How To Be Attractive To My Husband

[Ariany]

Hello, I'm new here. I was browsing some threads on these forums and got pleasantly surprised by the amount of helpful insights.

 

As the title suggests, I'd love to hear all of your suggestions on how I could possibly be more attractive to my husband. He has come right out with it and stated simply "I am not very sexually attracted to you." Yes it hurts very much but I do appreciate the honesty, brutal as it may be. I'd like to try and fix it instead of dwell too much on it. Male perspective would be especially useful - as frankly I don't really understand you creatures very well! Lol!

 

First, I'd like to specify that what I need are thoughts and suggestions on how to improve this aspect of my marriage. Divorce is out of the question, I love my husband and wish to make our relationship better. I suppose I should provide some details - I will try to keep it brief so I don't completely bore the living daylights out of you all. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We are 29 (him) and 24 (me) this year. He is athletic and slim while I am overweight (5'2 - 132 lbs).

 

The most obvious and simple answer is likely "Go lose the weight!" - I accept this. I am working on it by exercising, though I am getting quite frustrated and discouraged at the lack of results. I admittedly have never been a particularly tenacious person. I have tried to get some support from my husband but I feel as though he's given up on me. I have expressed my need for encouragement to succeed - but he has brushed me off and told me it's not in his nature to coddle. I understand that and try to motivate myself more, but it seems I'm pretty bad at that too. I also find it hard to wrap my brain around the idea that getting skinny is the solution to all my problems. Somehow it feels shallow, though I know this is no excuse to stop trying.

 

As you may have gathered by now, I suffer from low self-esteem. I know I'm not ugly - I do still get those glances and compliments from other men but sadly not from the only one who matters. I have not felt beautiful or sexy in what feels like such a long time. My husband says that my insecurity is the ugliest thing - but somehow even that very statement has worsened it. He also rejects me most of the time when I try to initiate sex - he even told me to stop doing that as it feels desperate and therefore unattractive. It has come to the point where I restrain myself from trying to start anything to avoid getting my feelings hurt. No he is not having an affair, he instead turns to porn. He masturbates to it every morning in the bathroom (he knows I know), on rare occasions at night and every single time I go out for a jog. We haven't had "regular" sex in quite some time. Our "sex life" comprises of either me giving him a blowjob while he watches porn, or him "having sex with me" while watching porn (for example, taking me from behind while he watches it on a tablet). Gosh, it sure sounds silly when I type it! I feel like this is in part my fault, since back when we were dating I informed him that I didn't have a problem with porn. I wasn't lying, it's just that I didn't realize just how harmful it could be. I thought porn just meant viewing it when I wasn't available or viewing it together for fun - not being completely shunned for it. I didn't think I needed to specify. Naive, I know.

 

I really do hate to present my husband in what seems like such a negative light. He has many amazing qualities. We both have our flaws and things we need to work on. He is a brilliant, hardworking and humorous man. I know he loves me in his own way. I just want that feeling of intimacy and passion, and I fear that my insecurities and growing depression will eat away at me and my marriage. I have tried to sit him down and have a serious talk with him before, but he just snaps at me and goes on the offensive. He says that talks like that only aggravate him, nothing else. Perhaps I am going about it wrong?

 

Whoops, looks like I have failed mightily at that "keeping it brief" thing I spoke of. Lol! I have many other unorganized thoughts swirling around my busy mind but I'll wrap it up here for now. So I guess the question is, "what in the world should I do to try improve my marriage?"

 

Any thoughts and or suggestions are going to be much, much appreciated! Thank you for reading my sad little rant.

[GorillaTheater]

Our "sex life" comprises of either me giving him a blowjob while he watches porn, or him "having sex with me" while watching porn (for example, taking me from behind while he watches it on a tablet). Gosh, it sure sounds silly when I type it!

 

It sounds sad as hell to me.

