The *Sexless Marriage* Prelude to an Affair

[solostand]

I never thought my MM was not still having sex with his wife. I didn't really care.

 

I myself have been married and I know how routine and boring marital sex can become. I went three years without sex in that marriage - and it wasn't because of me.

 

Anyway, sometimes I'll ask just out of curiosity when was the last time he had sex with his wife. I actually asked him last week - he said some time in May, he thought.

 

He said she recently asked him why he didn't try to have sex with her this summer - she assumed it was because he has a bad shoulder and was in pain.

 

I couldn't care less if he is having sex with her. But, in typical ridiculous OW fashion, I would be FURIOUS if I found out he was having sex with someone else. I know he's not because where would he find the time? He's either with me, on the phone with me, or home on the couch, or possibly upstairs screwing his wife.

 

As for myself, I actually told him I date because I am SINGLE. He doesn't like it, however, he accepts it. He does say that if I have sex with someone else he wants me to keep it my secret because he doesn't want to know about it.

[bentleychic]

As I've posted before, I have a few close friends in sexless marriages. They range from just no interest/connection any more to medical reasons (thyroid issues causing man low sex drive, endometriosis causing incredibly painful/difficult/impossible sex, etc.). It does happen and not always just b/c someone isn't "doing enough" to turn on their partner.

[bentleychic]

Life is too short to live it unhappy and miserable. It took me 16 years of an unhappy marriage to realize that, but then a friend passed away. This friend lived life to the absolute fullest. I'm sure he had some regrets, but I guarantee he did more in his 70+ years of life than many people ever dream of doing. The day he passed away, I realized that I was not living my life to the fullest and I was NOT happy. This was my one life and I was wasting it being miserable,

 

And I walked. If you get to that point, you "get it", but until then, it's impossible to explain so anyone gets it fully. I've tried, but you have to live it to get it. I refuse to waste my life with someone that makes me miserable. I'd rather be alone.

[William]

Did some cleanup, infracted and banned a few members. I'd advise folks to stay on topic and keep it civil. The topic is sexless marriages as a prelude to an affair. Thanks.

[HonestNeurotic]

Sexless marriages do exist. I have one, hence my affair. But a marriage is so much more than sex. I'm also in an open marriage now, though my MM is NOT.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with having an affair, or sex outside of marriage. I do feel bad for those who think that their MM/MW are the "love of their life" and they are looking to have a future with that person. i.e., waiting for the other to leave their current spouse and ride off into the sunset. This does not work out the majority of the time. And what happens when for whatever reason, YOU cannot provide the sex that the other person wants/needs? They will leave you for another just as surely as they left their current spouse, right?

 

The strangest thing - since I've been in this affair, well, recently my husband has been much more affectionate.......

 

All that being said, Lilgirl, I don't think this guy is good for you. A distraction perhaps, but not a man worthy of your "forever". Because if there is ever a time when you cannot have sex due to a physical reason, you already know, he'll find someone else.

[HopingAgain]

That must have been horrible for you' date=' how awful. I am sorry that happened to you. It is possible that an affair can revive a marriage but it usually doesn't last. It is called hysterical bonding. I did it with my ex. Now I know what it was. I mean it is unlikely that when he had sex with you he was thinking of his BS, whereas the other way around is possible. It is a shame that a child had to be born under those circumstances.[/quote']

 

That is so ridiculous. It stands to reason that if he was fantasizing about OW when sexing BS then he was also fantasizing about BS when sexing OW. Cakeeaters tend to want to keep both women and they're greedy.

[SoleMate]

Why is it so hard to believe that a WS is not having sex with the BS?

Because the only evidence is secondhand hearsay, relayed by a very interested person (OW), after being offered by a party (MM) with strong motive to give false evidence, and it's just implausible that sexlessness can be known with certainty.

 

If someone with firsthand knowledge (which can only be the BS or the WS) makes the sexlessness claim in a situation where he/she has no motive for lying, then it would be a much more believable claim.

 

And I believe I have been perfectly on topic and have answered the question exactly as posed!

[rumbleseat]

This is one of those situations where no OW, no matter how much she may think she knows what si going on, knows nothing.

 

In essence, asking OW their opinion of whether or not their MM marriage is sexless will yield no useful information. One may as well ask a used car salesman if the car runs well. What do you think he's gong to say? Will he tell the truth or will he put a spin on his answer to get what he wants?