Spin off on the "I used to be..." thread...

[bentleychic]

for those still in an A or those that remember when they were, do you feel like you gave up things about yourself (good things) that you were before the A?

 

I honestly had to think hard. Morals and ethics are the only things (not minimizing, they are big things) that I can think that it has negatively effected (affected? I always confuse these and I hate it! LOL) in me. I still have them and good ones, just not in regards to the A/MM.

 

I don't blame him for it, I made the choice fully informed. I haven't really given up anything that I can think of due to him and having him in my life hasn't taken anything away from it. I'll keep thinking, though. I might be able to come up with something!

[Crazy_Love]

I gave up my morals and my dignity

 

I became obsessed over everything he said and did or didn't do. I've never done that with a man.

 

I've lied to my friends and family

 

I've broken engagements just to spend time together

 

I've held off scheduling things waiting for him to tell me when he's available

 

I've suppressed my needs and desires because I knew he'd want me to put his first

 

I've spent waaaaay too much money on him

 

I've become depressed and restless.

 

I hate who I am

[LimeBlue]

I gave up my relaxed, happy go lucky demeanour and became agitated. I very nearly gave up my entire life and all those who depended on me at the time. What a terrible mistake that would have been, all because I was being manipulated for his benefit.

 

Other than that I haven't given up anything. I'm too self aware thankfully.

[LilGirlandOW]

I gave up my job, which i liked but it was just another job, I have a career ahead of me now.

 

In our year together MM and I have both given alot, I'm happy with what I've gotten in return, and he seems likewise.

 

Yes I've also given up time/money/attention to others, but thats the dance of most relationships. We are so very happy right now I've never seen a man so speechless, jaw on the floor as my MM tonight when he picked me up for our date night.... it seems our moments make it worth it.

 

So, "I used to be...." in an unhappy M, I'm now in a very happy A, lol, go figure.

[MissBee]

I have said probably a million times that I am glad I got the A experience out of the way earlier in my life, as that was a benefit to me, in terms of not having to give up too much or have it really derail my life. On the other hand, a friend of mine, she's about 9 years older than me, and only ended her A this year, really gave up a lot for that situation, one of which is, having kids. She still has some time, but now I see her acting like a chicken with its head cut off because she feels she is running out of time. She seems to have way less standards and seems to want anyone to impregnate her and is convincing herself into marrying some guy she just met. I do think a large part is because she wasted 5 years with a MM, expecting he'd leave, she'd marry him, they'd have babies etc...and it didn't pan out so now she's trying to make up for lost time and she really feels like a fool for having waited so long.

 

 

For me, I didn't come out unscathed, but I am happy it wasn't as bad as it could have been in terms of tangible things in my life, because of the stage I was in (college). Even while with him, my stance was that I am not going to give you all the benefits of a full boyfriend unless you give me exclusivity, so I dated others. I also had no ideas about marriage, kids, etc. I wasn't thinking about that with him or anyone, besides it being a "someday I want this" thing. I was head over heels in love with him and I did want a "real" relationship with more possibilities than what was presented and compromising on that did make me feel less than. In that relationship I was very insecure, for good reason, and just paranoid and acted a lot crazier than I ever have in any other and I didn't like myself as that paranoid, mistress meltdown having chick smh. Now, at this stage in my life where I am more seriously building my career, the kind of life I want, surrounding myself with a team of people I respect, trust and love etc. I have ZERO time for an affair and it would be such a detriment to my life and success. I have way more to lose now by boarding that sinking ship.

Edited August 31, 2013 by MissBee

[Calcmag]

I have always thought that I gave up a lot of dignity, particularly at the beginning of the A.

When I finally went total NC with exOM I had to give up my job too as we worked together, and for me I couldn't cope with seeing him daily, I wasn't strong enough.

But more important is that my whole being seemed to change - I spent years being agitated, anxious, unhappy. My stress levels were through the roof for nearly a decade.

And I've never quite got myself back. The happy, vivacious woman I was 10 years ago seems to have gone forever - I hardly recognise myself nowadays.

[Speakingofwhich]

I gave up some of my morning devotionals. I found I wasn't as consistent with them as I had been. I gave up some of my personal transparency. I gave up my freedom to date others. Was glad to do this, though!

[cocorico]

I gave up a good job, a great lifestyle in a wonderful country and geographic proximity to many very dear friends to move across the world to be with him.

 

And I don't regret any of it.

[WakingUp]

I lost a lot of self respect and authenticity.

 

I have always prided myself on being real, and a lot of that went out the window.

 

However about two years into the affair I decided that I needed to put things in place and priority in my life so I could survive the inevitable train smash.

 

I resumed a sport I LOVE and made a new group of friends. I started putting more effort into just... doing things, I suppose. I started putting a REAL effort into my appearance, and attitude. The A made me wake up and get a REAL life instead of waiting to be saved, because, hey, its not going to happen. My REAL life is outside of the affair.

 

I now find myself with a much greater self knowledge than before. I have had to confront some pretty tricky issues within myself, and today I feel strong.

 

The main thing is... I know I can survive.

 

Its not the end of the world!

[fanine]

I lost a lot of self respect and authenticity.

 

I have always prided myself on being real, and a lot of that went out the window.

 

However about two years into the affair I decided that I needed to put things in place and priority in my life so I could survive the inevitable train smash.

 

I resumed a sport I LOVE and made a new group of friends. I started putting more effort into just... doing things, I suppose. I started putting a REAL effort into my appearance, and attitude. The A made me wake up and get a REAL life instead of waiting to be saved, because, hey, its not going to happen. My REAL life is outside of the affair.

 

I now find myself with a much greater self knowledge than before. I have had to confront some pretty tricky issues within myself, and today I feel strong.

 

The main thing is... I know I can survive.

 

Its not the end of the world!

 

Ditto for me too. I started all that while still with the MM. Made the the break so much easier.

[So happy together]

I will be giving up my home, moving across country, changing my kids schools, moving my business.

 

All completely worth it. I wouldn't change a thing.

[glowing]

I gave up my reputation, my good name, the majority of my friends. My business suffered and I lost clients because of the fallout.

 

I gained the love of my life, happiness and laughter, a man in my bed every morning and night who makes my life brighter and more fulfilling, truer friends, a stronger personality and strength of character that I never knew existed, confidence, peace, empathy. I no longer walk on eggshells.

 

My biggest fear was being found out and ostracized, and it happened. But you know what? I survived, and am better for it.

 

I know people still talk, but I am able to hold my head high and live my life. I am stronger and braver than I ever knew before all this happened.

 

And he, WE, are worth every bit of it.