 

I don't know that I have much advice to offer but this: never do this again. It's demeaning and disrespectful as hell. Occasionally? Maybe to spice things up? I could see that I guess. But what you describe is freakin' awful, and I'm sorry that this is the way things are for you. You deserve better.

[aussietigerwolf]

the whole lot sounds very sad... I wouldn't even feel liked, let alone loved.

[DustinTheWind85]

He has a porn addiction and needs help. I'm serious. If someone watches a lot of porn and masturbates a lot, they get sensitized to it and start to need it to "get off" or sometimes to even be aroused. Unless he is a 20 year old with hormones raging through him, porn should just be an occasional thing.

 

Porn causes a toooon of problems, and I noticed them all starting to affect me when I was a teen, so I quit looking at porn other than the occasional curiosity.

 

For one, he has a lack of respect for you right now it seems. The way he told you that was not very nice and lays the blame all at your feet.

 

5'2" and about 130lbs? Overweight my ass. My fiance is about the same height and a little heavier, and I still think she is sexy as hell. She doesn't have flat supermodel abs, but I don't either, and she has much more to offer. Furthermore, when you love someone you tend to see their positive aspects and not their negative ones.

 

You've admitted to a self-esteem issue, which will never be helped by him watching porn. You are not his sex slave, there to be giving him BJ's while he watches his fantasy crap. If he wants sex with his wife, he needs to be an active, loving participant.

 

When you start hitting 160-170 is when the weight starts to really affect your appearance more. Even then, he should be able to appreciate and enjoy your positive physical qualities, the love he shares with you, and help you get the body you want and he desires while boosting your confidence.

 

Edit: I would also like to reaffirm that you are NOT the cause of this. Even if he was married to a hollywood actress, if he is constantly masturbating to porn he would no longer be attracted to her either. Porn has so much stimulus for a man, and the way women look and the things they do are COMPLETELY unrealistic and just a figment of male fantasy that should really be left in the brain.

Edited August 30, 2013 by DustinTheWind85

[darkmoon]

lose weight eat fruit and veg only, plain, no sauce or butter

 

I lost 30lbs in 6 weeks

 

gym only works if you like it and go lots

 

ps, your husband is not your life coach (a draggy job) just diet because you want to

[ChooseTruth]

Your weight is normal:

Body Mass Index calculator you'll like

 

Your BMI = 24.1.

25 is considered overweight.

For your age, you are doing slightly better than average.

 

My BMI is 24.4, and just last night a younger woman stopped to talk to me in the parking garage and told me how good I was looking lately as we parted (and not for the first time either). Damn that was a nice ego lift

 

I agree the porn could be a big problem because he's getting unrealistic expectations. He should appreciate someone real.

 

But that being said, I am working my ass off (literally) haha and I'm not satisfied with where I am. I'm trying to limit my portions, eat less grains, fatty meats, exercise a bunch of times a week. Find stuff you like. I've been trying these nut/dark chocolate bars (Kind Plus) to replace my cookies. Eggs to replace grains in the morning. Erm, eating a lot of salmon, veggies that I like, etc. I've been running, climbing,a doing a little weight lifting. Some ideas anyway. It does take a lot of time. I think you need both exercise and diet for it to work. It can be pretty frustrating.

 

Does he work out? What does he eat? One problem with my ex is she ate a lot of stuff that didn't work for me so well...and I had to stay home with my daughter when she went out to train at her dojo. Her BMI was about 20....which way skinny for her age....she cheated, we split. That's not very encouraging lol.... I guess the point is, work it out with him. Hopefully you can do this together because it's hard to go it alone especially when you are in a relationship.

