would fix what's broken in you that thinks a guy like that is worthy of anyone decent. He's seriously one of the more that I've read about. It's sad you choose this for yourself.

[Journee]

No sex or sex, it matters not to me.

 

I mean if it's sexless...it's not a compliment, the person is staying married and getting sex from you on the side. It's probably worse.

 

If it's not sexless...well it doesn't matter either.

 

If they are staying married, sex or no sex doesn't make much of a difference and it's also usually not verifiable anyway. So for me I don't see what difference it makes. If MM isn't sleeping with his wife and is still married and not going anywhere...what difference does it make?

 

 

 

I wonder about this also. Is it some sort of compliment? How would anyone know for certain that absolutely zero affection or sex takes place? The scary thing is that no one can be without a shadow of doubt certain about anyone. It's pretty obvious from life experience and reading here that people share sex organs and fluids unknowingly. It's disgusting. Not fair to those unaware whether it be BS or AP. In this case it isn't good to be the star in either role. You are putting your health and life in someone else's hands. Very scary.

[Speakingofwhich]

Personally, I don't think people are saying that it isn't possible that a MM is in a sexless marriage. Well, duh, there are many marriages like that. I think the point is that many MM lie, and to take what he says about his marriage (frequency of sex, that BS does this and that, etc) with a grain of salt because unless you see it with your own eyes/hear it from the BS/have solid proof it could very well be made up.

 

Good point, Sweet Pea! It seems to me there are some MM who would lie about that and some who would not. I wouldn't go so far as to believe all MM lie about that or that all don't lie about it.

[Speakingofwhich]

Yep my WH claimed our M was 'sexless' we were having sex 2-3x a week and I work full time, caring for two kids full-time, and caring for WH's stuff as well. We had an emotional disconnect at the time, but that is because my WH would work all day be home at midnight and expect me to do somersaults in bed. He of course would not do foreplay or make it romantic for me, just wanted to do the deed. Who would be into that? I felt like I was unappreciated. It turned out that I was.

 

Did you and WH R? If so, do you trust him to tell you the truth now? And, if so, what did it take for you to learn to trust him?

[zum1]

I was told the same!! Marriage is sexless, he was figuring out how to exit. Then a few weeks back he told me that BS is pregnant!! I made it very clear to him and also kept reminding him that if he is ever having sex with anyone else then he has to let me know and I will walk out, so he kept the pregnancy news under covers as much as he could (7 months)!

 

I learnt it hard way that ones a cheater always a cheater and also the fact that men have tendency to make love to anyone thinking about someone else and that for most A revives their sex life and take off some stress as long as OW is playing along . So they hide a lot of things!!

[Silly_Girl]

I also think it's up there at the height of disrespect (and tacky as hell) for the MM to be telling the OW all about his sex life in terms of frequency and positions....wtf...who does that?

 

I'm sorry, but a man telling you all about what positions he and his wife have sex in really is making it clear he doesn't respect you at all...it just seems juvenile, like when teenaged boys are having sex for the first time and think it cool to blab to their friends about it. Even with single boyfriends we do not discuss the positions and frequency of sex they had with their ex....I mean why would we? Random stuff may come up but it's never detailed and I can't imagine a man I'm dating feeling it's okay to be on and on in detail about it...muchless one currently married.

 

Turn off. The last I wanna hear, yes even in an A, is all about the sex the man I am having sex with is having with other people.

 

PLENTY of coupled-up people, whether they admit it or not, chat about their sex lives. To friends, siblings, parents or colleagues even. It surprises me, but it happens a lot.

[threelaurels]

PLENTY of coupled-up people, whether they admit it or not, chat about their sex lives. To friends, siblings, parents or colleagues even. It surprises me, but it happens a lot.

 

But it's one thing to tell friends about your sex life and another thing to describe your past and current sexual experiences with someone you are currently sleeping with. I wouldn't disclose to my boyfriend details about my past sexual encounters, but I wouldn't have a problem mentioning it to a friend if the topic came up.

[MissBee]

But it's one thing to tell friends about your sex life and another thing to describe your past and current sexual experiences with someone you are currently sleeping with. I wouldn't disclose to my boyfriend details about my past sexual encounters, but I wouldn't have a problem mentioning it to a friend if the topic came up.

 

Yea, I was about to say that!

 

@SG: it's one thing to talk about your sex life with friends, and even then, it depends on how you do it, but it's very different for your current partner to discuss the details of sex with their last partner OR their current partner in the case of an affair.

 

Hearing my friend talk about her sex life with her boyfriend isn't nearly as upsetting as my boyfriend telling me all about sex with his wife.... I wouldn't be with a man who had a wife or gf ever again, but even when I did there were things which made the situation less tolerable, and for me, hearing all about the sex with the other person you're sleeping with wouldn't be an aphrodisiac, as with a single guy, the LAST I wanna hear about is all the positions you and your ex liked/didn't like...smh.

 

I'm sure there are people in sexless marriages, particularly if one partner had been the victim of a serious injury.

