2013RCKB Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Help me out here folks. My MM is my neighbor. We've known each other for 10 years. This spring it became sexual. His marriage is okay, they've been having issues. He loves her but the sex is awful. My marriage was fine, it was me that wasn't. I was sexually bored, plus I have boundary issues. So the opportunity presented itself and we started having sex. Awesome sex. And that was all it was - just sex and really close friendship. Neither of us wanted to leave our others. (If I'm honest, I have to admit that I fell for him and became pretty enamored... but I still honestly just thought of this as sex, and knew it could never be anything else.) Now he says he wants to end it because he can't take the guilt. But just the sex. He desperately wants to keep the friendship, the emotional connection because "it's wonderful and he doesn't have it in his life." I refuse. I don't know how to have the friendship now without the sex. I don't know how to backup. I will ALWAYS want the sex, and it will get in the way of the friendship. It would never work. What guy does that? Is that for real, to take the sex away because of your guilty conscience, but want to keep the rest of the relationship exactly the same? Is he really that principled? Or did he just get scared? And am I petty for saying, "No, we have to have sex or else we're through?" Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 (edited) What guy does that? One who has a conscience and wants to keep things as simple and clean as possible. I'm not saying he's exactly a saint, he wants the emotional support without the guilt, but he obviously is not ok with the cheating anymore. I'm not sure you OR him would resist going further in case you remained friends. But you're obviously only interested in sex, or mainly interested in sex. If he had told you "no friendship, just the sex", would have been fine with you, right? Sorry if I misunderstood... What you're doing is not ok. Not to him, not to your husband, and not to yourself. I'm sure there is another way out, even if it's not the easy one. I think you should just try to figure out what is it that motivates you to simply dismiss any morals you may have - you're not showing regret or hesitation at all, and that kind of leaves me feeling little to no compassion towards your situation...at all. Edited August 30, 2013 by C00kie 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2013RCKB Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 If he had told you "no friendship, just the sex", would have been fine with you, right? Sorry if I misunderstood... You're right, I obviously didn't make myself clear. Of course I want to continue the friendship. I want to continue the entire relationship. Like I said, I fell for him. I just don't think I can do it without having the intimacy as well. I don't know how it's possible to back up at this point, and I don't understand him for thinking it's possible. I don't know how you can suddenly have a conscience about the sex, but not the rest of it. Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 You're right, I obviously didn't make myself clear. Of course I want to continue the friendship. I want to continue the entire relationship. Like I said, I fell for him. I just don't think I can do it without having the intimacy as well. I don't know how it's possible to back up at this point, and I don't understand him for thinking it's possible. I don't know how you can suddenly have a conscience about the sex, but not the rest of it. You can't. It's still an affair. I'm pretty sure his wife wouldn't agree with the close emotional bond between the two of you. But, it works for him because he gets to keep the close friendship and have you to support him and make his life better, but he doesn't have to feel guilty. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AWilson Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 After my MW and I had sex for the first time (it was at least 3rd base every other time), is when her guilt crept in. We went from being madly in love (well, I was at least), to her saying "I just want my best friend back". And I reiterated to her that "Your husband should be your best friend, not me". She explained that she didn't want to be the cheater anymore, but wanted our friendship to return to pre-physical? WTF? This isn't what I want, I know it isn't what she wants. She told me the other day "If I wasn't married, it would be on like donkey kong". I'm finding it difficult to accept it as it is. But NC is extremely difficult because we have to work closely (I'm a buyer, she's the company accountant). I know she wants to try in her marriage. After DDay, her husband changed for the better. But people don't change, and 6 weeks later, he is almost back to the man he was which led to the affair to begin with. I still love her, she still misses me (her words), and she still wants to have lunches together a few times a week (coworkers). We still talk as much as possible over email at work, text in the evening and phone calls when her husband isn't around. We have decided on the boundaries as hugging only, but I feel this is dangerous and just will lead to other things later on, then it is the same roller coaster with her as it was before. I guess the only thing I can do, is put up with being her "Best friend", and be there for her when crap hits the fan and I'll pick up the pieces... Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2013RCKB Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 AWilson you hit the nail on the head. This weekend he tells me he changed his mind and he needs me so bad, physically and emotionally, and he wants all of it. I think it's because he had a bad week with his wife. Funny that his conscience changes based on the situation, eh? What a roller coaster. I guess this is just how it's going to be now. If my heart wasn't so irretrievably deep in it, I'd walk away, but I can't. Link to post Share on other sites
73Fras Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 AWilson you hit the nail on the head. This weekend he tells me he changed his mind and he needs me so bad, physically and emotionally, and he wants all of it. I think it's because he had a bad week with his wife. Funny that his conscience changes based on the situation, eh? What a roller coaster. I guess this is just how it's going to be now. If my heart wasn't so irretrievably deep in it, I'd walk away, but I can't. BBM - lets just be clear, you can but choose not to..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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