[todreaminblue]

quite cruel..........I wouldn't want to be attractive for a husband who treated me that way...in fact i would be the opposite and this would happen on a sub conscious level for me......i would rebel....big time......as far as porn goes....i used to have a partner who watched porn........he never watched it for long...i made it impossible for him to watch and watch me instead i did this in the nicest possibel way....a tv screen cant do what i do.....and thats something you could do i guess... show him one night how much better you at making him feel good rather than porn....porn doesnt give full body massages, or tickle places with hair softly dragged across bare skin and body parts......porn doesnt have an active and flexible tongue either...or warm breath.......or kiss them silly ...porn is empty....so fill him up with all the good stuff you know how to please him he is your husband.....so make it pleasure central one night....let him see what he has missed....over the years with my ex he never lost sexual attraction towards me....my weight would fluctuate...good sex often more than three times a week, kept me fit and flexible....tell your husband that..............;0)...more sex equals weight loss and flexibility so tell him step up big boy and make it good......

 

 

........jump on him...smilin..actually no...i think you should hit him over the head with the remote or even the tablet......sigh...ok kidding...stuffed animal over the head now...!!!!!!!!

 

 

when a husband or boyfriend mentions your weight...if it is done from a place of love ...such as health and mood lift for you.....then its different......honesty is great not when you specifically know you are really going to hurt someone

 

 

you be compassioante and put it a different way ...doesnt mean its not honest......how about he get off his butt and go for a walk with you instead of watching porn......a lot healthier for him......when you looked at him when he said that to you...did you feel your attraction slip a little...did you feel loved wanted needed special....if he made you feel less than that....he needs to work on husbanding skills

 

my mum always told me to keep a guy you have to watch what you look like.........i have a variation goes like this

 

 

a husband needs to be as loving and supportive as you are....if you have health issues such as weight he should be concerned but he should want to help...or be part of it.......for to keep a wife feeling loved and respected is part of what he took on what he married you...its not all you you know...never works when it is one sided....he has to put some effort in ...and i dont mean by watching porn and taking you from behind for 2 and half minutes and its over......yes be a supportive wife who wants to make he r husband happy and content........but.......eh needs to step ....i really think eh was quite cruel to you...i loathe cruelty in any way shape or form hate reading it...please dont let him be cold to you.......lose weight for you so you feel better, more confident healthier active and satisfied......and if he doesnt change his ways...maybe you could let him know that he should....he might have been honest with you.......i wouldnt respect that type of honesty neither should you........because he is actually at the moment not treating you in a way to warrant respect given to him from you...ack..loathe coldness

 

 

 

i wish you love and appreciation in your future...hugs...deb

Edited August 30, 2013 by todreaminblue

[DustinTheWind85]

The gym is great and all, but her physical fitness really isn't the issue here unless he is some immaculate, athletic, tan stud that gets all the ladies just by breathing.

 

Think about what your expectations are when it comes to your husband or the opposite sex in general. Do they have to have a perfect body for you to be physically attracted to them? I highly, highly doubt your answer is yes based on what you have written. Sure, anyone has the potential to improve on themselves at the gym, but the whole perfect body idea is ridiculous unless he has the same expectations of himself.

 

So, if you don't require that your man looks like a Hollywood actor, why would you think that most men have higher standards? Women come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, colors, and attitudes. Unless you really let go and start looking like a homeless person that weighs 250 lbs, you will always have attractive qualities simply because you are a woman. He married you, so you should have qualities that fit his particular tastes too. The gym will improve on your sex appeal, but not quite as much as you think based on the height/weight ratio you provided.

 

All of this is still really pointing to the porn, the more I dissect it.

 

And the idea of me forcing my Fiance to give me head while I watch porn and imagine other women is disgusting. It's demeaning, and most porn is all about demeaning the woman.

[Ariany]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond! I will now reply to you all one by one! Ehem!

 

@GorillaTheater - I have always been open to all sorts of kinky things. I love sex. It's not that it doesn't feel good physically - it's just so impersonal and insulting. You're right, from time to time maybe - but all the time it's just sad. I guess I'm just grasping at straws, trying to get what sexual contact I can from him. Pathetic-little-girl style coping, I guess. Sigh.