However, I think anyone in an affair should, as their default setting, assume that the person they are sleeping with, are sleeping with at least one other person.

 

Ditto!

 

I say, if you're gonna be in an A, be smart about it and please have some reasonable suspicion. I find it highly bizarre when people get into affairs with these lovely romantic and highly improbably ideas in their minds which do not match reality. I would assume this person is having sex, since they are married, and even if they said they weren't, I would not have the sun and moon set around that. Let's face it: they are married and most times their spouse has no clue they are sleeping with someone else! Marriage is supposed to be the height of a committed relationship and most feel once married their spouse if off the market so let their guard down; yet, this board exists because there are married people secretly sleeping with and having relations with other people. So if that can happen after such a commitment, please don't make your default setting 'naive', where you swear up and down your MP isn't sleeping with their spouse, as if you know for certain, when most times you don't know for certain and all you have is their word...which given the context...may not be all that valuable. But as I originally said: at the end of the day what REAL difference does it make if they are staying put? Sex or no sex, which is usually unverifiable, doesn't seem to make any difference.

Edited August 31, 2013 by MissBee

[SoleMate]

We have had ample first hand testimony on Loveshack, attesting to the existence in significant numbers, of ALL of the following situations:

 

1) Truly sexless marriages where neither partner cheats

 

2) Truly sexless marriages where at least one partner cheats

 

3) Marriages with adequate, good, or great sex lives where one person cheats....but doesn't claim sexlessness in discussions with the AP

 

4) Marriages with adequate, good, or great sex lives where one person cheats and falsely claims sexlessness in discussions with the AP

 

5) Marriages with sex, which is disappointing to at least one person at some level ("too vanilla", "only twice a week" etc.) AND where one person cheats and falsely claims sexlessness in discussions with the AP

 

I've frankly never seen anyone claim that none of these situations exist. They ALL exist. It's just that a lot of OW claim that they know with certainty their A is in situation #2 above, and others responding feel it is more likely to be a #4 or #5 and that #2 should never be believed on a MM's word alone, as they have overwhelmingly strong incentives to lie.

 

As a pattern, OW defend MM beyond all reason and against the evidence. I've seen numerous OW even attempt to argue that their cheating, lying MM is "not the cheating type", "not a cheater", and "very honest". If an OW can believe that against the clear evidence, then I guess believing in the certainty of sexlessness in the marriage is even easier.

[jlola]

We have had ample first hand testimony on Loveshack, attesting to the existence in significant numbers, of ALL of the following situations:

 

1) Truly sexless marriages where neither partner cheats

 

2) Truly sexless marriages where at least one partner cheats

 

3) Marriages with adequate, good, or great sex lives where one person cheats....but doesn't claim sexlessness in discussions with the AP

 

4) Marriages with adequate, good, or great sex lives where one person cheats and falsely claims sexlessness in discussions with the AP

 

5) Marriages with sex, which is disappointing to at least one person at some level ("too vanilla", "only twice a week" etc.) AND where one person cheats and falsely claims sexlessness in discussions with the AP

 

I've frankly never seen anyone claim that none of these situations exist. They ALL exist. It's just that a lot of OW claim that they know with certainty their A is in situation #2 above, and others responding feel it is more likely to be a #4 or #5 and that #2 should never be believed on a MM's word alone, as they have overwhelmingly strong incentives to lie.

 

As a pattern, OW defend MM beyond all reason and against the evidence. I've seen numerous OW even attempt to argue that their cheating, lying MM is "not the cheating type", "not a cheater", and "very honest". If an OW can believe that against the clear evidence, then I guess believing in the certainty of sexlessness in the marriage is even easier.

 

I do understand, but would not excuse a 1 time and never again one night stand or a very short affair which was then confessed to. I think those people may have integrity and cannot keep a lie going for long.

 

But someone who lies to a partner day in and day out for years is a different animal. How you can look in the eye of the person you are deceiving and be ok with it is what gets me.

 

There is also a silent threat to AP not to tell the spouse. No matter how much OW/OM think WS is the best, they know deep down they cannot rock the boat because WS is in charge of this relationship.

 

He is a coward and will use every excuse in the book NOT to confront the marital issues.

 

I would make a lousy OW. I would never be able to stay a secret year after year. While some WS lives his life with BS and kids. Making promises, throwing crumbs and flattery my way while he sees me pain. My pain should be important thing to him. His children will always be his children. And unless he is a horrible parent, no court will take away his custody.

 

If someone claimed to love me, but kept making excuses why he cannot be with me, no amount of flattery,gifts,crumbs would make up for the reality he is unwilling to give up status quo to have an open relationship with me.

[Calcmag]

I refer to my marriage as 'sexless', where in reality it was infrequent sex. The last 5 years before we divorced we had sex probably 2/3 times a year. MOM knew the truth about the situation.

 

He never told me his was sexless, or that it was even infrequent. His main gripe was that BW made him 'feel unloved', wasn't affectionate at all outside the bedroom and was rather vanilla (by his standards) inside it.

 

Whatever the truth about his deal, it didn't really matter to me, it made no difference to our A.