 

@aussietigerwolf - I'm trying to see positive things. I did marry the man, after all. "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want doesn't mean they don't love you with all they've got." - or something like that is how that one quote goes. Lol! He's had quite a terrible experience with love in his past, I figure that might be why he's not so great at the whole intimacy deal. Sometimes when I'm half-asleep in the morning I feel him kiss me on my forehead before he gets up. It's sweet little gestures like that that show me he does love me.

 

@DustinTheWind85 - (to your first post): I guess I just never really knew how to distinguish between a "porn addiction" and just a regular male habit. I mean, "addiction" sounds rather intense to me. How does a wife help a husband with that? I would absolutely love it if he just preferred real sex with me, but I don't know how to go about it when he's openly stated that he's not attracted to me.

 

(to your second post): No he isn't some perfect Greek god, but he does get plenty of attention from the ladies from being tan, smart and handsome. Haha! He does have rather high expectations of himself. A bit of a perfectionist, I suppose. You are correct, I do not place so much value at all in the "perfect body" when it comes to the opposite sex. Sure, it's nice but it isn't important. I love him for his mind and his soul, the looks are a bonus. A great bonus though, yes. Well, I just want to clarify that he does not force me. I'm glad to give him head, he's my husband. It's the fact that he needs to be looking at something other than me that bothers me greatly. :/

 

@darkmoon - I know he is not my life coach. I am doing it for myself, I want to be healthier and like what I see in the mirror. However, I would be lying if I said I'm not doing it for him too. I mean, of course I want my husband to be attracted to me. Haha!

 

@ChooseTruth - Thank you for the tips and encouragement! I really should eat healthier also. I was a cheerleader in high school and I didn't have to watch anything at all. I was, what? 93 lbs? Lol! Then of course like most other humans, no rigorous everyday training + still eating the same = Pillsbury Dough Girl. Ha! He's always been very athletic with a crazy metabolism. He doesn't diet but remains in shape. He hasn't really been actively working out lately, but all that does to him is make him lose a bit of definition. Lucky bastard! Lol!

 

@contrefaire - I'm thinking my husband feels that way because he has never had a problem with weight. I myself feel that way because I used to be very slim. I know, "desperate" was indeed harsh and it really stung. :/ Thank you for these tips and kind words! I'll certainly try it. Honestly, I hope it doesn't come off as conceited but I do get quite a bit of attention from other men. I would never have an affair because I love my husband and I'd hate to hurt him and hate myself forever just to seek some validation. Admittedly, validation would be nice. He does have many great qualities, it's just that I wanted to post my problematic experiences to get some much-needed advice. If I wrote all the things I love about him minus the negative parts it'll just be a very long, very sappy snooze-fest for you all. Haha!

 

@todreaminblue - Thank you Deb, you sound like a sweet and lovely lady. I do try and let him know how I feel, I think being honest to him is very important. However, our talks usually end up with him in angry silence and me in tears. I started to feel like maybe trying to talk wasn't worth the pain. I understand that it's a big problem, I wanted to know of ways that I can approach him without igniting a big fight between us. :/

Edited August 31, 2013 by Ariany

[Eivuwan]

It saddens me that you think being spoken to and treated in this way is acceptable in a marriage. If he really cared about you, you guys would work on this together. Perhaps I'm projecting a bit, but this sounds like the relationship I had with my ex except worse. He was also picking on my looks and saying he wasn't attracted to me. Now I have found someone who likes me for the way I am and it's amazing. Perhaps you can expect more out of a relationship than this.

[dichotomy]

If and when did his sexual interest in you change and why?

 

 

 

also just a thought - if your husband is some alpha male - tall and athletic, hung like a horse.... with you at 5'2 and 132 he should be able to pick you up like a doll with one arm. Not sure how any real man considers you big or overweight.

Edited August 31, 2013 by dichotomy

[dichotomy]

Some more thoughts

 

Regardless of what you do in this marriage or with this "man" - you do need to improve your self esteem. The way to do this properly is to forget your husband or any male or female and focus on your own internal views. Many books out there on this - and you can get therapy for it as well.

 

I don't wish to say this for the sake of making you attractive to your husband - nor do I think you are overweight - but some tips on being healthier. Weight lifting surprisingly has been shown to be better than jogging for weight loss. Most women think it will bulk them up but it does not. Also as far as aerobics HIIT is viewed better than steady state. Example rather than jog - sprint for 1 min, light walk/jog for 2, sprint for 1, etc. As for food it is the simple - reduce sugars (no soda), bad carbs (most breads, chips, alcohol, fries) and focus on protein, veggies, and fruit. Health protein snacks through the day - almonds, Greek yogurts(plain).

 

About being attractive - you do need to understand you ARE sexually attractive. Your not fat, nor large. You are sexually charged - energetic - you like to watch porn with your man occasionally, like to give BJ's, you want to please your man,...etc..... You need to understand how many men, how many MARRIED MEN would love to have a wife like you! I can't imagine your husband talking to his married mates at the gym and saying - "ya she wants to have sex all the time, give me BJ's while I watch porn, but I just keep having to push her away it so unattractive to have her chasing me for sex all the time!"...... in my social circle - my married male friends would beat the **** out of me for saying something like this!!! or asking if they could stop by and see her...:Dor seriously start asking if I was gay.

[Realist3]

Only been married a year? I'd get out while the gettin' is good. In five years you be wondering why you wasted the last five years of your life.

[junkelope]

This is a slippery slope you're going down my friend. I've been with a man before who refused sex, and I can tell you it often has little to do with physical appearance. There is some sort of serious underlying problem here, and if you want to make your relationship work, it needs to be addressed. The only problem is that it must be addressed as a team, and your husband does not sound game for this from your description. Please do not be down on yourself. You are good enough. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. The only person you have to be good enough for is yourself. Maintain your self of self-respect, and hopefully he will respect you more. Please also consider leaving. This is a horrible situation to be caught it, and leaving was the only thing that helped me.

[oldshirt]

your self-esteem issues and insecurities are clouding your sense of reality.

 

You will become more attractive to your husband when he breaks his porn addiction.

 

 

In other words HE is the one that is defective and broken. HE is the one that is not acting and responding like a normal, healthy adult male.

 

HE is the one with the problem.

 

His porn use is the big elephant that is sitting in the room that neither one of you is seeing or talking about.

 

It's just a matter of time before you will get fed up with him and his lack of appreciation for you and you will lose your desire for him. You are probably already pretty close to that now.

 

When that happens this whole house of cards is going to crumble.

[theonlyjuan]

Really? Porn is so ****e, he has problems if he'd rather look at that than enjoy his own wife.

 

If he's going to watch that then don't give him anything! He is disrespecting you. Watching it in private is fine but that's just taking the piss!

[oldshirt]

Her question is what she can do to make herself more attractive to him, not that his porn use is the real problem. That's just an artifact of some of the answers she's gotten.

 

She feels unattractive because she is unattractive, which is why he's using the porn during sex. It's probably not even her obesity since 10 or 20 pounds overweight is not so bad (although she probably has a small frame). Oh by the way a BMI of 24 is pretty fat unless you're muscular. Just because it's not as high as 25 doesn't mean she doesn't appear fat.

 

So what can she do to make herself more attractive? Lose weight obviously but there are other things like getting made up, dressing up for sex, acting more slutty, doing what turns him on based on the porn he's watching.

 

 

This is like telling the wife of an alcoholic that her husband would treat her better and be more involved with her if she started going out hitting the bars with him and getting drunk with him more often.

 

He is spanking to porn every day and only having sex with her while he's watching porn.

 

HE and his involvement with porn is the problem. Not her weight or how she dressed.